Tag Archive | "google"

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Google Confirm “Yes, Our Robots Will Eventually Destroy Humanity”

SILICON VALLEY – After its purchase of a military grade robotics company, Google have confirmed that yes, they are trying to start a robot apocalypse that will kill us all.

The company first announced its intention in a year-end investor conference call.  CEO Larry Page reported increased third quarter profits before outlining Google’s plans to “kick off the downfall of humanity with these intimidating and formidable robots.”

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Republicans Unveil Google.com As Obamacare Alternative

WASHINGTON D.C. – Congressional House Republicans have unveiled their first genuine alternative to the Affordable Care Act: google.com.

Titled the “Just Google It” Healthcare Act, or “Googlecare”, the plan is set to put to rest ongoing criticism that the Republican party had up till now offered no practical alternative to the Affordable Healthcare Act.

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Apple Unveil New Ultra Thin iPad 2D

CUPERTINO – Apple have released a new model of the iPad tablet which they claim is so thin it only exists in two dimensions of space.

The newly named iPad 2D features a design reminiscent of a basic polygon shape and features a smaller bezel which shrinks the footprint of the tablet down to just the x and y axis.

“Meet the new iPad,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook before accidentally giving himself a paper cut as he grabbed the new iPad 2D.

‘Thinnest yet’

This is the thinnest revision of Apple’s market leading tablet and only fractionally thicker them the picture of the iPad on the packaging.

Speaking to a captivated audiences, Cook said the device was 1000% thinner and could not be seen when laid on a flat surface and would be available from just $499.

Tablet manufacturers have fought to compete with the computing giant but have again been left behind by Apple who have manage to completely remove the third dimension from their tablet.

Cook dismissed the growing threat from rivals, saying: “Everyone seems to making a tablet, but we believe they are unnecessarily using an extra dimension not required in today’s new world of post three-dimensional computing.”

Amazon and Google have already announced small tablets, but those will not be considered bulky and unwieldy.  Indeed, many current gen iPad owners now consider their 9mm thick device as “a little bit bulky”.

In response, Samsung are reportedly working on out doing Apple by releasing a device that only exists in one point in space.

Faster lighter thinner

Earlier his month analysts warned there was a risk Apple would be unable to deliver new devices in time for the holidays but Cook confirmed the lack of third dimension allowed production to be completed in record time.

“It was only a matter of time before Apple engineers figured out how to get all that tech into a virtually flat plane,” said tech analyst Stephen Smith.

“Every year the iPad gets thinner so it makes sense to do away with depth altogether.”

When asked if the devices thinness could cause a problem in everyday use, one Apple fan responded:

“I’ll only put a cover on it anyway.”

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Government Ditches Web Surveillance Plans, Uses Facebook Instead

UNITED KINGDOM – Relenting to public outcry, Prime Minister David Cameron announced the government will ditch controversial web surveillance plans and just friend people on Facebook instead.

The snooper’s charter was met with fierce criticism due to serious privacy fears, prompting the government to turn to the popular social network to do “pretty much everything we were planning anyway.”

The Home Office hailed the new scheme was vital to “investigate serious crime, terrorism,” and most importantly “knowing when an individual changed their relationship status.”

New plans

Under amended surveillance plans, ministers would friend everyone in Britain to gain the ability to see who a person had been in contact with, what sites a person visited and what the weather was like outside a person’s window at any given moment.

Home Secretary Theresa May earlier confirmed the existing Communications Data Bill would be replaced with Facebook’s privacy policy, admitting there was “no point in reinventing the wheel”.

She said the government wanted to avoid the backlash from concerned Britain’s while still enabling the government to find out every last detail of what you get up to on the internet.

And in direct response to privacy advocates, May suggested worried citizens start using Google+ if they wanted complete and utter privacy.

‘You can trust us’

David Cameron backed the proposals as “crucial to combating a new age of criminal threat that we must be ready to deal with” before leaning over to Nick Clegg and asking how to friend London.

Mr Cameron went on to say: “We acknowledge the criticism of the Communications Data bill but this government remains committed to providing security services with new powers to monitor internet activity.”

“Of course we understand the notion that someone would be keeping a constant watch on all online activity would cross the line into a dark place where the expectation of privacy is a thing of the past.”

He assured the public that “those plans have been halted and we’ll just follow you on Facebook”.

The Prime Minister was confident criminals now had no place to hide from the consequences of their illegal activities, “or their office Christmas do”.

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2112: Goal Line Technology “Almost Ready” Say Fifa

PLANET EARTH – Fifa President Sepp Blatter has given football fans encouragement by announcing goal line technology is “very close” to being introduced into professional football.

The disembodied head of Earth’s chief football organisation claimed the latest version of Hawkeye – now using triangulation software capable of pinpointing the location of a football from two solar systems away – was nearly ready for prime time.

“The technology is showing signs of maturity,” Blatter said in an interview with renowned football pundit Bloxxar Kurg of planet Coca-Cola Prime Nine.

‘We’re almost there’

Generations of talks between Fifa, the Football Association and Hawkeye have resulted in the agreement for one more test to make “triple sure” the technology could be relied upon.

Blatter reminded collection of the Galaxies football associations that there was “no quick fix” to determining when a ball has crossed a line like there was for easy issues such as world hunger, global warming and curing all forms of cancer, which have all been solved.

The camera based system is set to be trialed in a friendly between the Chinese Republic of England and Disneyland, formerly known as Greece.

Fifa officials are said to be warming to the idea that technology could be integrated into a football match for something other than advertising.

The decision to augment fundamental decision making with unobtrusive technology “is not one to make lightly,” said the head of Sepp Blatter.  “I have always said we do not want the game of football to be slowed down.”

“We could not bear it if our beautiful game was reduced to something like the speed at which we have come to this decision.  It would ruin the game.”

No rush

Calls for goal line technology have increased with a number of dubious decisions marring high-profile games.

Most notable was in the final of the 2110 Fifa Galaxy Cup which saw Mars beat the skilled team from Planet Appleonia by three goals to two after Mars’ third goal was judged to have crossed the line by the six-eyed official.

Video replays beamed directly into the memories of the crowd 1.8 nanoseconds after the incident proved otherwise but the referee from planet Google-5 were powerless to change the decision.

Appleonians were left fuming after the match: “All those eyes and he couldn’t see the ball hadn’t crossed the line in a million light years,” cried one belligerent fan.

“We need goal line technology now – we can’t afford to wait something ridiculous like 100 years.”

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Facebook Updates Terms of Service, Will Require User DNA

SILICON VALLEY – Facebook have unveiled an update to their terms of service which will required users to submit a DNA sample to continue using the service.

Set to be phased in over the next few weeks, the changes will be accompanied by updated privacy settings to “make it easy to restrict the amount of genetic information you share with your friends.”

Facebook’s announcement comes on the back of rumors rival service Google+ will require new users to submit a copy of house keys when signing up to the social network.

‘Hair, blood, or semen is fine’

The requirement is thought to be part of a new feature set known internally as “Project X Y”, which would match each profile to a set of chromosomes for level of service that previous only came with a criminal record.

“We want to make the awesome Facebook service even more awesomer and to do that we need a better understand of what makes users tick – literally,” said Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg.

He also confirmed the changes were opt-out and advised users who did not wish to continue with the service to make their preference clear before the changes were rolled out and user DNA was collected “because otherwise it’s just awkward.”

The company has pointed users to the following section of its terms of service to better understand the coming changes:

You hereby grant Facebook an irrevocable, perpetual, non-exclusive, transferable, worldwide license (with the right to place at crime scenes) to (a) use, clone, stream, scan, reconstitute and splice any DNA you provide to the Facebook Service subject only to your privacy settings or our whim in the heat of the moment and (b) to use your X and Y chromosomes (as a pair or individually) and genome sequencing for any purpose, including commercial, advertising or general mad science, each of (a) and (b) on or in connection with the Facebook Service or the promotion thereof.

Facebook’s CEO assured users that “we’re not taking DNA to profit from you, and stressed that third-party apps must ask for permission before gaining access to any genetic information a user has not set as open to “everyone.”

All your DNA are belong to us

“We make it super easy to control how much of the information we learn from your DNA is shared,” explained Zuckerberg.  “So if you don’t want to share information like your probability of contracting diabetes,  That’s OK.”

“Or maybe you only want friends of friends to know the likelihood of your future child developing Cystic fibrosis?  You can do that with a simple setting.”

“We give you total control so it’s definitely not creepy.”

Despite assurances from the company, the changes have been met with criticism from some users, privacy advocates and repeat offenders who question whether the new changes gone too far.

“I’m not sure how I feel about this,” said one unsure user.”I mean, right now they only ask for my name, gender, phone number, home address, email address, work history, employment history, relationship history, likes, location, and mother’s maiden name.”

“…Actually, maybe it not all that bad.  Forget I said anything.”

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YouTube Takes Down Hundreds of ‘Rickroll’ Videos

SILICON VALLEY – After numerous complaints from British and American officials, YouTube have removed hundreds of videos used to “rickroll” unsuspecting viewers from its site. 

The bait and switch meme featuring Rick Astley has been used to cause embarrassment ‘on a grand scale’ for years, resulting in a chorus of upset internet users demanding the material and all it’s spin offs be removed from the video sharing site.

The move comes after authorities in US, UK and Dubai were all victim to a concerted Rickrolling campaign which saw them Rickrolled as much as 25 times in a single day through various forms of electronic correspondence, leading to Mr Astley being labelled “one annoying son of a bitch.” by an American IT manager.

‘Please, make it stop’

UK Security minister Baroness Neville-Jones pressed for the videos to be removed after being Rickrolled last Saturday and a New York congressman, Anthony Weiner, sent YouTube a letter listing the hundreds of Rickroll links sent to him over two years when he thought he was open emails linking to videos of D-list celebrity nipple slips.

The requests took on greater urgency after two ‘high ranking’ senators were Rickrolled with the version featuring Ronald MacDonald.  The prime suspects are thought to be YouTube members with possible links to 4Chan.

Baroness Neville-Jones also expressed her deep concern over websites that encouraged homegrown Rickrolling efforts, believing it had become “far too easy for someone to go onto the internet and learn to make these dangerously annoying memes from their bedroom.”

Freedom of pranking

Born in America, Astley’s work has been linked to dorm rooms across the country, several fraudulent Christmas party emails, and 65 fake birthday invites in New York alone.  As a result, he is now on a CIA hit list authorised by President Barack Obama.

Last month, investigators reported finding more than 700 videos used in Rickrolling attack. The clips had garnered more than 3.5m hits in a sure sign that they were being actively used to waste 10 seconds of people’s lives they would never get back.

Victoria Grand, a YouTube spokeswoman said the company had tried to balance the freedom of pwning noobs with averting the calls to violence usually heard in response, but now admits a harder line is needed. “These are difficult issues,” she wrote, “I mean, it was super funny at one point but it’s clearly peaked so I think we’re justified in removing the offending content now.”

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Animal Lover Files Class Action Suit Against Google

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – A local man has filed a class action law suit against search giant Google after its new social networking service Buzz exposed his up until now unknown participation in bestiality circles.  Frank Dean, a ‘dedicated’ veterinarian from New Mexico, is said to be feeling “extremely let down” at the lack of privacy that made his animal love contacts viewable to friends and family.

“Out of the blue this thing just shows everyone who you’ve been emailing.  I didn’t ask for this, It’s outrageous!” said Mr Dean after discovering that Google Buzz automatically broadcasts contacts, a feature that has since been removed in light of reaction from technology journalists and perverts alike.

A Google spokesperson offered an apology to Mr Dean, no longer a Buzz user.  “We wish to express our sincerest apologies to Mr Dean For the lapse in our standard testing procedures that led to this use case being overlooked”.  Google will likely seek to avoid court proceedings by settling with the disgruntled plaintiff, most likely with a years free subscription to ‘Velvet Moo’ magazine.

Friends and family are said to be shocked that Mr Dean’s privacy was exposed in this way. “Where does it end?  Just thinking how easily they exposed Frank you makes me glad I still use AOL mail.  This could’ve been Mike’s secret drug addiction or Jerry’s affair with that escort lady coming out.  It’s just not worth it you know?”

Technology journalists have continued to pan the service for being blind to privacy issues that have recently troubled other social networks.  “How could they overlook this?!”  said one Silicone Valley insider, “They say they did internal testing but obviously no one at Google is into bestiality otherwise they would have found this before release.”

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