Tag Archive | "god"

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Say Something ‘Bout Mama And “Get Got” Warns Pope Francis

PHILIPPINES – Pope Francis has issued a strong public warning, suggesting in no uncertain terms that anyone who cursed his mother could “get got”.

His comments followed the fatal attack on satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo in Paris and comes just days after the pontiff banned all “yo mama” jokes within the Catholic church.

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God Struggling To Decide Which Team Deserves Super Bowl Win More

NEW JERSEY – Worrying reports from Heaven suggest that with only a day to go until Super Bowl XLVIII, God has yet to decide which team deserves to win the game.

As the Seattle Seahawks prepare to take on the Denver Broncos, heavenly sources revealed the two teams are so evenly matched He was having trouble picking the winner.

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Kanye West Interrupts Pope Francis Person Of The Year Speech

VATICAN – Kanye West has sparked more controversy after interrupting the Pope Francis’ acceptance speech for the Person of the Year award.

The 77-year-old pontiff, collecting his award at the Vatican, was left humiliated as West appeared to grab the microphone and launch into a passionate diatribe.

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US Denies Barack Obama Knew NSA Had Tapped Prayers To God

WASHINGTON D.C. – The National Security Agency is denying reports that Barack Obama has been aware of the surveillance of prayers to God since 2010.

The fallout from fresh allegations have been brought by Edward Snowden’s leak of classified security material, prompting even more damaging questions about the extent of US spy activities.

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Pope Benedict Admits God No Longer Answering His Phone Calls

VATICAN – Pope Benedict XVI has admitted for the first time that God has not been returning his calls as often as He used to since leaving his post at the Vatican.

The former head of the Catholic Church revealed as many as eight calls to God in the past week alone have gone unanswered.

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Oldest Undeciphered Text “May Be First Ever Terms of Service Agreement”

OXFORD – Researchers have indicated that the world’s oldest undeciphered text could be the first recorded instance of a Term of Service agreement.

The unintelligible writings, which have so far defied attempts to uncover its true meaning, is close to being deciphered according to university academics.

“I think we’re finally on the point of making a breakthrough,” said director of the Ancient World Research  Jacob Dahl, who warned it could be a while before his team understood the agreement, and even longer to determine how it applies in the real world.

‘What’s ancient Iranian for “Yes, I Agree”’

From the information gleaned to date, the proto-Elamite text appears to be an agreement for the use of agricultural land, which could go some way to explaining why so many people went hungry.

“When our team started looking at the writings over a decade ago, we believed them to be a log detailing everyday observations of a civilisation previously unknown to us in these modern times.”

“But it was just too bloody difficult to follow without skipping straight to the end and chiseling ‘Agree’ into the  stone.”

“That we realised we had uncovered the earliest Term of Service known to man.”

He went on to point out: “Without computers, you would have had to read the entire text and understand the majority of it before agreeing to anything.  But that’s how it was in those backwards times.”

Head scratcher

In an attempt to aid the decoding process, fragments of the ancient agreement are being scanned with the most complex equivalents available to researchers: Facebook and iTunes Terms of Service.

Dr Dahl hopes there may be similarities in both old and new unnecessarily complex examples of language that could help them simplify the convoluted Bronze Age contract to “something my mother could understand.”

“It’s as if they don’t want us to know what they’re trying to say,” he suggested.

“Can I use a borrowed sickle to harvest wheat crops on the third Sunday after a full moon or not?!  Why can’t these things be clearer?”

“Thank God we can just skip through this stuff now else we’d get nothing done nowadays.”

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“Consensual Man Woman Relations Is Where We Draw The Line,” Say Catholic Church

VATICAN – The Pope has accepted the resignation of a shamed bishop found guilty of having a sexual relationship with a “grown woman” who was “very close to his own age”.

After being photographed hugging the woman in question, officials believe bishop Fernando Bargallo had no option but to vacate his position “or risk bringing Catholicism into disrepute.”

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Pope Benedict Urges Church to End ‘Difficult’ Easter Egg Hunt

VATICAN CITY – In his Easter Sunday message Pope Benedict XVI has urged the Catholic Church to call an end to the traditional Easter egg hunt and tell him where the rest of the eggs are hidden.

During Mass in St. Peter’s Square, Benedict voiced his concerns that the annual Catholic Church egg hunt was proving overly challenging having found just two of the suspected 20 eggs hidden in the Vatican.

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Priests Encouraged To Attend Sexual Harassment Workshops

ENGLAND – The head of HR at Church of England has confirmed all priests are being encouraged to attend a range of workshops to explain the difference between performing one’s religious duty and sexually abusing children.

The initiative follows an internal survey that showed a significant proportion of priest could not differentiate between reading scriptures and touching 10-year-olds.  A six week course should mitigate concerns that the recent “do not touch the kids” message may have not yet hit home with all of the Church’s employees.

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams said the establishment of the workshops was a big step to ensuring that fellow priests treat this matter with the same seriousness as a traffic violation.

Sexual Abuse Awareness Training

Church officials backed the move and believe the volunteer programme will be especially beneficial to the few who have yet to fully grasp the importance of allowing under age Church members to go a whole day without having another man’s genitals shoved in their faces, according to programme director Ann Withers.

“These sessions will be about educating attendees on how to re-frame the problem in another context so they can fully come to terms with the need to adjust their actions within a Church setting.”

Mrs Withers went on to say: “One example we use is the supermarket.  You wouldn’t force yourself on an unknown child in the frozen foods aisle, so we don’t do it in the Church aisle – that sort of thing.”

5 steps to a molestation-free day

Commenting on previous instances of child molestation, the head of HR said: “We understand it’s an easy mistake to make so we need to explain to priests in our organisation that haven’t quite make the distinction between loving all God’s children – which is good, and just loving children – which is not so good.”

Mrs Withers emphasised with priests and suggested the Bible could be less suggestive in places.  “Who among us hasn’t read ‘Love thy neighbour’ and felt the need to force our genitals on a child?”

In a sign the scheme was already getting results, one priest was optimistic the course would provide the help he needed and highlight the “Supermarket scenario” as just one of the many useful tips.

“The session went really well,” said priest Scott Lemington.  “I’m just looking to get back to work fiddling kids–no wait! I meant spreading the word of God.  Spreading the word of God. Sorry, it’s only been one session.”

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God Rejects David Cameron ‘Absent Father’ Label

EVERYWHERE – God, father to Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, has hit back against David Cameron after falling victim to the ‘bad dad’ label branded by the UK Prime Minister.

The attack came after Mr Cameron called for absent fathers to be treated as drunk drivers, adding that fathers had a duty to support “financially and emotionally” their children.

It is this statement that caused many fathers to react angrily, and none more so than the omnipresent deity who is reported to be in a ‘particularly vengeful mood’ after the comments which cast serious doubt over His parenting skills.

Blanket statement

“It is high time runaway dads were stigmatised and the full force of shame was heaped upon them,” the Prime Minister said.

“They should be looked at like drink drivers, people who are beyond the pale. They need the message rammed home to them…leaving single mothers, who do a heroic job against all odds, to fend for themselves simply isn’t acceptable.”

This was thought to be in reference to Jesus’ well-known need to create miracles in order to get a decent meal – an example of what happens when the father is not there to adequately provide for a child.

Although He has not spoken directly, a statement was issued by God’s legal team – Thomas Mesereau, the ghost of Johnnie Cochran and Jack McCoy from Law and Order – to determine what legal action can be taken against such what they believe to be character defamation.

Mr Cochran has already indicating their clients “disappointment” over such poor choice of words by Mr Cameron to apply to all absent fathers “Almighty or otherwise.”

‘Slander of the highest order’

“Yes, our client was not with the boy in physical form but was always present in Holy Spirit,” added Mesereau.

The team confirmed they would be investigating all available legal avenues to protect God’s name and would likely seek hefty compensation in addition to an apology from David Cameron.

Speaking to journalists, Mr Cochran went on to say: “We believe the Prime Minister failed to take into account the particulars of this situation and will be exploring our options in order to remove this most heinous of labels. ”

“No further questions.  Thank you.”

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