Tag Archive | "george osborne"

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Attack Submarine Recalled After Targeting George Osborne As National Threat

ENGLAND – The Royal Navy’s £1.2 billion attack submarine has been recalled after mistakenly targeted George Osborne as a threat to the nation following his Autumn Statement.

HMS Astute, which has been plagued with problem in recent years, is thought to have classified the chancellor as an active threat and was moments away from launching an offensive strike.

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Nick Clegg Joins West Ham on Season Long Loan

UNITED KINGDOM – A surprise deadline day transfer has seen Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg leave the coalition government and sign for West Ham United on a season long loan.

The deal, said to be worth nothing, will see the Liberal Democrat leader join the Hammers after a disappointing two years at Downing Street.

His exit brings an end to a hectic day of deadline day transfers made by Prime Minister David Cameron in a bid to reshuffle his struggling cabinet.

Wheeling and Dealing

In addition to the transfer of Jeremy Hunt to health Secretary and Baroness Warsi to Foreign Office Minister, Mr Cameron has also brought in Michael Owen on a pay as you play contract.  A deal similar to the one the PM has with many conservative donors.

Owen, a free agent since being released by Manchester United, said he looked forward to joining Parliament where he would be able to sit on a back bench for long periods of time.

But it’s the departure of Nick Clegg from west to east London that has caught the majority of the headlines.

Clegg signed for the coalition in 2012 on what has since been described as a “crazy day” in the General Election that saw him join the government in a five year deal.

However, he could not cement his place in Westminster after failing to live up to his pre-election promise and has since fallen down the pecking order behind George Osborne, Samantha Cameron, Rupert Murdoch and Daughter Nancy Cameron when it comes to making effective government policy decisions.

“Nick understood that chances here would be few and far between if he stayed,” explained David Cameron.  “I would have made sure of it.”

Fresh start

Privately it’s understood Clegg’s preference was to stay with the coalition and fight for his place, but George Osborne made clear “we can no longer afford to keep him on the bench,” blaming the recession and slow Eurozone growth.

This morning, Clegg said: I’m the same as any politician who got massively lucky and found himself in an unexplained position of power.  I want to be setting policy week in week out.”

“Unfortunately the gaffer said my chances would be limited here, especially with the arrival of Nancy.  That happens and I have to accept it.  That’s government.”

West Ham manager Sam Allardyce was thrilled with his new arrival who he believes will improve his team’s chances of a top ten finish.

“Cleggy’s just the kind of person we need.  He has European experience and his ability to hold the line with no support is second to none.”

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Bank of England Use Fifa Ranking Formula to Show Economy Growing at 98%

UNITED KINGDOM – The Bank of England has increased its growth forecast from 0.8% to approximately 98% since employing the same formula Fifa uses to rank international football teams.

Bank economists are hopeful the same logic defying calculations that resulted in England being named the world’s third best footballing nation can help boost the fortunes of the British economy.

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Conservatives Charged With Keeping Liberal Democrats in Servitude

UNITED KINGDOM – Two members of the Conservative party have been charged with forcing destitute Liberal Democrats in servitude a court has heard.

Prime Minister David Cameron, 45, and his chancellor George Osborne, 41, were charged with multiple counts of keeping another party in squalid conditions for three years as a minority government.

The pair deny all charges, arguing the victims willingly entered into the arrangement.

‘No one should have to live like this’

Earlier this week, Westminster Crown Court heard that victims were made to serve a worthless position for no respect and slept in a constant state of insignificance.

The court was told both conservatives were guilty of conspiracy to prey on desperate men and women taken from the political wilderness and hold them in servitude.

“Their disdain for the dignity of others is hard to watch,” declared a judge who said their actions were “pure evil”.  He then stopped talking about the latest budget and resumed his commentary on the trial.

Witnesses had earlier told the court that victims were verbally abused, mostly by people who voted for them, and often subjected to ridicule for the amusement of others.

“What these people have done is beyond reproach,” blasted the judge. “When cold and calculating people take advantage of the weakest members of society in such a way it is up to the upstanding individuals to say no,” said Haynes.

Focusing on one victim in particular, he described how Mr Cameron and Mr Osborne “have forced ‘victim x’ to performing in an empty political role as Deputy Prime Minister day after day in the “cruelest” of fashions.

Poor conditions

The judge went on to say the pair should be ashamed to have treated another human being in such a way and if they had once ounce of mercy would call a General Election to put the victims out of their misery.

One man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, told authorities how he managed to escape to the Green Party and described a life of being treated “like a Liberal Democrat” for an “unbearably” long time.

In his police interview which was played to the court, he said: “I didn’t like it but they said I couldn’t leave and said if I tried to leave we would never have a chance of Alternative Vote.”

The trial continues.

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David Cameron Accidentally Leaves Nick Clegg in Downing Street

ENGLAND – David Cameron has issued a public apology after leaving Nick Clegg alone in Downing Street, and technically in charge of the country, for almost 15 minutes.

Mr Cameron is reported to have “nipped off to the shops” with Chancellor George Osborne when they realised Mr Clegg was not with them.

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George Osborne Cuts 10% Rate of Income Tax Square in Monopoly

UNITED KINGDOM – In his latest budget, George Osborne has  announced plans to cut the rate of the Income Tax Square to five per cent for earnings over £10,000 during a game of Monopoly.

Speaking in front of Parliament, Mr Osborne said the current rate of 10 per cent had raised “next to nothing” and was causing many across the country to unexpectedly flip the board over in a huff.

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Rail Operators To Increase Taking The Piss By 5.9%

UNITED KINGDOM – Rail operators will increase taking the piss with ticket prices by an average of 5.9% this year, the Association of Train Operating Companies has confirmed.

Multiple factors, including a rise in inflation has meant the cost of the average season ticket will take the piss much more than it did last year, although some operator may decide to take the piss even more.

The piss taking increases are set to take effect across England Scotland and Wales.

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David Cameron’s Economic Outlook: “Actually, Britain Can’t Afford 2012”

UNITED KINGDOM – Despite being less than 24 hours into the New Year, David Cameron has declared Britain can no longer afford to stay in 2012 and will return to the year 2011 “for the foreseeable future”.

The Prime Minister made the announcement to members of parliament on New Years Day, explaining the government did not have the budget required to make it through the year and will instead continue to relive 2011 “until the economy picks up sufficiently to begin 2013.”

It’s understood Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was not consulted at any stage of the decision-making progress.

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Osbourne Fixes Economy After Clegg Threatens To Get Involved

ENGLAND – To the surprise of many, Chancellor George Osbourne has announced he has solved every problem with the UK economy after hearing Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg had threatened to help.

The Liberal Democrat leader has earlier suggested “the country needs jobs and time is no longer on our side,” before outlining how he planned to personally get involved with several initiatives.

Less than seven hours later, Mr Osbourne hastily reported he had successfully increased the nation’s GDP, reigned in inflation and single-handedly returned millions back to full time employment.

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George Osborne Unviels £100 Billion in Unmarked Bills

UNITED KINGDOM – British Chancellor George Osborne has stunned financial experts as he delivered the 2011 budget by pulling an estimated £100 billion in unmarked bills from his famed Budget Box.

Casting his second budget since becoming chancellor, he said the government would move from a model of “rescue to reform,” and from “reform to making it rain.”

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