Tag Archive | "general election"

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Nick Clegg Calls For 2015 Election Debate To Be Held In 2010

UNITED KINGDOM – Nick Clegg has called for next month’s General Election debate to be rescheduled to April 2010, when he had a chance of being Prime Minister.

The Liberal Democrat leader said he was “more than ready” to take on rival party leaders ahead of the 2015 election, as long as the seven-way debate took place five years in the past.

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Nigel Farage: “Some Of My Best Friends Are Dirty Immigrants”

UNITED KINGDOM – Nigel Farage has hit out against accusations that he is racist by suggesting some of his best friends are dirty immigrants who are ruining Britain and need to be stopped at any cost.

Mr Farage claimed the perception of him in the media “is all wrong”, insisting he really has no problem spending time with “people that should be sent back to the God forsaken land they came from immediately.”

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Search And Rescue Teams To Call Off Hunt For Missing Lib Dems

SCOTLAND YARD – Specialist search and rescue teams have abandoned the search for Liberal Democrats reported missing after devastating election results swept over the party.

Two aircraft and over a dozen political advisers had been brought in to survey the wreckage of council and European elections, but have decided to end the search having failed to find even a trace of liberal policies remaining.

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Geneva Deal To Grant Nick Clegg Safe Passage Out Of Coalition

SWITZERLAND – A preliminary deal has been reached that could see Nick Clegg granted safe passage out of the Coalition government back to Liberal Democrat obscurity.

A framework is currently in place in which Nick Clegg would be freed from his powerless position as Deputy Prime Minister, escaping further ridicule and embarrassment, before the 2015 General Election.

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Nick Clegg Joins West Ham on Season Long Loan

UNITED KINGDOM – A surprise deadline day transfer has seen Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg leave the coalition government and sign for West Ham United on a season long loan.

The deal, said to be worth nothing, will see the Liberal Democrat leader join the Hammers after a disappointing two years at Downing Street.

His exit brings an end to a hectic day of deadline day transfers made by Prime Minister David Cameron in a bid to reshuffle his struggling cabinet.

Wheeling and Dealing

In addition to the transfer of Jeremy Hunt to health Secretary and Baroness Warsi to Foreign Office Minister, Mr Cameron has also brought in Michael Owen on a pay as you play contract.  A deal similar to the one the PM has with many conservative donors.

Owen, a free agent since being released by Manchester United, said he looked forward to joining Parliament where he would be able to sit on a back bench for long periods of time.

But it’s the departure of Nick Clegg from west to east London that has caught the majority of the headlines.

Clegg signed for the coalition in 2012 on what has since been described as a “crazy day” in the General Election that saw him join the government in a five year deal.

However, he could not cement his place in Westminster after failing to live up to his pre-election promise and has since fallen down the pecking order behind George Osborne, Samantha Cameron, Rupert Murdoch and Daughter Nancy Cameron when it comes to making effective government policy decisions.

“Nick understood that chances here would be few and far between if he stayed,” explained David Cameron.  “I would have made sure of it.”

Fresh start

Privately it’s understood Clegg’s preference was to stay with the coalition and fight for his place, but George Osborne made clear “we can no longer afford to keep him on the bench,” blaming the recession and slow Eurozone growth.

This morning, Clegg said: I’m the same as any politician who got massively lucky and found himself in an unexplained position of power.  I want to be setting policy week in week out.”

“Unfortunately the gaffer said my chances would be limited here, especially with the arrival of Nancy.  That happens and I have to accept it.  That’s government.”

West Ham manager Sam Allardyce was thrilled with his new arrival who he believes will improve his team’s chances of a top ten finish.

“Cleggy’s just the kind of person we need.  He has European experience and his ability to hold the line with no support is second to none.”

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Conservatives Charged With Keeping Liberal Democrats in Servitude

UNITED KINGDOM – Two members of the Conservative party have been charged with forcing destitute Liberal Democrats in servitude a court has heard.

Prime Minister David Cameron, 45, and his chancellor George Osborne, 41, were charged with multiple counts of keeping another party in squalid conditions for three years as a minority government.

The pair deny all charges, arguing the victims willingly entered into the arrangement.

‘No one should have to live like this’

Earlier this week, Westminster Crown Court heard that victims were made to serve a worthless position for no respect and slept in a constant state of insignificance.

The court was told both conservatives were guilty of conspiracy to prey on desperate men and women taken from the political wilderness and hold them in servitude.

“Their disdain for the dignity of others is hard to watch,” declared a judge who said their actions were “pure evil”.  He then stopped talking about the latest budget and resumed his commentary on the trial.

Witnesses had earlier told the court that victims were verbally abused, mostly by people who voted for them, and often subjected to ridicule for the amusement of others.

“What these people have done is beyond reproach,” blasted the judge. “When cold and calculating people take advantage of the weakest members of society in such a way it is up to the upstanding individuals to say no,” said Haynes.

Focusing on one victim in particular, he described how Mr Cameron and Mr Osborne “have forced ‘victim x’ to performing in an empty political role as Deputy Prime Minister day after day in the “cruelest” of fashions.

Poor conditions

The judge went on to say the pair should be ashamed to have treated another human being in such a way and if they had once ounce of mercy would call a General Election to put the victims out of their misery.

One man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, told authorities how he managed to escape to the Green Party and described a life of being treated “like a Liberal Democrat” for an “unbearably” long time.

In his police interview which was played to the court, he said: “I didn’t like it but they said I couldn’t leave and said if I tried to leave we would never have a chance of Alternative Vote.”

The trial continues.

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Latest Greek Tragedy “The Finest Ever” Say Literary Scholars

GREECE – After fresh failure to form a coalition government, literary scholars have hailed the current turmoil as the best Greek tragedy there has ever been.

As emergency talks fell apart for a third time, plunging the country deeper into crisis, experts of human suffering plots insist the crisis eclipses the works of any ancient Athenian tragedy writer.

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UN Peace Plan Calls For Assad To Be Given Nick Clegg’s Job

DAMASCUS – Arab foreign ministers have backed Kofi Annan’s plan to see Bashar al-Assad removed from power by accepting Nick Clegg’s job in the coalition government.

The proposal would see Assad become David Cameron’s deputy; allowing the Syrian president to remain a governmental position while removing any political power that could be to make an impact in his country.

Drafted by the former Secretary-General, he told the UN Security Council the proposal had been modelled on the last two years of the Liberal Democrat leader’s time inside the coalition government.


Mr Annan explained that seeing Nick Clegg reduced to a virtual bystander in government operations provided the blueprint for a draft agreement aimed at diminishing the Assad regime’s power over the Syrian people.

On a day in which further explosions could be heard from the captial, the former Secretary-Genera stressed: “To bring an end to the suffering, Assad must have his ability to influence government to all intents and purposes neutered like a dog.”

The international resolution includes demands for a ceasefire, the immediate withdrawal of artillery from residential areas and the acceptance that he Syrian leader will be treated with the same respect as a five-year-old at a Mensa debate.

It is uncertain at this point whether the deal will be accepted by Assad himself  as it is understood he has self-esteem and may be unwilling to serve in such a deputy position.

With pressure mounting, the Assad government is said to be seeking clarifications including whether the dictator would physically need to have his spine removed as part of the deal.

Transition of power

Speaking from Downing Street, British Prime Minister David Cameron backed the plan as an “excellent strategy for bringing an end to Bashar al-Assad’s political influence,” and confirmed he did not really “give a toss” who was deputy as he would be ignoring them anyway.

The Conservative leader promised that “as my number two, I would ensure Assad could do no further damage to anything other than his reputation.”

Mr Annan said an agreement would be an “important initial step” to bringing an end to the violence, and described how Mr Assad must implement the plan by forgoing his integrity and reducing his power to the equivalent of a 60 watt light bulb.

UN members privately hoped that the reduction of power would pave the way for Assad and his allies to be completely disposed in the next General Election.

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Ed Miliband To Be Replaced With Cardboard Cutout Of Ed Miliband

ENGLAND – Unconfirmed rumors have suggested leading Labour members are set to replace Ed Miliband with a cardboard cutout of Ed Miliband in a move to inject much needed dynamism into the party.

Multiple anonymous sources from within the party say the decision is a ‘done deal’ and would be announced as soon as the life size cutout of the opposition leader is printed and delivered to Labour’s headquarters – 7 to 10 working days according to factory estimates.

The six week old piece of corrugated cardboard – from a factory in Middlesbrough – will feature a full colour print and unlike the current leader, will come with an all-weather coating to prevent water damage.

Cardboard Ed

After numerous questions over Ed Milibands ability to inspire voters, Labour members are said to want a leader ‘with at least two dimensions’.  There is a firm agreement that the inanimate piece of cardboard will do a better job as a leader than it’s flesh-and-blood counterpart.

One MP – who wish to remain anonymous – said: “We’re not blind to the facts.  We desperately need someone exciting, someone with fresh impetus, and this piece of cardboard could be just the shot in the arm Labour needs right now.”

Publicly, Mr Miliband has dismissed any speculation he could be replaced by a life-sized replica, but is privately said to be ‘sweating buckets’ over the prospect of a more colourful, capable and foldable replacement.

Concerns the cutout would be unable to articulate any workable solutions for bringing the country back to growth, but MP’s have already suggested “the ideas for governing the country be printed on the back side of the cutout so they would be easily seen as right now, we don’t know were the hell Ed keeps them.”

‘A new, more dynamic leader’

With a new strategy seemingly  in place, Labour members are understandably confident of claiming back power with a cardboard cutout of Ed Miliband at the helm.

This is due to the included ‘proper sturdy’ stand attachment which they believe will provide their new leader with more backbone than Nick Clegg, in addition to the advances in digital printing technology which will allow the printed image to convey empathy for working class Britain more convincingly than David Cameron.

“I was sceptical about the whole idea at first, but then I was shown the mock-up of the cutout and I must say…it looks mightily impressive and only cost us 25 quid.”

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Nick Clegg Hails Achievements in Home Decoration

LIVERPOOL – In a bid to prove his worth, Nick Clegg has hailed the ‘good things’ he has achieved with the Downing Street decor since forming the coalition government.  

Speaking from a specially constructed annex of the Conservative conference hall, Clegg reminded Lib Dem delegates he has in fact had a ‘major’ impact at Downing Street despite talk of the contrary.

He claimed to be proud of his valuable contributions made whilst serving as David Cameron’s deputy, like the time he choose to go with the Feathersound lined panel drapes instead of the ‘cheap looking ones’ when shopping for furnishings.

Valuable asset

“I’ve managed to redo the paintwork, improve the plumbing and put in some smashing curtains in the windows.  Don’t try and tell me I haven’t had an impact.”

However, Clegg was forced to acknowledge he was in for a “rough ride” trying to furnish the rest of Number 10 with tough spending cuts ahead.

A recent survey showed Liberal Democrats only slightly more popular than Herpes as supporters continue to show disappointment over the party’s failure to live up to the hype of the General Election, but Clegg urged doubters to keep faith as he planned to implement some ‘amazing feng shui techniques in the coming months’  that would demonstrate his relevance to Downing Street.

‘Nick has been a lifesaver’

He also pointed to strides made to tackle the deficit, planned improvements to education and meeting foreign leaders as things that couldn’t have been done if he wasn’t there to “keep things tidy and make sure food was on the table when David came back from a hard days work.”

In a show of support, David Cameron applauded Mr Clegg for his fine work decorating and insisted there will be an increasingly integral role for him, especially since the birth of his daughter:

“Babysitters are so expensive these days,” he said.

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