Tag Archive | "games"

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Olympics: Incredible Hulk Protests Innocence Amid Doping Controversy


LONDON – The Incredible Hulk is fighting to save his reputation after being accused of taking performance enhancing substances during the London Olympics.

The damning allegation followed a series of “disturbing” gold medal performances in the men’s weightlifting contest which saw the Hulk destroy the world record by approximately five metric tonnes.

However, he did go on to lose to China’s Zhang Jike in the table tennis singles final.

Cheat speculation

Commentators were stunned at a performance in which he successfully lifted 94 kg plus an additional 5000 kg “as if it was nothing” then went on to throw a television crew van clear of the grounds before leaping over the Olympic stadium to the nearby velodrome in a single bound.

Several officials in attendance suggested “serious questions” needed to be asked, though the allegations sparked angry reactions from the coaching team and comic book geeks alike.

Hulk has denied taking any banned substances having already passed a drugs test prior to the start of the games.  He has been cleared to compete in his remaining events including the shot put, 200m hurdles and the 3 km long jump over buildings.

The news represents the biggest controversy at the Olympic games since Popeye was handed a lifetime ban in 1996 having been found guilty of consuming large quantities of performance enhancing salad.

Since then drug testing standards have tightened significantly, but Russian coach Sergei Pavlenko believes it is still possible for gaps to be exploited.

“No system can be foolproof,” argued Pavlenko.  “You saw same thing as me.  What he did, it’s not natural.“

“The way he flip truck over like child throw toys?”

“And the veins on his neck.  I’m just saying IOC must take closer look at this guy.”

‘Hulk strongest there is’

In a brief but strongly worded statement the seven foot, 1040 pound athlete categorically stated: “Hulk no drug cheat,” before adding: “Hulk smash hurtful lies.”

He attributed his success to a rigorous training schedule and hard work and has been backed by his coaches who have all dismissed doping claims as sour grapes.

“Hulk practise.  Coach good,” explained the gigantic humanoid.  “Hulk never lazy. Hulk train hard.”

Head coach Captain America also moved to make clear that “Hulk is 100% clean.  No way he’s juicing.”

“Hulk puts his all into every event he enters,” he insisted.  “He gets over excited sometimes but I don’t think that should count against him.”

An investigation is under way.

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Emergency Troops To Fill Empty Spaces on London Underground


LONDON – The British government has confirmed it will look into reports of empty seats on the London Underground which has left locals without a convenient excuse to arrive late to work.

An urgent investigation has been launched as a result with workers in the capital expressing disappointment they have not been massively delayed on their commute to the office.

The smooth operation of London’s tube network was a major blow to those looking forward to having a ready made excuse when strolling into the office at 11am.

Emergency situation

Organisers were forced to act after gaps were visible on a number of trains across Central and Jubilee Lines ensuring a trouble free journey for several commuters, many of whom say they feel let down after promises of packed trains and delayed journeys failed to manifest.

Although unconfirmed, potentially embarrassing eye-witness accounts suggest the travel situation was so under control there was room to allow women and those with small children to get off a train before boarding.

Financial clerk David Cross told of his anger at getting into work seven minutes earlier than usual on the first commute since the games began.

“This is a total shambles,” blasted Mr Cross. “A big part of the London 2012 promise was for every Londoner to have a good excuse to come to work late.”

“Someone needs to take responsibility for this fiasco,” he said adding: “I hate my job.”

“It was supposed to be simple,” explained another commuter who chose to remaining anonymous.  “I get in get in at half 11, blame the Olympics, have lunch at half 12, then leave work early to beat ‘the rush’.”

“But today I got in at half eight like always.  Who’s responsible for this?!”

‘We’re working to rectify the problem’

London Mayor Boris Johnson said the empty seats were “very disappointing” suggesting the problem was “down to certain individuals who bought travelcards in advance but subsequently decided to take a taxi.”

He then outlined plans to call in emergency troops to “slow things down by “bringing in troops on a temporary basis so we can gum up the works.”

“They’ll be walking around aimlessly, getting in the way while holding tube maps upside down and holding doors open instead of waiting two minutes for the next train.”

“Clearly we’ve fallen short of expectations set before the games and we are working tirelessly to ensure our transport system buckles under pressure as we promised it would.”

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EA Announce NBA Lockout 2012 For All Major Consoles


CALIFORNIA – Video game giant Electronic Arts have announced development of their “ground breaking” sports game NBA Lockout 2012 is now complete.

Gamers will be able to play through endless periods of strike action and contract negotiations in the most life-like simulation of basketball players not playing basketball to date, according to Chief Operating Officer Peter Moore.

Moore is confident players will have the full lockout experience in their living room as they compete all the way to a court of law in an ‘exhilarating’ campaign of lengthy revenue sharing arbitration.

It’s in the game

“We’ve captured the true essence of the current 2011-2012 NBA season,” said Peter Moore.

“That’s why most of the game will see players take control of NBA stars standing around in suits, going into closed-door meeting before emerging to blame the other side for the absence of any agreement.”

Early previews have been generally positive.  Video gaming site IGN declared the title “The most accurate representation of a bunch of millionaires and billionaires fighting over more money that most fans would know what to do with.”

“The sense of frustration is so realistic,” raved one reviewer.  “You can literally feel your blood boil as the players call another press conference to announce why they still haven’t worked out a deal to start the damn season.”

“If you want the best lockout experience on any console and don’t have ESPN, this is the game for you!”

Pixel for pixel

A Gamespot preview praised the all new animation system, revamped using the latest motion capture technology to accurately model players as they shuffle in their seats and shake their heads to turn down another deal offered by owners.

An EA spokesman indicated further DLC is understood to be in the works, with the first release expected to add updated audio tracks of the latest excuses from players and bosses over why a deal still hasn’t gone through.

When asked how much playing time was on the disc Moore replied: “We’re not actually sure.  No one has managed to complete the game yet.”

“But at the rate things are going, Lockout 2013 is going to be even better.”

NBA Lockout 2012 is scheduled for release on Xbox 360, PS3, Wii and PC.

 

Following the game’s completion, EA distributed the following press release:

“Electronic Arts Inc. (NASDAQ: ERTS) announced today that EA SPORTS™ NBA Lockout 12 will be in retail stores now throughout North America once an appropriate revenue sharing deal can be reached between developer and publisher divisions of the company.

NBA Lockout 2012 features exciting new gameplay enhancements, including ground-breaking lack of common ground, all-new finger-pointing mechanics, and the legendary David Stern bringing more unforgettable moments of false hope.

In addition, outside of the 30 current NBA teams, gamers will have the ability to select from this years rosters of legal representatives, agents, trade association members and team owners as they all sit around and argue over who should be made slightly richer.

NBA Lockout 2012 is rated “E” for Everyone – unless you want to see some actually basketball being played.”

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Iran Threaten To Not Make Up The Numbers At Olympics


SWITZERLAND – Iran have reiterated their threat to boycott the London 2012 Olympic Games, potentially leaving the International Olympic Committee with one less country to make up the numbers at the event.

Claiming the London 2012 logo spells out the word ‘Zion’, Iranian Olympic president Mohammad Aliabadi wrote to IOC president Jacques Rogge, insisting “the revolting act of reflecting Iran’s enemies in the logo is even more offensive than those ‘horrible excuses for mascots’ and one for which we are prepared to forfeit the defence of our 52nd place finish in Beijing.”

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Pacman Diagnosed With Diabetes


Legendary video game figure Pacman has been diagnosed with diabetes as a direct result of a lifestyle fueled by ‘excessive eating habits’.  The yellow circle is a 30 year veteran of the gaming industry famous for his ability to eat for hours on end without pause for breathe or even a drink to help digestion.

The news has rocked the gaming world and has become the biggest tragedy since Sonic developed rickets, a fact he is yet to come to terms with.

Reality check

Another victim of celebrity over indulgence, a life of non-stop excess appears to have caught up with Pacman after doctors diagnosed him with advanced stages of the type 2 variant of the disease, also labelling him clinically obese for a number of years.  He had been previously warned over his lifestyle back when he was just 2cm in diameter but has now ballooned to over 10cm having been rushed to hospital after collapsing on a trail run of a new maze in an upcoming Pacman game.

“This is not rocket science.  If you eat your weight in sugary treats there will be repercussion,” said Dr Elin Steiner who has treated a number of video game characters in the past, including Mario after multiple karting accidents, and Frogger when he was hit by an oncoming vehicle. “These people think they are indestructible.  Life just doesn’t work like that I’m afraid.”

Dr Steiner and her team have prescribed a glucose controlled diet in addition to more exercise than ‘just strolling around a maze all day’.

Game over?

Pacman himself said he had no regrets over his lifestyle and would “do it all over again if someone inserted another coin”.  This despite a career which could lead to kidney failure or heart attack, if he had either of those organs.

Medical experts are even advising Pacman to retire from his day job which could cost him his life, as a return to uncontrollable eating would mean ‘certain death’ for him.

While such a scenario would be a boost to the ghosts that roam the mazes, many video game characters have called on the beloved circle to call time on what many agree has been a illustrious career.  “No one wants to see him go out like this,” said Ryu from Street Fighter. “He just needs to take care of himself right now.  Him, Mrs Pacman and those little Pac-babies…or are those yellow M&Ms?”

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FIFA Officials Accused of Cheating in FIFA Soccer 96


ZURICH – Three senior Fifa officials have been accused of ‘gross acts of misconduct’ whilst playing FIFA Soccer 96 on the Sega Genesis.  In a damning report this week , Nicolas Leoz, Issa Hayatou and Ricardo Teixeira are all alleged to have taken advantage of numerous loopholes in the popular video game, including the ability to score from the halfway line at will.

The report suggests that all three took advantage to win games against opponents who were unaware of how horribly unbalanced the game was.  Also cases of players being bribe to throw games by ‘accidentally’ unplugging controller, scoring own goals and keeping players stationary while letting player two take the goalkeeper all the way to the opposition penalty area to score a winning goal.

The three men have denied the allegations of bad sportsmanship, challenging accusers to provide the save game files to prove guilt.

Mr Hayatou, Fifa vice-president representing football in African nations, was quoted in one leaked email with the subject “Yesterday”, saying “Oh!  Remember how badly you got beat son.  FROM THE HALFWAY LINE!!!  Don’t hate the player, hate the game!”

A former FIFA account manager, who choose to remain anonymous, said that staff had long suspected cheating was going on ever since he was destroyed by his EA Dream Team.

He added that these allegations were irrelevant in this day and age when FIFA 11 had just come out, adding that taking advantage of the bugs were just part of the experience back then.  “It’s not my fault you can score from the half way line…it’s not cheating, it’s just the way the system is built.”

Profiles: FIFA Soccer 96 Accused

Nicolas Leoz [GamerTag: SmokesMadBluntsXX]

President of South America’s football federation, Mr Leoz is a long-time player of the FIFA series ever since FIFA International Soccer in 1993.

The 82-year-old Paraguayan, the oldest of FIFA player on record is a lawyer profession, but describes himself as still able to put up a game against anyone ‘brave enough to pick up the controller against me’.

nicolasleoz

He says his favourite football match of all time was his defeat of England, playing as Argentina in  FIFA: Road to World Cup 98.

Issa Hayatou [Gamertag: Cheetah]

The 64-year-old Cameroonian has been a steady payer of the series since switching from ISS and playing FIFA Soccer 95 instead.

He is also a member of a local online FIFA league, and helped organise the 11 vs 11 match between his office and the bakery down the street.

issahayatou

His decades as the best African FIFA Soccer gamer have not been without controversy.

He received strong criticism earlier this year after a game between himself and a rival gamer ended with accusations he had given his opponent and ‘busted controller’ which lead to a 7-1 win for Hayatou.  He continues to deny the charges.

Ricardo Teixeira [GamerTag: ShowMeTheMoney]

Ricardo Teixeira, 63, has been considered to be the best FIFA Soccer player over 50 for years since his closest rival died of cardiac arrest in 2006.

ricardoteixeira

Mr Texeira was married to Lucia Havelange, daughter of former Fifa president Joao Havelange, for almost 30 years until their divorce, sparked by continued arguments over whether FIFA was better than Pro Evolution Soccer.

It remains to be seen how the new will affect the voting for the 2018 2022 tournament hosting.

At a recent press conference, Fifa president Sepp Blatter was asked about the  allegations to which he  replied: “Should it be knowledgeable to us that these guy cheat on the game, then naturally we would have to look at that.  Maybe organise a rematch or something.”

However, Fifa’s media office, when asked how that would be facilitated, said they had no idea as they no longer had access to a working Genesis machine.

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Bowser Makes Apperance On Oprah


CHICAGO – Bowser, leader of the Koopa race, has made a sensational appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show in a bid to repair his damaged reputation.  The Koopa king, who was joined on the show by Doctor Robotnik, sought to appeal to viewers who see him to as an oppressive tyrant.  “People play the video games and think they know me.  The truth is I’m just not that guy.”

When asked about his on rivalry with Mario, Bowser contended there was more to the story:  “You must understand that he’s breaking into my home.  He comes to me Oprah.  Harassing staff and throwing fire around like a lunatic.  I have to defend myself.”

He announced he would be donating 100 million coins to the Mushroom Kingdom Training Fund, which aims to “invest in educating mushrooms on the best way to avoid aerial attacks,” a gesture Oprah called ‘heart-warming’.  She also acknowledged that Bowser had wanted to donate the coins in September but couldn’t because he was busy conjuring his next evil scheme.

‘Our sympathy is in another castle’

The timing of the donation has led to speculation that the king of Koopas was attempting to counter bad press generated by his repeated kidnappings of Princess Peach.  However, the head Goomba in charge of walking backward and forward in 2D space said motivations didn’t matter, ‘what’s important is the benefit to underprivileged mushroom cannon fodder everywhere.“

Both Mario and brother Luigi condemned the interview as a ‘weak’ PR stunt saying Bowser has shown his true colours time and time again in Super Mario Brothers three, Super Mario World and Super Mario 64  games among others.  “One appearance on Oprah can’t change that,” said the plumber and part-time Raccoon.  “I wouldn’t trust him as far as I can throw fireballs at him so he falls in that  conveniently placed lava.”

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Big Bad Wolf Slams Delhi Preparations


DELHI – The chaos surrounding the Delhi preparations for the Commonwealth Games has deepened after the Big Bad Wolf added to condemnation of India’s readiness to host. Mr Wolf a.k.a ‘Wolfie’, an expert in structural engineering, agreed to go on record with an account of the ‘disastrous’ construction work in the country. “I was there for five months and knew it was a mess,” recalls Wolfie’. “They didn’t want to hear it though. By the way, my name isn’t Wolfie, don’t call me that.”

The past week has already seen the collapse of a footbridge leading to the event’s main stadium, but Wolfie is  not surprised by press reports of disarray. “I know a thing or two about crappy workmanship, so when I say a building is coming down…buddy, you better believe it’s coming down.  I could’ve blown that bridge over in ten puffs or less.”

Complete Shambles

This expert testimonial has only increased the pressure on the government amid already escalated concerns that hosting the Commonwealth Games may be a step too far for the fledgling nation.  Urban development minister Jaipal Reddy quickly moved to rubbish such claims, insisting preparations will be complete on schedule.  When faced with questions over sub-standard construction, he said: “I know about Mr Wolf, he is notorious for causing trouble in matters that do not concern him and should not be taken on face value.  The games will go ahead as planned.”

Many high profile athletes have already pulled out on the advice of Wolfie, who laughed of assertions India would get their act together in time as ‘fairytale’.

Mr Reddy however, maintains he is not afraid of ‘overblown accusations’ from the Big Bad Wolf, dismissing his earlier remarks that the first two little pigs did a better job than India, calling them ‘unnecessarily inflammatory and unhelpful’.

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Taliban Soldiers Call For Medal of Honor Ban


KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – Leading members of the Taliban have launched a scathing attack on the upcoming Medal of Honor game which forces players to shoot Afghan terrorists over a number of realistic levels. It’s the single player campaign that has caused so much controversy as it sees players take control of US soldiers throughout the entire game, indiscriminately gunning down alleged Taliban operatives.

“It’s shocking that someone would think it acceptable to recreate the acts of American and British soldiers.  This game is thoroughly un-Afghan, I urge our lone retailer to show support for insurgent forces and ban this tasteless product.” was the response from Minister of Foreign Affairs Abdul Muttawakil.

“And why do we all look the same?!” he questioned after al-Jazeera aired footage of Taliban soldiers being shot and killed only to be replaced with an identical looking soldiers seconds later. “The Americans all look rugged and handsome.  Do they think we all look alike?  That’s racist. Our lawyers will hear about this so help me Allah.”

Too soon

With the Taliban still locked in guerrilla warfare with troops from the United States and Britain, many Afghan civilians believe the game is ill-timed, but publishers EA say they’ve already waited nine years and can’t put the release off for another decade.

The debate has been compared to continued Nazi outcry over a slew of WWII games in which players are encouraged to mow down soldiers of Hitler’s regime.  “It’s highly insensitive to keep reminding us we lost the war. We get it already!”

EA have no plans to change the game despite backlash and threats of suicide bombing. “Someone has to play the good guys.” said a spokesperson for the company. “The Taliban are the ones waging war on us.  If they don’t like it, write to our customer complaints department.”

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Video Game Event Turn Children To Terrorism


Video games have long been used to corrupt our nations moral fibre but at this year’s E3 event in LA, games companies set their site higher and began actively recruiting for extremist cells across the globe.  Like any other self respecting new network, MLNN holds a well deserved disdain for video games and so frown on events like E3 which are now attempting to turn our children to terrorism.    Our correspondent is at the scene to warn us of the dangers to come out of this years event. One can only hope our warning signs are heeded before another tragedy occurs.
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