Tag Archive | "franchise"

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Starbucks To Build New Shops Inside Other Coffee Shops

SEATTLE – Following pressure from shareholders, Starbucks have revealed their solution to a lack of expansion space by announcing they will begin opening new franchise locations inside rival coffee shops.

The company’s strategy of rapid expansion into redundant locations has slowed in recent years, forcing CEO Howard Shultz to outline a plan to bring the Starbucks brand into shops that already sell coffee.

“Having two Starbucks within 50 feet of one another was a good start for us, but now we need to take that pointless redundancy to its next logical level,” Mr Shultz explained.

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Domino’s Pizza To Replace NHS Direct Helpline

ENGLAND – The UK government has said it will hand over responsibility of servicing all non-emergency health calls to Domino’s Pizza.

The announcement comes on the back pressure to find £20 billion in savings and the change to front line service would see a saving of £1 billion, plus a free medium pizza for health related calls made on weekdays between noon and 2pm.

After a survey revealed that nearly a quarter of all callers to the NHS ended up self diagnosing themselves with pizza, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley said the fast food franchise was a perfect fit with NHS care.

“At present, people can be confused about who to contact when having stomach problems or experience dizziness and many end up calling Dominoes anyway as pizza is often the cure.”

Private-Public partnership

The plan – which will see NHS staff transferred to their local Domino’s store for retraining – marks the beginning of the move to combine public health care with private elements “where it makes sense to do so,” and has lead to interest from other private companies such as McDonald’s, interested in handling paediatric care.

The announcement has also received severe criticism from nurses who fear jobs could be lost to local deliverymen as well as voicing concerns that every diagnosis will end in an order for a Full House, garlic bread with BBQ sauce and a Diet Coke.

A Department of Health spokesman denied the move would lower standard of care.  She said: ‘This is not purely a cost cutting exercise, but is about bringing patient care and great pizza closer together.  It’s in Domino’s interests to keep patients alive.’

Enhanced service

Mr Lansley did admit there would “naturally be growing pains, like people taking up time with emergency calls or those who mistakenly dialed thinking they were calling Pizza Hut.”  He denied callers would be short-changed in terms of care, but did admit they may still be short-changed if they paid at their door.

Domino’s will remain free to call and staffed by a team of fully trained ‘call advisers’, on hand to assess callers’ medical and lunch time needs.

Patients would be able to make appointments with a GP or in an emergency, have an ambulance sent “in 30 minutes or less.”

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Hungry Protesters Demand End To Burger King’s Reign

TEXAS – The 40-year rule of the Burger King is believed to be under ‘serious’ threat amid increasing unrest throughout the fast food chain’s restaurants ad drive-thru locations.

Facing allegations of mass corruption, suppressing democracy and charging three times as much for a burger than the take out down the street, the King’s regime is braced for a ‘day of flame-grilled rage with a side of fries’ as mass demonstrations continue at participating stores nationwide.

One man could be seen pointing to a menu, highlighting that “the milkshake here costs three dollars but only a buck seventy-nine over at In-n-Out…if that’s not corrupt, you tell me what is.”

Earlier today, restaurant staff clashed with protesters at a Texas branch as the King attempts to crack down on anti-regime protests.  This after an appeal for dialogue was rejected by those demanding to be able to feed their families for a ‘reasonable price’.

Have it your way

“A Triple Whopper meal costs eight bucks?!  We’re not made of money God dammit…  Death to the king!” – just one of many defiant voices heard over the drive-thru intercom.

The State Department has warned against all non-essential travel to Burger King as a local hospital told Human Rights Watch that 167 people were admitted from nearby restaurants, but noted a third of those could have been obesity related cases.

The King has failed to address the ongoing state of emergency directly despite multiple television appearances, instead calling on supporters to taste the flame-broiled, jalapeños and cheddar cheese stuffed Steakhouse sandwich.  Elliot Martins, an expert on populace uprisings, says is “completely avoiding the issue.”

In further news of protests, demonstrations are erupting at Kentucky Fried Chicken locations against the reign of Colonel Sanders.

Toppling regimes

Despite explaining the Colonel has been dead for 30 years, cashiers say there was no reasoning with the enraged crowds, after hearing screams of: “If he’s dead, then take his face off the chicken!  We want change!”

Mr Martins is convinced that “what we are seeing here is a deep seeded frustration in the status quo that have boiled over to a point it can no longer be put down by these established franchises.  This is real.”

He is in no doubt the Burger King’s regime is doomed, and predicts he could hand in his crown even as soon as the current TexMex promotion ends this month where he would then seek exile within the local Jack in the Box.

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Super Bowl Showed Way Too Much Football, Say Advertising Fans

TEXAS – An independent survey has shown that 71% of Sunday’s television audience believe the Super Bowl was completely ruined by the “bits in between the great commercials”.

Despite a strong line up of million-dollar commercials, broadcasters made the inexplicable decision to show footage of the Green Bay Packers win over Pittsburgh Steelers: a move that many believe threatened the sanctity that is the game of visual brand exploitation.

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Ireland Receive Bailout “Just In Time To See Harry Potter”

REPUBLIC OF IRELAND – Irish PM, Brian Cowen, has hailed the €90 billion [roughly $600 trillion] bailout loan which will be spent on tickets to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, after it was feared the country’s dire economic situation would leave millions unable to afford the €8 ticket to see the movie.

Officials in Brussels said the loan would bring an end to the uncertainty by enabling each individual to see the movie, which smashed UK weekend box office records, ‘two or three times over if they wish’.  There is also is also a contingency fund for the future purchase of Harry Potter merchandise over the next few months.

Cowen conceded the hype surrounding the movie necessitated the need for the bailout to be accepted, saying: “I’ve got four million angry, slight drunk Irish people who really really want to see this film.  What other option do I have?!”

A matter of closure

The opposition, in the form of Green Party leader John Gormley, blasted the decision to take money just to see the 7th movie of the wildly successful franchise, expressing doubts over the ability of a now older cast to continue putting in believable performances while also questioning the decision to split the final book into two parts, possibly requiring another bailout come July.

An EU handout would be seen as a loss of face for the republic, essentially meaning that it’s ability to see the latest blockbusters was now dependant on Brussels, who are known to have ‘questionable’ taste in films after suggesting Greece spend their loan on tickets to see The Back-Up Plan.

Mr Gormley joined was angered by the way Prime Minister Cowen has handled the crisis and called for any loan to go towards tickets for Colin Farrell’s new movie instead, arguing that the money would be better spent on a ‘local Dublin boy’ rather than 120 minutes of ‘flippin’ witchcraft’.

However, advisers said the Irish government could not conceivably go against the advise of Eurozone partners, Central Bank and Rotten Tomatoes, who said the film was ‘well worth spending any bailout amount on’.

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George Lucas Discovers New Way To Exploit Stars Wars

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas has announced he has discovered a new way to exploit the Star Wars franchise for ‘big bucks’ by releasing it in 3D.  

A statement on the Star Wars website said: “The cutting edge conversion will take the feeling that you’re being ripped off again and again to the next thrilling level.”

Lucas had reportedly delayed converting the Star Wars movies into 3D until there were enough ‘suckers’ available to sell to and now feels that 2012 is the right time.  “Getting people to repurchase something they’ve already bought  is a matter of taking the time to let them forget they even own the films in the first place,” he said.

The news is a boon to fans who have already been financially squeezed dry and are looking forward to a similar experience in a new dimension.  “I can’t wait,” screamed one fan. “Maybe it’ll be like the time he sold us the 20th anniversary box set…oh oh, or more like the time he made us buy the same set 10 years later.  Oh, the memories.”

‘Money please’

When asked why he chose to wait for the re-re-re-re-release in 3D over the easier option of shaking down fans in the street for money, Lucas admitted that option ‘was on the table in the early stage dicussions’ before deciding to go with something ‘a little more classy’.

Poor conversions of recent 2D films, such as the Clash of the Titans had prompted fears for the quality of 3D Star Wars, but Lucas  assured fans that the proper time and effort was being spent developing the most superior way to further rape the franchise for all it was worth.

He also revealed that talks are underway to produce a special edition smell-o-vision Star Wars box set for release whenever he needs the cash.

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Ronald McDonald To Run For California Governor

CALIFORNIA – Ronald McDonald has announced his shock entry into the 2010 California gubernatorial elections in an astonishing bid to become California’s next Governor. The fast food mascot cut short a children’s birthday party to make the announcement in front of the assembled children and their parents.  He claimed his decision to run for public office came as a result of feeling disillusioned with the current state of politics. “The Terminator has failed us.  California is a mess and we need someone serious about securing stability for future generations.  Vote McDonald” was the message from a jubilant clown before gathering to sing Happy Birthday to a confused eight year old Sarah Lewis. Concerns over the precedent set by a candidate with such heavy corporate ties were dismissed by McDonald’s press secretary Grimace, who insists the corporation has ‘only good intentions’ for the people of California. Having never held an elected office, McDonald will likely employ Mayor McCheese, The Mayor of McDonaldland as advisor.  The hamburger head’s experience in winning over public opinion in a land full of fantasy characters could prove crucial in gaining the support of California voters. Rumors are also abound that McDonald will take on the Hamburglar as campaign strategist, despite the troubled history the two share.
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Al Qaeda To Use Junk Food In Effort To Kill More Americans

JACKSON, MS – Al Qaeda have admitted they can no longer compete with fast food restaurants when it comes to killing Americans and will halt current terrorist activities to open their own burger chain.

The decision was made after seeing KFC released a new sandwich where fried chicken is the bread and Friendly’s restaurant introduce a burger where the bread is two grilled cheese sandwiches.

“The chicken is the bread! How can we compete with that?!” said number two Ayman al-Zawahri. “Our most sophisticated explosive devices cannot take as many lives as these sandwiches.”

The Islamic Terror group remained committed to carrying out atrocities against American, but will change direction by launching ‘Jihad Express Burger’ which will deal a ‘deliciously slow and agonising death to our enemies.’

“Of course we are still believe in death to America, but we have to adapt to the times” explained Zawahri. “We have developed a sandwich with beef injected chicken as the bread and a mixture of cheese and hot dog meat in between.  It’s topped with one hundred percent pure trans fat. We call it the Jihad Burger.  Bacon is 50 cents extra.”

Zawahri believes that the move into fast food presented the most efficient means of dealing death to immoral westerners across the country. “We can still deal death to Americans and also reduce the cost of indoctrinating new recruits after each suicide mission.”

The new plan to terrorise civilians has gone down surprisingly well in many states across the US with hungry Americans eager to taste Islamic extremist hated in burger form.

“Yeah, that burger sounds good. These guys are finally speaking my language” said one man between mouthfuls of a 72oz steak and Diet Coke.

Jihad Express Burger restaurants will open in selected locations this year.  The first hundred Americans eat free.

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Guantanamo Bay To Become Franchise

CUBA – Guantanamo Bay, the detention center famous for offering indefinite periods of hospitality and prisoner care has expanded operations and will begin franchising under the ‘Gitmo’ brand.  The camp has proven such a success that President Obama has decided to renege on his inauguration promise to close the facility within his first year of presidency.  “This will create thousands of jobs over 10 years and benefit small business owners.  I can’t believe I was going to shut this place down!”

Gitmo will remain headquartered in Cuba but will open it’s doors to entrepreneurs looking to enter the booming clandestine detention industry by opening their own Gitmo site.  “This is a big opportunity to be your own boss in a market that has so much potential.” said James Anderson, who also owns a car battery company.  “We’ve only just begun to scratch the surface of prisoner mistreatment.”  The first site will open in Afghanistan’s Bagram Air Base after President Obama’s blessing and agreement to receive a 30% cut.   “It’s not just the mistreatment, it’s the complete lack of due process.  You just can’t get that at any other facility” said Obama.

Local detainees are understandably wary at the announcement.  The existence of a Gitmo branded camp could put Bagram’s mom and pop detention centers at risk of closure. “I’ve been going to Bagram for 5 years now for no reason, and the water boarding service is second to none.” said Yaseen Al Mustaqeem “I’m worried Gitmo will lack that personal touch.”

If successful, Gitmo could be expanded beyond designated combat zones into other commercial markets.  “Imagine a time when instead of getting a divorce, simply dump your husband at a high street Gitmo store.  No questions asked and you can now claim one hundred percent of his money…That’s a hell of a value proposition”.

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