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FIFA Order Luis Suarez To Be Properly Fed Before Matches


BRAZIL – FIFA’s independent disciplinary committee have officially ordered Luis Suarez to eat three square meals a day after biting Giorgio Chiellini.

The incident occurred during Tuesday’s World Cup game with Italy where Suarez attempted to take a bite out of an opposing player, causing football’s governing body to “act fast” and ensure he is “properly fed before entering the field of play”.

Luis Suarez has also been handed £65,000 in Subway vouchers and will undergo mandatory training to learn why cannibalism is bad.

Hunger strikes

The 27-year-old had now been found guilty of biting three opponents in his career, prompting concerns no one was feeding him.

This represent the biggest food related controversy in world football since the 1987 FIFA investigation to determine who ate all the pies.

FIFA were praised for decisive action in the aftermath of the incident having also issued a warning for players to stay as clear of Suarez as the English defence did in São Paulo.

“This is not the first time this kind of biting has occurred and we must now take decisive action,” Claudio Sulser, chairman of the FIFA disciplinary committee, said in a statement.

“While we support players getting the required nutrition to ensure they remain competitive during matches, this organisation does not believe said nutrition should come from the flesh of a fellow player.”

“Even if that player is as annoying as Chiellini.”

Meal ticket

Suarez’s first meal could be at a local Brazilian restaurant before he is flown back to his home club for a Chinese buffet.  He must then “maintain a consistent course of meals throughout the footballing calendar.”

FIFA say it is imperative “the meals contain essential carbohydrates, fats and proteins to ensure the Luis Suarez does not become peckish while on the pitch.”

Immediately following the incident, Uruguay coach Oscar Tabarez blasted accusations Luis Suarez had not been properly fed during his team’s world cup campaign.

Tabarez said he had prepared his famous home-made Lahmacun especially for the players, arguing that if it was “good enough for my family to eat” it was good enough for Luis Suarez.

Liverpool also issued a statement shortly after news of the ruling emerged.  They accepted FIFA’s decision and reiterated the importance of regular meals.

Chief executive Ian Ayre appears to be backing the player however, with reports suggesting he has ordered his staff to fill up at the local Tesco in time for the coming season.

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Grief Clinics Set To Stay Open For England World Cup Matches


ENGLAND – David Cameron has overruled the Home Office and ordered a review to ensure that grief clinic opening hours can be extended for England’s World Cup matches.

Tens of millions of fans watched England’s opening game in the 2010 World Cup, making it a highly lucrative event for grief clinics across the country.

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English FA Urge FIFA To Move Qatar 2022 World Cup To 1966


ENGLAND – The FA have called on FIFA to “seriously consider” moving the Qatar World Cup to the summer of 1966.

A spokesman confirmed the organisation’s stance after several countries have voiced their willingness to see the 2022 tournament moved.

There is now growing pressure to move to the sixties amid concerns England won’t win it if it was played at any other time.

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UN Deploy Hawk Eye To Determine Whether Syria Has Crossed the Line


SYRIA – The United Nations has chosen to use Hawk-Eye technology in Syria in order to determine when the Assad regime crosses the line in it’s crackdown on rebel forces.

The British based Hawk Eye – already used in tennis, cricket and football – will now also be deployed in the Middle East to determine the exact moment a Syria crosses the line to within a millisecond of chemical weapons being used.

If successful, the system could be rolled out to future sites of violent crackdowns.

Long overdue

Despite multiple reports of chemical weapons use, the U.S. remain unsure whether the Syrian Government has indeed crossed the line, prompting the use of Hawk Eye in the current conflict.

The UN began exploring the possibility of using similar technology during Darfur and then Secretary General, Kofi Annan, has been a long standing proponent.

“War crimes are fundamentally a simple occurrence in the merciless suppression of civil unrest.  So, when one is committed, and we have the ability through technology to definitively know whether the transgressor crossed the line we should absolutely use it,” he said speak in last week.

However, there has been push back against the use of technologies with some countries fearing the use of Hawk Eye like systems would take the human element out of causing human suffering.

“It is all about those discussions moments after a regime may or may not have used chemical weapons on its own people,” said a Russian delegate.  “Uncertainty is part of the drama, no?”

China have also voiced concerns, suggesting having to check Hawk Eye would “slow down the pace at which a country’s civil war descends into utter and irreversible chaos.”

‘War will remain the same’

UN officials have stressed the technology would only be used to determine whether war crimes had been committed, not lesser atrocities such as the shelling of homes.

Addressing concerns, inventor Paul Hawkins added: “It will not slow a civil war down.  In under a second we will provide the information, then afterwards we will show a replay that will definitively prove whether one side or the other has committed unspeakable crimes against humanity.”

Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon welcomed the introduction of the technology as “momentous” and reminded delegates that when it came to knowing whether a violently oppressive dictatorship hell-bent on crushing any opposition to total rule, “we have to know the moment that dictatorship crosses the line.”

“It’s as simple as that.”

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Traces of Horsemeat Found in Premier League Footballer


ENGLAND – The horsemeat scandal took an unexpected turn this weekend after traces of horsemeat were found in players of British football clubs.

The first and as of yet only complaint in this fresh scandal was made by Liverpool’s Luis Suarez moments after sampling some of Branislav Ivanovic right arm.

Suarez made an official complaint to the Food Standards Agency.

Ongoing controversy

The Uruguayan was quick to express his disgust after the match: “When I released my teeth from his arm I could taste some horsemeat for sure.”

“Called me crazy, but  when I bite into another player I expect human meat.”

The shocking discovery threatens to pull the entire Premier League into turmoil and players have been urged not to take bites out of their fellow professionals until the situation was resolved.

“Until we can guarantee that when you bite into an opposition player, that player is 100% human meat, we’re not taking any chances,” said a cautious Sir Dave Richards, Premier League Chairman.

Early indications suggest there could be as much as 5% horsemeat in the arms of Premier League footballers.  A disturbing stat that was nonetheless played down by Sir Richards.

“When you’ve got players from all over the world it can be difficult,” he suggested.  “There are players from France, Spain, and yes the Ukraine.  Pinning down where this horsemeat entered the system is going to be very difficult.”

Suarez also revealed that the entire incident has put him off eating other footballers in future.

“The next time I’m feeling I need something to nibble on and the closest player is a Chelsea player I will think twice, yes of course.”

Following the comments made by Suarez, Chelsea chairman Bruce Buck asserted that this was an isolated incident and assert the club players were 100% human except for defender John Terry who the club admitted was a unique mix of excrement and human meat like substitute.

Health warning

Food Minister David Heath slammed the Premier League for what he called “falling standards” and recommended Suarez stick to the arms of British footballers in future.

“There must be confidence in the arms that are bitten into on the field of play,” he said.

“That’s why my advice to Luis Suarez id to stock to British sources of arm meat.  Your Rooneys or Gerrards and the like.”

With Liverpool’s next game against Newcastle however, MR Heath confessed finding a good source of British meat could be difficult.

“Maybe the best solution is to not bite into any other players at all.”

“He should think about that.”

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Pope Benedict Admits God No Longer Answering His Phone Calls


VATICAN – Pope Benedict XVI has admitted for the first time that God has not been returning his calls as often as He used to since leaving his post at the Vatican.

The former head of the Catholic Church revealed as many as eight calls to God in the past week alone have gone unanswered.

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Benitez Gains Support of Fans After Sleeping With Wayne Bridge’s Missus


LONDON – Rafa Benitez has endeared himself to fans after announcing he had slept with Wayne Bridge’s missus prior to the club’s Champions League exit.

The new Chelsea manager, who has face much hostility since his appointment looks to have turned a corner in his turbulent relationship with the Stamford Bridge faithful.

Many believe the one night stand with an ex-Chelsea player’s partner proved he did have the ability to become a success at Chelsea.

‘This is a fact’

The former Liverpool boss interrupted a press conference to reveal he had returned from the home of Wayne Bridge in the early hours of Wednesday while the player was away with his Brighton team mates.

Wayne bridge has yet to offer comment but the news has instantly changed opinion of the Spaniard, now being hailed as one of the club’s great managers.

Pundits also praised him for taking decisive action to get supporters on his side.

“We could all see the situation getting away from him after those first few games so credit to Benitez for doing something about it,” said sport columnist Martin Samuel.

“The guy was facing so much hate from fans that the only way he could hope to gain any respect was to get the best out of Fernando Torres, or screw over Wayne Bridge.”

“He’s gone for the only option that was even remotely possible.”

True Chelsea legend

It’s thought Benitez’s actions have bought him at least until the end of the current season to turn things around now he has the support of the fans.

If Benitez failed to make improvements on the pitch however, his advisors say he will be able to regain the trust of the fans next in the summer by launching a string of unwarranted racial abuse towards Anton Ferdinand.

Despite a despondent mood surrounding much of the club facing the prospect of an unwanted Europa League campaign, radio talk shows lit up with supportive fans calling for Benitez to be given a chance to succeed.

“Listen.  I was more than sceptical of Rafa when he came in,” admitted season ticket holder Shaun Cross on talkSPORT’s Call Collymore.  “Not only did he fail to win but we lost that fancy flowing football we had just days before.”

“But now I know the Rafa’s gone and done Wayne’s missus I think we should all just take a step back and give the guy a chance.”

He also added: “Chelsea Chelsea!”

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Chelsea Eye Mark Clattenburg As Future Club Captain After Racist Remarks


LONDON – Following allegations of racist comments towards a player, Chelsea insiders suggest the club are “definitely interested” in making Mark Clattenburg a future club captain.

The news comes as the referee is under investigation for “inappropriate language” towards Nigerian midfielder John Obi Mikel during a match again Manchester United.

The alleged use of racially charged language is said to have immediately alerted Chelsea scouts to his potential as club captain.

‘He’s on our radar’

It’s thought Clattenburg could be the ideal candidate to replace current Captain John Terry and Chelsea are expected to make a formal approach for the 37-year-old if he is found guilty of making racial remarks.

Terry, who has less than a year on his contract, has shamed the club for a several years and Chelsea directors are thought to have been on the lookout for another liability to wear the captain’s armband.

If the allegations prove true, it would show Mark Clattenburg “has the ability to lead this club from one FA hearing to another for years to come” according to club officials.

Though Clattenburg is yet to be charged, the club like what they think he said so far but will await confirmation of guilt before approaching the him over a future role at the club.

Chelsea’s legal advisors think Clattenburg’s potential to make a player feel uncomfortable due to the colour of his skin puts him at the top of potential candidates to replace John Terry.

“No one is expecting John to continue offending other football players at the highest level forever,” said club chairman Bruce Buck.  “Even Michael Richards will have to call it a day at some point.”

Playing it cool

Although Mr Buck did not officially confirm interest in Clattenburg, he did say Chelsea are “always on the on lookout for the next generation of men that can spout hate speech and should someone demonstrate that talent in high profile matches then we would certainly look at that.”

However, the club may want to move quickly to secure the services of Clattenburg to avoid a third-party like the BNP or Liverpool coming in for him.

When asked for comment on their interest, the club remain coy.

“We will await the results of the FA investigation has been concluded before deciding our next steps,” said Bruce Buck.

“The last things we want to do is have this club embroiled in an improper situation.”

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Terry Retires From International Team To Spend More Time Philandering


ENGLAND – John Terry has announced his decision to retire from international football in order to prolong his domestic philandering career.

The former England Captain has already told those close to him that the demands of sleeping with fellow professional’s wives and girlfriends internationally as well as in domestic leagues was becoming too much for the defender.

By retiring from international football, he will be able to spend a lot more time with other people’s family when the England team is away on duty.

Burnt out

Terry played 78 games in central defence for England, but those who played alongside him maintain his best position was “next to your missus when you weren’t home.”

In a statement released Sunday, Terry said: “This is not a decision I have made lightly, but after much consideration I will discontinue abusing the trust of players on an international level in order to continue bringing them pain and suffering domestically for many years to come.”

He also attributed his retirement partly to the intense scrutiny of international football which made his position an untrustworthy individual “untenable”.

“With all the different nationalities he would have faced in the build up to the World Cup there was no way I could have kept up the pace insulting everyone to my usual high standard while still having the energy to sleep around back home.  I’m just not as young as I used to be.”

“I would like to thank the great people who have allowed me to become the man I am today.  That includes Wayne Bridge for being out of the house that one time and Anton for being black enough for me to feel the need to point it out to him.”

Bright future

With Terry stepping down, many of England’s top players are left wondering who will now stab them in the back or make them feel like a second class citizen without their talismanic ex-captain.

“John’s presence will definitely be missed,” admitted winger Theo Walcott.  “It’s only been a day since he retired from the team and I already feel safer bringing my girlfriend to the next team get together.”

However, the Chelsea star reiterated that he was not retiring completely and promised he would remain the same guy you’re afraid to leave your wife alone with.

“When you player for a big club like Chelsea there are so many players to screw over.  Have you seen Hazard’s missus?”

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Bank of England Use Fifa Ranking Formula to Show Economy Growing at 98%


UNITED KINGDOM – The Bank of England has increased its growth forecast from 0.8% to approximately 98% since employing the same formula Fifa uses to rank international football teams.

Bank economists are hopeful the same logic defying calculations that resulted in England being named the world’s third best footballing nation can help boost the fortunes of the British economy.

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