ENGLAND – The horsemeat scandal took an unexpected turn this weekend after traces of horsemeat were found in players of British football clubs.

The first and as of yet only complaint in this fresh scandal was made by Liverpool’s Luis Suarez moments after sampling some of Branislav Ivanovic right arm.

Suarez made an official complaint to the Food Standards Agency.

Ongoing controversy

The Uruguayan was quick to express his disgust after the match: “When I released my teeth from his arm I could taste some horsemeat for sure.”

“Called me crazy, but  when I bite into another player I expect human meat.”

The shocking discovery threatens to pull the entire Premier League into turmoil and players have been urged not to take bites out of their fellow professionals until the situation was resolved.

“Until we can guarantee that when you bite into an opposition player, that player is 100% human meat, we’re not taking any chances,” said a cautious Sir Dave Richards, Premier League Chairman.

Early indications suggest there could be as much as 5% horsemeat in the arms of Premier League footballers.  A disturbing stat that was nonetheless played down by Sir Richards.

“When you’ve got players from all over the world it can be difficult,” he suggested.  “There are players from France, Spain, and yes the Ukraine.  Pinning down where this horsemeat entered the system is going to be very difficult.”

Suarez also revealed that the entire incident has put him off eating other footballers in future.

“The next time I’m feeling I need something to nibble on and the closest player is a Chelsea player I will think twice, yes of course.”

Following the comments made by Suarez, Chelsea chairman Bruce Buck asserted that this was an isolated incident and assert the club players were 100% human except for defender John Terry who the club admitted was a unique mix of excrement and human meat like substitute.

Health warning

Food Minister David Heath slammed the Premier League for what he called “falling standards” and recommended Suarez stick to the arms of British footballers in future.

“There must be confidence in the arms that are bitten into on the field of play,” he said.

“That’s why my advice to Luis Suarez id to stock to British sources of arm meat.  Your Rooneys or Gerrards and the like.”

With Liverpool’s next game against Newcastle however, MR Heath confessed finding a good source of British meat could be difficult.

“Maybe the best solution is to not bite into any other players at all.”

“He should think about that.”

VATICAN – Pope Benedict XVI has admitted for the first time that God has not been returning his calls as often as He used to since leaving his post at the Vatican.

The former head of the Catholic Church revealed as many as eight calls to God in the past week alone have gone unanswered.

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LONDON – Rafa Benitez has endeared himself to fans after announcing he had slept with Wayne Bridge’s missus prior to the club’s Champions League exit.

The new Chelsea manager, who has face much hostility since his appointment looks to have turned a corner in his turbulent relationship with the Stamford Bridge faithful.

Many believe the one night stand with an ex-Chelsea player’s partner proved he did have the ability to become a success at Chelsea.

‘This is a fact’

The former Liverpool boss interrupted a press conference to reveal he had returned from the home of Wayne Bridge in the early hours of Wednesday while the player was away with his Brighton team mates.

Wayne bridge has yet to offer comment but the news has instantly changed opinion of the Spaniard, now being hailed as one of the club’s great managers.

Pundits also praised him for taking decisive action to get supporters on his side.

“We could all see the situation getting away from him after those first few games so credit to Benitez for doing something about it,” said sport columnist Martin Samuel.

“The guy was facing so much hate from fans that the only way he could hope to gain any respect was to get the best out of Fernando Torres, or screw over Wayne Bridge.”

“He’s gone for the only option that was even remotely possible.”

True Chelsea legend

It’s thought Benitez’s actions have bought him at least until the end of the current season to turn things around now he has the support of the fans.

If Benitez failed to make improvements on the pitch however, his advisors say he will be able to regain the trust of the fans next in the summer by launching a string of unwarranted racial abuse towards Anton Ferdinand.

Despite a despondent mood surrounding much of the club facing the prospect of an unwanted Europa League campaign, radio talk shows lit up with supportive fans calling for Benitez to be given a chance to succeed.

“Listen.  I was more than sceptical of Rafa when he came in,” admitted season ticket holder Shaun Cross on talkSPORT’s Call Collymore.  “Not only did he fail to win but we lost that fancy flowing football we had just days before.”

“But now I know the Rafa’s gone and done Wayne’s missus I think we should all just take a step back and give the guy a chance.”

He also added: “Chelsea Chelsea!”

LONDON – Following allegations of racist comments towards a player, Chelsea insiders suggest the club are “definitely interested” in making Mark Clattenburg a future club captain.

The news comes as the referee is under investigation for “inappropriate language” towards Nigerian midfielder John Obi Mikel during a match again Manchester United.

The alleged use of racially charged language is said to have immediately alerted Chelsea scouts to his potential as club captain.

‘He’s on our radar’

It’s thought Clattenburg could be the ideal candidate to replace current Captain John Terry and Chelsea are expected to make a formal approach for the 37-year-old if he is found guilty of making racial remarks.

Terry, who has less than a year on his contract, has shamed the club for a several years and Chelsea directors are thought to have been on the lookout for another liability to wear the captain’s armband.

If the allegations prove true, it would show Mark Clattenburg “has the ability to lead this club from one FA hearing to another for years to come” according to club officials.

Though Clattenburg is yet to be charged, the club like what they think he said so far but will await confirmation of guilt before approaching the him over a future role at the club.

Chelsea’s legal advisors think Clattenburg’s potential to make a player feel uncomfortable due to the colour of his skin puts him at the top of potential candidates to replace John Terry.

“No one is expecting John to continue offending other football players at the highest level forever,” said club chairman Bruce Buck.  “Even Michael Richards will have to call it a day at some point.”

Playing it cool

Although Mr Buck did not officially confirm interest in Clattenburg, he did say Chelsea are “always on the on lookout for the next generation of men that can spout hate speech and should someone demonstrate that talent in high profile matches then we would certainly look at that.”

However, the club may want to move quickly to secure the services of Clattenburg to avoid a third-party like the BNP or Liverpool coming in for him.

When asked for comment on their interest, the club remain coy.

“We will await the results of the FA investigation has been concluded before deciding our next steps,” said Bruce Buck.

“The last things we want to do is have this club embroiled in an improper situation.”

ENGLAND – John Terry has announced his decision to retire from international football in order to prolong his domestic philandering career.

The former England Captain has already told those close to him that the demands of sleeping with fellow professional’s wives and girlfriends internationally as well as in domestic leagues was becoming too much for the defender.

By retiring from international football, he will be able to spend a lot more time with other people’s family when the England team is away on duty.

Burnt out

Terry played 78 games in central defence for England, but those who played alongside him maintain his best position was “next to your missus when you weren’t home.”

In a statement released Sunday, Terry said: “This is not a decision I have made lightly, but after much consideration I will discontinue abusing the trust of players on an international level in order to continue bringing them pain and suffering domestically for many years to come.”

He also attributed his retirement partly to the intense scrutiny of international football which made his position an untrustworthy individual “untenable”.

“With all the different nationalities he would have faced in the build up to the World Cup there was no way I could have kept up the pace insulting everyone to my usual high standard while still having the energy to sleep around back home.  I’m just not as young as I used to be.”

“I would like to thank the great people who have allowed me to become the man I am today.  That includes Wayne Bridge for being out of the house that one time and Anton for being black enough for me to feel the need to point it out to him.”

Bright future

With Terry stepping down, many of England’s top players are left wondering who will now stab them in the back or make them feel like a second class citizen without their talismanic ex-captain.

“John’s presence will definitely be missed,” admitted winger Theo Walcott.  “It’s only been a day since he retired from the team and I already feel safer bringing my girlfriend to the next team get together.”

However, the Chelsea star reiterated that he was not retiring completely and promised he would remain the same guy you’re afraid to leave your wife alone with.

“When you player for a big club like Chelsea there are so many players to screw over.  Have you seen Hazard’s missus?”

UNITED KINGDOM – The Bank of England has increased its growth forecast from 0.8% to approximately 98% since employing the same formula Fifa uses to rank international football teams.

Bank economists are hopeful the same logic defying calculations that resulted in England being named the world’s third best footballing nation can help boost the fortunes of the British economy.

The drastic leap in economic outlook was also affected by Fifa suggesting the Bank of England devalue the need for money in a functional economy.

Boom times are back

Governor Mervyn King claimed the data, based on the same formula football’s world governing body use to rank football teams, showed the country had climbed above both China and the United States of America to become the number one ranked economy in the world.

“The big picture is that output’s been flat for two years, and has continually disappointed expectations of a recovery,” he told reporters.  “But this new Fifa formula shows we’re above China in terms of gross domestic product.”

Chancellor George Osborne also backed the use of the new formula which suggests the UK economy will almost double growth every year.

“If we look at what’s actually happening, we’re in a spiralling state of economic downturn the likes of which we won’t be escaping any time soon.”

“However, with this new formula in place we’re now considered the best economy in the world with 98% growth so how bad can it be?”

Indeed, countries previously thought to be in dire state of financial meltdown have also moved up in economic rankings.

According to the Fifa based system, Greece, Italy and Ireland have all moved up to fourth, fifth and sixth best economies ahead of Germany who fell to tenth.

‘The system is credible’

Bank of England insiders rejected claims that the new system was flawed, denying it consisted of the same procedure used to select six lottery balls on a Saturday evening.

Mervyn King himself remained adamant it could be relied on to provide an accurate representation of reality.

“Might I remind you that the formula is based on the same one used to decide Fifa’s football rankings and we know how accurate that has been over the years.”

“And if England can be knocked out of a major tournament at the earliest stage and still be considered one of the top three teams in the world, then it’s not a stretch to believe our economy is getting better.”

UNITED KINGDOM – The following is a letter sent by John Terry in the wake of being found  not guilty of a racially aggravated public order offence.

Dear coloured people,

As I write this, I am making my way to Anton Ferdinand’s house to celebrate my recent victory in court before he gets home.

My name is John Terry.  It’s highly probable you know me as the chances are I have personally screwed you over or caused massive distress in your life.  I also play football from time to time.

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ECUADOR – Following a postmortem on Lonesome George, experts have concluded England’s slow and plodding football was the cause of death of the world’s last giant tortoise.

Park officials said the tortoise, who witnessed all 110 minutes of the Euro 2012 quarter-final, was found dead in his corral by his keeper of 40 years, Fausto Llerena who was found asleep with his eyes open.

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UKRAINE – The football administrations of Russia and Poland have been forced to apologise to extremist groups over an unfortunate breakout of football during mass street brawls this week.

Violent clashes between rival supporters were tragically halted when the respective football teams charged onto the field of play and engaged in an organised sporting contest.

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ENGLAND – Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish is confident his side can build on their Carling Cup triumph and bring more second tier trophies back to Anfield.

In his second spell as manager of the Mersyside club, Dalglish said victory in a competition other Premier League clubs wrote off in the third round would give his players a taste for winning trophies no one else bothers with.

The the 60-year-old Scot told reporters: “I’m confident this will be the beginning of a long line of medals we pick up because other teams couldn’t be arsed.”

‘This means so much to us, really’

Football pundits lined up to congratulate Liverpool’s victory.  Journalist Henry Winter suggested “this was as good as when they won the community shield against…well I don’t actually remember when it was or who they played or what the score ended up being, but I’m sure it meant something to Liverpool.”

Dalglish was jubilant following the dramatic win: “I think the players have got the bit between their teeth now and are hungry for more days like this: picking up silverware that Championship teams would kill for.”

“Right at the beginning, when we went to Exeter City in the second round, we said we wanted to treat the competition with respect,” said Dalglish, “because in all honesty we were never going to finish in the top four with this squad.”

Match of the Day host Gary Lineker echoed the congratulatory mood: “Just look at the joy on the player’s faces…you’d think they’d never won a trophy before.  Hats off to them.”

Aiming high

Liverpool’s American owner John Henry backed the club’s pursuit of cups that were third or fourth priority to the nation’s top clubs.

Henry said he was proud to see his investment pay off with “what is the equivalent of the World Series in the States…right?  Right?!”

The Liverpool manager believed the club could now “kick on” and go for the Europa League next year “in our pursuit of more meaningless trophies.”

“Although we have won something today, that is not us finished.  Today it’s the Carling Cup.  Tomorrow it could be the Johnstones Paint Trophy,” claimed a proud Dalglish.

“The atmospheric layer just below the sky is now the limit at this football club.”