Tag Archive | "football"

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Arsene Wenger: “Mugabe Should Have Got More Time”

EMIRATES, LONDON – Arsenal Manager Arsene Wenger is reported to be “very surprised indeed” to see Robert Mugabe willingly resign from his role as dictator.

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Lee Nelson Throws Money At Sepp Blatter, Awarded 2026 World Cup

ZURICH – Lee Nelson has been awarded the 2026 World Cup moments after throwing banknotes over FIFA President Sepp Blatter during a press conference.

The fictitious character illegally gained entry to the FIFA headquarters in Zurich and showered a seated Blatter with substantial amounts of cash.

Sepp Blatter’s decision to award Nelson the 2026 World Cup is said to have been made “before the last note hit the floor”.

Credible candidate

The press conference was delayed by 10 minutes while FIFA officials scooped up the money and counted it before ratifying the decision to appoint Nelson as World Cup host.

Lee Nelson is a surprise winner of host duties as he was not considered a candidate until throwing money at Sepp Blatter.

Many have credited the move to launch money directly at Blatter’s person as the “tipping point” in the bidding process.

The comedic character has beaten the challenge of strong bids from USA, Uruguay plus a joint bid from two briefcases packed with small unmarked bills.

Lee Nelson will become the first comedic personality to host the 32 team competition. Blatter said he was confident Nelson would deliver a “fantastic World Cup experience” despite not being an internationally recognised country.

While other bids “could point to meticulous planning over many years to build presentations demonstrating their ability to run a world-class sporting tournament,” observers admitted Lee Nelson “ultimately had a better understanding of the audience he was pitching to.”

Due diligence

The still FIFA president praised the fictional character for the “strength of his bid”. Blatter expressed his desire to see football’s greatest showcase held in the “new home of football, the actual home of Mr Nelson.”

However, the decision has come under fire by those within the sport. Chief among concerns is whether Nelson’s two bedroom semi-detached home with north facing garden could accommodate 22 players and expected crowds of 50 to 60 thousand.

FIFA say they have already begun negotiations with the Hamiltons in number 37 and the Guptas in 41 to expand capacity by using neighbouring gardens.

“Of course there will be challenges,” admitted Blatter, addressing criticisms over limited capacity at the single venue. “But we can make this work.”

He went on to add: “nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred…one million.”

“We will make it work. For the good of football.”

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Human Remains “Men Who Forgot Valentine’s Day” Say Crossrail

UNITED KINGDOM – New Crossrail-led research has identified a burial site containing the bones of over 5000 men who completely forgot it was Valentine’s Day today.

Known as Bedlam burial ground, the site is being investigated in preparation for the Crossrail station complex at Liverpool Street.

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FIFA Order Luis Suarez To Be Properly Fed Before Matches

BRAZIL – FIFA’s independent disciplinary committee have officially ordered Luis Suarez to eat three square meals a day after biting Giorgio Chiellini.

The incident occurred during Tuesday’s World Cup game with Italy where Suarez attempted to take a bite out of an opposing player, causing football’s governing body to “act fast” and ensure he is “properly fed before entering the field of play”.

Luis Suarez has also been handed £65,000 in Subway vouchers and will undergo mandatory training to learn why cannibalism is bad.

Hunger strikes

The 27-year-old had now been found guilty of biting three opponents in his career, prompting concerns no one was feeding him.

This represent the biggest food related controversy in world football since the 1987 FIFA investigation to determine who ate all the pies.

FIFA were praised for decisive action in the aftermath of the incident having also issued a warning for players to stay as clear of Suarez as the English defence did in São Paulo.

“This is not the first time this kind of biting has occurred and we must now take decisive action,” Claudio Sulser, chairman of the FIFA disciplinary committee, said in a statement.

“While we support players getting the required nutrition to ensure they remain competitive during matches, this organisation does not believe said nutrition should come from the flesh of a fellow player.”

“Even if that player is as annoying as Chiellini.”

Meal ticket

Suarez’s first meal could be at a local Brazilian restaurant before he is flown back to his home club for a Chinese buffet.  He must then “maintain a consistent course of meals throughout the footballing calendar.”

FIFA say it is imperative “the meals contain essential carbohydrates, fats and proteins to ensure the Luis Suarez does not become peckish while on the pitch.”

Immediately following the incident, Uruguay coach Oscar Tabarez blasted accusations Luis Suarez had not been properly fed during his team’s world cup campaign.

Tabarez said he had prepared his famous home-made Lahmacun especially for the players, arguing that if it was “good enough for my family to eat” it was good enough for Luis Suarez.

Liverpool also issued a statement shortly after news of the ruling emerged.  They accepted FIFA’s decision and reiterated the importance of regular meals.

Chief executive Ian Ayre appears to be backing the player however, with reports suggesting he has ordered his staff to fill up at the local Tesco in time for the coming season.

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Grief Clinics Set To Stay Open For England World Cup Matches

ENGLAND – David Cameron has overruled the Home Office and ordered a review to ensure that grief clinic opening hours can be extended for England’s World Cup matches.

Tens of millions of fans watched England’s opening game in the 2010 World Cup, making it a highly lucrative event for grief clinics across the country.

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English FA Urge FIFA To Move Qatar 2022 World Cup To 1966

ENGLAND – The FA have called on FIFA to “seriously consider” moving the Qatar World Cup to the summer of 1966.

A spokesman confirmed the organisation’s stance after several countries have voiced their willingness to see the 2022 tournament moved.

There is now growing pressure to move to the sixties amid concerns England won’t win it if it was played at any other time.

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UN Deploy Hawk Eye To Determine Whether Syria Has Crossed the Line

SYRIA – The United Nations has chosen to use Hawk-Eye technology in Syria in order to determine when the Assad regime crosses the line in it’s crackdown on rebel forces.

The British based Hawk Eye – already used in tennis, cricket and football – will now also be deployed in the Middle East to determine the exact moment a Syria crosses the line to within a millisecond of chemical weapons being used.

If successful, the system could be rolled out to future sites of violent crackdowns.

Long overdue

Despite multiple reports of chemical weapons use, the U.S. remain unsure whether the Syrian Government has indeed crossed the line, prompting the use of Hawk Eye in the current conflict.

The UN began exploring the possibility of using similar technology during Darfur and then Secretary General, Kofi Annan, has been a long standing proponent.

“War crimes are fundamentally a simple occurrence in the merciless suppression of civil unrest.  So, when one is committed, and we have the ability through technology to definitively know whether the transgressor crossed the line we should absolutely use it,” he said speak in last week.

However, there has been push back against the use of technologies with some countries fearing the use of Hawk Eye like systems would take the human element out of causing human suffering.

“It is all about those discussions moments after a regime may or may not have used chemical weapons on its own people,” said a Russian delegate.  “Uncertainty is part of the drama, no?”

China have also voiced concerns, suggesting having to check Hawk Eye would “slow down the pace at which a country’s civil war descends into utter and irreversible chaos.”

‘War will remain the same’

UN officials have stressed the technology would only be used to determine whether war crimes had been committed, not lesser atrocities such as the shelling of homes.

Addressing concerns, inventor Paul Hawkins added: “It will not slow a civil war down.  In under a second we will provide the information, then afterwards we will show a replay that will definitively prove whether one side or the other has committed unspeakable crimes against humanity.”

Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon welcomed the introduction of the technology as “momentous” and reminded delegates that when it came to knowing whether a violently oppressive dictatorship hell-bent on crushing any opposition to total rule, “we have to know the moment that dictatorship crosses the line.”

“It’s as simple as that.”

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Traces of Horsemeat Found in Premier League Footballer

ENGLAND – The horsemeat scandal took an unexpected turn this weekend after traces of horsemeat were found in players of British football clubs.

The first and as of yet only complaint in this fresh scandal was made by Liverpool’s Luis Suarez moments after sampling some of Branislav Ivanovic right arm.

Suarez made an official complaint to the Food Standards Agency.

Ongoing controversy

The Uruguayan was quick to express his disgust after the match: “When I released my teeth from his arm I could taste some horsemeat for sure.”

“Called me crazy, but  when I bite into another player I expect human meat.”

The shocking discovery threatens to pull the entire Premier League into turmoil and players have been urged not to take bites out of their fellow professionals until the situation was resolved.

“Until we can guarantee that when you bite into an opposition player, that player is 100% human meat, we’re not taking any chances,” said a cautious Sir Dave Richards, Premier League Chairman.

Early indications suggest there could be as much as 5% horsemeat in the arms of Premier League footballers.  A disturbing stat that was nonetheless played down by Sir Richards.

“When you’ve got players from all over the world it can be difficult,” he suggested.  “There are players from France, Spain, and yes the Ukraine.  Pinning down where this horsemeat entered the system is going to be very difficult.”

Suarez also revealed that the entire incident has put him off eating other footballers in future.

“The next time I’m feeling I need something to nibble on and the closest player is a Chelsea player I will think twice, yes of course.”

Following the comments made by Suarez, Chelsea chairman Bruce Buck asserted that this was an isolated incident and assert the club players were 100% human except for defender John Terry who the club admitted was a unique mix of excrement and human meat like substitute.

Health warning

Food Minister David Heath slammed the Premier League for what he called “falling standards” and recommended Suarez stick to the arms of British footballers in future.

“There must be confidence in the arms that are bitten into on the field of play,” he said.

“That’s why my advice to Luis Suarez id to stock to British sources of arm meat.  Your Rooneys or Gerrards and the like.”

With Liverpool’s next game against Newcastle however, MR Heath confessed finding a good source of British meat could be difficult.

“Maybe the best solution is to not bite into any other players at all.”

“He should think about that.”

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Pope Benedict Admits God No Longer Answering His Phone Calls

VATICAN – Pope Benedict XVI has admitted for the first time that God has not been returning his calls as often as He used to since leaving his post at the Vatican.

The former head of the Catholic Church revealed as many as eight calls to God in the past week alone have gone unanswered.

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Benitez Gains Support of Fans After Sleeping With Wayne Bridge’s Missus

LONDON – Rafa Benitez has endeared himself to fans after announcing he had slept with Wayne Bridge’s missus prior to the club’s Champions League exit.

The new Chelsea manager, who has face much hostility since his appointment looks to have turned a corner in his turbulent relationship with the Stamford Bridge faithful.

Many believe the one night stand with an ex-Chelsea player’s partner proved he did have the ability to become a success at Chelsea.

‘This is a fact’

The former Liverpool boss interrupted a press conference to reveal he had returned from the home of Wayne Bridge in the early hours of Wednesday while the player was away with his Brighton team mates.

Wayne bridge has yet to offer comment but the news has instantly changed opinion of the Spaniard, now being hailed as one of the club’s great managers.

Pundits also praised him for taking decisive action to get supporters on his side.

“We could all see the situation getting away from him after those first few games so credit to Benitez for doing something about it,” said sport columnist Martin Samuel.

“The guy was facing so much hate from fans that the only way he could hope to gain any respect was to get the best out of Fernando Torres, or screw over Wayne Bridge.”

“He’s gone for the only option that was even remotely possible.”

True Chelsea legend

It’s thought Benitez’s actions have bought him at least until the end of the current season to turn things around now he has the support of the fans.

If Benitez failed to make improvements on the pitch however, his advisors say he will be able to regain the trust of the fans next in the summer by launching a string of unwarranted racial abuse towards Anton Ferdinand.

Despite a despondent mood surrounding much of the club facing the prospect of an unwanted Europa League campaign, radio talk shows lit up with supportive fans calling for Benitez to be given a chance to succeed.

“Listen.  I was more than sceptical of Rafa when he came in,” admitted season ticket holder Shaun Cross on talkSPORT’s Call Collymore.  “Not only did he fail to win but we lost that fancy flowing football we had just days before.”

“But now I know the Rafa’s gone and done Wayne’s missus I think we should all just take a step back and give the guy a chance.”

He also added: “Chelsea Chelsea!”

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