Tag Archive | "florida"

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White House: Media Not Reporting Smurf Village Massacre


WASHINGTON DC – Donald Trump has lashed out at the “dishonest media” for continuing to underreport serious incidents of terror, citing the Smurf Village Massacre as the latest example of journalistic negligence.

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Barack Obama Gives Predator Drone To Every Audience Member In Debate


FLORIDA – The third presidential debate saw a stunning surprise as Barack Obama announced every single audience member would be getting their own predator drone to take home.

In what was the biggest surprise of the campaign so far, President Obama gave all in attendance a box, suggesting whoever had a remote guidance system would get a Predator drone.  The Lynn  University crowd went ballistic when they quickly realised everyone was getting a Predator drone.

The shocking reveal came in response to a moderator question over the president’s policy on drone attacks.

Dreams do come true

With many expecting the issue to be overlooked entirely, onlookers were genuinely surprised when Bob Schieffer turned the subject of the debate to the secretive practise of unmanned and indiscriminate bombing of civilian areas between Afghanistan and Pakistan.

But they were even more surprised when the president asked them to look under their seats.

“Look Bob,” Mr Obama began in his response.  “We’ve been using drones successfully to take out al-Qaeda operative who would do us harm.”

The president continued: “…What I’m trying to say is, I think if everyone in the audience takes a peek under their seat they’ll find the answer to that particular question.”

As people felt underneath the lecture room seating they discovered mysterious boxes.

“Now I want you to hold your box but don’t open them,” Obama said with a knowing smile.

After calling for a drum roll the president instructed the audience to “open up those boxes and see what you’ve got in there.”

It was at that point the crowd realised every box had controls to an MQ-1 Predator drone and in front of an audience of eligible voters, the president ecstatically cried “You get a drone.  You get a drone.  Youuuu get a drone!”

“Everybody gets a drone.  Everybody gets a Predator drone!”

‘Is this the wildest thing ever or what?’

“This is so freaking cool!” Cried on tearful audience member.  “I never had a drone before. Obama is the man!”

President Obama told the audience they were free to use the drones “as you see fit,” adding: “There’s no need to tell anyone what you do with them,” as “heck, we don’t tell you anything.”

Another voter said they would be putting their drone to use right away in clearing the lines at the next Macy’s sale.

“I hope that answers your question Bob,” finished the president as the fever pitch finally died down.

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Florida in Storm Alert As Republican Convention Hits


FLORIDA – Locals are being told to “prepare for the worst” on the back of news the Republican National Convention taking place in Florida is continuing to gather speed.

The large gathering of conservatives is thought to hit the state which is already experiencing the first effects: a reduction in racial diversity and a warm front of hostility towards Mexicans.

Officials have issued multiple warnings in what could be the highest outpouring of hot air to sweep across Tampa since the ill-fated Zeppelin disaster of 1908.

Advance warning

The first day has been quiet but experts are expecting the situation to take a turn for the worst once Mitt Romney is formally nominated as presidential candidate.

Residents in the path of the Republican gathering have been told they should not “tempt fate” and evacuate the area “unless you’re a white male under the age of 65”.

The function is currently classed as a category two convention, but could be upgraded to a category four when vice presidential pick Paul Ryan outlines his plans for the national budget on Wednesday.

Damage from the convention could be severe enough to send the surrounding backwards 400 years.

“Right now we’ve only heard the usual talk about tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans,” said meteorologist Mitch Connell.

“But when this area of debate moves into cutting welfare and immigration policy, that’s when we’ll see the full force of the convention bear down on Tampa.”

“It’s not going to be pretty,” he warned before urging poor people, ethnic minority and women considering travelling to the area to cancel their plans “for their own safety”.

Safety first

In preparation for an increase in rhetoric, residents have begun boarding windows, taping down contraception and laying down sandbags in efforts to keep out the torrent of mindless Fox News coverage.

“My team are monitoring for an upswing in seventeenth century ideology,” confirmed Mr Connell.  “There is millions worth of equipment set to raise the alarm if it detects 10 or more instances of the phrases ‘Regan’, ‘small government’ and ‘Obamacare in a five minute period.”

“We’re taking all the necessary precautions.”

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Florida Police Release List of Approved Attire For Black People


ORLANDO – Following the fatal shooting of an innocent black teenager, police in Florida have compiled a list of clothing considered acceptable for young black men to be seen wearing around white people.

The two page document provides young African-Americans with a list of clothes considered acceptable to be seen wearing should they wish to avoid being gunned down by neighbourhood watch volunteers.

Dubbed the “Fashion Whitelist”, the scheme has been initiated in reaction to the shooting of Trayvon Martin while sporting what is now known to be the faux pas combination of hooded sweatshirt and dark face.

Clarification

The author of the document, Florida police chief Bill Lee, compiled the list shortly after temporarily stepping down from his position.

Mr Lee said the incident was “one tragedy too many and the department needed to take necessary steps to let all black people know what to wear when in white neighbourhoods.”

He also made clear that wearing clothing not on the approved list “would leave African-American men with no legal recourse should they be subsequently be hunted down like Bugs Bunny during wabbit season.”

According to high-ranking police officials, the shooting of Treyvon Martin could have been avoided had the 17-year-old known that hoodies were not on the list which has been approved by over 90% of gun carrying Caucasians.

Weighing in on the debate, Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi suggested that if black people could not avoid wearing a hoodie, “they should take extra precautions by make sure they were accompanied by a white person.”

A spokesman for the Attorney General’s office said it was no understatement to suggest lives will be saved with this information.

Better late than never

Although the list has existed for several years, this is the first time it has been officially documented and published outside of the country club.

“We hope that with the publication of this information, African-Americans will now understand that there are just some fashion items you can wear and expect not to get shot,” said Mr Lee.

One of the list’s backers, Geraldo Rivera, called the information necessary for the preservation of young African-Americans.  In the view of the Fox News Reporter: “If I see a black kid in a hoodie, I have to assume that he is up to no good.”

“Just like when people see me in a suit and tie on TV they have to assume I’m a legitimate reporter.”

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