Tag Archive | "England"

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FIFA Order Luis Suarez To Be Properly Fed Before Matches

BRAZIL – FIFA’s independent disciplinary committee have officially ordered Luis Suarez to eat three square meals a day after biting Giorgio Chiellini.

The incident occurred during Tuesday’s World Cup game with Italy where Suarez attempted to take a bite out of an opposing player, causing football’s governing body to “act fast” and ensure he is “properly fed before entering the field of play”.

Luis Suarez has also been handed £65,000 in Subway vouchers and will undergo mandatory training to learn why cannibalism is bad.

Hunger strikes

The 27-year-old had now been found guilty of biting three opponents in his career, prompting concerns no one was feeding him.

This represent the biggest food related controversy in world football since the 1987 FIFA investigation to determine who ate all the pies.

FIFA were praised for decisive action in the aftermath of the incident having also issued a warning for players to stay as clear of Suarez as the English defence did in São Paulo.

“This is not the first time this kind of biting has occurred and we must now take decisive action,” Claudio Sulser, chairman of the FIFA disciplinary committee, said in a statement.

“While we support players getting the required nutrition to ensure they remain competitive during matches, this organisation does not believe said nutrition should come from the flesh of a fellow player.”

“Even if that player is as annoying as Chiellini.”

Meal ticket

Suarez’s first meal could be at a local Brazilian restaurant before he is flown back to his home club for a Chinese buffet.  He must then “maintain a consistent course of meals throughout the footballing calendar.”

FIFA say it is imperative “the meals contain essential carbohydrates, fats and proteins to ensure the Luis Suarez does not become peckish while on the pitch.”

Immediately following the incident, Uruguay coach Oscar Tabarez blasted accusations Luis Suarez had not been properly fed during his team’s world cup campaign.

Tabarez said he had prepared his famous home-made Lahmacun especially for the players, arguing that if it was “good enough for my family to eat” it was good enough for Luis Suarez.

Liverpool also issued a statement shortly after news of the ruling emerged.  They accepted FIFA’s decision and reiterated the importance of regular meals.

Chief executive Ian Ayre appears to be backing the player however, with reports suggesting he has ordered his staff to fill up at the local Tesco in time for the coming season.

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Grief Clinics Set To Stay Open For England World Cup Matches

ENGLAND – David Cameron has overruled the Home Office and ordered a review to ensure that grief clinic opening hours can be extended for England’s World Cup matches.

Tens of millions of fans watched England’s opening game in the 2010 World Cup, making it a highly lucrative event for grief clinics across the country.

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England To Practise With World Cup Ball Now “As We Won’t See It During Tournament”

ENGLAND – England have made plans to train with the new World Cup Ball after acknowledging they will see very little of it during the competition.

Unveiled this week, the Adidas Brazuca ball could be the most unfamiliar to an England team since they failed to qualify for the 1994 World Cup.

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OfQual Outline Plans To Replace GCSEs With Hunger Games

UNITED KINGDOM – Education Secretary Michael Gove says GCSEs will be “more challenging” after a radical shake-up will see the current system replaced with a nationwide televised battle to the death.

After ditching plans for an English Baccalaureate certificate, Michael Gove continued calls for a more rigorous system that would abolish modules and axe coursework in favour of giving student axes.

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English FA Urge FIFA To Move Qatar 2022 World Cup To 1966

ENGLAND – The FA have called on FIFA to “seriously consider” moving the Qatar World Cup to the summer of 1966.

A spokesman confirmed the organisation’s stance after several countries have voiced their willingness to see the 2022 tournament moved.

There is now growing pressure to move to the sixties amid concerns England won’t win it if it was played at any other time.

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Traces of Horsemeat Found in Premier League Footballer

ENGLAND – The horsemeat scandal took an unexpected turn this weekend after traces of horsemeat were found in players of British football clubs.

The first and as of yet only complaint in this fresh scandal was made by Liverpool’s Luis Suarez moments after sampling some of Branislav Ivanovic right arm.

Suarez made an official complaint to the Food Standards Agency.

Ongoing controversy

The Uruguayan was quick to express his disgust after the match: “When I released my teeth from his arm I could taste some horsemeat for sure.”

“Called me crazy, but  when I bite into another player I expect human meat.”

The shocking discovery threatens to pull the entire Premier League into turmoil and players have been urged not to take bites out of their fellow professionals until the situation was resolved.

“Until we can guarantee that when you bite into an opposition player, that player is 100% human meat, we’re not taking any chances,” said a cautious Sir Dave Richards, Premier League Chairman.

Early indications suggest there could be as much as 5% horsemeat in the arms of Premier League footballers.  A disturbing stat that was nonetheless played down by Sir Richards.

“When you’ve got players from all over the world it can be difficult,” he suggested.  “There are players from France, Spain, and yes the Ukraine.  Pinning down where this horsemeat entered the system is going to be very difficult.”

Suarez also revealed that the entire incident has put him off eating other footballers in future.

“The next time I’m feeling I need something to nibble on and the closest player is a Chelsea player I will think twice, yes of course.”

Following the comments made by Suarez, Chelsea chairman Bruce Buck asserted that this was an isolated incident and assert the club players were 100% human except for defender John Terry who the club admitted was a unique mix of excrement and human meat like substitute.

Health warning

Food Minister David Heath slammed the Premier League for what he called “falling standards” and recommended Suarez stick to the arms of British footballers in future.

“There must be confidence in the arms that are bitten into on the field of play,” he said.

“That’s why my advice to Luis Suarez id to stock to British sources of arm meat.  Your Rooneys or Gerrards and the like.”

With Liverpool’s next game against Newcastle however, MR Heath confessed finding a good source of British meat could be difficult.

“Maybe the best solution is to not bite into any other players at all.”

“He should think about that.”

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Attack Submarine Recalled After Targeting George Osborne As National Threat

ENGLAND – The Royal Navy’s £1.2 billion attack submarine has been recalled after mistakenly targeted George Osborne as a threat to the nation following his Autumn Statement.

HMS Astute, which has been plagued with problem in recent years, is thought to have classified the chancellor as an active threat and was moments away from launching an offensive strike.

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Terry Retires From International Team To Spend More Time Philandering

ENGLAND – John Terry has announced his decision to retire from international football in order to prolong his domestic philandering career.

The former England Captain has already told those close to him that the demands of sleeping with fellow professional’s wives and girlfriends internationally as well as in domestic leagues was becoming too much for the defender.

By retiring from international football, he will be able to spend a lot more time with other people’s family when the England team is away on duty.

Burnt out

Terry played 78 games in central defence for England, but those who played alongside him maintain his best position was “next to your missus when you weren’t home.”

In a statement released Sunday, Terry said: “This is not a decision I have made lightly, but after much consideration I will discontinue abusing the trust of players on an international level in order to continue bringing them pain and suffering domestically for many years to come.”

He also attributed his retirement partly to the intense scrutiny of international football which made his position an untrustworthy individual “untenable”.

“With all the different nationalities he would have faced in the build up to the World Cup there was no way I could have kept up the pace insulting everyone to my usual high standard while still having the energy to sleep around back home.  I’m just not as young as I used to be.”

“I would like to thank the great people who have allowed me to become the man I am today.  That includes Wayne Bridge for being out of the house that one time and Anton for being black enough for me to feel the need to point it out to him.”

Bright future

With Terry stepping down, many of England’s top players are left wondering who will now stab them in the back or make them feel like a second class citizen without their talismanic ex-captain.

“John’s presence will definitely be missed,” admitted winger Theo Walcott.  “It’s only been a day since he retired from the team and I already feel safer bringing my girlfriend to the next team get together.”

However, the Chelsea star reiterated that he was not retiring completely and promised he would remain the same guy you’re afraid to leave your wife alone with.

“When you player for a big club like Chelsea there are so many players to screw over.  Have you seen Hazard’s missus?”

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Liverpool Sign Samsung Fridge Freezer As Andy Carroll Replacement

ENGLAND – In a decisive move to prove cover in attack following the departure of Andy Carroll, Liverpool have bought a Samsung model fridge freezer from Currys.

A fee of £1500 was agreed which will be paid in monthly instalments at 0% interest for the first six months and could rise to £2500 if Liverpool opt to take the extended warranty.

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Watching Slow Plodding England Caused Lonesome George’s Death Say Scientists

ECUADOR – Following a postmortem on Lonesome George, experts have concluded England’s slow and plodding football was the cause of death of the world’s last giant tortoise.

Park officials said the tortoise, who witnessed all 110 minutes of the Euro 2012 quarter-final, was found dead in his corral by his keeper of 40 years, Fausto Llerena who was found asleep with his eyes open.

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