Tag Archive | "election"

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Nigel Farage Blasts Immigrant Policy As Saharan Dust Settles In UK


UNITED KINGDOM – Nigel Farage has demanded a tougher immigration policy after large amounts of dust were allowed to migrate from Africa and settle in the UK this week.

The UK Independence Party leader said the coalition’s “soft” immigration policy had opened the door for Saharan dust to enter the UK “without any stringent checks”.

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Mitt Romney Told Number of Poor in US, Quits Presidential Race


MASSACHUSETTS – The battle for president has taken a last minute twist with news that Mitt Romney has dropped out of the race after learning how many poor people actually live in America.

Reports suggest the GOP candidate had not been fully aware of the precise number of Americans living in poverty, a statistic he learned earlier today for the first time.

Staff say Romney was so disgusted by the discovery that he decided it was no longer worth becoming president.

Election bombshell

Sources close to the Romney campaign describe the “5 minutes of madness” that lead to the stunning development when the former Massachusetts governor stormed out of his campaign headquarters muttering “…didn’t work this hard for so many Goddamn moochers” and “Obama can have the damn thing” following a phone call from an anonymous source.

His campaign manager was at a loss to explain was looks like being the most shocking tantrum thrown by a presidential candidate since George Washington was told he had too many slaves.

“I’m just as shocked as you are right now,” admitted a flustered Matt Rhoades.  “One minute Mitt is on the phone asking for support, the next he’s looking like a donkey just dropped its balls in his mouth.”

Mr Rhoades told reporters he heard Romney yell “HOW MANY?” over the noise of the crowded room.

“Before I could ask what happened he’s up off his chair and storms outta here.  Can someone tell me what’s going on?!”

Campaign difficulties

The timing has taken several of his campaign staff by surprised as “we all thought he knew how many poor people there were in the country,” according to campaign assistant Mandy Shepard.

“I just assumed Mitt was ok with it.”

With just hours left in the race Romney’s team face an uphill battle to bring him around to the idea of working this hard for so many impoverished citizens.

In efforts to salvage the campaign Mr Rhoades has called in Romney’s vice presidential running mate to “talk some sense into him”.

Paul Ryan is expected to remind the presidential hopeful that with their economic and health care plans in place there wouldn’t be any poor people to worry about.

“This isn’t a lost cause by any means,” added Mr Rhoade.

“I just hope no one tells him how many black people there are here.”

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Ohio Residents Brace For Approaching Storm of Campaign Ads


OHIO – Residents of Ohio are being told to prepare for a “superstorm” of political campaign advertisement ahead of the 2012 presidential election this week.

With three days until votes are cast, the state is expected to take the brunt of a non stop torrent of political ads after both campaigns decided Ohio is the only state that matters in the race to become president.

Political ads pleading for last-minute support are expected to hit thousands of undecided voters, leaving them even more confused than they were before.

This is not a drill

It’s expected that areas most vulnerable will be ones with televisions and locals have begun taking action against the incoming deluge of broadcast and radio spots, emails, circulars, billboards, and robocalls.

The first ads have already appeared on the nightly news and are making their way to daytime television before gathering in the vicinity of prime time where they will do most damage.

Even experts have been taken by surprised with the ferocity of what they have coined the “superstorm of political bullsh*t”,

Locals are already making plans to evacuate the area to safer non battleground states which are likely to see significantly less political ads.

“All we hear is job creator this and give me more time that,” said Julie Pearlman who did not survive the political storm of 2008 and now expects to vote for an independent candidate.

Reports suggest the grim scenes would be repeated in swing states across the country.

“We’re going to Mississippi until this all dies down,” Mrs Pearlman told reporters.  “Romney has that state wrapped up so it will be a heck of a lot safer.”

State of emergency

The impending storm has been made worse as many residents are with working TVs and so able to view any one of the hundreds of ads are being broadcast daily.

Ohio mayor Michael B. Coleman said at a briefing that unless there was a clear shift in polling numbers, “we’re going to see more campaigning here in the next 48 hours than we’ve seen in the entire year” and called on residents to take precautions when switching channels as “these ads can appear when you least expect them.”

Showing he was taking charge of the situation Coleman promised to working with electricity companies to shut down services to homes until the election was done.

“Rest assured we are looking at every option to keep people of Ohio safe.”

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Mitt Romney Takes on Mitt Romney in Final Presidential Debate


OHIO – In the fourth and final debate of the presidential election, Mitt Romney faced off against his most contrasting ideological opponent of the race: Mitt Romney.

Hailed as the fiercest debate in recent memory the conservative candidate come out “guns blazing” against his more moderate counterpart, clashing over a number of crucial election issues.

The debate highlighted the stark difference in opinion the two have on topics such as health care, immigration, abortion, and which Star Wars Trilogy was better.

Diametrically opposed

Analysts pinned this as “the most important debate for the Romney camp,” noting that “whoever people find most favourable will decide which Mitt Romney goes up against Barack Obama.”

One testy exchange came when Romney derided his debate opponent for ignoring the contributions man had made to rising CO2 emissions.

But Mitt Romney responded with his belief the science was inconclusive and spending trillions to reduce emissions was not the right course for America.

The biggest spark came when discussing healthcare, a subject both men famously disagree on and Mitt Romney wasted no time calling out Mitt Romney for putting in place the model later used as the basis for Obamacare.

“The fact is Governor Romney,” Mitt Romney started, “that when you ran Massachusetts you created the system of mandated health care that has been shoved down the throat of every American and needs to be repealed immediately.”

However, Romney countered the attack and backed his efforts to help ordinary American gain access to basic healthcare – “a fundamental right my opponent would never understand.”

‘Romney came out swinging’

Exit polls suggested Mitt Romney shaded the debate with viewers finding him a more credible candidate than Mitt Romney who at times appeared flustered by the constant attacks from the former Massachusetts governor.

Neither candidate was afraid to make clear they were “two completely separate candidates with two completely separate views on just about everything”, a fact not lost on voters.

“Damn, they couldn’t agree on anything,” described Martin Baxter who entered the debate a firm Mitt Romney supporter, but admitted Mitt Romney “made good counter points” during the debate that left him “seriously consider” switching his support to Mitt Romney.

“I’ve always been Romney guy,” he said.  “But Romney went at him hard, especially on abortion and I found myself drawn to his pro-life stance so now I’m actually thinking Mitt Romney isn’t the candidate for me?”

“Maybe I should be backing Mitt Romney.”

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Barack Obama Gives Predator Drone To Every Audience Member In Debate


FLORIDA – The third presidential debate saw a stunning surprise as Barack Obama announced every single audience member would be getting their own predator drone to take home.

In what was the biggest surprise of the campaign so far, President Obama gave all in attendance a box, suggesting whoever had a remote guidance system would get a Predator drone.  The Lynn  University crowd went ballistic when they quickly realised everyone was getting a Predator drone.

The shocking reveal came in response to a moderator question over the president’s policy on drone attacks.

Dreams do come true

With many expecting the issue to be overlooked entirely, onlookers were genuinely surprised when Bob Schieffer turned the subject of the debate to the secretive practise of unmanned and indiscriminate bombing of civilian areas between Afghanistan and Pakistan.

But they were even more surprised when the president asked them to look under their seats.

“Look Bob,” Mr Obama began in his response.  “We’ve been using drones successfully to take out al-Qaeda operative who would do us harm.”

The president continued: “…What I’m trying to say is, I think if everyone in the audience takes a peek under their seat they’ll find the answer to that particular question.”

As people felt underneath the lecture room seating they discovered mysterious boxes.

“Now I want you to hold your box but don’t open them,” Obama said with a knowing smile.

After calling for a drum roll the president instructed the audience to “open up those boxes and see what you’ve got in there.”

It was at that point the crowd realised every box had controls to an MQ-1 Predator drone and in front of an audience of eligible voters, the president ecstatically cried “You get a drone.  You get a drone.  Youuuu get a drone!”

“Everybody gets a drone.  Everybody gets a Predator drone!”

‘Is this the wildest thing ever or what?’

“This is so freaking cool!” Cried on tearful audience member.  “I never had a drone before. Obama is the man!”

President Obama told the audience they were free to use the drones “as you see fit,” adding: “There’s no need to tell anyone what you do with them,” as “heck, we don’t tell you anything.”

Another voter said they would be putting their drone to use right away in clearing the lines at the next Macy’s sale.

“I hope that answers your question Bob,” finished the president as the fever pitch finally died down.

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President Obama’s Use of Facts, Math May Put Off Voters Say Experts


FLORIDA – Political analysts have warned President Obama’s use of facts and math risks alienating voters and could cost him the 2012 election.

Political commentator and Count Chocula stunt double Charles Krauthammer praised Romney for his tight grip on basic election strategy, leaving things like realistic figures and accurate representation of reality “at the door where they belong”.

The president however, has made a concerted effort to incorporate both in his reelection campaign efforts, a strategy labelled “foolhardy” by many observers.

Liar liar

Pundit and part-time Bond villain James Carville is just one analyst to openly question whether being loose with “numbers ‘n stuff” will backfire on the president, having seen Mitt Romney claw his way back in this election.

“Romney gets it plain and simple.  You saw that first debate,” Carvile said. “He didn’t waste any time saying things that could be traced back to facts.”

“That’s the attitude you need when running for office.”

When questioned, Mitt Romney put his recent bounce in polling down to his strong belief in the separation of words and facts – a belief that Krauthammer believes could see him claim the presidency come November.

Krauthammer offered advice to the Obama campaign ahead of election day, suggesting the president borrow from the former Massachusetts governor and “start telling those huge whoppers he’ll need for those last days of the election.”

“No one’s expecting him to get to the level that Romney is on right now.  He just needs to start with small things.  White lies like “that first debate didn’t go so badly”.

“Or when he talks to  China about the money we owe them, say ‘the check’s in the mail’. Little things like that.”

New strategy

In a surprise move, MSNBC host Chris Matthews agreed with Krauthammer, calling on Barack Obama to “wake up and realise what race he’s in”.

“What’s he doing?! This isn’t exam prep.  This is the race for President of the United States of America – the highest office in the land.  Facts and math have no place here.”

“Maybe on a McDonald’s application form, but not here.”

http://www.mostlylegit.com/2012/10/president-obamas-use-of-facts-math-may-put-off-voters-say-experts/

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Mitt Romney Crushed By Magic 8-Ball in Debate Warm Up


BOSTON – Mitt Romney has suffered a major setback ahead of the presidential debates after a crushing defeat to Magic 8-Ball forced him to call short a warm up debate session.

Facing questions on popular election issues, Romney answered by judging which string of words were most favourable in that given moment, and the Magic 8-Ball answered by being shaken vigorously for five seconds.

Observers say the fortune-telling toy proved much more consistent with its answers.

Tough opponent

This was the first time Mitt Romney had debated against a candidate filled with this much alcoholic substance since Rick Perry, and he looked uncomfortable again as the spherical object began pulling ahead in polling on a range of international and domestic issues.

A focus group of voters said the cold, hollow and inanimate candidate came off far worse than the Magic 8-Ball in many areas.  It went on to trounce the former Massachusetts governor with a string of clear affirmative responses in comparison to Romney’s vague non-answers.

One example came when asked whether he would release his tax returns if elected president.  Mitt Romney could only reply “cannot predict now”.

“You could tell he was struggling up there,”  recalled campaign manager Matt Rhoades who ended the session.  “We had to do something.  He was getting his ass handed to him by Magic 8-Ball.”

News of the pre debate loss is a major setback for and Romney’s campaign managers have already cancelled further warm up sessions against more formidable opponents such as Apple’s Siri.

‘Outlook not so good’

Romney himself remained optimistic, suggesting that while he “wasn’t as eloquent as I could have been,” he could improve on what he saw as his only weakness in his debate performance: answering simple yes-no questions on basic elements of his policies.

However, those who watched the proceedings were less enthusiastic about his chances.

“I felt Magic 8-Ball came across more credible,” explained one participant, Sue Baker, who scored the black and white plastic ball ahead by 11 points before the session was called to an end.

Another onlooker felt the Magic 8-Ball was “more concise, empathetic to human interests and showed a lot of personality on stage in comparison to Romney.”

Texas native Derek Rogers, explained: “It had Romney beat on a lot of the big issues.  I came out of this a big supporter of the vision Magic 8-Ball has for this country.”

“Mitt could really learn from this guy.”

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“Consult Physician If Interest In Debate Lasts More Than Four Hours” Mexicans Told


MEXICO – Millions of Mexican males are being advised to seek medical advice after the appearance of an assistant in a revealing dress led to an interest in politics lasting for more than four hours.

Playboy model Julia Orayen only appeared for 24 seconds of the televised debate, but Mexico’s electoral authority warned it may have been enough to keep men engaged in its outcome for longer than usual.

In a worrying sign, several suffers have claimed her showing may have been enough to hold political interest until the next debate in June.

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Bigots Forced To Decide Which They Hate Less: Black Guy Or Mormon


UNITED STATES – Voters who class themselves as bigots are being forced to face an “impossible choice” in the 2012 presidential elections: choosing between a Mormon and a black guy.

A recent survey of bigots showed up to 80% were afraid they will have to put aside unfounded bias and consider the policy of each candidate to make an informed decision.

The study indicated the dilemma facing bigots during the Presidential election, with many still undecided over which class of person they hated the most.

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Colombian Sex Workers Downgrade US Credit Rating


COLOMBIA – In a shock fiscal move, Colombian sex workers have downgraded the credit rating of the United States after the inability of Secret Service agents to secure required funding to cover a $47 charge.

The downgrade is a major embarrassment for the U.S. and could see the cost of sex services – including basic foreplay – rise significantly for United States citizens travelling to South America.

A source close to the White House confirmed the President has been briefed on the situation and will deliver his response under an assumed identity.

‘That’ll cost you extra’

The unprecedented announcement comes at a time when the U.S. is already struggling with huge debts made worse by the addition of the outstanding $47 bill.

A spokeswoman for the National Association of Colombian Sex Workers, Sindra Morales, made the statement that U.S. would be downgraded from “XXX” to a much less secure “XX”.

Ms Morales said in a statement: “The downgrade reflects our opinion the fiscal irresponsibility of the United States has weakened the expectations that our girls will be paid in full for a job well done.”

“We simply do not view the United States as a reliable investment,” she added before confirming that any “really freaky stuff” would still cost an additional 50% on top of the increased cost of a basic package.

Fears are now rife that the U.S. rating would move closer to junk status, in that the cost of servicing their junk has now gone way up.

Shaky market confidence

This is the first time any agency have downgraded U.S. rating.  The most severe warning was in the 1770s when Benjamin Franklin refused to class reach arounds a valid sexual act and reneged on a five silver piece payment.

Despite the setback, sex workers in Bangkok have said they had no immediate plans to downgrade their rating.  Analysts also suggested the U.S. still remain an attractive option for hookers.

However, pessimism remains as some experts believe the downgrade will only erode confidence in the largest provider of horny men.

Economic commentator Mark Conner said the United States now needed to show it was good for the cash and maybe even pay up front to re-establish confidence among the world sex markets in what could become the biggest issue in the run up to November’s election.

“There’s no doubt this is a serious blow,” said Mr Conner, “and not the good kind either.”

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