Tag Archive | "downing street"

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Grief Clinics Set To Stay Open For England World Cup Matches


ENGLAND – David Cameron has overruled the Home Office and ordered a review to ensure that grief clinic opening hours can be extended for England’s World Cup matches.

Tens of millions of fans watched England’s opening game in the 2010 World Cup, making it a highly lucrative event for grief clinics across the country.

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Nick Clegg Joins West Ham on Season Long Loan


UNITED KINGDOM – A surprise deadline day transfer has seen Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg leave the coalition government and sign for West Ham United on a season long loan.

The deal, said to be worth nothing, will see the Liberal Democrat leader join the Hammers after a disappointing two years at Downing Street.

His exit brings an end to a hectic day of deadline day transfers made by Prime Minister David Cameron in a bid to reshuffle his struggling cabinet.

Wheeling and Dealing

In addition to the transfer of Jeremy Hunt to health Secretary and Baroness Warsi to Foreign Office Minister, Mr Cameron has also brought in Michael Owen on a pay as you play contract.  A deal similar to the one the PM has with many conservative donors.

Owen, a free agent since being released by Manchester United, said he looked forward to joining Parliament where he would be able to sit on a back bench for long periods of time.

But it’s the departure of Nick Clegg from west to east London that has caught the majority of the headlines.

Clegg signed for the coalition in 2012 on what has since been described as a “crazy day” in the General Election that saw him join the government in a five year deal.

However, he could not cement his place in Westminster after failing to live up to his pre-election promise and has since fallen down the pecking order behind George Osborne, Samantha Cameron, Rupert Murdoch and Daughter Nancy Cameron when it comes to making effective government policy decisions.

“Nick understood that chances here would be few and far between if he stayed,” explained David Cameron.  “I would have made sure of it.”

Fresh start

Privately it’s understood Clegg’s preference was to stay with the coalition and fight for his place, but George Osborne made clear “we can no longer afford to keep him on the bench,” blaming the recession and slow Eurozone growth.

This morning, Clegg said: I’m the same as any politician who got massively lucky and found himself in an unexplained position of power.  I want to be setting policy week in week out.”

“Unfortunately the gaffer said my chances would be limited here, especially with the arrival of Nancy.  That happens and I have to accept it.  That’s government.”

West Ham manager Sam Allardyce was thrilled with his new arrival who he believes will improve his team’s chances of a top ten finish.

“Cleggy’s just the kind of person we need.  He has European experience and his ability to hold the line with no support is second to none.”

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David Cameron Accidentally Leaves Nick Clegg in Downing Street


ENGLAND – David Cameron has issued a public apology after leaving Nick Clegg alone in Downing Street, and technically in charge of the country, for almost 15 minutes.

Mr Cameron is reported to have “nipped off to the shops” with Chancellor George Osborne when they realised Mr Clegg was not with them.

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Leveson Inquiry: Sideshow Bob Questioned Over Phone Hacking


ENGLAND – Ex News International executive and professional clown Sideshow Bob is the latest individual to be called up to the Leveson inquiry surrounding ethics in journalism.

Real name Robert Underdunk Terwilliger, the former aide to Krusty the Clown has come under intense scrutiny over his role in the  News of the World phone hacking scandal.

It is not yet known who if any other characters from the Simpsons are involved in the ongoing investigation into News Corp activities.

‘BY LUCIFER’S BEARD!’

Sideshow Bob has twice been arrested by authorities investigating allegations of phone hacking, corrupt payments to public officials, and repeated attempts to kill Bart Simpson.

In each occasion he was bailed and has not been charged.

Early into proceedings, the committee heard details pf Sideshow Bob’s contact with the Prime Minister after the Yale graduate resigned from his role as chief executive of Rupert Murdoch’s British newspaper subsidiary following the scandal.

He said the message from David Cameron was “along the lines” of “keep your hair up”.

Sideshow Bob also received sympathetic messages from senior figures in 10 and 11 Downing Street, the Home Office, the Foreign Office and Springfield Mayor Joe Quimby.

However, he will not be questioned on any information that could prejudice outside trials related to his schemes to blow up then wife Selma Bouvier, or an alleged plot to detonate a nuclear device.

On his relationship with News Corp executive chairman Rupert Murdoch, Sideshow Bob said “on the big issues we had similar views” but they disagreed over issues including the environment, immigration and whether or not Bart Simpson should be allowed to live.

Probing questions

He said he spoke to Mr Murdoch “very frequently” but denied reports they went swimming together, arguing that the very notion was “preposterous” as he avoided getting his hair wet due to “quite horrific” consequences.

Displaying a combative streak, he sparred with the inquiry’s lead counsel, Robert Jay, often claiming that “this trial demeans you and I both, Mr Jay.”

He also suggested he suffered more criticism and gossip about his relationship with Rupert Murdoch because he had been a clown’s sidekick.

Sideshow Bob continues to deny any knowledge of phone hacking on his watch.

Meanwhile, the Leveson Inquiry witness list for next week has been published and includes appearances from brother Cecil and former co-worker Sideshow Mel.

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Murdoch: “I Was Too Busy Influencing Politics To Notice Phone Hacking”


ENGLAND – Rupert Murdoch has admitted there was a cover up of phone hacking, but claimed he was too busy influencing the political landscape in the UK to possibly notice it.

The News Corp boss said shaping politics to his liking had left him unable to keep track of specific journalist activities.

“I had my hands full using my paper to turn public opinion against that damned Brown fella,” said Murdoch who testified to the Leveson inquiry that there were only so many morally repugnant acts he was capable of in a day.

Busy elsewhere

The former owner of the News of the World conducted most of the interview in the shade, avoiding the light due to an unspecified skin condition.

An aide to Rupert Murdoch appeared to back the Australian’s claims that providing a consistent conservative narrative while giving favourable political coverage for increased influence in politics did take up the majority of his time and energy.

“Do you know how bloody difficult it is to get those toffs in Downing Street in one place for a meal where we can talk about what political favour I need from them this time – it’s bloody expensive too.”

Proving his innocence, Murdoch – who temporarily left the inquiry to feed on innocent souls – said it was all he could do to keep politicians under his thumb, and getting involved with another legally grey activity was beyond him at his age.

“Crikey!  I’m not bleeding God,” he cried at one stage of the inquiry before requesting the room temperature be turned up so his blood could absorb additional heat.

Sworn testimony

At the end of his seven hours of evidence to the inquiry,  Murdoch decline the offer to be driven home and instead chose to disappear in a puff of black smoke.

In other developments, the 81-year-old said:

  • He was surprised by the £425,000 settlement to Professional Footballers’ Association chief executive Gordon Taylor over hacking as “I normally make a live sacrifice to make problems like that go away.”
  • He spent millions of dollars investigating journalist activities, namely why they were unable to find out if Simon Cowell was gay or not.
  • He does not tell his employees to promote his TV channels as “everyone already pays me for Sky so what would be the bloody point.”

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UN Peace Plan Calls For Assad To Be Given Nick Clegg’s Job


DAMASCUS – Arab foreign ministers have backed Kofi Annan’s plan to see Bashar al-Assad removed from power by accepting Nick Clegg’s job in the coalition government.

The proposal would see Assad become David Cameron’s deputy; allowing the Syrian president to remain a governmental position while removing any political power that could be to make an impact in his country.

Drafted by the former Secretary-General, he told the UN Security Council the proposal had been modelled on the last two years of the Liberal Democrat leader’s time inside the coalition government.

Nullification

Mr Annan explained that seeing Nick Clegg reduced to a virtual bystander in government operations provided the blueprint for a draft agreement aimed at diminishing the Assad regime’s power over the Syrian people.

On a day in which further explosions could be heard from the captial, the former Secretary-Genera stressed: “To bring an end to the suffering, Assad must have his ability to influence government to all intents and purposes neutered like a dog.”

The international resolution includes demands for a ceasefire, the immediate withdrawal of artillery from residential areas and the acceptance that he Syrian leader will be treated with the same respect as a five-year-old at a Mensa debate.

It is uncertain at this point whether the deal will be accepted by Assad himself  as it is understood he has self-esteem and may be unwilling to serve in such a deputy position.

With pressure mounting, the Assad government is said to be seeking clarifications including whether the dictator would physically need to have his spine removed as part of the deal.

Transition of power

Speaking from Downing Street, British Prime Minister David Cameron backed the plan as an “excellent strategy for bringing an end to Bashar al-Assad’s political influence,” and confirmed he did not really “give a toss” who was deputy as he would be ignoring them anyway.

The Conservative leader promised that “as my number two, I would ensure Assad could do no further damage to anything other than his reputation.”

Mr Annan said an agreement would be an “important initial step” to bringing an end to the violence, and described how Mr Assad must implement the plan by forgoing his integrity and reducing his power to the equivalent of a 60 watt light bulb.

UN members privately hoped that the reduction of power would pave the way for Assad and his allies to be completely disposed in the next General Election.

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David Cameron’s Economic Outlook: “Actually, Britain Can’t Afford 2012″


UNITED KINGDOM – Despite being less than 24 hours into the New Year, David Cameron has declared Britain can no longer afford to stay in 2012 and will return to the year 2011 “for the foreseeable future”.

The Prime Minister made the announcement to members of parliament on New Years Day, explaining the government did not have the budget required to make it through the year and will instead continue to relive 2011 “until the economy picks up sufficiently to begin 2013.”

It’s understood Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was not consulted at any stage of the decision-making progress.

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UK and China Agree To £1.4bn Cheap Crap Deal


DOWNING STREET – The UK and Chinese governments have announced a record £1.4 billion trade deal that will see an increase in the flow of counterfeit goods and cheap crap into Britain.

The deal, announced during premier Wen Jiabao’s recent visit to Britain, will see the China continue taking British jobs and in turn will ratchet up it’s ability to mass produce imitation brand goods – pushing increasing amounts of fake handbags, fake watches and fakes electronic to the UK shores over the next 5 years.

Fast-growing China is the world’s largest creator of cheap crap and the UK represents one of it’s biggest customers.

Circle of shelf life

In a joint conference held outside of Downing Street, both leaders hailed the deal as imperative to their respective economies.

“This is a landmark moment,” boasted Mr Cameron. “Both side come out true winners.  China get our jobs and we get the latest in products hazardous to humans months before anyone else has a chance to raise a health scare over them.”

Jiabao said about working with the British economy: “We should deepen mutual understanding through communication, increase mutual trust through dialogue and expand common ground through these knock-off Gucci handbags.”

The deal was also praised by shady street vendors whose business will surely boom on the news that will also affect others including Gucci, Rolex, and Apple.

“Whatever you use we make cheap knock-off,” beamed Wen Jiabao who offered a gift of counterfeit DVDs to David Cameron to seal the deal.

Insider sources also revealed that Mr Cameron had tried to offer Nick Clegg as part of the trade deal, but was refused as China claimed they already had an abundance of useless crap lying around.

Made in China

Public service workers were also positive on following the landmark agreement.

“Hey sometimes you can’t afford that Luis Vitton bag, not on this government cheque,”  said civil servant David Patterson. “My wife won’t know the difference anyway.”

Mr Wen, who is on a three-day visit to the UK, has already said he can’t wait to offload more poor quality merchandising on UK shores.

“I am very very happy with deal,” he said.  “We make too much crap so we give to you for good price.  Good deal.”

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George Osborne Unviels £100 Billion in Unmarked Bills


UNITED KINGDOM – British Chancellor George Osborne has stunned financial experts as he delivered the 2011 budget by pulling an estimated £100 billion in unmarked bills from his famed Budget Box.

Casting his second budget since becoming chancellor, he said the government would move from a model of “rescue to reform,” and from “reform to making it rain.”

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Colonel Gaddafi Calls On Nick Clegg To Quit


DOWNING STREET – Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi has joined mounting international pressure calling for Nick Clegg to step down peacefully from his position as deputy prime minister before more ‘wanton ineffectiveness’ is spilled in the streets.

Nicknamed the ‘Dead Weight’ of the government, a loophole in democracy saw Nick Clegg complete an unlikely coup, rising from election loser to powerless co-leader overnight.

However, 2010 saw mass protests across many English territories as enraged demonstrators demanded he pay for his crimes of political impotence.  The eclectic leader said yesterday: “I can blame Bin Laden for the mess I’m in.  What the hell is his excuse?”

Colonel Gaddafi has been backed by leading international figures including United States President Barack Obama, who admitted that he also wasn’t sure what the purpose of Nick Clegg was.  This after German Chancellor Angela Merkel confessed she had mistaken him for the help during her last visit to Downing Street.

‘Disconnected from reality’

The gravity of the situation is perhaps most starkly reflected in Clegg’s belief that his plan for voting reform will be taken seriously – further evidence of a man that is “way off the deep end,” according to Gaddafi.

Sanctions have been passed by the UN to increase pressure on Clegg, with measures ranging from avoiding his phone calls and automatically deleting his emails, to establishing a ‘no talk’ zone in his vicinity.  Prime Minister David Cameron expressed his hope that “Nick would get the message soon enough.”

There could also be humanitarian intervention – a sit down with the Lib Dem leader to have a ‘frank and honest’ talk explaining that he is no longer serving any worthwhile purpose and should seriously consider packing it in.

Time to go

Additionally, military intervention has not been ruled out unless he could “demonstrate the value that he claimed to bring to the coalition in the very near future.”

Mr Cameron has already stated that while the situation was unfortunate, he wouldn’t stand in the way if someone where to ‘get rid’ of Nick Clegg.

Speaking via a translator, holding a bowling ball while wearing a multi-coloured clown wig, Gaddafi said:  “I have heard Clegg speak a number of times and I think he has lost his mind.  He is a man who has clearly lost grip on reality and is no longer able to acknowledge the facts around him.  Everyday he stays against the will of the people, he loses more dignity and respect .”

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