UNITED KINGDOM – A surprise deadline day transfer has seen Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg leave the coalition government and sign for West Ham United on a season long loan.

The deal, said to be worth nothing, will see the Liberal Democrat leader join the Hammers after a disappointing two years at Downing Street.

His exit brings an end to a hectic day of deadline day transfers made by Prime Minister David Cameron in a bid to reshuffle his struggling cabinet.

Wheeling and Dealing

In addition to the transfer of Jeremy Hunt to health Secretary and Baroness Warsi to Foreign Office Minister, Mr Cameron has also brought in Michael Owen on a pay as you play contract.  A deal similar to the one the PM has with many conservative donors.

Owen, a free agent since being released by Manchester United, said he looked forward to joining Parliament where he would be able to sit on a back bench for long periods of time.

But it’s the departure of Nick Clegg from west to east London that has caught the majority of the headlines.

Clegg signed for the coalition in 2012 on what has since been described as a “crazy day” in the General Election that saw him join the government in a five year deal.

However, he could not cement his place in Westminster after failing to live up to his pre-election promise and has since fallen down the pecking order behind George Osborne, Samantha Cameron, Rupert Murdoch and Daughter Nancy Cameron when it comes to making effective government policy decisions.

“Nick understood that chances here would be few and far between if he stayed,” explained David Cameron.  “I would have made sure of it.”

Fresh start

Privately it’s understood Clegg’s preference was to stay with the coalition and fight for his place, but George Osborne made clear “we can no longer afford to keep him on the bench,” blaming the recession and slow Eurozone growth.

This morning, Clegg said: I’m the same as any politician who got massively lucky and found himself in an unexplained position of power.  I want to be setting policy week in week out.”

“Unfortunately the gaffer said my chances would be limited here, especially with the arrival of Nancy.  That happens and I have to accept it.  That’s government.”

West Ham manager Sam Allardyce was thrilled with his new arrival who he believes will improve his team’s chances of a top ten finish.

“Cleggy’s just the kind of person we need.  He has European experience and his ability to hold the line with no support is second to none.”

ENGLAND – David Cameron has issued a public apology after leaving Nick Clegg alone in Downing Street, and technically in charge of the country, for almost 15 minutes.

Mr Cameron is reported to have “nipped off to the shops” with Chancellor George Osborne when they realised Mr Clegg was not with them.

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ENGLAND – Ex News International executive and professional clown Sideshow Bob is the latest individual to be called up to the Leveson inquiry surrounding ethics in journalism.

Real name Robert Underdunk Terwilliger, the former aide to Krusty the Clown has come under intense scrutiny over his role in the  News of the World phone hacking scandal.

It is not yet known who if any other characters from the Simpsons are involved in the ongoing investigation into News Corp activities.

‘BY LUCIFER’S BEARD!’

Sideshow Bob has twice been arrested by authorities investigating allegations of phone hacking, corrupt payments to public officials, and repeated attempts to kill Bart Simpson.

In each occasion he was bailed and has not been charged.

Early into proceedings, the committee heard details pf Sideshow Bob’s contact with the Prime Minister after the Yale graduate resigned from his role as chief executive of Rupert Murdoch’s British newspaper subsidiary following the scandal.

He said the message from David Cameron was “along the lines” of “keep your hair up”.

Sideshow Bob also received sympathetic messages from senior figures in 10 and 11 Downing Street, the Home Office, the Foreign Office and Springfield Mayor Joe Quimby.

However, he will not be questioned on any information that could prejudice outside trials related to his schemes to blow up then wife Selma Bouvier, or an alleged plot to detonate a nuclear device.

On his relationship with News Corp executive chairman Rupert Murdoch, Sideshow Bob said “on the big issues we had similar views” but they disagreed over issues including the environment, immigration and whether or not Bart Simpson should be allowed to live.

Probing questions

He said he spoke to Mr Murdoch “very frequently” but denied reports they went swimming together, arguing that the very notion was “preposterous” as he avoided getting his hair wet due to “quite horrific” consequences.

Displaying a combative streak, he sparred with the inquiry’s lead counsel, Robert Jay, often claiming that “this trial demeans you and I both, Mr Jay.”

He also suggested he suffered more criticism and gossip about his relationship with Rupert Murdoch because he had been a clown’s sidekick.

Sideshow Bob continues to deny any knowledge of phone hacking on his watch.

Meanwhile, the Leveson Inquiry witness list for next week has been published and includes appearances from brother Cecil and former co-worker Sideshow Mel.

ENGLAND – Rupert Murdoch has admitted there was a cover up of phone hacking, but claimed he was too busy influencing the political landscape in the UK to possibly notice it.

The News Corp boss said shaping politics to his liking had left him unable to keep track of specific journalist activities.

“I had my hands full using my paper to turn public opinion against that damned Brown fella,” said Murdoch who testified to the Leveson inquiry that there were only so many morally repugnant acts he was capable of in a day.

Busy elsewhere

The former owner of the News of the World conducted most of the interview in the shade, avoiding the light due to an unspecified skin condition.

An aide to Rupert Murdoch appeared to back the Australian’s claims that providing a consistent conservative narrative while giving favourable political coverage for increased influence in politics did take up the majority of his time and energy.

“Do you know how bloody difficult it is to get those toffs in Downing Street in one place for a meal where we can talk about what political favour I need from them this time – it’s bloody expensive too.”

Proving his innocence, Murdoch – who temporarily left the inquiry to feed on innocent souls – said it was all he could do to keep politicians under his thumb, and getting involved with another legally grey activity was beyond him at his age.

“Crikey!  I’m not bleeding God,” he cried at one stage of the inquiry before requesting the room temperature be turned up so his blood could absorb additional heat.

Sworn testimony

At the end of his seven hours of evidence to the inquiry,  Murdoch decline the offer to be driven home and instead chose to disappear in a puff of black smoke.

In other developments, the 81-year-old said:

• He was surprised by the £425,000 settlement to Professional Footballers’ Association chief executive Gordon Taylor over hacking as “I normally make a live sacrifice to make problems like that go away.”
• He spent millions of dollars investigating journalist activities, namely why they were unable to find out if Simon Cowell was gay or not.
• He does not tell his employees to promote his TV channels as “everyone already pays me for Sky so what would be the bloody point.”

DAMASCUS – Arab foreign ministers have backed Kofi Annan’s plan to see Bashar al-Assad removed from power by accepting Nick Clegg’s job in the coalition government.

The proposal would see Assad become David Cameron’s deputy; allowing the Syrian president to remain a governmental position while removing any political power that could be to make an impact in his country.

Drafted by the former Secretary-General, he told the UN Security Council the proposal had been modelled on the last two years of the Liberal Democrat leader’s time inside the coalition government.

Nullification

Mr Annan explained that seeing Nick Clegg reduced to a virtual bystander in government operations provided the blueprint for a draft agreement aimed at diminishing the Assad regime’s power over the Syrian people.

On a day in which further explosions could be heard from the captial, the former Secretary-Genera stressed: “To bring an end to the suffering, Assad must have his ability to influence government to all intents and purposes neutered like a dog.”

The international resolution includes demands for a ceasefire, the immediate withdrawal of artillery from residential areas and the acceptance that he Syrian leader will be treated with the same respect as a five-year-old at a Mensa debate.

It is uncertain at this point whether the deal will be accepted by Assad himself  as it is understood he has self-esteem and may be unwilling to serve in such a deputy position.

With pressure mounting, the Assad government is said to be seeking clarifications including whether the dictator would physically need to have his spine removed as part of the deal.

Transition of power

Speaking from Downing Street, British Prime Minister David Cameron backed the plan as an “excellent strategy for bringing an end to Bashar al-Assad’s political influence,” and confirmed he did not really “give a toss” who was deputy as he would be ignoring them anyway.

The Conservative leader promised that “as my number two, I would ensure Assad could do no further damage to anything other than his reputation.”

Mr Annan said an agreement would be an “important initial step” to bringing an end to the violence, and described how Mr Assad must implement the plan by forgoing his integrity and reducing his power to the equivalent of a 60 watt light bulb.

UN members privately hoped that the reduction of power would pave the way for Assad and his allies to be completely disposed in the next General Election.

UNITED KINGDOM – Despite being less than 24 hours into the New Year, David Cameron has declared Britain can no longer afford to stay in 2012 and will return to the year 2011 “for the foreseeable future”.

The Prime Minister made the announcement to members of parliament on New Years Day, explaining the government did not have the budget required to make it through the year and will instead continue to relive 2011 “until the economy picks up sufficiently to begin 2013.”

It’s understood Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was not consulted at any stage of the decision-making progress.

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DOWNING STREET – The UK and Chinese governments have announced a record £1.4 billion trade deal that will see an increase in the flow of counterfeit goods and cheap crap into Britain.

The deal, announced during premier Wen Jiabao’s recent visit to Britain, will see the China continue taking British jobs and in turn will ratchet up it’s ability to mass produce imitation brand goods – pushing increasing amounts of fake handbags, fake watches and fakes electronic to the UK shores over the next 5 years.

Fast-growing China is the world’s largest creator of cheap crap and the UK represents one of it’s biggest customers.

Circle of shelf life

In a joint conference held outside of Downing Street, both leaders hailed the deal as imperative to their respective economies.

“This is a landmark moment,” boasted Mr Cameron. “Both side come out true winners.  China get our jobs and we get the latest in products hazardous to humans months before anyone else has a chance to raise a health scare over them.”

Jiabao said about working with the British economy: “We should deepen mutual understanding through communication, increase mutual trust through dialogue and expand common ground through these knock-off Gucci handbags.”

The deal was also praised by shady street vendors whose business will surely boom on the news that will also affect others including Gucci, Rolex, and Apple.

“Whatever you use we make cheap knock-off,” beamed Wen Jiabao who offered a gift of counterfeit DVDs to David Cameron to seal the deal.

Insider sources also revealed that Mr Cameron had tried to offer Nick Clegg as part of the trade deal, but was refused as China claimed they already had an abundance of useless crap lying around.

Made in China

Public service workers were also positive on following the landmark agreement.

“Hey sometimes you can’t afford that Luis Vitton bag, not on this government cheque,”  said civil servant David Patterson. “My wife won’t know the difference anyway.”

Mr Wen, who is on a three-day visit to the UK, has already said he can’t wait to offload more poor quality merchandising on UK shores.

“I am very very happy with deal,” he said.  “We make too much crap so we give to you for good price.  Good deal.”

UNITED KINGDOM – British Chancellor George Osborne has stunned financial experts as he delivered the 2011 budget by pulling an estimated £100 billion in unmarked bills from his famed Budget Box.

Casting his second budget since becoming chancellor, he said the government would move from a model of “rescue to reform and from reform to making it rain.”

The Chancellor told the House of Commons that he was carrying enough money to sustain Charlie Sheen’s coke habit for another year as he vowing to put ‘cash money’ in the pockets of British economy.

In the sort of flourish that could be attributed to an attention starved billionaire, Mr Osborne capped off his speech by throwing handfuls of cash in the air while screaming “money, money, money, moooney!”

The ‘mad money’ budget

He outlined his policy which involved him handing out wads of cash from 11 Downing Street to anyone that wanted it for the next 24 hours, ‘with no strings attached’.

Economists were unsure what to make of the change in fiscal policy which seemed to defy conventional logic, after predicting economic growth in 2011 to be downgraded – this would surely have to be revised after the first in history to be delivered in cold hard cash.

In a boost to first time home buyers, the chancellor explained to the assembled press how he would put a 100% down payment on any house they wanted as long as they called ‘their uncle George ahead of time’.

Instant growth

He then made a mockery of claims the Conservatives would continue cutting public spending by buying every member of the public a trip to Disneyland.

Although he was commended for his ability to squeeze such a large amount of money into such a small space, critics have noted George Osbourne’s failure explain where exactly the money had come from.  Mr Osborne choosing instead to stuff a roll of £50 notes down the shirt of Labour leader Ed Miliband, suggesting he ‘go get something nice for the missus.’

Continuing to deflect direct questions, he appeared keen to stress that what’s done is done.  “I’ve solved the problem and that’s all you need to know.” he maintained, later adding: “fuggedaboutit.”

DOWNING STREET – Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi has joined mounting international pressure calling for Nick Clegg to step down peacefully from his position as deputy prime minister before more ‘wanton ineffectiveness’ is spilled in the streets.

Nicknamed the ‘Dead Weight’ of the government, a loophole in democracy saw Nick Clegg complete an unlikely coup, rising from election loser to powerless co-leader overnight.

However, 2010 saw mass protests across many English territories as enraged demonstrators demanded he pay for his crimes of political impotence.  The eclectic leader said yesterday: “I can blame Bin Laden for the mess I’m in.  What the hell is his excuse?”

Colonel Gaddafi has been backed by leading international figures including United States President Barack Obama, who admitted that he also wasn’t sure what the purpose of Nick Clegg was.  This after German Chancellor Angela Merkel confessed she had mistaken him for the help during her last visit to Downing Street.

‘Disconnected from reality’

The gravity of the situation is perhaps most starkly reflected in Clegg’s belief that his plan for voting reform will be taken seriously – further evidence of a man that is “way off the deep end,” according to Gaddafi.

Sanctions have been passed by the UN to increase pressure on Clegg, with measures ranging from avoiding his phone calls and automatically deleting his emails, to establishing a ‘no talk’ zone in his vicinity.  Prime Minister David Cameron expressed his hope that “Nick would get the message soon enough.”

There could also be humanitarian intervention – a sit down with the Lib Dem leader to have a ‘frank and honest’ talk explaining that he is no longer serving any worthwhile purpose and should seriously consider packing it in.

Time to go

Additionally, military intervention has not been ruled out unless he could “demonstrate the value that he claimed to bring to the coalition in the very near future.”

Mr Cameron has already stated that while the situation was unfortunate, he wouldn’t stand in the way if someone where to ‘get rid’ of Nick Clegg.

Speaking via a translator, holding a bowling ball while wearing a multi-coloured clown wig, Gaddafi said:  “I have heard Clegg speak a number of times and I think he has lost his mind.  He is a man who has clearly lost grip on reality and is no longer able to acknowledge the facts around him.  Everyday he stays against the will of the people, he loses more dignity and respect .”

LIBYA – The UK government has drawn up plans with America to rescue millions of barrels of oil currently stranded in Libya.  The decision comes on the back of criticism that not enough was being done to see the safe return of Brent crude oil to British shores.

Amidst the political chaos, it’s thought as many as 1.6 million barrels per day could be left without a means of safe travel back to the UK.

PM David Cameron promised not to stop until every drop is safe and accounted for, announcing a specially commissioned fleet to be sent to rescue 50,000 barrels, see how the international market reacted and come back for more if it was required.

Fiasco

Eyewitness report seeing a number of barrels left cold, isolated and away from any water – perfect conditions for the storage of oil, but critics point to the 14 hour wait for a plane to arrive and take them home as ‘a waste of damn good fuel’.

“Let me be clear.  We are taking this matter very seriously,” said Mr Cameron who plans to talk with US President Barack Obama to determine an emergency strategy to evacuate a further 100 million barrels before the price reached ‘really silly’ levels.

Our correspondent visited the country and reported witnessing many ‘disenfranchised’ barrels of crude oil left unattended and looking ‘in desperate need of an internal combustion engine’, but otherwise holding out as well as could be expected.

Some of the oil is still in hard to reach place like still under the ground it was uncertain how they would manage to extract them.

‘This is our priority’

Several thousands of barrels who arrived back in the country on Thursday declined to give comment, surely the most damning indictment of the Foreign Office’s response being described by many as ‘disastrous’.

A lucky few to be rescued from the same off-shore rig yesterday were quickly airlifted to a nearby Tesco petrol station.

But with many barrels still to be brought home at an affordible price, the message from the coalition leader was clear:

“I want to assure those barrels still out there that your country has not forgotten about you and we are making every possible effort to see you on British ships and back on on British land and into British cars.”