Tag Archive | "donald trump"

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White House: Media Not Reporting Smurf Village Massacre

WASHINGTON DC – Donald Trump has lashed out at the “dishonest media” for continuing to underreport serious incidents of terror, citing the Smurf Village Massacre as the latest example of journalistic negligence.

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Donald Trump To Build Wall Around North Pole

NEW YORK – Donald Trump has announced a controversial plan to build a wall around the North Pole in order to keep “the wrong kind of presents from entering America.”

Trump declared that should he become president, he would build a “great great wall” between the North Pole and America to ensure only the “best, most classy presents” arrived under American Christmas trees on December 25th. He also added that Santa Claus would pay for the wall’s construction.

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Mitt Romney Unveils New Campaign Slogan: “It’s Mathematically Impossible To Stop Me Now”

MASSACHUSETTS  – In an effort to boost his bid to clinch the Republican nominee, Mitt Romney has unveiled a new campaign slogan –  “Mitt: It’s Mathematically Impossible to Stop Me Now”.

The presidential hopeful says the inspiring message of statistical inevitability would galvanise supporters and leave remaining voters in no doubt that resistance was futile.

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Barack Obama Officially Endorses Newt Gingrich

WHITE HOUSE – The race for the Republican presidential nominee has been shaken up with news that Barack Obama has strongly endorsed Newt Gingrich as his pick to face Barack Obama in the November election.

Mr Obama was reportedly so please by the results from the southern state he declared: “At this point a vote for Gingrich would feel as good as a vote for me.”

According to former front-runner Donald Trump, the vote of confidence represented the most high-profile endorsement of the campaign since he endorsed himself.

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Comedians Put Pressure On Sarah Palin to Run For President

ALASKA – Former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin has come under increased pressure from comedians to run for president following the shock announcement by Donald Trump to withdraw from the race.

Stand-ups, late night hosts and satirists have already begged Trump to reconsider his decision, but the media mogul has remained steadfast in his decision to spend more time being a joke with his family.

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Donald Trump Demands Bin Laden’s Death Certificate

WASHINGTON DC – White House hopeful Donald Trump has launched an unexpected attack on Osama Bin Laden, demanding he release his long form death certificate to prove he is really dead.

Osama Bin Laden has claimed to be dead for over 72 hours since being killed by US special forces over the weekend.  More than enough time, according to Trump, for him to produce documented evidence of his demise and put the matter to rest.

“He was shot in the head and his body thrown out into the ocean, sure…but who’s seen the death certificate? What’s he waiting for?”

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Donald Trump Hits Back At Rumors Hair Not Made In America

NEW YORK – Donald Trump has hit back at sceptics who have continued to fuel speculation that his hair was not made in America.

Trump, who has indicated he may run for president in 2012, is facing increasing pressure to prove that the head of hair originated in the United States as allegations of Cambodian manufacturing continue to swirl.

Having already denied the latest allegations, the billionaire businessman called the matter ‘ridiculous’ as his hair “is as real as my skin is orange.”

“The only nonsense I want to hear is from the sound of my own voice you understand me?  You’re fired.  Get outta here.”

The property developer and professional Gary Busey tamer also reminded journalists Celebrity Apprentice could be seen on Sundays 9pm on NBC.

Unanswered questions

If his hair is not a natural-made product, Trump will not be qualified to be president under the Constitution which states that all of a candidate must be from the United States.

A recent poll found 11% of Americans believed Donald Trump’s hair was ‘definitely’ made in another country and 16% ‘probably’ manufactured elsewhere. For hair stylists, the numbers were 14% and 27%, respectively.

The latest rumours over Mr Trump’s hairpiece comes as hair dresser Ramone Gomez breathed new life into the ongoing debate by insisting the billionaire businessman is going to great lengths to hide the truth.

“I just did blond hair extensions for one of my regulars so I know what I’m talking about.  No way that’s a natural comb-over.”

Conspiracy theorists known as ‘scalpers’ have long claimed Trump’s hair was made abroad and therefore not eligible to stand as the hairpiece President of the United States.

‘We need to get to the root of this’

The view from political analyst Willie Brown was unequivocal:

“This is absolutely going to be a problem for him in 2012. Everyone will want to know: Where was that toupee made?  Why won’t he show the receipt?  Maybe there’s something on there that he doesn’t want people to know?”

Any presidential campaign is at risk of being derailed by persistent questions as Gomez and other scalpers continue to claim that Trump’s hair was made in Cambodia, despite the convincing effort made to give the impression of real hair.

“If he would simply release a long form receipt then we can clear this issue up once and for all.  But he doesn’t and that has to make you wonder what he’s hiding under there.”

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