Tag Archive | "debt"

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Failing A-Level Students Happy To Avoid £9000 Tuition Fees

ENGLAND – Thousands of below average students are said to be “ecstatic” to have avoided paying £9000 in tuition fees by receiving D grades and below.

Results release day has proved to be a fearful time for high achievers fully aware that anything above a C grade could see them saddled with crippling fees they’ll be paying off for as long as the Liberal Democrats remain political outcasts.

Delighted students celebrated earning grades low enough to stay clear of the chance to come more familiar with debt than a Greek native.

Jubilant scenes

“I’m over the moon,” said Craig Sharp moments after learning of his three D grades.  Despite also receiving an A in English, he was safe in the knowledge he would not have to sell his kidney to make it through university.

“Don’t get me wrong, I got nothing against education…but, I like having two kidneys so I was in a real dilemma.”

Another student put the situation into greater context.

“A lot of these smart kids think they’re so smart and stuff,” suggested Mark Douglas.  “I got an E in maths and even I can see that paying nine grand for a ting that cost three grand the year before ain’t too smart.”

It was not all good news however, while many will be celebrating other faced a scramble to come up with the cash after finding out they received passing grades.

Several students needed to be consoled after the enormity of the bill they will be left with sunk in.

“Three A’s and an A star. I’m gutted,” Jonathan Walters told reporters.  “Nine thousand….I’m lost for words.”

Indeed, cries of “DAMN YOU CLEGG!” could be heard at more than one institution.

‘We dodged a bullet’

Jackie Barton from Colchester celebrated with her family, proud that they would not have to pay to continue their daughter’s education.

“This is fantastic news.  Just fantastic,” cried Mrs Barton as she wiped tears from his eyes.  “Two D grades and an Unclassified.  I couldn’t be more proud of our little darling.”

M Barton was equally glad he could keep his wallet in his pocket.

“There was no way me and the wife were going to shell out that much to get Jackie though a degree.”

He went on to add: “Nine grand a year?  Fu*k that, we want to retire you know.  We’ll teach her at home thank you very much.”

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Colombian Sex Workers Downgrade US Credit Rating

COLOMBIA – In a shock fiscal move, Colombian sex workers have downgraded the credit rating of the United States after the inability of Secret Service agents to secure required funding to cover a $47 charge.

The downgrade is a major embarrassment for the U.S. and could see the cost of sex services – including basic foreplay – rise significantly for United States citizens travelling to South America.

A source close to the White House confirmed the President has been briefed on the situation and will deliver his response under an assumed identity.

‘That’ll cost you extra’

The unprecedented announcement comes at a time when the U.S. is already struggling with huge debts made worse by the addition of the outstanding $47 bill.

A spokeswoman for the National Association of Colombian Sex Workers, Sindra Morales, made the statement that U.S. would be downgraded from “XXX” to a much less secure “XX”.

Ms Morales said in a statement: “The downgrade reflects our opinion the fiscal irresponsibility of the United States has weakened the expectations that our girls will be paid in full for a job well done.”

“We simply do not view the United States as a reliable investment,” she added before confirming that any “really freaky stuff” would still cost an additional 50% on top of the increased cost of a basic package.

Fears are now rife that the U.S. rating would move closer to junk status, in that the cost of servicing their junk has now gone way up.

Shaky market confidence

This is the first time any agency have downgraded U.S. rating.  The most severe warning was in the 1770s when Benjamin Franklin refused to class reach arounds a valid sexual act and reneged on a five silver piece payment.

Despite the setback, sex workers in Bangkok have said they had no immediate plans to downgrade their rating.  Analysts also suggested the U.S. still remain an attractive option for hookers.

However, pessimism remains as some experts believe the downgrade will only erode confidence in the largest provider of horny men.

Economic commentator Mark Conner said the United States now needed to show it was good for the cash and maybe even pay up front to re-establish confidence among the world sex markets in what could become the biggest issue in the run up to November’s election.

“There’s no doubt this is a serious blow,” said Mr Conner, “and not the good kind either.”

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Greece Banned From Using Amazon 1-Click Ordering

ATHENS – In a move to tackle uncontrolled levels of national spending, The EU has decided to ban Greece from making purchases through Amazon’s 1-Click ordering.

The move – made in the face Greece’s staggering debt – will force the country to review purchases thoroughly before committing to buying.

Leading economists backed the decision to cut Greece off from Amazon’s expedited ordering system which they had ‘absolutely abused’ while unknowingly racking up unnecessary purchases thought to be worth at least €100 billion.

‘We got carried away’

The European Commission, the European Central Bank and the IMF are due in Athens this week to review Greece’s order history.

“Greece has shown itself incapable of handling the responsibility that comes with 1-Click shopping,” blasted European Commission head Jose Manuel Barroso.

Mr Barroso confirmed Greece will now be restricted to the standard method of ordering so that it would be forced to stop and think “before ordering a dinner plate set it was only going to smash up anyway.”

Showing disgust for a lack of self-control, he continued: “We have all suffered lapses in judgement when we get excited and buy that Britney Spears album when we should know better…but Greece has taken it too far and as a direct result of their compulsive shopping came very close to collapsing the Euro.”

Greece initially requested that Germany underwrites the items still on its wishlist – a request immediately denied by Chancellor Angela Merkel.

Prime Minister George Papandreou admitted there was a serious problem and said the current debt crisis provided stark waning of the dangers of a system that allowed you to make purchases in less time than it takes to say ‘Papandreou’.

“It’s so easy to lose control,” he confessed.  “You see something you like and before you know it, the package is on its way.  We don’t even see the shopping basket…we never had a chance.”

Way too convenient

He added that in retrospect they didn’t need to buy the entire DVD collection of Friends, “but when it’s just a click away there’s no time to think these things through.”

Mr Papandreou was later heard screaming “It’s just too damn easy!”

Italy PM Silvio Berlusconi did offer some sympathy, saying he understood how difficult it was to resist the allure of instant gratification but Greece “seriously needed to control itself in the face of such temptations.”

With 1-Click purchases denied, analysts expect the country to see a budget surplus by 2012.

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China Scolds US For Bringing Home ‘Shameful’ Grades

BEIJING – China has launched an astonishing attack on the United States after it received ‘shameful’ grades in it’s latest credit rating report card.

Despite scraping triple A’s from Moody’s and Fitch and a AAA+ in PE, the AA+ grade means the US has fallen ‘well short’ of Chinese expectations, having failed the economic portion of finals exams.

Expressing their ‘severe disappointment’, largest holder of US treasury bills said it would not tolerate someone they provide ongoing financial support to bring home anything less than straight triple A’s.

They also warned if the grades didn’t pick up fast they would hand out “one hell of a spanking.”

Must do better

A spokesperson for the S&P said the outcome could have been avoided if the US had just studied well ahead of time for the debt ceiling portion of examinations instead of trying to cram meaningful debate on a balanced, growth oriented economic policy the night before.

China are thought to be particularly disappointed over America’s failure considering “we buy everything for them so they can to focus on getting good grades.”

A Chinese official was quoted as saying: “Why they not get triple A huh?  AA+ not good enough.  Maybe in Belgium’s house, but not here.  They may as well bring home F.  Same thing!”

The source also confirmed there was ‘no way’ this report card would be put on the fridge.

To make matters worse the agency issued a negative outlook, meaning the US could be forced to sit in the Special Ed classes with Ireland and Greece if it continued it’s downward slide.

‘Where did we go wrong?’

China have now called on the US to get itself get a tutor and increase the number of hours it spent studying amid worries the downgrade would prevent the world’s largest economy to get into a good Ivy League school.

For it’s part, the United States blamed the fall in grades on the fact it was “going through some stuff right now, okay.”

A spokeswoman for the S&P did offer some optimism for concerned China, reminding that the top grade was only missed by a mere margin of endless bi-partisan bickering, which could be improved by taking extra classes.

She added: “If America buckles down, studies hard and makes a real effort to move beyond childlike partisan politics it might avoid having to repeat the year.”

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California Turns to Prostitution to Service Debt

In a tragic turn of events this week, the state of California is to switch it’s major export from Hollywood movies to prostitution in a last ditch attempt to tackle a growing budget deficit of $24.3 billion that has lead to a state of fiscal emergency.  Governator Schwarzenegger said he was proud that the state was making the tough decisions required, adding: “we now need to lower our morals and begin turning tricks if we are to get out of this crisis”.  The move comes after state legislators failed to approve a budget which included cuts in educational spending.  State Controller John Chiang has said the failure to meet budget deadlines left him with no choice but to “put the state to the streets”.  In addition to serving the debt, any extra capital gained from servicing high class clientele will be used to finance the inevitable drug addiction it will pick up during it time as a streetwalker.

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