Tag Archive | "david cameron"

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Nigel Farage Blasts Immigrant Policy As Saharan Dust Settles In UK


UNITED KINGDOM – Nigel Farage has demanded a tougher immigration policy after large amounts of dust were allowed to migrate from Africa and settle in the UK this week.

The UK Independence Party leader said the coalition’s “soft” immigration policy had opened the door for Saharan dust to enter the UK “without any stringent checks”.

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Geneva Deal To Grant Nick Clegg Safe Passage Out Of Coalition


SWITZERLAND – A preliminary deal has been reached that could see Nick Clegg granted safe passage out of the Coalition government back to Liberal Democrat obscurity.

A framework is currently in place in which Nick Clegg would be freed from his powerless position as Deputy Prime Minister, escaping further ridicule and embarrassment, before the 2015 General Election.

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Grief Clinics Set To Stay Open For England World Cup Matches


ENGLAND – David Cameron has overruled the Home Office and ordered a review to ensure that grief clinic opening hours can be extended for England’s World Cup matches.

Tens of millions of fans watched England’s opening game in the 2010 World Cup, making it a highly lucrative event for grief clinics across the country.

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Npower To Honour Nelson Mandela By Increasing Prices Another 2.7%


UNITED KINGDOM – Energy supplier Npower has announced it will raise its energy prices a further 2.7% to mark the memory of Nelson Mandela time in prison.

The company already increased prices by 10.4% this year, in honour of the company’s favourite number 10.4, but said it couldn’t miss the opportunity to pay their respects to the great leader and visionary.

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Government Calls on Santa to Get More Poor Children on Nice List


UNITED KINGDOM – The government has called on Santa Claus to get more children from poorer backgrounds on to the Nice List after this year’s delivery of presents.

A recent Yuletide report has shown children from the poorest fifth of the population are much less likely to get on the list of nice children than those from the richest group.

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David Cameron Calls For Leveson To Add “Slap on the Wrist” Clause To Report


UNITED KINGDOM – David Cameron has called for a slap on the wrist amendment to the list of laws recommended in the Leveson Report into media ethics.

The Prime Minister, who is still looking for a way to avoid the issue of media regulation altogether, said the amendment “would go a long way to making a token gesture”.

Mr Cameron rejected claims he had dismissed the report too early, saying that he was simply putting it off it the hopes it would go away.

Minor changes

The amendment has been drafted by a joint committee of Conservative ministers,  and stipulates: “In the event of gross misconduct perpetrated by a media organisation including, but not limited to, hacking the phones of dead schoolgirls”, the government would be given “full authority to exert firm force on the upper portion of the wrist of said media organisation as a means of indicating its extreme displeasure at the aforementioned bad act.”

Any wrist slapping would be followed by telling the media organisation to “think long and hard about what they have done.”

Mr Cameron said with proper enforcement he was sure acts of gross misconduct like those uncovered during the Leveson inquiry would be a thing of the past.

“This is the right thing to do,” the PM said.  “It would ensure that problems are dealt with in the lightest of manners while giving the impression I was dealing with the core issue.”

Mr Cameron claimed the draft bill will allow future misconduct to be dealt with in principle “while keeping Rupert Murdoch happy.”

Opposition backlash

Opposition government rejected the proposals as weak and demanded the coalition take tougher measures to properly punish newspapers in a way they would feel, suggesting Mr Cameron send Nick Clegg to work for any organisation found to have run afoul of the guidelines outlined in the Leveson Report.

“What Mr Cameron has proposed simply doesn’t go far enough,” blasted Labour leader Ed Miliband.”Now is the time to take a strong stand against a culture of bad behaviour.”

“Sending Nick to work for just a week would show that this government was serious about enforcement.”

“No more empty threats.”

 

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Government Ditches Web Surveillance Plans, Uses Facebook Instead


UNITED KINGDOM – Relenting to public outcry, Prime Minister David Cameron announced the government will ditch controversial web surveillance plans and just friend people on Facebook instead.

The snooper’s charter was met with fierce criticism due to serious privacy fears, prompting the government to turn to the popular social network to do “pretty much everything we were planning anyway.”

The Home Office hailed the new scheme was vital to “investigate serious crime, terrorism,” and most importantly “knowing when an individual changed their relationship status.”

New plans

Under amended surveillance plans, ministers would friend everyone in Britain to gain the ability to see who a person had been in contact with, what sites a person visited and what the weather was like outside a person’s window at any given moment.

Home Secretary Theresa May earlier confirmed the existing Communications Data Bill would be replaced with Facebook’s privacy policy, admitting there was “no point in reinventing the wheel”.

She said the government wanted to avoid the backlash from concerned Britain’s while still enabling the government to find out every last detail of what you get up to on the internet.

And in direct response to privacy advocates, May suggested worried citizens start using Google+ if they wanted complete and utter privacy.

‘You can trust us’

David Cameron backed the proposals as “crucial to combating a new age of criminal threat that we must be ready to deal with” before leaning over to Nick Clegg and asking how to friend London.

Mr Cameron went on to say: “We acknowledge the criticism of the Communications Data bill but this government remains committed to providing security services with new powers to monitor internet activity.”

“Of course we understand the notion that someone would be keeping a constant watch on all online activity would cross the line into a dark place where the expectation of privacy is a thing of the past.”

He assured the public that “those plans have been halted and we’ll just follow you on Facebook”.

The Prime Minister was confident criminals now had no place to hide from the consequences of their illegal activities, “or their office Christmas do”.

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Hot Air From Global Warming Talks Now Leading Cause of Global Warming


DOHA – The world’s foremost climate change experts have warned the hot air produced from ongoing global warming talks has now become the leading cause of global warming.

The grim warning comes during the latest talks between leading nations which is expected to release an estimated 12 gigatons of hot air into the atmosphere over the next two weeks.

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Jimmy Savile Charity to Change Name to “Jack the Ripper Trust”


ENGLAND – The Jimmy Savile Charitable Trust is seeking to avoid controversy and change its name to the “Jack the Ripper Charitable Trust” after continued allegations of abuse surrounding the late DJ.

The trustees said they have been contacted several times about changing the name to something less controversial in light of the serious accusations of child abuse said to have been carried out by the Jim’ll Fix It host.

Prime Minister David Cameron has already labelled the claim as “truly shocking” and backed the use of the unidentified serial killer as a sound decision.

New beginning

In a statement the charity said:

“In the wake of the very disturbing and vile allegations made against the late Jimmy Savile, this organisation feel it best to distance itself from the negative press now associated with the Savile name and will begin referring to itself after Jack the Ripper instead.”

“We will continue operations as usual and look forward to a less controversial dealings in future.”

A spokesman for the Jack the Ripper Charitable Trust described the “logical move needed” to take some heat off the charity in the wake of Savile’s acts.

“We didn’t want to be caught up in this terrible situation,” explained Lee Welch who revealed other candidates for name included “Jeffrey Dahmer Trust” and “OJ Simpson Foundation.”

“With all the things they’re saying in the news, the Jack the Ripper Charitable Trust thought it best to go in a new direction with a name that is not as controversial.”

‘We don’t want trouble’

Mr Welch went on to say that “changing our name is something we never expected to do so it has been taken very seriously.  Maybe now we can move on from this with a clear conscience.”

Indeed, the change of name has already made a difference with prospective contributors.

“When I heard the news about Jimmy I was horrified.  Just horrified,” Claire Sheffield told reporters.  “It’s good the Jack the Ripper Charitable Trust is getting ahead of this.”

“I think the name change will make people much more comfortable donating.”

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Nick Clegg Joins West Ham on Season Long Loan


UNITED KINGDOM – A surprise deadline day transfer has seen Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg leave the coalition government and sign for West Ham United on a season long loan.

The deal, said to be worth nothing, will see the Liberal Democrat leader join the Hammers after a disappointing two years at Downing Street.

His exit brings an end to a hectic day of deadline day transfers made by Prime Minister David Cameron in a bid to reshuffle his struggling cabinet.

Wheeling and Dealing

In addition to the transfer of Jeremy Hunt to health Secretary and Baroness Warsi to Foreign Office Minister, Mr Cameron has also brought in Michael Owen on a pay as you play contract.  A deal similar to the one the PM has with many conservative donors.

Owen, a free agent since being released by Manchester United, said he looked forward to joining Parliament where he would be able to sit on a back bench for long periods of time.

But it’s the departure of Nick Clegg from west to east London that has caught the majority of the headlines.

Clegg signed for the coalition in 2012 on what has since been described as a “crazy day” in the General Election that saw him join the government in a five year deal.

However, he could not cement his place in Westminster after failing to live up to his pre-election promise and has since fallen down the pecking order behind George Osborne, Samantha Cameron, Rupert Murdoch and Daughter Nancy Cameron when it comes to making effective government policy decisions.

“Nick understood that chances here would be few and far between if he stayed,” explained David Cameron.  “I would have made sure of it.”

Fresh start

Privately it’s understood Clegg’s preference was to stay with the coalition and fight for his place, but George Osborne made clear “we can no longer afford to keep him on the bench,” blaming the recession and slow Eurozone growth.

This morning, Clegg said: I’m the same as any politician who got massively lucky and found himself in an unexplained position of power.  I want to be setting policy week in week out.”

“Unfortunately the gaffer said my chances would be limited here, especially with the arrival of Nancy.  That happens and I have to accept it.  That’s government.”

West Ham manager Sam Allardyce was thrilled with his new arrival who he believes will improve his team’s chances of a top ten finish.

“Cleggy’s just the kind of person we need.  He has European experience and his ability to hold the line with no support is second to none.”

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