Tag Archive | "conservative"

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Nick Clegg Calls For 2015 Election Debate To Be Held In 2010


UNITED KINGDOM – Nick Clegg has called for next month’s General Election debate to be rescheduled to April 2010, when he had a chance of being Prime Minister.

The Liberal Democrat leader said he was “more than ready” to take on rival party leaders ahead of the 2015 election, as long as the seven-way debate took place five years in the past.

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Geneva Deal To Grant Nick Clegg Safe Passage Out Of Coalition


SWITZERLAND – A preliminary deal has been reached that could see Nick Clegg granted safe passage out of the Coalition government back to Liberal Democrat obscurity.

A framework is currently in place in which Nick Clegg would be freed from his powerless position as Deputy Prime Minister, escaping further ridicule and embarrassment, before the 2015 General Election.

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Republicans Accuse Obama Of Using Presidential Powers To Run Country


WASHINGTON D.C. – The nation’s most prominent Republicans have hit out at Barack Obama after he threatened to use his powers as President to run the country.

Following the annual State of the Union address, conservative figures voiced concerns that the President would now misuse his position to embark on a wanton campaign of “achieving goals”.

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David Cameron Calls For Leveson To Add “Slap on the Wrist” Clause To Report


UNITED KINGDOM – David Cameron has called for a slap on the wrist amendment to the list of laws recommended in the Leveson Report into media ethics.

The Prime Minister, who is still looking for a way to avoid the issue of media regulation altogether, said the amendment “would go a long way to making a token gesture”.

Mr Cameron rejected claims he had dismissed the report too early, saying that he was simply putting it off it the hopes it would go away.

Minor changes

The amendment has been drafted by a joint committee of Conservative ministers,  and stipulates: “In the event of gross misconduct perpetrated by a media organisation including, but not limited to, hacking the phones of dead schoolgirls”, the government would be given “full authority to exert firm force on the upper portion of the wrist of said media organisation as a means of indicating its extreme displeasure at the aforementioned bad act.”

Any wrist slapping would be followed by telling the media organisation to “think long and hard about what they have done.”

Mr Cameron said with proper enforcement he was sure acts of gross misconduct like those uncovered during the Leveson inquiry would be a thing of the past.

“This is the right thing to do,” the PM said.  “It would ensure that problems are dealt with in the lightest of manners while giving the impression I was dealing with the core issue.”

Mr Cameron claimed the draft bill will allow future misconduct to be dealt with in principle “while keeping Rupert Murdoch happy.”

Opposition backlash

Opposition government rejected the proposals as weak and demanded the coalition take tougher measures to properly punish newspapers in a way they would feel, suggesting Mr Cameron send Nick Clegg to work for any organisation found to have run afoul of the guidelines outlined in the Leveson Report.

“What Mr Cameron has proposed simply doesn’t go far enough,” blasted Labour leader Ed Miliband.”Now is the time to take a strong stand against a culture of bad behaviour.”

“Sending Nick to work for just a week would show that this government was serious about enforcement.”

“No more empty threats.”

 

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Republicans Slam Obama For “Soft Poultry Policy” After Turkey Pardon


WASHINGTON DC – Leading Republican figures have slammed Barack Obama’s handling of the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon and called for a tougher stance on wild game.

In what is being labelled as further evidence of a “secular, Islamist, pro-turkey agenda”, the President gave pardons to two 40-pound turkeys, Cobbler and Gobbler, without full knowledge of their crimes.

According to many in the party, the leniency shown to each turkey “almost certainly” puts them closer to gaining a nuclear weapon.

Failed policies

Party thought leaders said both birds should have been tried before a jury of their peers, letting the system decide if they should have they records expunged and agreed it was on the President’s head if these turkeys went on to obtain weapons of mass destruction.

“This is an outrage!” Blasted radio host Rush Limbaugh.  “Barack Hussein Obama has now pardoned eight turkeys during his time in the White House. Each one a missed meal.”

Michele Bachmann called move “naive” as the turkey now had a free rein to commit further atrocities.

“I think it’s sad that we don’t have a president that is able to stand up to the pro-turkey lobby and continues to let guilty birds plan God knows what in our country.”

In addition to sharpening his criticism of Obama on poultry policy, Ryan also took aim at the administration for sending mixed signals – pardoning two turkeys before siting down to his own Thanksgiving meal later that day.

“Look across the President’s table today and what do we see?” Ryan asked the assembled audience. “Cranberry sauce, yams, stuffing, gravy, oh and what’s this?  Turkey.”

Former GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry called turkeys one of the three most despicable birds out there.  “You got pigeons, turkeys and…ah geez, opps. I forgot, but the point is that Obama might be a Muslim.”

Unanswered questions

With no official explanation from the Obama administration, Conservative pundits continue to question what the White House is hiding from the public.

“I can’t help the feeling we’re not seeing the whole picture,” suggested Fox News host Megan Kelly.

“Why these turkeys huh?  What’s so special about them?”

“Why was there no trial before an official pardon?”

“Why won’t the White House tell us what they were pardoned for?”

“Who are Cobbler and Gobbler, really?”

“What’s the real story here?”

It is now widely expected both birds, Cobbler and Gobbler, would rejoin with groups linked to al-Qaeda.

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Physical Manifestation of Rush Limbaugh’s Blind Rage Early 2016 Frontrunner


WASHINGTON DC – After Barack Obama’s re-election, a physical manifestation of Rush Limbaugh’s blind rage is being tipped to become GOP candidate for president in 2016.

The dark, deep, lighting filled cloud has already emerged as an early frontrunner for Republicans as the party looks to reinvent itself following a disappointing loss to the president and reason for the cloud’s existence.

Rush Limbaugh’s rage cloud has already tested through the roof with conservative voters, beating out prominent candidates including Jeb Bush and a shrink wrapped copy of Atlas Shrugged.

New party hope

A newcomer to the political arena, the turbulent rage cloud burst onto the scene only seconds after President Obama’s re-election and has continued growing its support and overall surface area.

“There’s no doubt that this thing is the rising star of the new conservative movement,” said Fox News analyst Karl Rove.

With a view on the 2016 presidential race, conservative pundits are left to debate why the ominous hate filled cloud was so popular.

“It’s the only candidate that is really speaking to the core Republican base in any meaningful way,” suggested conservative commentator Dick Morris.

“The rage cloud has come out of nowhere but the party is really connecting with its message of unsubstantiated fear and institutional racism.”

Indeed, disappointed conservative voters have indicated they would likely back a bid for the White House if the rage cloud decided to run.

“I would totally vote for Rush’s semi solid rage cloud,” admitted Alabama voter Chad Evans.  “It screams incessantly at me in a way Mitt Romney never did.”

Mr Evans, who now lives in an underground panic bunker for fear of a second Obama term says a 2016 bid by the anger filled cloud could persuade him and his family to consider living above ground again.

Measured response

However, some early optimism has been tempered as the rage cloud has yet to announced its plans for the 2016 race.  And while Rove admitted “it hasn’t laid out a coherent policy,” he also noted “that never stopped Mitt from running.”

Karl Rove remained adamant the hate fueled cloud was delaying as it worked out a deal to make a similar sized semi-solid cloud of Republican misogynistic sentiment its vice presidential pick for a devastating ticket in 2016.

Rush Limbaugh’s rage cloud avoided the topic when interviewed however, instead emitting a succession of lighting bursts along with belligerent and barely intelligible ramblings about Mexicans, guns and “THOSE DAMN GAYS”.

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Mitt Romney Takes on Mitt Romney in Final Presidential Debate


OHIO – In the fourth and final debate of the presidential election, Mitt Romney faced off against his most contrasting ideological opponent of the race: Mitt Romney.

Hailed as the fiercest political debate in recent memory, the conservative candidate came out “guns blazing” against his more moderate counterpart and clashed over several crucial election issues.

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Nick Clegg Joins West Ham on Season Long Loan


UNITED KINGDOM – A surprise deadline day transfer has seen Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg leave the coalition government and sign for West Ham United on a season long loan.

The deal, said to be worth nothing, will see the Liberal Democrat leader join the Hammers after a disappointing two years at Downing Street.

His exit brings an end to a hectic day of deadline day transfers made by Prime Minister David Cameron in a bid to reshuffle his struggling cabinet.

Wheeling and Dealing

In addition to the transfer of Jeremy Hunt to health Secretary and Baroness Warsi to Foreign Office Minister, Mr Cameron has also brought in Michael Owen on a pay as you play contract.  A deal similar to the one the PM has with many conservative donors.

Owen, a free agent since being released by Manchester United, said he looked forward to joining Parliament where he would be able to sit on a back bench for long periods of time.

But it’s the departure of Nick Clegg from west to east London that has caught the majority of the headlines.

Clegg signed for the coalition in 2012 on what has since been described as a “crazy day” in the General Election that saw him join the government in a five year deal.

However, he could not cement his place in Westminster after failing to live up to his pre-election promise and has since fallen down the pecking order behind George Osborne, Samantha Cameron, Rupert Murdoch and Daughter Nancy Cameron when it comes to making effective government policy decisions.

“Nick understood that chances here would be few and far between if he stayed,” explained David Cameron.  “I would have made sure of it.”

Fresh start

Privately it’s understood Clegg’s preference was to stay with the coalition and fight for his place, but George Osborne made clear “we can no longer afford to keep him on the bench,” blaming the recession and slow Eurozone growth.

This morning, Clegg said: I’m the same as any politician who got massively lucky and found himself in an unexplained position of power.  I want to be setting policy week in week out.”

“Unfortunately the gaffer said my chances would be limited here, especially with the arrival of Nancy.  That happens and I have to accept it.  That’s government.”

West Ham manager Sam Allardyce was thrilled with his new arrival who he believes will improve his team’s chances of a top ten finish.

“Cleggy’s just the kind of person we need.  He has European experience and his ability to hold the line with no support is second to none.”

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Florida in Storm Alert As Republican Convention Hits


FLORIDA – Locals are being told to “prepare for the worst” on the back of news the Republican National Convention taking place in Florida is continuing to gather speed.

The large gathering of conservatives is thought to hit the state which is already experiencing the first effects: a reduction in racial diversity and a warm front of hostility towards Mexicans.

Officials have issued multiple warnings in what could be the highest outpouring of hot air to sweep across Tampa since the ill-fated Zeppelin disaster of 1908.

Advance warning

The first day has been quiet but experts are expecting the situation to take a turn for the worst once Mitt Romney is formally nominated as presidential candidate.

Residents in the path of the Republican gathering have been told they should not “tempt fate” and evacuate the area “unless you’re a white male under the age of 65”.

The function is currently classed as a category two convention, but could be upgraded to a category four when vice presidential pick Paul Ryan outlines his plans for the national budget on Wednesday.

Damage from the convention could be severe enough to send the surrounding backwards 400 years.

“Right now we’ve only heard the usual talk about tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans,” said meteorologist Mitch Connell.

“But when this area of debate moves into cutting welfare and immigration policy, that’s when we’ll see the full force of the convention bear down on Tampa.”

“It’s not going to be pretty,” he warned before urging poor people, ethnic minority and women considering travelling to the area to cancel their plans “for their own safety”.

Safety first

In preparation for an increase in rhetoric, residents have begun boarding windows, taping down contraception and laying down sandbags in efforts to keep out the torrent of mindless Fox News coverage.

“My team are monitoring for an upswing in seventeenth century ideology,” confirmed Mr Connell.  “There is millions worth of equipment set to raise the alarm if it detects 10 or more instances of the phrases ‘Regan’, ‘small government’ and ‘Obamacare in a five minute period.”

“We’re taking all the necessary precautions.”

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David Cameron Accidentally Leaves Nick Clegg in Downing Street


ENGLAND – David Cameron has issued a public apology after leaving Nick Clegg alone in Downing Street, and technically in charge of the country, for almost 15 minutes.

Mr Cameron is reported to have “nipped off to the shops” with Chancellor George Osborne when they realised Mr Clegg was not with them.

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