Tag Archive | "congress"

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Medical Scientists Mystified By Spineless Paul Ryan

Paul Ryan SpineWASHINGTON DC – Scientists in the country’s top medical institutes are said to be collectively mystified by Paul Ryan’s ability to walk without a spine.

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Republicans Accuse Obama Of Using Presidential Powers To Run Country

WASHINGTON D.C. – The nation’s most prominent Republicans have hit out at Barack Obama after he threatened to use his powers as President to run the country.

Following the annual State of the Union address, conservative figures voiced concerns that the President would now misuse his position to embark on a wanton campaign of “achieving goals”.

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Republicans Unveil Google.com As Obamacare Alternative

WASHINGTON D.C. – Congressional House Republicans have unveiled their first genuine alternative to the Affordable Care Act: google.com.

Titled the “Just Google It” Healthcare Act, or “Googlecare”, the plan is set to put to rest ongoing criticism that the Republican party had up till now offered no practical alternative to the Affordable Healthcare Act.

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US Denies Barack Obama Knew NSA Had Tapped Prayers To God

WASHINGTON D.C. – The National Security Agency is denying reports that Barack Obama has been aware of the surveillance of prayers to God since 2010.

The fallout from fresh allegations have been brought by Edward Snowden’s leak of classified security material, prompting even more damaging questions about the extent of US spy activities.

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Americans Avoid Fiscal Cliff By Throwing Congress Over Actual Cliff

WASHINGTON D.C. – In an unexpected resolution, Americans have agreed an 11th hour deal to solve the country’s fiscal problems by pushing members of congress over an actual cliff.

A deal was reached by citizens across all 50 states and is set to solve US economic problems by removing what many agree is the biggest threat to the country’s fiscal future.

The American people said it was time to “end the game of chicken played by Congress” and send them “over the nearest cliff like a game of lemmings”.

Budget deal agreed

Slow progress by both Republicans and Democrats prompted ordinary Americans to put forward their own proposal to stop steep tax rises and spending cuts.

It’s thought the deal will involve gathering congressional leaders and frog march them over the nearest cliff.

The bipartisan agreement, supported by a majority of Americans, will take effect by the end of January once a big enough net could be found.

Washington native Joshua Scott said the agreement, which was agreed to by 300 million citizens, was negotiated inside three hours – less time than House Speaker John Boehner spends in a tanning bed session according to inside sources.

“We were all just frustrated with the lack of progress on Capitol Hill so we got together and worked out a deal that was best for us,” said Mr Scott.

“With this deal the U.S. will avoid a double dip recession and make future political discussions a heck of a lot smoother with less politicians around.”

According to reports, the only remaining sticking point is which area of elevated ground to send Republicans and Democrats over, which Nevada’s Grand Canon the preferred option.

Analysts say this new deal was an overall positive for the country and stocks saw an optimistic rally at the thought of lawmakers being sent over a real cliff.

Long term solutions

President Obama said while the deal was “not ideal”, it remained the most sensible offer on the table and signed off on the plan earlier today.

However, Mitch McConnell, leader of the Senate’s Republican minority, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid both remain against any deal that would see them face a drop any larger than 10 feet.

Indeed, many Congressional leaders are reported to have rejected the deal, but Mr Scott said the sheer weight of numbers would ensure it gets pushed through “quite literally”.

“We understand no one like going over a cliff.”

“But it’s us or them.”

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Gang Leaders Accused of Racial Profiling Potential Applicants

COMPTON – A damning new study has revealed Caucasians applicants to be “woefully under-represented” within gangs across poor cities, with nearly three-quarters of top gang roles held by black men.

Commissioned by the International Hood Watch Foundation (IHWF), the findings are said to show “clear evidence” that urban gangs across the country are subjecting potential applicants to racial profiling.

Just one glaring statistic showed that 89% of gang affiliates promoted to high-ranking positions in the last two decades where from underprivileged African-American families.

The report also uncovered a surprising drop in the number of snitches staying in a job for longer than six months.

Shocking statistics

Executive director of the IHWF Brenda Rogers admitted that she had not seen such obvious bias towards one colour since she last played Roulette.

“We’re not surprised the hiring policy of our nation’s top gangs are now under serious fire,” she said.  “There is clearly still a lot of work to be done to achieve ethnic equality in this industry.”

Dion “Shank ’em” Jones – managing director of the South Central LA division of the Crips – strenuously denied allegations of discrimination and defended his policy of recruiting the “toughest motherfu*kers this side of an NWA album” no matter the applicant’s ethnic background.

However, with the country facing challenging employment conditions, Republican members of Congress have been quick to rally against the gangs in the study from a safe distance.

“These thugs are job killers,” said Senator Mitch McConnell who said jobs were being denied to an entire section of the potential market.

“They’re probably people killers too, but it’s the first one we’re really angry about.”

Unfair advantage

Majority House leader Eric Cantor was less restrained in his criticism of  gang hiring practises which he labelled in no uncertain terms as racial profiling: “They’re all black!  Everyone of them, and you’re trying to tell me there’s not a problem here?!”

As a result, leading GOP House member are to draft legislation calling for a gang quota that would see the workforce made up of more well-off white individuals.  “The ones that are really suffering,” according to Mr Cantor.

The plan was rejected by the nations leading gangs as “political correctness run wild.”

“Yo, we employ just like everyone else,” insisted Mr Jenkins.  “I check previous work history, references, lack of education and criminal record to accurately judge who’s the best applicant for the role. It’s not about race.”

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Barack Obama Agrees Deal To Hand His Balls To Republicans

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama has announced an agreement on the US debt ceiling which will see Republican congressmen take full possession of his balls.

The 11th hour bill was passed 269 votes to 161 and is expected to be approved by the Senate on Tuesday.

In a high-pitched address to the nation, Obama declared: “I want to announce that the leaders of both parties in both chambers have reached an agreement that will reduce the deficit, avoid default, and put my testicles on a plate for the Republican party.  Thank you.”

The president then limped away to sit on a giant ice cube.

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Sesame Street Cast To Explain Government To Washington

WASHINGTON – The makers of hit show Sesame Street have invited members of congress to a special taping of the show designed to teach them how governments should work.

The US risks defaulting on its financial obligations if a budget deal is not struck by August 2nd, with both sides failing to get beyond party rhetoric.

Along with the president, leading members of Congress interacted with the Sesame Street cast as they negotiated an agreement on the trash ceiling: the upper limit of garbage Oscar the Grouch is allowed to pile up around his sidewalk home.

‘G’ is for government

Executive producer Carol-Lynn Parente believes the show, a hit with pre-schoolers, could teach members of congress the fundamentals of the job they have been elected to do.

“We’ve crafted a range of fun and visually stimulating scenarios to engage them,” she explained.  “With the very complex subject of deciding whether to keep the economy running or not, sometimes you just need to go back to basics.”

Another scenario saw Cookie Monster learn to manage the cookie supply, responsibly managing consumption and distribution so he wouldn’t be forced to beg China for more in the future.

Early reactions were positive, but there were worrying signs with many congressmen said to be ‘visually stunned’ when an amicable decision between Oscar, Big Bird, Elmo and Grover was arrived at well within the show’s 60 minute duration.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, House majority leader Eric Cantor struggled to understand why the cookies weren’t reserved for the top 2% of Sesame Street earners.

Rosemarie Truglio, VP for education and research advised that not every congressmen would be able to grasp the concepts of constructive and respectful dialogue right away.  “Eric just needs some time to wrap his mind around it.”

‘Can you tell me how to get to a consensus?’

Despite reports that “Barack was a little confused when Big Bird showed leadership to bring all sides to an agreement,” Parente was optimistic the lessons would sink in.

She did show concern however when at one point John Boehner asked when the muppets would start the petty squabbling and name calling.

“We’ve successfully educated difficult children before but this was a real struggle,” she confessed wearily.  “Many of them have no real idea of how to overcome bi-partisan bickering to reach a compromise.”

“We’ve tried to make it a simple as we can.  If they don’t get it now, we’re screwed.”

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Barack Obama Speech Fails To Address Nolan Snub

WASHINGTON – Barack Obama’s State of the Union speech has been slammed for failing to address the biggest issue facing the country – Christopher Nolan’s snub for Best Director Oscar nomination.

The President, who spoke for 61 minutes before a joint session of Congress, angered many by offering no mention at any stage during the night of how he planned to tackle the American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences continued failure to credit the acclaimed director for his work in blockbuster hit Inception.

Missed opportunity

The failure to offer a solution has left Conservative opposition fuming and during the event, Republican Michele Bachmann could be seen saying to her seatmate, representative Jean Schmidt: “He’s absolutely shameless,” once it was clear president Obama would not be addressing the snub.

Glenn Beck added to the negative reaction, accusing the president of trying to brush away the snub “like Hitler’s regime tried to brush away the Jews…not that I’m saying Barack Obama is Hitler.”

Post speech analysis proved that Mr Obama’s omission of the slight disappointed that he choose to instead discuss debt, education and pushing the country into a competitive position for the future.

Worst speech ever

The level of anger has forced Mr Obama to acknowledge his omission, later admitting that Christopher Nolan should have been nominated.

He also paid special tribute to James Franco for overcoming ‘great adversity’, appearing in Spiderman 3 to “not only gain credible work again, but be nominated for a Oscar.  Amazing.”

The mention appears to have come too late for some however.

“Did Obama drop the ball with that speech?  Oh absolutely,” said CNN contributor Roland Martin.  “He didn’t say one word about the Oscar nominations, not one.  This was his chance to really get to heart of why the Academy refuses to acknowledge Christopher Nolan’s directorial ability, and he blew it. “

“I’m afraid it just goes to show how out of touch he is with the common man’s Oscar pick for best director.”

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YouTube Takes Down Hundreds of ‘Rickroll’ Videos

SILICON VALLEY – After numerous complaints from British and American officials, YouTube have removed hundreds of videos used to “rickroll” unsuspecting viewers from its site. 

The bait and switch meme featuring Rick Astley has been used to cause embarrassment ‘on a grand scale’ for years, resulting in a chorus of upset internet users demanding the material and all it’s spin offs be removed from the video sharing site.

The move comes after authorities in US, UK and Dubai were all victim to a concerted Rickrolling campaign which saw them Rickrolled as much as 25 times in a single day through various forms of electronic correspondence, leading to Mr Astley being labelled “one annoying son of a bitch.” by an American IT manager.

‘Please, make it stop’

UK Security minister Baroness Neville-Jones pressed for the videos to be removed after being Rickrolled last Saturday and a New York congressman, Anthony Weiner, sent YouTube a letter listing the hundreds of Rickroll links sent to him over two years when he thought he was open emails linking to videos of D-list celebrity nipple slips.

The requests took on greater urgency after two ‘high ranking’ senators were Rickrolled with the version featuring Ronald MacDonald.  The prime suspects are thought to be YouTube members with possible links to 4Chan.

Baroness Neville-Jones also expressed her deep concern over websites that encouraged homegrown Rickrolling efforts, believing it had become “far too easy for someone to go onto the internet and learn to make these dangerously annoying memes from their bedroom.”

Freedom of pranking

Born in America, Astley’s work has been linked to dorm rooms across the country, several fraudulent Christmas party emails, and 65 fake birthday invites in New York alone.  As a result, he is now on a CIA hit list authorised by President Barack Obama.

Last month, investigators reported finding more than 700 videos used in Rickrolling attack. The clips had garnered more than 3.5m hits in a sure sign that they were being actively used to waste 10 seconds of people’s lives they would never get back.

Victoria Grand, a YouTube spokeswoman said the company had tried to balance the freedom of pwning noobs with averting the calls to violence usually heard in response, but now admits a harder line is needed. “These are difficult issues,” she wrote, “I mean, it was super funny at one point but it’s clearly peaked so I think we’re justified in removing the offending content now.”

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