Tag Archive | "coalition"

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Nick Clegg Calls For 2015 Election Debate To Be Held In 2010


UNITED KINGDOM – Nick Clegg has called for next month’s General Election debate to be rescheduled to April 2010, when he had a chance of being Prime Minister.

The Liberal Democrat leader said he was “more than ready” to take on rival party leaders ahead of the 2015 election, as long as the seven-way debate took place five years in the past.

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Nigel Farage Blasts Immigrant Policy As Saharan Dust Settles In UK


UNITED KINGDOM – Nigel Farage has demanded a tougher immigration policy after large amounts of dust were allowed to migrate from Africa and settle in the UK this week.

The UK Independence Party leader said the coalition’s “soft” immigration policy had opened the door for Saharan dust to enter the UK “without any stringent checks”.

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Geneva Deal To Grant Nick Clegg Safe Passage Out Of Coalition


SWITZERLAND – A preliminary deal has been reached that could see Nick Clegg granted safe passage out of the Coalition government back to Liberal Democrat obscurity.

A framework is currently in place in which Nick Clegg would be freed from his powerless position as Deputy Prime Minister, escaping further ridicule and embarrassment, before the 2015 General Election.

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Anti Gay Marriage MPs Move to Keep Gay Divorce Illegal


UNITED KINGDOM – As the acceptance of same-sex marriage appears increasingly likely, opposing advocates say they will now do all they can to keep gay divorce illegal.

Conservatives leading the renewed charge say they will fight “tooth and nail” for the heterosexual right to sever sacred marriage vows, especially in cases where doing could boost celebrity status or land a substantial pay day.

Leading anti gay divorce campaigners are confident this would swing things back in their favour, “but not swing like in a gay way or anything.”

Sanctity of divorce

By shifting their focus to the act of divorce, protesters would now look to ensure gay men and women remain trapped in marriage “way past the point it was any fun.”

This pro-active move would keep the definition of divorce as the “union of man and woman up until the point said man and woman speak the words ‘eh, this isn’t working out anymore let’s call it a day’.”

“Gay marriage will only lead to gay divorce and that’s something we cannot allow to happen,”  explained anti gay divorce campaigner Ross Harlow.

“Divorce is a long-standing separation of two heterosexual people and the idea it would be anything else is something that must be penetrated and dismantled immediately.”

He then quickly clarified: “But not penetrate like in a gay way or anything.”

“We knew this was a possibility ever since our society started letting homosexuals dress straight men on TV,” confessed one MP who voted against the legalisation of same-sex marriages.

“Let’s see how they like gay marriage when gay divorce is not available to them.”

Straight and narrow

The legislation, drafted by a coalition of unhappily married MPs, would be pushed through Parliament in time for January 2015 and in time for the key divorce month according to most ex-husbands.

Conservative lawmaker Gerald Howarth was practical in his assessment but firm in this course of action, “but not firm like in a gay way or anything.”

He told Parliament that while they push throw an unholy mandate that will corrupt the nation, there was “nothing stopping us from trapping gay people in a loveless marriage for a lifetime.”

“We’ll let them get married, sure we will.  But they’ll never be allowed to get out.”

He added: “Mmmmwahahahaa!”

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Kate Middleton Gets Oscar Nod For Role As Person Impressed With Kate Middleton Painting


HOLLYWOOD – Kate Middleton has received a late Oscar nomination for her performance as someone actually impressed with Kate Middleton’s self-portrait.

With the 85th awards just over a month away, the Duchess of Cambridge’s “brief but brilliant” acting performance was given the late nod from after offering what seemed like genuine praise to the Paul Emsley painting.

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Nick Clegg Joins West Ham on Season Long Loan


UNITED KINGDOM – A surprise deadline day transfer has seen Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg leave the coalition government and sign for West Ham United on a season long loan.

The deal, said to be worth nothing, will see the Liberal Democrat leader join the Hammers after a disappointing two years at Downing Street.

His exit brings an end to a hectic day of deadline day transfers made by Prime Minister David Cameron in a bid to reshuffle his struggling cabinet.

Wheeling and Dealing

In addition to the transfer of Jeremy Hunt to health Secretary and Baroness Warsi to Foreign Office Minister, Mr Cameron has also brought in Michael Owen on a pay as you play contract.  A deal similar to the one the PM has with many conservative donors.

Owen, a free agent since being released by Manchester United, said he looked forward to joining Parliament where he would be able to sit on a back bench for long periods of time.

But it’s the departure of Nick Clegg from west to east London that has caught the majority of the headlines.

Clegg signed for the coalition in 2012 on what has since been described as a “crazy day” in the General Election that saw him join the government in a five year deal.

However, he could not cement his place in Westminster after failing to live up to his pre-election promise and has since fallen down the pecking order behind George Osborne, Samantha Cameron, Rupert Murdoch and Daughter Nancy Cameron when it comes to making effective government policy decisions.

“Nick understood that chances here would be few and far between if he stayed,” explained David Cameron.  “I would have made sure of it.”

Fresh start

Privately it’s understood Clegg’s preference was to stay with the coalition and fight for his place, but George Osborne made clear “we can no longer afford to keep him on the bench,” blaming the recession and slow Eurozone growth.

This morning, Clegg said: I’m the same as any politician who got massively lucky and found himself in an unexplained position of power.  I want to be setting policy week in week out.”

“Unfortunately the gaffer said my chances would be limited here, especially with the arrival of Nancy.  That happens and I have to accept it.  That’s government.”

West Ham manager Sam Allardyce was thrilled with his new arrival who he believes will improve his team’s chances of a top ten finish.

“Cleggy’s just the kind of person we need.  He has European experience and his ability to hold the line with no support is second to none.”

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Latest Greek Tragedy “The Finest Ever” Say Literary Scholars


GREECE – After fresh failure to form a coalition government, literary scholars have hailed the current turmoil as the best Greek tragedy there has ever been.

As emergency talks fell apart for a third time, plunging the country deeper into crisis, experts of human suffering plots insist the crisis eclipses the works of any ancient Athenian tragedy writer.

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David Cameron and Nick Clegg To Attend Relationship Counseling


UNITED KINGDOM – Coalition leaders David Cameron and Nick Clegg have agreed to seek professional help and take counseling sessions in a bid to repair their troubled relationship.

Following recent poor election results , the couple cited “political differences” and “budget issues” as primary factors in the current breakdown of their relationship.

The Deputy Prime Minister is also understood to have highlight a “lack of intimacy” during policy making sessions in Parliament.

Troubled waters

Though this week saw the pair renew their vows, relationship experts have dismissed the exercise as a sham.

“This is very typical behaviour,” said marriage counsellor Pamela Mitchell.  “When two people feel pressure to make their relationship appear copacetic they will often look to such grand public gestures like roses, balloons, or reaffirming political mandates expressed when they were first forced to meet.”

“But this outward show of demonstrating undying commitment to each others political views does nothing to address the issues below the surface.”

City businessman Michael Spencer suggested trouble has been brewing for some time after a dinner with David Cameron and other Tory donors.

“Nick wasn’t in the room and the money was flowing so I think Dave was more relaxed and said things he otherwise wouldn’t have – these things happen.”

During the dinner, the Prime Minister is said to have indicated a tendency by Nick Clegg to “nag nag nag,” adding: “As soon as I walk through the door that’s all I get from him.  Nag nag nag.”

Mimicking his deputy in a nasal tone, Mr Cameron continued: “‘But David, we can’t pass this health care bill in its current form, it’s not fair.’”

“’But David, we should at least consider the benefits of a pro-EU stance before distancing ourselves from its key leaders.'”

“Nag nag nag.”

For better or worse

Perhaps the most revealing comment came when the Conservative leader claimed: “It makes me want to hold snap election now and be done with it.”

Meanwhile, it’s understood the Deputy Prime Minister is unhappy at David Cameron’s inability to “really listen” to his issues.

Privately, Mr Clegg has told others he felt that “Dave doesn’t understand what I want…or maybe he does and just doesn’t care about me or my desire for alternative voting.”

“Sometimes after a long day when we’re talking about plans I have for government, I just see his eyes glaze over.”

“He always denies it, but I know.  Call it a deputy’s intuition.”

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UN Peace Plan Calls For Assad To Be Given Nick Clegg’s Job


DAMASCUS – Arab foreign ministers have backed Kofi Annan’s plan to see Bashar al-Assad removed from power by accepting Nick Clegg’s job in the coalition government.

The proposal would see Assad become David Cameron’s deputy; allowing the Syrian president to remain a governmental position while removing any political power that could be to make an impact in his country.

Drafted by the former Secretary-General, he told the UN Security Council the proposal had been modelled on the last two years of the Liberal Democrat leader’s time inside the coalition government.

Nullification

Mr Annan explained that seeing Nick Clegg reduced to a virtual bystander in government operations provided the blueprint for a draft agreement aimed at diminishing the Assad regime’s power over the Syrian people.

On a day in which further explosions could be heard from the captial, the former Secretary-Genera stressed: “To bring an end to the suffering, Assad must have his ability to influence government to all intents and purposes neutered like a dog.”

The international resolution includes demands for a ceasefire, the immediate withdrawal of artillery from residential areas and the acceptance that he Syrian leader will be treated with the same respect as a five-year-old at a Mensa debate.

It is uncertain at this point whether the deal will be accepted by Assad himself  as it is understood he has self-esteem and may be unwilling to serve in such a deputy position.

With pressure mounting, the Assad government is said to be seeking clarifications including whether the dictator would physically need to have his spine removed as part of the deal.

Transition of power

Speaking from Downing Street, British Prime Minister David Cameron backed the plan as an “excellent strategy for bringing an end to Bashar al-Assad’s political influence,” and confirmed he did not really “give a toss” who was deputy as he would be ignoring them anyway.

The Conservative leader promised that “as my number two, I would ensure Assad could do no further damage to anything other than his reputation.”

Mr Annan said an agreement would be an “important initial step” to bringing an end to the violence, and described how Mr Assad must implement the plan by forgoing his integrity and reducing his power to the equivalent of a 60 watt light bulb.

UN members privately hoped that the reduction of power would pave the way for Assad and his allies to be completely disposed in the next General Election.

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George Osborne Cuts 10% Rate of Income Tax Square in Monopoly


UNITED KINGDOM – In his latest budget, George Osborne has  announced plans to cut the rate of the Income Tax Square to five per cent for earnings over £10,000 during a game of Monopoly.

Speaking in front of Parliament, Mr Osborne said the current rate of 10 per cent had raised “next to nothing” and was causing many across the country to unexpectedly flip the board over in a huff.

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