Tag Archive | "christmas"

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CIA Used Torture To Obtain Santa’s Christmas List

WASHINGTON D.C. – Reports from the Senate Intelligence Committee report on the CIA’s use of torture reveal Santa was victim to brutal interrogation techniques to determine the contents of his Christmas list.

The 6000 page report details how the CIA carried out “enhanced interrogation” of Santa and his little helpers in efforts to “ascertain just who had been naughty and nice way ahead of Christmas.”

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Man Files For Divorce After Kid Sees Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

NEW JERSEY – A local man has filed for divorce after his wife was caught kissing Santa Claus in the late hours of Christmas Eve.

Gregory Carter, who took his family to Santa’s Grotto earlier in the year, confirmed he was ending his four-year marriage to his wife Nancy following evidence of an affair with the white-bearded gift giver.

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Edward Snowden Leak Reveals Extent of Santa Surveillance Program

NORTH POLE – Fresh leaks from whistleblower Edward Snowden have detailed the existence of a mass surveillance program used by Santa to monitor naughty and nice children.

Intelligence from Snowden exposes operational details about the Secret Liability Evading Intelligence Gathering Ho Ho Ho (SLEIGH) surveillance program.  Supposedly currently being used to monitor behaviours of children across the world without the permission of a parent, close relative or legal guardian.

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Kim Jong-Un Executes Uncle “To Reduce Hassle Of Christmas Shopping”

PYONGYANG – Kim Jong-Un has explained his decision to execute his uncle came after struggling to find a suitable Christmas gift for the “difficult” former regime advisor.

Reports within the country suggest the North Korean leader had begun the search for a gift before deciding it was less hassle to execute his uncle and move on to the remaining members of his family.

Jang Song-thaek was accused of returning up to four Christmas gifts given to him under previous regimes.

Tis the season

It’s understood the once powerful uncle was notoriously difficult to shop for and rumours had begun circulating that he would be removed from this year’s Christmas list.

Kim Jong-Un was confident holiday shopping would now be “much much” easier, though he was forced to admit the family Christmas dinner might be awkward.

North Korean state television described Mr Jang as “despicable human scum” and a “total ball ache to shop for”.

In lengthy article foaming with outraged rhetoric, North Korea’s official news agency accused Jang Song-thaek of plotting to return his Christmas gifts as early as November.

Mr Jang admitted his crimes in court and a death sentence was “immediately executed”.

The report said: “Jang Song-thaek dreamed such a foolish dream of receiving the perfect Christmas gift despite failing to give so much as a hint as to what kind of stuff he’s into.”

“He is then disappointed on Christmas Day and more often than not has the nerve to ask if you kept the receipt.”

“How are you supposed to shop for someone like that?”

Christmas shopping made easy

North Korean experts said the brutal move was a clear sign that there would be no backsies this festive season.

This after state media detailed previous presents that had been returned or gone unused by Song-thaek including a handmade “World’s Best Uncle” mug given to him by and eight-year-old Kim Jung-Un.

Now 30, the young dictator recalled “spending a whole weekend with mom making that mug and uncle never drank from it once.  What the hell dude?!”

The ruthless disposal of Mr Jang would have serious implications beyond Christmas according to one analyst, with birthdays and other gift giving seasons now under more scrutiny.

“I think what he’s telling people – family members and military personnel alike – is that when you receive your gift you need to be grateful.”

“Or there will be grave repercussions.”

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Santa Claus Latest Arrest In Jimmy Savile Investigation

UNITED KINGDOM – In a surprise criminal development, Santa Claus has been arrested and brought in for questioning as part of the police investigation related to the Jimmy Saville abuse claims.

Santa Claus is the latest high-profile individual to be caught up in the investigation initiated after the former DJ was subject to a line of abuse claims longer than a Peter Jackson Trilogy.

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Government Calls on Santa to Get More Poor Children on Nice List

UNITED KINGDOM – The government has called on Santa Claus to get more children from poorer backgrounds on to the Nice List after this year’s delivery of presents.

A recent Yuletide report has shown children from the poorest fifth of the population are much less likely to get on the list of nice children than those from the richest group.

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Santa’s Reindeer Call For Christmas Eve Strike Over Pay

SANTA’S WORKSHOP – Christmas plans have been thrown into turmoil after Blitzen, Dancer, Prancer and other reindeer threatened Santa with strike action on December 24th.

The move was announced after the Sleigh Puller’s Union voted 8-1 in favour of a Christmas Eve fly out in protest over pay during the holiday period.

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Pope To Further Reach Out To Young People By Skipping Christmas Mass

VATICAN – Following his arrival to Twitter, the Pope has outlined plans to double down on his efforts to reach young people by skipping this year’s Christmas Mass ceremony.

Pope Benedict XVI usually delivers the annual ceremony in front of thousands of devoted followers, but said he would “give it a miss” this year as he looked to target the young and lazy demographic to the Catholic Church.

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End Times #1 Excuse Given By Men Who Haven’t Begun Christmas Shopping

ENGLAND – A recent consumer survey suggests the Mayan doomsday prophecy is now the number one reason men everywhere have still not begun their Christmas shopping.

The survey found that 99% of men aged 25 to 50 pointed to the prophesied cataclysmic sequence of event on December 21st as the leading cause of an utter failure to plan their seasonal purchases for loved ones.

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Barack Obama Announces The Death of Waldo

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a dramatic late night press conference, President Barack Obama has announced the death of Waldo after years in hiding.

The president, standing in the East room of the White House, disclosed that the fugitive had been cornered by military personnel and was shot once in the chest and twice in the bobble hat after resisting capture.

The death of Waldo marks the most significant moment in U.S. national security “since we uncovered the Grinch’s plot to steal Christmas,” according to a White House spokeswoman.

‘Justice has been done’

Waldo was thought to have had help evading discovery from known associates including Wizard Whitebeard, a long time Homeland Security target and Gandalf impersonator.

Sources revealed traces of red and white fibre were discovered by operatives on page 8, allowing Waldo to be tracked to page 17 where he was eventually cornered at a beach house on page 23 and killed.

In sad news however, it was also disclosed that three look alikes were unfortunately gunned down before operatives eventually found the right man finding the target.

After conferring with his daughters “and the kid next door just to make sure”, the president gave the word to move in.

The news of Waldo’s death ends a nationwide manhunt and sparked an immediate outpouring of emotion from children aged five to seven and many young adults who spent decades in the search.

At bookstores across the country people gathered cheerily and began chanting “USA USA!”

One joyous individual cried “I’ve been searching for that bastard for over 6 years and never found him.”

“I thought I did once but it was just a candy cane.”

Found him

President Obama paused to give praise to former president George W Bush, who spent billions of dollars and many evenings flicking through pages to track down Waldo during his two terms as Commander In Chief.

Mr Obama closed his announcement with the following address:

“For over two decades, searching for Waldo has been the symbol of frustration for many Americans.  Matched only by the frustration felt when looking for your car keys to go to the grocery store to pick up the milk you need for the cereal you already poured out before you realised you were out of milk.”

Yet he was eager to urged caution, warning Americans to “remain vigilant against other unknowns”.

“We still don’t know how the cat got into the hat yet,” he reminded.

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