UNITED KINGDOM – In a surprise criminal development, Santa Claus has been arrested and brought in for questioning as part of the police investigation related to the Jimmy Saville abuse claims.
Santa Claus is the latest high-profile individual to be caught up in the investigation initiated after the former DJ was subject to a line of abuse claims longer than a Peter Jackson Trilogy.
UNITED KINGDOM – The government has called on Santa Claus to get more children from poorer backgrounds on to the Nice list after this year’s delivery of presents.
A recent Yuletide report has shown children from the poorest fifth of the population are much less likely to get on the list of nice children than those from the richest group.
SANTA’S WORKSHOP – Christmas plans have been thrown into turmoil after Blitzen, Dancer, Prancer and other reindeer threatened Santa with strike action on December 24th.
The move was announced after the Sleigh Puller’s Union voted 8-1 in favour of a Christmas Eve fly out out in protest over pay during the holiday period.
VATICAN – Following his arrival to Twitter, the Pope has outlined plans to double down on his efforts to reach young people by skipping this year’s Christmas Mass ceremony.
Pope Benedict XVI usually delivers the annual ceremony in front of thousands of devoted followers, but said he would “give it a miss” this year as he looked to target the young and lazy demographic to the Catholic Church.
ENGLAND – A recent consumer survey suggests the Mayan doomsday prophecy is now the number one reason men everywhere have still not begun their Christmas shopping.
The survey found that 99% of males aged 25 to 50 pointed to the prophesied cataclysmic sequence of event on December 21st as the leading cause of an utter failure to plan their seasonal purchases for loved ones.
With just two weeks to Christmas Day, researchers are predicting an 87% likelihood of disappointed faces across many households this year.
An End Times scenario in which a galactic alignment will bring about destruction of the planet as a result of devastating shifts in gravitational forces has topped last year’s excuse “Huh, what? Christmas?” Which has fallen to number three behind another new entry “Shhh. I’m watching Homeland.”
Professor Tracy Sloan said the findings were “as disappointing as they were conclusive” and warned women to set their expectations of receiving acceptable gifts to appropriately low levels.
“Our data shows the merest possibility of an end times like scenario, regardless of any actual scientific evidence, is leading males to push back their Christmas shopping plans until after the 21st of December.”
“We’ve found that men just don’t want to take the risk of putting significant thought and effort into a gift only for the world as we know it to come to an abrupt and deadly end.”
Greg Martins is just one participant in the survey who said he was waiting to see whether all life on the plant would be wiped out before making last minute trip to John Lewis.
“I’m just waiting to see if the planet is still in one piece before making my list d’you know what I mean?”
“It’s just common sense the way I see it. No point in getting work up and all that just to have the human race obliterated. You’d look like a right idiot.”
Should the prophesy not come to pass however, men would be left with just three days to shop for gifts. Two days less than the historical average according to previous data.
Retailers were predicting a 160% surge in the number of socks, hair spray and copies of Love Actually passed of as thoughtful presents in addition to an 80% increase in self-made offerings such as a Christmas mixtape.
Faced with those statistics, professor Sloan believes many men will wish the End Times did happen.
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a dramatic late night press conference, President Barack Obama has announced the death of Waldo after years in hiding.
The president, standing in the East room of the White House, disclosed that the fugitive had been cornered by military personnel and was shot once in the chest and twice in the bobble hat after resisting capture.
The death of Waldo marks the most significant moment in U.S. national security “since we uncovered the Grinch’s plot to steal Christmas,” according to a White House spokeswoman.
Waldo was thought to have had help evading discovery from known associates including Wizard Whitebeard, a long time Homeland Security target and Gandalf impersonator.
Sources revealed traces of red and white fibre were discovered by operatives on page 8, allowing Waldo to be tracked to page 17 where he was eventually cornered at a beach house on page 23 and killed.
In sad news however, it was also disclosed that three look alikes were unfortunately gunned down before operatives eventually found the right man finding the target.
After conferring with his daughters “and the kid next door just to make sure”, the president gave the word to move in.
The news of Waldo’s death ends a nationwide manhunt and sparked an immediate outpouring of emotion from children aged five to seven and many young adults who spent decades in the search.
At bookstores across the country people gathered cheerily and began chanting “USA USA!”
One joyous individual cried “I’ve been searching for that bastard for over 6 years and never found him.”
“I thought I did once but it was just a candy cane.”
President Obama paused to give praise to former president George W Bush, who spent billions of dollars and many evenings flicking through pages to track down Waldo during his two terms as Commander In Chief.
Mr Obama closed his announcement with the following address:
“For over two decades, searching for Waldo has been the symbol of frustration for many Americans. Matched only by the frustration felt when looking for your car keys to go to the grocery store to pick up the milk you need for the cereal you already poured out before you realised you were out of milk.”
Yet he was eager to urged caution, warning Americans to “remain vigilant against other unknowns”.
“We still don’t know how the cat got into the hat yet,” he reminded.
GREENLAND – Santa Claus has publicly defended the conditions inside his workshop following a five month undercover investigation into allegations of poor working conditions.
Mr Claus has spent Christmas morning fending off “sweatshop” claims after footage released today show workers in what as been described in an “inhuman” effort to manufacture enough gifts to supply the entire nice list.
Santa Claus denies all allegations.
Best known for its “ultra cheap” selection of toys, Santa’s Workshop regularly undercuts many of the world’s best known retailers.
Reports suggest Mr Claus forces workers into day-long shifts, paying them in “Christmas cheer” and circumventing employee law by calling those at the factory “Santa’s Little Helpers”.
Michelle Daniels, spokeswoman for a consumer watchdog gave details into the undercover report that lead to the revelations.
“We’ve followed this story for a number of Christmases now as it’s our belief that it is impossible to produce that volume of toys for the world’s nice children for free without cutting some major corners.”
In addition to brutal working hours, elves were also shown to be wearing uniforms “designed to strip them of their dignity.”
An anonymous source inside the North Pole facility seemed to corroborate the watchdog investigation.
“We’d work for hours breaking our backs to make these God damn toys and when it came time to get paid he’d just say ‘ho ho ho’.”
“That was his answer for everything. Are we getting overtime for this? ‘Ho ho ho’. Can we get a break? ‘Ho ho ho’. What’s happening with health insurance? ‘Ho freaking ho’.
Some at the workshop are even thought to be under the legal working elf age, though Mrs Daniels admitted it was hard to tell as they were all so small.
Speaking from his operational headquarters in Greenland, Santa refuted the findings of “gotcha journalism”, saying he was victim of a witch-hunt against the one percent of top toy makers.
Although the final report is still to be published, the public has nonetheless been troubled by the news.
“The prices are so low, but I never really thought about it until I saw this report,” confessed Diane Martins, a recipient of a several toys from Santa’s Workshop for over a decade.
“It does make you wonder how they’re able give them away from free. You just don’t think about what it really costs to make these toys when you’re five.”
ENGLAND – In a two-and-a-half hour parliamentary hearing, James Murdoch has continued to deny being told three years ago that Santa Claus was not a real person.
The News International chief had been accused of having an adult understanding of the North Pole resident, but has insisted that only until recently he was still under the impression that Santa would be delivering presents this year.
STAMFORD BRIDGE – Stunning developments out of Chelsea Football Club have seen owner Roman Abramovich sack newly appointed manager Andre Villas-Boas, just five days into his reign as Chelsea boss.
The move comes after growing concern of another trophyless fortnight for the Blues and insider sources have indicated Mr Abramovich wishes to act now than risk another week without silverware.
Chelsea currently stand fifth in the league in alphabetical order behind Bolton – an ‘unacceptable position’ according to many high ranking officials at the club.
Fans were understanding after hearing the news of the loss of their seventh manager since the Russian tycoon took control of the club.
“He had the money and the backing but didn’t make the most of it really,” said Paul Simons who was still waiting to buy is season ticket but agreed with the decision.
“I mean, with the players he had at his disposal he should be winning from day one. Literally.”
Apologising to fans, Villas-Boas still recalls the day he was told of the termination to his contract.
“I did not understand it. It has only been a few days, but Mr Abramovich showed me the contract which stated I needed to win at least two trophies by Sunday. I don’t know how I missed that.”
Commentator and football expert Martin Tyler agreed that “this is the way things are unfortunately, he was just not doing the job he was brought in to do. It’s as simple as that.”
“Four days and no trophy? That’s just not good enough for a club of Chelsea’s impatience.”
The manager did however lay some of the responsibility on the players – many of whom he had not met yet – saying they lacked the drive and passion that was expected to bring success back to the team before a ball had been kicked, as was required.
It’s not know if there is a candidate ready to take over in the crucial days before any competitions begin – but any new man would be expected to hit the ground running as Mr Abramovich remains eager to win silverware before the season starts.
Villas-Boas leaves the club with a record of zero games and zero trophies.
“Totally unacceptable!” spat chairman Bruce Buck.
The club will now turn their attention to finding a manager that could deliver the so far elusive Champions League trophy “ideally before Christmas.”
ENGLAND – HMV executives believe they are ‘very close’ to determining the reason for the company’s recent poor performance with insiders revealing that it may have something to do with “this thing called the internet”.
The past 13 months have seen HMV’s share price fall 75% and plans to close 60 locations in the next two years, leaving executives scrambling to determine the cause of such alarming figures.
The company had previously blamed the drop in sales on a lack of quality releases, singling out Lil’ Wayne’s latest failed attempt at coherent speech and anything with Miley Cyrus printed on the cover, but neither could explain the steady and prolonged decline seen by the retailer.
“We think we’re very close to the answer,” commented CEO Simon Fox. “We’ve been hearing a lot of buzz lately about something called ‘the internet’, so we’ve put our best people on it.”
Looking to reassure shareholders, Fox said he was now aware of technology and admitted that there could be a link between “the internet” and the reason why no one comes to their stores anymore.
The discovery could be the break the nation’s most famous chain have been praying for in a desperate bid to arrest the alarming slide of sales, which fell 10.2% over the Christmas period.
Mr Fox was confident that now the company was aware of the existence of “the internet”, they would study it and figure out what it is capable of, and even see if it could be utilised to aid business operations.
“We’ve got our smartest people looking into this ‘the internet’, trying to understand what it means for us,” confirmed Mr Fox who has given the green light to a further 12-month investigation into its capabilities.
He continued by saying: “We think we’re on to something here. The early signs suggest this could be big…bigger than the White Album even. Imagine a store on “the internet” where you can buy without actually having to come to leave your home.”
Although he did feel the concept of selling anything online may be “a little out there”, he confessed that the once proud provider of physical records and CDs would need to do something drastic to stay relevantfive years ago and beyond.
“I don’t think anyone else is thinking in this way, so if we crack this thing we could be back in business sooner rather than later.”
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