Tag Archive | "christmas"

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MPs Wake To Empty Christmas Stockings After Wishing For Brexit

UNITED KINGDOM – Several MPs have reported waking to empty stockings and nothing under their trees, despite a sustained campaign of wishing for a Brexit deal this Christmas.

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Donald Trump To Build Wall Around North Pole

NEW YORK – Donald Trump has announced a controversial plan to build a wall around the North Pole in order to keep “the wrong kind of presents from entering America.”

Trump declared that should he become president, he would build a “great great wall” between the North Pole and America to ensure only the “best, most classy presents” arrived under American Christmas trees on December 25th. He also added that Santa Claus would pay for the wall’s construction.

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CIA Used Torture To Obtain Santa’s Christmas List

WASHINGTON D.C. – Reports from the Senate Intelligence Committee report on the CIA’s use of torture reveal Santa was victim to brutal interrogation techniques to determine the contents of his Christmas list.

The 6000 page report details how the CIA carried out “enhanced interrogation” of Santa and his little helpers in efforts to “ascertain just who had been naughty and nice way ahead of Christmas.”

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Man Files For Divorce After Kid Sees Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

NEW JERSEY – A local man has filed for divorce after his wife was caught kissing Santa Claus in the late hours of Christmas Eve.

Gregory Carter, who took his family to Santa’s Grotto earlier in the year, confirmed he was ending his four-year marriage to his wife Nancy following evidence of an affair with the white-bearded gift giver.

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Edward Snowden Leak Reveals Extent of Santa Surveillance Program

NORTH POLE – Fresh leaks from whistleblower Edward Snowden have detailed the existence of a mass surveillance program used by Santa to monitor naughty and nice children.

Intelligence from Snowden exposes operational details about the Secret Liability Evading Intelligence Gathering Ho Ho Ho (SLEIGH) surveillance program.  Supposedly currently being used to monitor behaviours of children across the world without the permission of a parent, close relative or legal guardian.

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Kim Jong-Un Executes Uncle “To Reduce Hassle Of Christmas Shopping”

PYONGYANG – Kim Jong-Un has explained his decision to execute his uncle came after struggling to find a suitable Christmas gift for the “difficult” former regime advisor.

Reports within the country suggest the North Korean leader had begun the search for a gift before deciding it was less hassle to execute his uncle and move on to the remaining members of his family.

Jang Song-thaek was accused of returning up to four Christmas gifts given to him under previous regimes.

Tis the season

It’s understood the once powerful uncle was notoriously difficult to shop for and rumours had begun circulating that he would be removed from this year’s Christmas list.

Kim Jong-Un was confident holiday shopping would now be “much much” easier, though he was forced to admit the family Christmas dinner might be awkward.

North Korean state television described Mr Jang as “despicable human scum” and a “total ball ache to shop for”.

In lengthy article foaming with outraged rhetoric, North Korea’s official news agency accused Jang Song-thaek of plotting to return his Christmas gifts as early as November.

Mr Jang admitted his crimes in court and a death sentence was “immediately executed”.

The report said: “Jang Song-thaek dreamed such a foolish dream of receiving the perfect Christmas gift despite failing to give so much as a hint as to what kind of stuff he’s into.”

“He is then disappointed on Christmas Day and more often than not has the nerve to ask if you kept the receipt.”

“How are you supposed to shop for someone like that?”

Christmas shopping made easy

North Korean experts said the brutal move was a clear sign that there would be no backsies this festive season.

This after state media detailed previous presents that had been returned or gone unused by Song-thaek including a handmade “World’s Best Uncle” mug given to him by and eight-year-old Kim Jung-Un.

Now 30, the young dictator recalled “spending a whole weekend with mom making that mug and uncle never drank from it once.  What the hell dude?!”

The ruthless disposal of Mr Jang would have serious implications beyond Christmas according to one analyst, with birthdays and other gift giving seasons now under more scrutiny.

“I think what he’s telling people – family members and military personnel alike – is that when you receive your gift you need to be grateful.”

“Or there will be grave repercussions.”

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Santa Claus Latest Arrest In Jimmy Savile Investigation

UNITED KINGDOM – In a surprise criminal development, Santa Claus has been arrested and brought in for questioning as part of the police investigation related to the Jimmy Saville abuse claims.

Santa Claus is the latest high-profile individual to be caught up in the investigation initiated after the former DJ was subject to a line of abuse claims longer than a Peter Jackson Trilogy.

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Government Calls on Santa to Get More Poor Children on Nice List

UNITED KINGDOM – The government has called on Santa Claus to get more children from poorer backgrounds on to the Nice List after this year’s delivery of presents.

A recent Yuletide report has shown children from the poorest fifth of the population are much less likely to get on the list of nice children than those from the richest group.

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Santa’s Reindeer Call For Christmas Eve Strike Over Pay

SANTA’S WORKSHOP – Christmas plans have been thrown into turmoil after Blitzen, Dancer, Prancer and other reindeer threatened Santa with strike action on December 24th.

The move was announced after the Sleigh Puller’s Union voted 8-1 in favour of a Christmas Eve fly out in protest over pay during the holiday period.

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Pope To Further Reach Out To Young People By Skipping Christmas Mass

VATICAN – Following his arrival to Twitter, the Pope has outlined plans to double down on his efforts to reach young people by skipping this year’s Christmas Mass ceremony.

Pope Benedict XVI usually delivers the annual ceremony in front of thousands of devoted followers, but said he would “give it a miss” this year as he looked to target the young and lazy demographic to the Catholic Church.

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