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UN Deploy Hawk Eye To Determine Whether Syria Has Crossed the Line


SYRIA – The United Nations has chosen to use Hawk-Eye technology in Syria in order to determine when the Assad regime crosses the line in it’s crackdown on rebel forces.

The British based Hawk Eye – already used in tennis, cricket and football – will now also be deployed in the Middle East to determine the exact moment a Syria crosses the line to within a millisecond of chemical weapons being used.

If successful, the system could be rolled out to future sites of violent crackdowns.

Long overdue

Despite multiple reports of chemical weapons use, the U.S. remain unsure whether the Syrian Government has indeed crossed the line, prompting the use of Hawk Eye in the current conflict.

The UN began exploring the possibility of using similar technology during Darfur and then Secretary General, Kofi Annan, has been a long standing proponent.

“War crimes are fundamentally a simple occurrence in the merciless suppression of civil unrest.  So, when one is committed, and we have the ability through technology to definitively know whether the transgressor crossed the line we should absolutely use it,” he said speak in last week.

However, there has been push back against the use of technologies with some countries fearing the use of Hawk Eye like systems would take the human element out of causing human suffering.

“It is all about those discussions moments after a regime may or may not have used chemical weapons on its own people,” said a Russian delegate.  “Uncertainty is part of the drama, no?”

China have also voiced concerns, suggesting having to check Hawk Eye would “slow down the pace at which a country’s civil war descends into utter and irreversible chaos.”

‘War will remain the same’

UN officials have stressed the technology would only be used to determine whether war crimes had been committed, not lesser atrocities such as the shelling of homes.

Addressing concerns, inventor Paul Hawkins added: “It will not slow a civil war down.  In under a second we will provide the information, then afterwards we will show a replay that will definitively prove whether one side or the other has committed unspeakable crimes against humanity.”

Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon welcomed the introduction of the technology as “momentous” and reminded delegates that when it came to knowing whether a violently oppressive dictatorship hell-bent on crushing any opposition to total rule, “we have to know the moment that dictatorship crosses the line.”

“It’s as simple as that.”

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Bank of England Use Fifa Ranking Formula to Show Economy Growing at 98%


UNITED KINGDOM – The Bank of England has increased its growth forecast from 0.8% to approximately 98% since employing the same formula Fifa uses to rank international football teams.

Bank economists are hopeful the same logic defying calculations that resulted in England being named the world’s third best footballing nation can help boost the fortunes of the British economy.

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Olympics: Incredible Hulk Protests Innocence Amid Doping Controversy


LONDON – The Incredible Hulk is fighting to save his reputation after being accused of taking performance enhancing substances during the London Olympics.

The damning allegation followed a series of “disturbing” gold medal performances in the men’s weightlifting contest which saw the Hulk destroy the world record by approximately five metric tonnes.

However, he did go on to lose to China’s Zhang Jike in the table tennis singles final.

Cheat speculation

Commentators were stunned at a performance in which he successfully lifted 94 kg plus an additional 5000 kg “as if it was nothing” then went on to throw a television crew van clear of the grounds before leaping over the Olympic stadium to the nearby velodrome in a single bound.

Several officials in attendance suggested “serious questions” needed to be asked, though the allegations sparked angry reactions from the coaching team and comic book geeks alike.

Hulk has denied taking any banned substances having already passed a drugs test prior to the start of the games.  He has been cleared to compete in his remaining events including the shot put, 200m hurdles and the 3 km long jump over buildings.

The news represents the biggest controversy at the Olympic games since Popeye was handed a lifetime ban in 1996 having been found guilty of consuming large quantities of performance enhancing salad.

Since then drug testing standards have tightened significantly, but Russian coach Sergei Pavlenko believes it is still possible for gaps to be exploited.

“No system can be foolproof,” argued Pavlenko.  “You saw same thing as me.  What he did, it’s not natural.“

“The way he flip truck over like child throw toys?”

“And the veins on his neck.  I’m just saying IOC must take closer look at this guy.”

‘Hulk strongest there is’

In a brief but strongly worded statement the seven foot, 1040 pound athlete categorically stated: “Hulk no drug cheat,” before adding: “Hulk smash hurtful lies.”

He attributed his success to a rigorous training schedule and hard work and has been backed by his coaches who have all dismissed doping claims as sour grapes.

“Hulk practise.  Coach good,” explained the gigantic humanoid.  “Hulk never lazy. Hulk train hard.”

Head coach Captain America also moved to make clear that “Hulk is 100% clean.  No way he’s juicing.”

“Hulk puts his all into every event he enters,” he insisted.  “He gets over excited sometimes but I don’t think that should count against him.”

An investigation is under way.

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2112: Goal Line Technology “Almost Ready” Say Fifa


PLANET EARTH – Fifa President Sepp Blatter has given football fans encouragement by announcing goal line technology is “very close” to being introduced into professional football.

The disembodied head of Earth’s chief football organisation claimed the latest version of Hawkeye – now using triangulation software capable of pinpointing the location of a football from two solar systems away – was nearly ready for prime time.

“The technology is showing signs of maturity,” Blatter said in an interview with renowned football pundit Bloxxar Kurg of planet Coca-Cola Prime Nine.

‘We’re almost there’

Generations of talks between Fifa, the Football Association and Hawkeye have resulted in the agreement for one more test to make “triple sure” the technology could be relied upon.

Blatter reminded collection of the Galaxies football associations that there was “no quick fix” to determining when a ball has crossed a line like there was for easy issues such as world hunger, global warming and curing all forms of cancer, which have all been solved.

The camera based system is set to be trialed in a friendly between the Chinese Republic of England and Disneyland, formerly known as Greece.

Fifa officials are said to be warming to the idea that technology could be integrated into a football match for something other than advertising.

The decision to augment fundamental decision making with unobtrusive technology “is not one to make lightly,” said the head of Sepp Blatter.  “I have always said we do not want the game of football to be slowed down.”

“We could not bear it if our beautiful game was reduced to something like the speed at which we have come to this decision.  It would ruin the game.”

No rush

Calls for goal line technology have increased with a number of dubious decisions marring high-profile games.

Most notable was in the final of the 2110 Fifa Galaxy Cup which saw Mars beat the skilled team from Planet Appleonia by three goals to two after Mars’ third goal was judged to have crossed the line by the six-eyed official.

Video replays beamed directly into the memories of the crowd 1.8 nanoseconds after the incident proved otherwise but the referee from planet Google-5 were powerless to change the decision.

Appleonians were left fuming after the match: “All those eyes and he couldn’t see the ball hadn’t crossed the line in a million light years,” cried one belligerent fan.

“We need goal line technology now – we can’t afford to wait something ridiculous like 100 years.”

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United States To End All Manned Missions To Space Mountain


DISNEYLAND - In a blow for U.S. space ambitions, the White House has confirmed it will end all manned missions to Space Mountain from 2013.

The decision is part of ongoing changes in the national space policy which document the withdrawal of American interests in a number of space themed rides due to budgets reductions.

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United States: Iran “Leading The Race” To Host World War III


PENTAGON – U.S. officials have confirmed Iran are now leading the race to host World War III after a failed rocket launch led to an embarrassing setback from close rivals North Korea.

A decision will be made soon about where the third global military showcase, which will see aerial assaults, ground incursions, and the popular 100 metre sprint, takes place.

Organisers agreed that technically Iran have the superior bid in that technically they could be developing weapons of mass destruction.

Qualified candidate

World War III is expected to attract the biggest names in military prowess and as host nation, Iran would have safe passage to the finals without having to qualify by attacking nearby smaller countries.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad graciously accepted the frontrunner status in front of an impressive “Death To America” banner where he confirmed he would “never” halt the country’s uranium enrichment programme.

In an effort to bolster Iran’s chance of securing host status, he went on to publicly deny Israel’s right to exist – a clear sign of pandering to the selection committee which includes an Israeli delegation.

The committee, chaired United States and Britain are currently searching for a suitable venue to follow from a highly successful World War in Germany.

‘They tick all the boxes’

Such is the progress the Iranian bid has made that talks are already underway to hold a series of bombing raids on targeted facilities to test their readiness for a full campaign.

“They’ve put together an impressive package,” said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who had been impressed with Iran’s grandstanding and failure to cooperate with UN regulators on nuclear inspections.

Mrs Clinton noted: “Iran have a bid that appears to have it all.  Including an authoritarian regime lead by a belligerent head of state not afraid to spew crazy rhetoric toward the West when in front of a camera, and easy access to Israel where many competitors will be travelling from.”

Iran’s bid now looks to be the only serious option on the table.  After North Korea’s failed rocket launch U.S. committee have questioned whether the communist state are fully prepared to host such an important event.

Missed opportunity

“That rocket fiasco was a major setback for North Korean hopes,” said an aide to the Obama administration.  “If they had gotten that right we would definitely be looking at them as a potential candidate to host this war.”

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates was more scathing in his analysis.

“We’re talking about the largest and most expensive military campaign in the world.  You’ve got to be able to launch a God damn rocket into space!  How else will we be able to fabricate a preconceived narrative to justify hosting a long and drawn out military event in their country?”

“They’ve definitely blown their chance.  Absolute shambles,” he added.

It’s thought an outside bid could come from China but Mr Gates admitted it was unlikely as “we still owe them, a bucketload of cash…so they can pretty much get away with what they want to.”

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Western Panic Eases After Chinese Missile Break Apart During Use


BEIJING – Fears over a growing Chinese military threat have lifted today after reports that several anti-aircraft ballistic missiles have fallen apart during repeat use.

The Dong Feng 21D missile was schedule for a test after officials in China sought to give a second demonstration of its military capability, but the planned exercise was halted when missiles abruptly stopped working in mid-air before collapsing under their own weight due to an unspecified manufacturing defect.

Reports confirm the parts have been returned to their original manufacturer less than two miles from the test site.

‘Cheap ass missiles’

One eye-witness said the missile appeared to work fine the first time they were used, “but they just fell apart only moments into this demonstration like a cheap piece of crap.”

In an unfortunate turn, several members of the cleanup crew were also admitted to a nearby hospital with suspected lead poisoning shortly after gathering the defunct missile pieces for repairs.

Chinese official have warned a meeting of military officials not to any part f the  ballistic missile in “direct contact with your mouths for health and safety.”

A military product watchdog magazine said the failed military exercise was a blow for as it could not recommend the DF-21D as a method to threaten the West until the manufacturing defaults were identified and fixed.

“They were brand new missiles!  We only used them once so what gives?” Questioned a frustrated Hu Jintao.  The Chinese leader said it would be the last time he bought anything from “this damned country” again.

In a press conference, US president Barack Obama hailed the failed military exercise as a positive for US security while disclosing that he was never worried about the threat.

“We knew this was going to happen eventually,” said Present Obama.  “The outcome is no surprise to anyone among us who has brought stuff from China and had it break within a week.”

Made in China

UK Prime Minister David Cameron echoed US confidence and stated that “until Chinese manufacturing was at least as good as Indonesia least,” the west had notion to fear.

The incident is expected to raises serious questions over the endurance of Chinese military equipment, but Hu Jintao refused to accept China’s influence would diminish as a result of poor manufacturing.

He did however admit they should have got their missiles made in Korea as “the manufacturing quality is second to none over there.”

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China Scolds US For Bringing Home ‘Shameful’ Grades


BEIJING – China has launched an astonishing attack on the United States after it received ‘shameful’ grades in it’s latest credit rating report card.

Despite scraping triple A’s from Moody’s and Fitch and a AAA+ in PE, the AA+ grade means the US has fallen ‘well short’ of Chinese expectations, having failed the economic portion of finals exams.

Expressing their ‘severe disappointment’, largest holder of US treasury bills said it would not tolerate someone they provide ongoing financial support to bring home anything less than straight triple A’s.

They also warned if the grades didn’t pick up fast they would hand out “one hell of a spanking.”

Must do better

A spokesperson for the S&P said the outcome could have been avoided if the US had just studied well ahead of time for the debt ceiling portion of examinations instead of trying to cram meaningful debate on a balanced, growth oriented economic policy the night before.

China are thought to be particularly disappointed over America’s failure considering “we buy everything for them so they can to focus on getting good grades.”

A Chinese official was quoted as saying: “Why they not get triple A huh?  AA+ not good enough.  Maybe in Belgium’s house, but not here.  They may as well bring home F.  Same thing!”

The source also confirmed there was ‘no way’ this report card would be put on the fridge.

To make matters worse the agency issued a negative outlook, meaning the US could be forced to sit in the Special Ed classes with Ireland and Greece if it continued it’s downward slide.

‘Where did we go wrong?’

China have now called on the US to get itself get a tutor and increase the number of hours it spent studying amid worries the downgrade would prevent the world’s largest economy to get into a good Ivy League school.

For it’s part, the United States blamed the fall in grades on the fact it was “going through some stuff right now, okay.”

A spokeswoman for the S&P did offer some optimism for concerned China, reminding that the top grade was only missed by a mere margin of endless bi-partisan bickering, which could be improved by taking extra classes.

She added: “If America buckles down, studies hard and makes a real effort to move beyond childlike partisan politics it might avoid having to repeat the year.”

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Sesame Street Cast To Explain Government To Washington


WASHINGTON – The makers of hit show Sesame Street have invited members of congress to a special taping of the show designed to teach them how governments should work.

The US risks defaulting on its financial obligations if a budget deal is not struck by August 2nd, with both sides failing to get beyond party rhetoric.

Along with the president, leading members of Congress interacted with the Sesame Street cast as they negotiated an agreement on the trash ceiling: the upper limit of garbage Oscar the Grouch is allowed to pile up around his sidewalk home.

‘G’ is for government

Executive producer Carol-Lynn Parente believes the show, a hit with pre-schoolers, could teach members of congress the fundamentals of the job they have been elected to do.

“We’ve crafted a range of fun and visually stimulating scenarios to engage them,” she explained.  “With the very complex subject of deciding whether to keep the economy running or not, sometimes you just need to go back to basics.”

Another scenario saw Cookie Monster learn to manage the cookie supply, responsibly managing consumption and distribution so he wouldn’t be forced to beg China for more in the future.

Early reactions were positive, but there were worrying signs with many congressmen said to be ‘visually stunned’ when an amicable decision between Oscar, Big Bird, Elmo and Grover was arrived at well within the show’s 60 minute duration.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, House majority leader Eric Cantor struggled to understand why the cookies weren’t reserved for the top 2% of Sesame Street earners.

Rosemarie Truglio, VP for education and research advised that not every congressmen would be able to grasp the concepts of constructive and respectful dialogue right away.  “Eric just needs some time to wrap his mind around it.”

‘Can you tell me how to get to a consensus?’

Despite reports that “Barack was a little confused when Big Bird showed leadership to bring all sides to an agreement,” Parente was optimistic the lessons would sink in.

She did show concern however when at one point John Boehner asked when the muppets would start the petty squabbling and name calling.

“We’ve successfully educated difficult children before but this was a real struggle,” she confessed wearily.  “Many of them have no real idea of how to overcome bi-partisan bickering to reach a compromise.”

“We’ve tried to make it a simple as we can.  If they don’t get it now, we’re screwed.”

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China To Bring Human Rights Violations Down To “Reasonable Levels”


BEIJING – After calling the current level of human rights violations shameful, China have vowed to bring the number of atrocities “down to acceptable levels.”

Addressing the international community, Chinese President Hu Jintao committed to seeing the recorded cases of torture and abuse suffered by dissidents at the hands of the government reduced by “at least 50% over the next four years.”

He is said to be saddened to learn that the number abuse cases caused by state officials was six times the acceptable limit and pledged to “tone it down.”

Improving standards

It’s also thought that lowering the current figures will help with administration as trying to hide evidence of that many violations is very hard work, according to the government.

President Hu acknowledged that a lot will need to be done in China to bring acts of human depravity in line with international standards.

Asked to justify China’s human rights record, Mr Hu conceded it was “pretty high, there’s no denying that.  We got carried away over the last few decades – sorry about that.”

“We’ve heard the feedback and will endeavour to reduce our figures to something much more palatable.”

The Chinese government is to issue guidelines to make it clear what constituted torture and what was simply enhanced disagreement.

China also agreed to outsource the bulk of it’s current abuse management to countries in the Middle East  in a model similar to that used in the west which could see a further 17% reduction in recorded cases year over year.

“We will let someone else carry out unspeakable treatment of prisoners on our behalf, so those numbers won’t count against us.”

‘We’re working on it’

Hu assured skeptics by also announcing a bi-annual report into the number of atrocities committed to demonstrate to the international community that they were serious about staying within what was known as the “green zone” of human suffering rates.

They warned however, that they could not bring the total to zero as there would always be a “natural level of government sponsored abuse that could not be avoided.”

Still, he remained optimistic about reach the stated target:

“We think a couple dozen abuse violations per officer per a month is reasonable for a country of our size.  At least that’s less people than watch Jersey Shore.”

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