Tag Archive | "catholic church"

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Say Something ‘Bout Mama And “Get Got” Warns Pope Francis

PHILIPPINES – Pope Francis has issued a strong public warning, suggesting in no uncertain terms that anyone who cursed his mother could “get got”.

His comments followed the fatal attack on satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo in Paris and comes just days after the pontiff banned all “yo mama” jokes within the Catholic church.

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Kanye West Interrupts Pope Francis Person Of The Year Speech

VATICAN – Kanye West has sparked more controversy after interrupting the Pope Francis’ acceptance speech for the Person of the Year award.

The 77-year-old pontiff, collecting his award at the Vatican, was left humiliated as West appeared to grab the microphone and launch into a passionate diatribe.

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Pope Benedict Admits God No Longer Answering His Phone Calls

VATICAN – Pope Benedict XVI has admitted for the first time that God has not been returning his calls as often as He used to since leaving his post at the Vatican.

The former head of the Catholic Church revealed as many as eight calls to God in the past week alone have gone unanswered.

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Pope To Further Reach Out To Young People By Skipping Christmas Mass

VATICAN – Following his arrival to Twitter, the Pope has outlined plans to double down on his efforts to reach young people by skipping this year’s Christmas Mass ceremony.

Pope Benedict XVI usually delivers the annual ceremony in front of thousands of devoted followers, but said he would “give it a miss” this year as he looked to target the young and lazy demographic to the Catholic Church.

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“Consensual Man Woman Relations Is Where We Draw The Line,” Say Catholic Church

VATICAN – The Pope has accepted the resignation of a shamed bishop found guilty of having a sexual relationship with a “grown woman” who was “very close to his own age”.

After being photographed hugging the woman in question, officials believe bishop Fernando Bargallo had no option but to vacate his position “or risk bringing Catholicism into disrepute.”

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Pope Benedict Urges Church to End ‘Difficult’ Easter Egg Hunt

VATICAN CITY – In his Easter Sunday message Pope Benedict XVI has urged the Catholic Church to call an end to the traditional Easter egg hunt and tell him where the rest of the eggs are hidden.

During Mass in St. Peter’s Square, Benedict voiced his concerns that the annual Catholic Church egg hunt was proving overly challenging having found just two of the suspected 20 eggs hidden in the Vatican.

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Penn State Converts Itself Into Catholic Church To Avoid Scrutiny

PENNSYLVANIA – Penn State college has filed to reclassify itself as a Catholic Church in a bid to avoid further scrutiny following allegations of systematic child sex abuse.

The board of trustees agreed the best way to avoid further details of systematic child molestation was to convert the college football institution into a branch of the Catholic Church.

In an earlier briefing, a university spokesman made clear to Penn State employees “that from this moment, as far as we are concerned…nothing happened.”

‘What molestation?’

Though the Vatican are yet to give an official statement, sources within Rome are thought to have concerns over the addition of members that could only keep child abuse scandals secret for “a mere 15 years.”

Athletic director Tim Curley, who denied cover up charges, responded to the revelations unequivocally:

“This is a tragic situation and frankly we were disgusted to learn that such vile and monstrous practises had taken place in this very establishment for so long without a single decent person involved having the moral fortitude to step out and say something to stop such atrocities from being committed on the most trusting, vulnerable and innocent individuals in our society.”

However, when questioned the university’s new status, Curley appeared more forgiving: “Oh that?  That’s all water under the bridge now.  I can’t even remember who was raping who for over a decade.”

‘Dodged a bullet’

Former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky, who was arrested a week ago on 40 counts of child abuse, is said to be looking forward to the case against him being swept under the rug to begin his new role as assistant priest of Penn State college Pigskin Parish.

Former senior VP for finance and business, and current senior bishop for finance and business Gary Schultz outlined plans that will see existing school facilities re-purposed for the transition into religious institution.

“Now that we are a Catholic Church, we are going to restructure all equipment storage spaces into a range of confessional booths for other people to confess their sins to us.”

“The field will no longer be used for weekly football games but will facilitate weekly mass instead,” he continued.

“The changing room showers where Jerry Sandusky was found to be sexually abusing a 10-year-old boy.  Those will remain unchanged.”

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