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Miley Cyrus To Kill Goat, Drink Its Blood At Next MTV Performance

CALIFORNIA – Rumours surrounding pop star Miley Cyrus suggests she plans to kill a goat and drink its blood in her performance at next year’s MTV Video Music Awards.

The singer, who smoked a joint at the EMA Music Awards is reportedly planning her next shocking act in a bid to remain marginally relevant for a few more months.

Rehab clinics immediately backed the star’s plans with Betty Ford Clinic officials already saving a room for the 20-year-old.

Pushing boundaries

According to sources close to Miley Cyrus, her next VMA set would “almost certainly” consist of the star entering the stage riding a mountain goat, performing the hit Wrecking Ball while atop the goat before dismounting to slowly strangle the goat to death and cutting the goat open to drink its blood on stage.

She would then close her performance by twerking to the Hannah Montana hit Pumpin’ Up the Party wearing the goat’s skin and shooting heroin into her veins.

If the rumours prove true, music experts agree she could expect her next album to go straight to number one.

Her publicist wouldn’t be drawn on specifics but did acknowledge the former child star needed to “up her game” if she wanted to keep selling records.

“If Miley wants to keep her music career going for even another year she knows she has to do more.”

Miley Cyrus herself was tight-lipped about her future plans, saying she was thinking only as far as her next tour date where she is due to have sex with a llama.

Shock value

Music experts are now debating whether the proposed performance would be a step too far, while many were simply in awe that the star found any time for music.

“Miley has already done so much to push forward the idea of what a stage performance should be with her blend of pop music and early onset mental breakdown,” said David Clark, music writer for GQ Magazine.

“But you do worry she is trying to do it all too fast.  Even Britney waited till she was 26 before shaving her head.”

Cyrus supposedly passed on other performance options which include kicking a poodle and defecating on Justin Bieber, but Clark dismissed the thought that she would soon run out of ideas to stay in the news, insisting “she’s not even close.”

“Besides, she knows she can always shock us by actually singing a decent song.”

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Apple To Launch New iPhone With Pre Cracked Screen

CALIFORNIA – Apple have confirmed it will follow up with a new version of the iPhone that has the screen already broken and cracked beyond repair.

The announcement was made at a press conference where Apple chief executive Tim Cook said that “the way our customers use their phones undoubtedly tells us that what they want is a version of the iPhone with the screen all smashed up” before declaring: “and here it is.”

The new iPhone will contain a reinforced steel casing, have a brushed aluminium back and a host of unseemly shatter marks across the face of the phone.

‘Cracked is the new white’

Early reports had suggested the company was facing production problems, in that they were having problem completely smashing enough screens in time for release, but these were quickly refuted by Mr Cook.

Apple will release the new iPhone in two models: single scratch for $199 (£120) and shattered for $299 (£180).

Speaking at the company’s Cupertino headquarters, vice president Phil Schiller said he was confident the new look phone would be welcomed by fans thus far forced to drop their new phones on a hard surface to get the same.

“With the new iPhone, you’ll get that feature right out of the box,” said Schiller who assured “each crack has been lovingly smashed right into the glass surface of every new iPhone.”

If the new model proved popular as expected, the market could see a new iPad sold with glaring scratches across its face and new Macbooks with bullet holes in the screen by the next fiscal year.

Following the launch, Apple reassured owners of older iPhone models that they could take their phone into their nearest Apple store to be upgraded to the latest model.

“We’ve made the upgrade process extremely simple and can be done in a matter of seconds by any trained member of staff with a hammer.”

Pleasing the market

Reading from his new iPhone, tech analyst David Finley reported the company’s stock had gone up by 12 points, “though that could be a 16. There are so many shatter marks I can barely see what’s on the screen – it’s great.”

The new devices were also well received by early adopters in line at Apple’s flagship New York store.

“I just dropped my phone on the driveway and now the screen is damaged beyond repair,” iPhone 5 owner Ben Johnson told reporters.

“So this new iPhone has come just in time.”

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NASA To Land Second Curiosity Rover On Jersey Shore

NEW JERSEY – Following the start of Mars Curiosity Rover’s search for evidence of  life, NASA have announced the subsequent launch of a second Rover to the set of Jersey Shore.

The decision to explore the barren wasteland comes as the organisation looks to confirm whether the reality show is able to support anything that can be classed as intelligent life.

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United States To End All Manned Missions To Space Mountain

DISNEYLAND – In a blow for U.S. space ambitions, the White House has confirmed it will end all manned missions to Space Mountain from 2013.

The decision is part of ongoing changes in the national space policy which document the withdrawal of American interests in a number of space themed rides due to budgets reductions.

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EA Announce NBA Lockout 2012 For All Major Consoles

CALIFORNIA – Video game giant Electronic Arts have announced development of their “ground breaking” sports game NBA Lockout 2012 is now complete.

Gamers will be able to play through endless periods of strike action and contract negotiations in the most life-like simulation of basketball players not playing basketball to date, according to Chief Operating Officer Peter Moore.

Moore is confident players will have the full lockout experience in their living room as they compete all the way to a court of law in an ‘exhilarating’ campaign of lengthy revenue sharing arbitration.

It’s in the game

“We’ve captured the true essence of the current 2011-2012 NBA season,” said Peter Moore.

“That’s why most of the game will see players take control of NBA stars standing around in suits, going into closed-door meeting before emerging to blame the other side for the absence of any agreement.”

Early previews have been generally positive.  Video gaming site IGN declared the title “The most accurate representation of a bunch of millionaires and billionaires fighting over more money that most fans would know what to do with.”

“The sense of frustration is so realistic,” raved one reviewer.  “You can literally feel your blood boil as the players call another press conference to announce why they still haven’t worked out a deal to start the damn season.”

“If you want the best lockout experience on any console and don’t have ESPN, this is the game for you!”

Pixel for pixel

A Gamespot preview praised the all new animation system, revamped using the latest motion capture technology to accurately model players as they shuffle in their seats and shake their heads to turn down another deal offered by owners.

An EA spokesman indicated further DLC is understood to be in the works, with the first release expected to add updated audio tracks of the latest excuses from players and bosses over why a deal still hasn’t gone through.

When asked how much playing time was on the disc Moore replied: “We’re not actually sure.  No one has managed to complete the game yet.”

“But at the rate things are going, Lockout 2013 is going to be even better.”

NBA Lockout 2012 is scheduled for release on Xbox 360, PS3, Wii and PC.


Following the game’s completion, EA distributed the following press release:

“Electronic Arts Inc. (NASDAQ: ERTS) announced today that EA SPORTS™ NBA Lockout 12 will be in retail stores now throughout North America once an appropriate revenue sharing deal can be reached between developer and publisher divisions of the company.

NBA Lockout 2012 features exciting new gameplay enhancements, including ground-breaking lack of common ground, all-new finger-pointing mechanics, and the legendary David Stern bringing more unforgettable moments of false hope.

In addition, outside of the 30 current NBA teams, gamers will have the ability to select from this years rosters of legal representatives, agents, trade association members and team owners as they all sit around and argue over who should be made slightly richer.

NBA Lockout 2012 is rated “E” for Everyone – unless you want to see some actually basketball being played.”

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Schwarzenegger Admits Jingle All the Way Still Biggest Regret

CALIFORNIA – Despite facing a highly fractious divorce due to revelations of an affair leading to public disclosure of a secret love child, Arnold Schwarzenegger has admitted his biggest regret in life remains his starring role in Jingle all the Way.

In 1996, the former body builder played a father on a quest to paper over years of neglect with a single toy, an ill-fated career move that brought “terrible shame to the once credible Terminator star.”

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Man Who Played Obama in 2008 Election To Run in 2012

SAN DIEGO – The man who played candidate Obama in the 2008 presidential election has announced that he will run for president himself in 2012.

Jerry Williams, a professional Barack Obama impersonator, made the announcement during a speaking gig were he had been hired to play the president as a reminder to a group of young Democrats of what they voted for three years ago.

Williams was employed by the Obama campaign team to deliver captivating speeches filled with inspiring promises of a brighter future, but split from the team before the election win over his habit of “going overboard with the rhetoric at times.”

Impersonations you can believe in

The Californian native who said that the failure of the president to even try and make good on the promises he made on the campaign trail lead him launch his own campaign this year.

A run in 2012 would not only see him go against the incumbent but against fellow political impersonator Sarah Palin, who Williams described as “one of the best in the business”.

Eager to stress the difference between himself and president Obama, he highlighted “increased government transparency, ending the Bush-era tax cuts, curbing lobbyists, Iraq, shutting down of Guantanamo, reducing drone bombings, halting the expansion of the Patriot Act’s encroachment on civil liberties, putting an end to extraordinary rendition or even bringing meaningful reform to the banking industry,” as just a few examples of things he stood for in 2008 but Barack Obama had no intention of delivering.

“To this day people still can’t tell us apart.  I remember guys coming up to me saying: ‘Yo Barack, I love your message of hope and change man’,  and I would say: ‘I’m Jerry, but thanks’.”

I can’t believe it’s not change

With an estimated $400 million made from speaking engagements as the presidential impersonator, Williams’ reelection campaign kicked off with a fundraiser where his campaign received a boost after being endorsed by a Denzel Washington impersonator and two Al Sharpton lookalikes.

Even with the positive start, the Obama lookalike who performed so exceptionally in the 2008 race expected a hard battle to come against the current president.

Steven Curry, a political strategist was confident that despite the physical similarities voters would have no issue telling the two men apart as “one is a charismatic figure that seems able to walk on water as he delivers an impassioned message of a better future, and the other has been president since ’08.”

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Sarah Palin Visits Zoo To Boost Foreign Experience

CALIFORNIA – Following recent trips to India and Israel, Sarah Palin has made a visit to San Diego Zoo in a last grasp effort to gain foreign policy experience. 

For the former Alaska governor, the trip to San Diego Zoo – which provides access to animals from Africa, Europe and Asia among others – offers a chance to distinguish herself and at the same time burnish her famously weak foreign experience as she hits back at criticism over her lack of world experience.

The former vice presidential candidate also bought a Churro which she was sure came from Mexican.

World traveller

“This park has over 800 species from all over the globe,” she noted while reading the trivia on the back of her day pass.  “Has Obama been to see the Hissing Cockroaches of Madagascar?  I don’t think so.”

It’s thought that the trip has been panned ahead of a presidential run, which politcal analysts say could prove a masterstroke as it allows her to visit some of the most foreign places on earth within the zoo’s 9am to 6pm opening hours.

The Sea Lions Rock! show was supposed to be her first visit of the day, but she was turned away as the animals were said to be ‘feeling poorly’ that day.

However, poor scheduling meant they missed the Dr. Zoolittle Children’s Show.

It is unclear whether Mrs Palin and her team failed to realise that the show is scheduled for Saturdays and Sundays only, a mistake often made by foreign tourists, though not so often by visiting politicians.

‘Nothing but a photo opportunity’

In a controversial moment, she warned about the growing threat of China after seeing Bai Yun – a giant panda – in the flesh.

“It’s huge!” was the astute claim from Palin. “And did you see the way it ripped through bamboo?  Gosh, we better watch those Chinese guys eh.”

Though the trip has come under fire as a desperate and opportunistic attempt to look like a globally savvy statesman in the most harmless and controlled manner, critics we forced to admit that she had at least spent more time at the zoo than as Governor of her state.

Mrs Palin expressed her thanks to staff for keeping the park open an extra hour so she could complete thier tour, which included holding session with a pack of Kangaroos, settling a dispute between Indian Tigers and African Bonobos, all before getting her picture taking with reindeer from Northern Europe.

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Drug Cartel Threatens To Quit Arizona Over ‘Anti-Mexican’ Law

ARIZONA – A Mexican drug cartel threatened to pull it’s business out of Arizona should the state continue to push its ‘hostile’ immigration policy. Ernesto Fonseca Carrillo, founder of the Juarez cartel made the warning from a local holding cell on suspected murder charges as well as failing to show valid documentation when requested.

The Juarez cartel, who make recruitment’s from local Home Depot parking lots, rely on a steady flow of illegal immigrants to replace employees who have been arrested, killed or promoted to higher management positions.

Mr Carrillo later told bail lawyers he was genuinely concerned that the SB 1070 act would discourage potential Mexican foot soldiers from the state, forcing him to look elsewhere for fresh recruits to fill departmental positions in drug trafficking, extortion and homicide.  “How can we expand our operations with loco laws like this? It’s not good for business homes.”

He also accused the state of unfair profiling based solely on whether someone was selling drugs to children or not.

‘Our business depends on them’

A number of rival drug cartel leaders have come out in support of Mr Carrillo, arguing that many of their business relies on the willingness of illegal immigrants to do the jobs no one else wants, mostly because we know where their families live. “Cutting the dope, running the guns, shaking people down…It’s dirty work but somebody gotta do it ese.” argued cartel leader Fransico Felix.

He added that is would be “very very regrettable” if Arizona continued to limit the capacity of his organisation to commit crimes against humanity, noting that they are prepared to relocate their offices – currently located in a one bedroom family home – to California, who are considered to be friendly to the illegal narcotic industry in comparison.

In a bid to prevent a potential exodus, Governor Jan Brewer defended the law by saying it was not intended to be discriminatory or damaging to business, especially one with such deep roots in the community.  She also reminded the Juarez cartel that there were many qualified Americans workers capable of running uncut cocaine and gun shipments around town.

This argument was however dismissed by Mr Carrillo who says the health insurance costs incurred by hiring American workers was even scarier than any law founded on racial profiling.

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Man Who Played Barack Obama in 08 ‘Angered’ By Midterm Loss

CALIFORNIA – The man who played Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election has revealed his ‘deep anger’ over Barack Obama’s failure to capitalise on the momentum he created two years ago.

Speaking after a devastating midterm loss which saw the Democratic Party lose control of the House on Tuesday, Jerry Williams, a professional Barack Obama stunt double said it was hard watching all the good work he had done ‘pissed away’ by two years of limp governance.

“When they called me in to do this job, I thought they were serious about running the country,” recalls Williams. “To see them drop the ball like this…It just breaks my heart.”

The California native was roundly praised for his amazing work capturing the hearts of minds of an entire country with blazing rhetoric driven by a sense of hope, audacity and promise of change for the future, rallying frenzied support that saw a historic victory for the Democrat party.

He became the only African-American to be elected President of the United States who did not actually go on to become president, instead handing over control of the executive branch to Mr Obama for what Jerry Williams felt should have been a ‘slam dunk’.

“I served the country to him on a plate!” cried an increasingly agitated Williams who has found it increasingly difficult to get work.  “Kobe to Shaq alley-oop.  That was the game plan….Stick to the game plan Barack!”

‘He’s making me look bad’

Speaking at a press gathering, President Obama acknowledged Williams’ claims of dropping the ball, believing that the lookalike’s performance in  making the baseless promises needed to get voters eating out of his hands was proving a tough act to follow.

With thoughts now turning to 2012 election, Democrats have are internally considering hiring Williams a second time to rescue them from their current predicament.  A Robert Gibbs lookalike close to the out of work impersonator said he would be interested ‘only if the price was right’.

Should Obama’s stock fall any further, Mr Williams says he may be forced to have reconstructive surgery to reignite his career as a lookalike for a more popular African-American figure.

“It’s drastic I know, but I just don’t see any other way.  At the rate he’s going, I won’t be able to put food on the table for Anabelle [Michelle Obama lookalike] and the kids…I could do a great Denzel.  People still like him.”

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