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BP Call End To Flow of Negative Media Reporting On Gulf

LOUISIANA – BP officials have formally declared an end to the outpouring of negative press seen since an explosion on the Deepwater Horizon rig in April.   The incident saw an unstoppable stream of dangerously hazardous media coverage leak into newspapers, television and all over the internet, causing untold damage to the company’s public image.

Attempts to plug the stories started when news channels became distracted with Lindsay Lohan violating probation, while additional relief came when Paris Hilton was found to be in possession of cocaine. The leak was finally stopped last week when all anyone wanted to talk about was Lady Gaga’s meat dress, allowing the population to successfully forget there was ever oil in the Gulf.

Tests conducted early Sunday confirmed an end to any coverage on the inevitable long term damage to the Gulf Coast.  “The reports on the oil spill are now effectively dead,” said BP’s point man on the PR disaster.  “We’ve been tracking BBC, MSNBC and Fox and thankfully no one’s covering it.  I’ve heard CNN may run a special reports, but no one watches CNN anyway.“

‘Important milestone’

Outgoing chief Tony Hayward – criticised for suggesting all TV’s simply ‘be switched off’ to stem the flow of bad news – was pleased a permanent solution was found, but warned it could take a while until the stock price fully recovers.

Barack Obama hailed the news, declaring the crisis over and vowing to never mention the oil spill in the hopes that people would ‘just forget it happened’.  In a statement, he thanked all those who had “worked around the clock to dig up meaningless stories about Hollywood celebrities to ensure the Gulf news stories stopped leaking forever.”

The president also expressed hope that attention could now turn to capping the leak of stories about him being a Muslim.

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SpongeBob Squarepants Cancelled After Star Found Dead

NEW YORK, NY – Nickelodeon have been forced to cancel ‘mega hit’ TV show SpongeBob Squarepants after its star was found dead in his pineapple home under the sea off the Gulf Coast. 

The show, both a critical and commercial success, propelled SpongeBob to one of the most successful merchandising forces and the highest earning sponge in non TV revenues alone.  He is survived by Gary the sea snail.

“He led the way in children’s entertainment…I can’t believe he’s gone…there will never be another as absorbent and yellow and porous as he” said Nickelodeon spokesman David Bittler at the star’s wake on the Crusty Crab set.

The ceremony was attended by children’s TV A-listers such as 25-year-old Tommy and Chukie of Rugrats fame, and Elmo. “No more SpongeBob? Elmo sad,” confessed the Sesame Street mogul.

Although cause of death cannot be confirmed before a full autopsy, crime scene investigators believe SpongeBob died from acute oil poisoning.

This accusation is sure to bring more public anger toward oil giant BP, responsible for the unstoppable flow of crude oil into the sea above the star’s home.

Tony Hayward has been quick to play down links between his company and the sponge’s death.  “We can’t jump to conclusions, it might not be the oil.  Let’s wait for the autopsy” he pleaded to fans protesting outside his office.

The BP chief has received up to 6,000 death threats from children aged 5-13.

Patrick Star led tributes to the joyful sponge who was taken “before his time”.  However, on screen adversary Squidward was seen cackling whilst performing somersaults around the Squarepants residence.

It was rumoured that the pair’s animosity had spilled off-set, but Mr Star assured fans they were the best of friends “I know Squidward’s hurting inside.  Some people just grieve in their own way”.

Image credit: sirmikeofmitchell.com

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BP Scramble To Protect Endangered Reputation

NEW ORLEANS, LA – BP CEO Tony Hayward has promised to pump millions of dollars to avoid the company’s fragile reputation being wiped out due to continuous negative coverage of the Gulf Coast oil spill. 

BP have been placed on the endangered brands list, joining such at risk names as Toyota and MySpace, yet to show any sign of leaving the list.

“I want to underscore our commitment to doing everything possible to minimize the impact of this negative press” replied Mr Hayward when it was suggested he hadn’t taken the situation seriously enough, “No expense will be spared, let me tell you. We’re fully committed to making sure people forget this whole ever thing happened.”

Since the leak that started the outpouring of negative reporting, at least 491 sales meetings, 227 TV spots and 27 commercial deals, including a tie-in with Burger King, have been cancelled.

Marketing experts are calling this the worst PR disaster to hit the US in years with BP’s stock price already plunging after earlier PR efforts failed.

“OK, so maybe offering free oil changes was a mistake” admitted Hayward. “We still have plenty of ideas left in the tank”, these are thought to include a benefit concert with Bono for orphans in the coming weeks.

BP have been criticised for doing ‘too little too late’, with leading executives claiming not nearly enough is being done to repair the damage to the oil giant’s reputation.

“This is looking like the biggest freaking oil spill the country has ever seen…They could at least drop cash from a blimp or something” commented Richard Branson.

While the true scale of the damage won’t be known for years, Mr Hayward remained confident the company’s reputation can be repaired, saying BP could always make an advert with Tom Hanks ‘if things got really bad’.

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