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Ohio Residents Brace For Approaching Storm of Campaign Ads

OHIO – Residents of Ohio are being told to prepare for a “superstorm” of political campaign advertisement ahead of the 2012 presidential election this week.

With three days until votes are cast, the state is expected to take the brunt of a non stop torrent of political ads after both campaigns decided Ohio is the only state that matters in the race to become president.

Political ads pleading for last-minute support are expected to hit thousands of undecided voters, leaving them even more confused than they were before.

This is not a drill

It’s expected that areas most vulnerable will be ones with televisions and locals have begun taking action against the incoming deluge of broadcast and radio spots, emails, circulars, billboards, and robocalls.

The first ads have already appeared on the nightly news and are making their way to daytime television before gathering in the vicinity of prime time where they will do most damage.

Even experts have been taken by surprised with the ferocity of what they have coined the “superstorm of political bullsh*t”,

Locals are already making plans to evacuate the area to safer non battleground states which are likely to see significantly less political ads.

“All we hear is job creator this and give me more time that,” said Julie Pearlman who did not survive the political storm of 2008 and now expects to vote for an independent candidate.

Reports suggest the grim scenes would be repeated in swing states across the country.

“We’re going to Mississippi until this all dies down,” Mrs Pearlman told reporters.  “Romney has that state wrapped up so it will be a heck of a lot safer.”

State of emergency

The impending storm has been made worse as many residents are with working TVs and so able to view any one of the hundreds of ads are being broadcast daily.

Ohio mayor Michael B. Coleman said at a briefing that unless there was a clear shift in polling numbers, “we’re going to see more campaigning here in the next 48 hours than we’ve seen in the entire year” and called on residents to take precautions when switching channels as “these ads can appear when you least expect them.”

Showing he was taking charge of the situation Coleman promised to working with electricity companies to shut down services to homes until the election was done.

“Rest assured we are looking at every option to keep people of Ohio safe.”

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Colonel Gaddafi Calls On Nick Clegg To Quit

DOWNING STREET – Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi has joined mounting international pressure calling for Nick Clegg to step down peacefully from his position as deputy prime minister before more ‘wanton ineffectiveness’ is spilled in the streets.

Nicknamed the ‘Dead Weight’ of the government, a loophole in democracy saw Nick Clegg complete an unlikely coup, rising from election loser to powerless co-leader overnight.

However, 2010 saw mass protests across many English territories as enraged demonstrators demanded he pay for his crimes of political impotence.  The eclectic leader said yesterday: “I can blame Bin Laden for the mess I’m in.  What the hell is his excuse?”

Colonel Gaddafi has been backed by leading international figures including United States President Barack Obama, who admitted that he also wasn’t sure what the purpose of Nick Clegg was.  This after German Chancellor Angela Merkel confessed she had mistaken him for the help during her last visit to Downing Street.

‘Disconnected from reality’

The gravity of the situation is perhaps most starkly reflected in Clegg’s belief that his plan for voting reform will be taken seriously – further evidence of a man that is “way off the deep end,” according to Gaddafi.

Sanctions have been passed by the UN to increase pressure on Clegg, with measures ranging from avoiding his phone calls and automatically deleting his emails, to establishing a ‘no talk’ zone in his vicinity.  Prime Minister David Cameron expressed his hope that “Nick would get the message soon enough.”

There could also be humanitarian intervention – a sit down with the Lib Dem leader to have a ‘frank and honest’ talk explaining that he is no longer serving any worthwhile purpose and should seriously consider packing it in.

Time to go

Additionally, military intervention has not been ruled out unless he could “demonstrate the value that he claimed to bring to the coalition in the very near future.”

Mr Cameron has already stated that while the situation was unfortunate, he wouldn’t stand in the way if someone where to ‘get rid’ of Nick Clegg.

Speaking via a translator, holding a bowling ball while wearing a multi-coloured clown wig, Gaddafi said:  “I have heard Clegg speak a number of times and I think he has lost his mind.  He is a man who has clearly lost grip on reality and is no longer able to acknowledge the facts around him.  Everyday he stays against the will of the people, he loses more dignity and respect .”

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Osama Bin Laden Releases New Video in 3D

IMAX – In an unexpected theatrical release, al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden has issued a new video in 3D, simultaneously threatening the west and wowing with impressive visuals.

The terrorist mastermind warns the West that continued occupation in Afghanistan will have dire consequences for America and their allies unless they pull out of the country, all while appearing to jump out from the screen right at you.

“To our brothers in Afghanistan, you must rise up against western occupation, striking back at infidels wherever they should be found” were the ominous words from Bin Laden while repeatedly poking his AK47 at at the screen.

‘Totally worth it’

The tape contains numerous instances of objects flying out of the screen including Bin Laden’s hate for western civilisation.  A U.S. counter terrorism official, Mike Jones, confessed to ML News that it “did make me jump in a few places.”

Mr Jones advised it not be viewed by those who suffer from motion sickness, blurred vision or a negative reaction to anti-American rhetoric.  Other reactions have been mixed however, with security analysts unsure for the need to deliver a fear based narrative in three dimensions.

“I do think he’s gone too far this time,” admitted FBI Director Robert Mueller.  “The vitriol would have been just as fierce in 2D, so I don’t see the point.  It certainly wasn’t as good as Avatar….plus he charged us and extra dollar for these damned glasses.”

In the tape, Bin Laden explained that the high price is due to the need to offset the high costs involved in producing America-bashing media in 3D from the undisclosed cavernous regions in the borderlands between Afghanistan and Pakistan.

Jumping on the bandwagon

For the majority of viewers however, the release is a step forward in the field of extremist propaganda, leaving many anticipating more messages of hate in the new format.

One such security consultant was raving: “It was awesome!  The part where he called for untold misery and destruction to be brought down against our loved ones unless we stopped our imperialist conquest of the Middle East is totally more immersive in 3D.”

Although skeptical, Mr Mueller did feel  that 3D terror messages will be a major trend in about five years.

“He’s raised the bar for sure.  People will expect a lot more from Jihadist groups and anyone looking to cause mass destruction on a grand scale.”

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Where’s Wally Bin Laden Edition ‘Too Hard’

ENGLAND – A new edition of the famous Where’s Wally series featuring Osama Bin Laden has been slammed for being ‘way too difficult’.

Dubbed the most challenging in the series’ 23 year history, the new edition features the terrorist mastermind in a range of double-page spread illustrations depicting suspected al-Qaeda operatives doing a variety of terrorist activities.

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Al-Qaeda Number Two Leaves To Launch Solo Terrorist Career

UNKNOWN MOUNTAINS – Ayman al-Zawahri has announced he is leaving popular terrorist organisation Al-Qaeda after more than a decade as second in command to launch his own solo terrorist career.  “I have realised that now is the time to pursue my own personal goals for bringing terror upon the West,” read his latest Twitter posting, announcing the end to an era that saw him become part of the most feared terrorist group to come out of the mountainous border region between Afghanistan and Pakistan.

Al-Qaeda have been accredited for scores of depraved attacks around the world including their biggest hit on 9/11, and it’s thought al-Zawahri did not get enough credit for his part in the group’s success. “We were the best and all anyone wanted to talk about was Osama…he is not the only terrorist mastermind in the group!”

He has released a new audiotape entitled A Victorious Ummah, A Broken Crusade: Nine Years After the Start of the Crusader Campaign, in which he threatened infidels under his new alias, Simply Zawahri.

‘I don’t need Osama’

Plans for a final ‘farewell’ attack on US soil had to be abandoned due to scheduling issues between al-Zawahri and Bin Laden, who still cannot be found.

The audiotape – his debut release – was favourably received by terrorist watchdogs, highlighting it’s ‘bitter tone and hateful lyrics’ as evidence al-Zawahri can make it without the backing of al-Qaeda.  FBI Assistant Director James McJunkin suggested that “now he has broken away he’s free to express himself fully and this tape is a reflection of that…the title could be snappier though.”

Many terrorist members have success hard to come by once leaving the fame of the original cell, but al-Zawahri believes he can become a hit in the explosive world of international terrorism, saying it was time the world saw ‘the real me’.

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Bert Denies Allegations of Relationship With Ernie

SESAME STREET – Bert has issued a statement condemning rumours of an improper relationship with male co-star Ernie as ‘utterly false’.

In an emotional press conference, Bert made clear nothing was going on between himself. He insisted he, Ernie and Rubber Duckie were just friends. The Sesame Street resident made clear he had ‘never ever, ever’ been in a relationship with another male puppet.

Bert said he felt it necessary to make the statement after years of speculation reached fever pitch when a series of compromising pictures leaked on the internet.

“Those were taken completely out of context” he insisted. “I don’t know about Ernie, but I am definitely not gay. There.”

The two purportedly heterosexual puppets have lived in the same basement apartment room for decades, leading to repeated suggestions they were more than just friends.  This was dismissed as nonsense by Bert, saying: “If we had known sharing a room would have implied anything we wouldn’t have done it”.

He went on to blame the high cost of rent on Sesame Street as reason why he has yet to find his own place, a move that would no doubt help end speculation.

Mixed messages

They have received much support from fans and fellow residents alike, including Big Bird who has given Bert his “100% support. That was the case yesterday and it is the case today. Even if he was gay, which he’s not”  The Cookie Monster was also due to give a show of support, but was unexpectedly checked into an addiction clinic instead.

Not everyone on the street has shown such support however, with Oscar the Grouch criticising Bert’s announcement as “foolishly validating rumours”,  adding he wanted nothing to do with them “or anyone else on this God damn street.”

Bert also used the opportunity to deny alleged affiliation with Osama bin Laden and involvement with the JFK Shooting.

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Bin Laden Tape Urges ‘Brothers’ To See Twilight

UNKNOWN CAVE – A video tape purported to be from Osama bin Laden has called on terror cells across America to go and see the recently released Twilight: Eclipse movie.  In the new tape aired on TMZ, Bin Laden stressed that all combatants in the holy war against western devils must take a break from global Jihad and ‘see this movie, like right now.’

“Oh my Allah you guys, it’s even better than the first two.  You’ll just explode when you see it.” commented the giddy 9/11 mastermind who went on to list several reasons why Bella and Edward are ‘perfect’ for each other.

The authenticity of the tape is yet to be verified.

Washington-based IntelCenter, who monitor terror group chatter, said the message is an indicator Islamic extremists are ‘desperate’ to see the the third chapter in the Twilight saga.  “Ninety percent of chatter has been about Twilight” said an analyst for the firm.  It’s thought that groups with suspected links to al-Queda may be have already carried out multiple Twilight parties across the country.

US intelligence officials reacted angrily to the tape, saying Bin Laden’s actions will lead to movie theatres nationwide becoming overloaded with unstable Robert Pattinson fans “We condemn this tape in the strongest possible terms” confirmed Major General Michael Flynn.  “Our theatres are already full of dangerously high-pitched teenage girls, if Muslim extremists all go and see it too…we won’t have enough popcorn to cover everyone is what I’m saying.”  All major theatres have preemptively raised alert levels to critical.

Bin Laden’s last message was in April when criticising Clash of the Titans  for ‘criminal three dimensional effects and one dimensional performances’.

President Obama declined to comment on the tape for fear of losing his place in line for the midnight showing at a local AMC theatre.

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US Mistakenly Invades Afghanistan For Second Time

HELMAND PROV, AFGHANISTAN – US forces are said to be still dumbfounded after invading Afghanistan, forgetting that they have already been occupying the country for almost a decade.

It was thought forces in the area ‘just plain forgot’ that they were already entrenched in the Taliban infested area when asking Afghan forces to spearhead what was then thought to be the opening shot in the war against extremist militants led by Osama bin-Laden.  “

Now that I think back, they did look at us funny when we told them our plan,” said commander General Stanley McChrystal. “I just thought they were slow or something”.

It had taken a week before commanders realised that they had in fact already invaded the country, a discovery made only after a soldier stumbled across an N-Sync album he had left behind in 2001.

Local residents say they are concerned for the sanity of US forces in the region.  “How could they so easily forget they invaded us once already?” said Namir Yousafzai, local opium farmer and part-time goat herder.

“They only just bombed my house last month, did that mean nothing to them?!”

President Obama was shocked to learn that Afghanistan had already been invaded by US troops and during a hastily arranged Q&A session stated that he had ‘no idea’ this had been done before.

Despite acknowledging the mistake, the President rebuked suggestions that they pull out of the country, saying they will remain until the job is done and they find the reason they invaded the first time.

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Bin Laden Manhunt Continues On Moon

Earth’s nearest neighbour is now scene of America’s fight against terrorism and search for Osama Bin Laden as the Obama administration invaded the moon last week. It is believed that while no direct threat was made by the moon or it’s inhabitants, new evidence has suggested that the satellite may be providing a safe breeding ground for Islamic militants and could even be used as a hiding place for Osama Bin Laden.  US press secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters that President Obama and his military advisers deemed it a just war as “the possibility of moon men forming alliances with al-Qaeda was too big of a risk to ignore”.

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