Tag Archive | "barack obama"

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Republicans Accuse Obama Of Using Presidential Powers To Run Country


WASHINGTON D.C. – The nation’s most prominent Republicans have hit out at Barack Obama after he threatened to use his powers as President to run the country.

Following the annual State of the Union address, conservative figures voiced concerns that the President would now misuse his position to embark on a wanton campaign of “achieving goals”.

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SpongeBob SquarePants Calls For Strike In Krusty Krab Pay Protest


BIKINI BOTTOM – SpongeBob Squarepants has become the latest fast food worker to call for strike action in a dispute with the Krusty Krab over low hourly pay.

“Mr Krabs has gone too far,” screamed SpongeBob who admitted “krappy wages” is the reason he’s been wearing the same pair of square pants for 10 years.

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Assad Promises To Stick With Conventional Methods Of Mass Murder


SYRIA – After destroying its chemical weapons production capability, the Syrian regime has promised it will stick to regular methods of killing its own people in future.

President Obama had issued a final ultimatum to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad earlier this year, urging him to stick to non-chemically enhanced methods of indiscriminate massacre.

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US Denies Barack Obama Knew NSA Had Tapped Prayers To God


WASHINGTON D.C. – The National Security Agency is denying reports that Barack Obama has been aware of the surveillance of prayers to God since 2010.

The fallout from fresh allegations have been brought by Edward Snowden’s leak of classified security material, prompting even more damaging questions about the extent of US spy activities.

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Fox News Thrilled That People Still Can’t Sign Up For Health Care


NEW YORK – Employees at Fox News are said to be thrilled at new figures showing record numbers of people are still failing to sign up for Obamacare.

The news network has gleefully reporting the failures of the healthcare.gov website which is leaving millions confused and still without adequate health care coverage.

The roll out has been such a positive experience for conservative pundits that Fox News hosts now admit that Barack Obama was born in America.

‘We’re still pinching ourselves’

A month into President Obama’s signature act of legislation, millions of Americans are still unable to sign up online due to system crashes and confusing message.

The mood inside Fox News has been described as “ecstatic” as the problematic launch of the affordable care act ensured the dream of poor people going without health care was kept alive.

The only negative came when a fight broke out between Fox News’ Neil Cavuto and Bret Baier over who would be the first to break the latest news of millions more people left uninsured by the systematic failure of the health care website to perform the one thing it was designed to do.

“I’m not the only one who thought this website was going to be bad news for us,” admitted The Kelly File host and part-time Elisabeth Hasselbeck stunt double Megyn Kelly.

“But it’s been fantastic, everyone is sooo happy lately.  I’ve never seen Sean Hannity smile so much.”

Kelly even confessed that her colleagues visited the website just to see the website crash when trying to sign up for health care, adding: “logging in to see that 404 error is becoming a ritual around here.”

Wonderful news

Speaking from the backstage area, anchor Gretchen Carlson said: “I’m just getting ready to report that even more people tried and failed to get health care since this morning.”

“It’s a really great day to be alive,” she beamed before breaking out into a high-pitched cackle for the next 13 and a half minutes.

The issues surrounding health care have lead to changing attitudes towards the administration with Fox and Friends’ Steve Doocy telling co-host Brian Kilmeade that he was now excited to see the president implement comprehensive immigration reform “as soon as humanly possible”.

“If it’s anything like health care there won’t be a single Mexican in the country with 18 months,” predicted Doocy who later admitted he’s had a full erection ever since he heard about the latest failure of the healthcare.gov website.

Host Sean Hannity expertly summarised the mood in at Fox News by saying: “As a conservative pundit, I could only dream of days like this.”

“This botched roll out of health care is leaving people more confused and misinformed than my show ever could.”

Posted in Health, Sci-Tech, USAComments (0)

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Chicken Wing Theft Sets Race Back “Decades” Says Sharpton


GEORGIA – Two men have been accused of reinforcing African-American stereotypes, setting the race back “at least three decades” after stealing thousands of dollars worth of chicken wings.

Dewayne Patterson and Renaldo Jackson were both accused of massive chicken wing theft – a case that lead to many prominent African-American figures to publicly distance themselves from the two suspects.

It’s since been agreed that black men stealing an unreasonably large amount of chicken wings has strengthened negative stereotypes more than a million more Tyler Perry movies could ever have.

Irreparable damage

Since images of the two were made public, the link between black people and chicken is now stronger than the link between black people and the Electric Slide according to an independent think tank.

Reverend Jesse Jackson’s anger was plain when reportedly overheard shouting “…just had to be chicken wings?!” on a call to Al Sharpton, Spike Lee and Oscar winner Sidney Poitier.

He was quoted screaming: “Now I know we done fought too damn hard for these simple ass mother f*ckers to go and mess it up over some goddamn chicken wings?!”

“They messing or up for me.  I mean all of us.”

The shame of the act has also been felt by ordinary African-Americans, a majority of whom could only shake their heads and declined to answer when asked about the accused.

Local African-American Leroy Washington confessed that it was now “virtually impossible” to order chicken wings in front of white co-workers.  Others have stressed that while they do like chicken wings from time to time, “we don’t like them that much.”

‘Making us all look bad’

U.S. President Barack Obama also weighed into the debate admitted it was “disappointing” that just two men could do so much damage to the image of an entire race of people.

“Let me be clear,” said an embarrassed looking president.  “I am personally deeply saddened to have had to witness this stereotypical resolution to the chicken wing theft.”

“Both Michelle and I have fought tirelessly against every barrier laid in our paths to reach the highest office in the land, in the process showing a generation of young African-Americans the unlimited possibilities no matter the colour of your skin.”

“But all that counts for nothing after what these knuckleheads have done.”

“I just hope their pants were sagging when they were caught.”

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Barack Obama Appoints Lindsay Lohan As Scandal Czar


WHITE HOUSE – Barack Obama has named Lindsay Lohan as new as the new U.S. Scandal Czar following a wave of troubling news stories to hit the White House.

As new scandal coordinator, the Disney actor turned hollywood socialite turned anti-drug campaigner’s wet dream will draw on her own personal experience to oversee the management of three separate White House scandals.

The appointment finally fulfills the potential Lohan has shown ever since her first DUI arrest.

New role

Lohan comes to the White House with six years of scandal experience on her resume, which includes six jail sentences, 20 court appearance and one ankle bracelet.

The appointment is seen as vital as the Obama Administration looks to get out in front of the wave of negative publicity by bringing in an expert to manage the situation.

Jay Carney said “No one here has been involved in a news story this bad before…even with the birth certificate thing.”

“We need what to expect when public perception looks extremely bleak and we’re confident Ms. Lohan will give us that insight.”

It’s thought she would handle the Benghazi scandal last as she was yet to get herself up to speed and find Benghazi on a map.

Lohan was not available for public as she had a prior engagement skipping bail.

‘Much needed expertise’

Judge Marsha Revel back the appointment by saying: “Lindsay is already familiar with high-profile scandals, she’s been involved with so many herself and has built a career in dealing with them.”

Speaking at the White House, President Obama said he needed to bring in experienced professional familiar in dealing with the fallout of appalling behaviour made public.

“Let me be clear,”  Obama began.  “Lindsay has been dealing with public scandals even longer than she’s had a credible movie career.  Her expertise will be vital in advising my administration through equally troubling times.”

The incoming czar can look forward to dealing with fallout from the IRS targeting conservative groups, the Justice Department monitoring private press phone calls and the attack on the US consulate in Benghazi.

The collection of scandals are so severe that President Obama has since admittedly he now looks back fondly on his first term when his biggest problem was an inability to pass legislation.

Staring wistfully, Obama said: “I still remember when my biggest worry about was my complete inability to overcome petty partisanship.”

“Boy I miss those days.”

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Republicans Slam Obama For “Soft Poultry Policy” After Turkey Pardon


WASHINGTON DC – Leading Republican figures have slammed Barack Obama’s handling of the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon and called for a tougher stance on wild game.

In what is being labelled as further evidence of a “secular, Islamist, pro-turkey agenda”, the President gave pardons to two 40-pound turkeys, Cobbler and Gobbler, without full knowledge of their crimes.

According to many in the party, the leniency shown to each turkey “almost certainly” puts them closer to gaining a nuclear weapon.

Failed policies

Party thought leaders said both birds should have been tried before a jury of their peers, letting the system decide if they should have they records expunged and agreed it was on the President’s head if these turkeys went on to obtain weapons of mass destruction.

“This is an outrage!” Blasted radio host Rush Limbaugh.  “Barack Hussein Obama has now pardoned eight turkeys during his time in the White House. Each one a missed meal.”

Michele Bachmann called move “naive” as the turkey now had a free rein to commit further atrocities.

“I think it’s sad that we don’t have a president that is able to stand up to the pro-turkey lobby and continues to let guilty birds plan God knows what in our country.”

In addition to sharpening his criticism of Obama on poultry policy, Ryan also took aim at the administration for sending mixed signals – pardoning two turkeys before siting down to his own Thanksgiving meal later that day.

“Look across the President’s table today and what do we see?” Ryan asked the assembled audience. “Cranberry sauce, yams, stuffing, gravy, oh and what’s this?  Turkey.”

Former GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry called turkeys one of the three most despicable birds out there.  “You got pigeons, turkeys and…ah geez, opps. I forgot, but the point is that Obama might be a Muslim.”

Unanswered questions

With no official explanation from the Obama administration, Conservative pundits continue to question what the White House is hiding from the public.

“I can’t help the feeling we’re not seeing the whole picture,” suggested Fox News host Megan Kelly.

“Why these turkeys huh?  What’s so special about them?”

“Why was there no trial before an official pardon?”

“Why won’t the White House tell us what they were pardoned for?”

“Who are Cobbler and Gobbler, really?”

“What’s the real story here?”

It is now widely expected both birds, Cobbler and Gobbler, would rejoin with groups linked to al-Qaeda.

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Physical Manifestation of Rush Limbaugh’s Blind Rage Early 2016 Frontrunner


WASHINGTON DC – After Barack Obama’s re-election, a physical manifestation of Rush Limbaugh’s blind rage is being tipped to become GOP candidate for president in 2016.

The dark, deep, lighting filled cloud has already emerged as an early frontrunner for Republicans as the party looks to reinvent itself following a disappointing loss to the president and reason for the cloud’s existence.

Rush Limbaugh’s rage cloud has already tested through the roof with conservative voters, beating out prominent candidates including Jeb Bush and a shrink wrapped copy of Atlas Shrugged.

New party hope

A newcomer to the political arena, the turbulent rage cloud burst onto the scene only seconds after President Obama’s re-election and has continued growing its support and overall surface area.

“There’s no doubt that this thing is the rising star of the new conservative movement,” said Fox News analyst Karl Rove.

With a view on the 2016 presidential race, conservative pundits are left to debate why the ominous hate filled cloud was so popular.

“It’s the only candidate that is really speaking to the core Republican base in any meaningful way,” suggested conservative commentator Dick Morris.

“The rage cloud has come out of nowhere but the party is really connecting with its message of unsubstantiated fear and institutional racism.”

Indeed, disappointed conservative voters have indicated they would likely back a bid for the White House if the rage cloud decided to run.

“I would totally vote for Rush’s semi solid rage cloud,” admitted Alabama voter Chad Evans.  “It screams incessantly at me in a way Mitt Romney never did.”

Mr Evans, who now lives in an underground panic bunker for fear of a second Obama term says a 2016 bid by the anger filled cloud could persuade him and his family to consider living above ground again.

Measured response

However, some early optimism has been tempered as the rage cloud has yet to announced its plans for the 2016 race.  And while Rove admitted “it hasn’t laid out a coherent policy,” he also noted “that never stopped Mitt from running.”

Karl Rove remained adamant the hate fueled cloud was delaying as it worked out a deal to make a similar sized semi-solid cloud of Republican misogynistic sentiment its vice presidential pick for a devastating ticket in 2016.

Rush Limbaugh’s rage cloud avoided the topic when interviewed however, instead emitting a succession of lighting bursts along with belligerent and barely intelligible ramblings about Mexicans, guns and “THOSE DAMN GAYS”.

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Republicans Claim Voter Intimidation After Black Man Added to Election Ballot


WASHINGTON – The validity of the 2012 presidential election has been questioned by Republicans, accusing Democrats of voter intimidation by adding a black man to the ballot.

The Federal Election Commission has been inundated with complaints from conservative voters identifying a “scary black man” as showing up on several voter forms, leaving people feeling intimidated while casting their vote.

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