GEORGIA – Two men have been accused of reinforcing African-American stereotypes, setting the race back “at least three decades” after stealing thousands of dollars worth of chicken wings.

Dewayne Patterson and Renaldo Jackson were both accused of massive chicken wing theft – a case that lead to many prominent African-American figures to publicly distance themselves from the two suspects.

It’s since been agreed that black men stealing an unreasonably large amount of chicken wings has strengthened negative stereotypes more than a million more Tyler Perry movies could ever have.

Irreparable damage

Since images of the two were made public, the link between black people and chicken is now stronger than the link between black people and the Electric Slide according to an independent think tank.

Reverend Jesse Jackson’s anger was plain when reportedly overheard shouting “…just had to be chicken wings?!” on a call to Al Sharpton, Spike Lee and Oscar winner Sidney Poitier.

He was quoted screaming: “Now I know we done fought too damn hard for these simple ass mother f*ckers to go and mess it up over some goddamn chicken wings?!”

“They messing or up for me.  I mean all of us.”

The shame of the act has also been felt by ordinary African-Americans, a majority of whom could only shake their heads and declined to answer when asked about the accused.

Local African-American Leroy Washington confessed that it was now “virtually impossible” to order chicken wings in front of white co-workers.  Others have stressed that while they do like chicken wings from time to time, “we don’t like them that much.”

‘Making us all look bad’

U.S. President Barack Obama also weighed into the debate admitted it was “disappointing” that just two men could do so much damage to the image of an entire race of people.

“Let me be clear,” said an embarrassed looking president.  “I am personally deeply saddened to have had to witness this stereotypical resolution to the chicken wing theft.”

“Both Michelle and I have fought tirelessly against every barrier laid in our paths to reach the highest office in the land, in the process showing a generation of young African-Americans the unlimited possibilities no matter the colour of your skin.”

“But all that counts for nothing after what these knuckleheads have done.”

“I just hope their pants were sagging when they were caught.”

WHITE HOUSE – Barack Obama has named Lindsay Lohan as new as the new U.S. Scandal Czar following a wave of troubling news stories to hit the White House.

As new scandal coordinator, the Disney actor turned hollywood socialite turned anti-drug campaigner’s wet dream will draw on her own personal experience to oversee the management of three separate White House scandals.

The appointment finally fulfills the potential Lohan has shown ever since her first DUI arrest.

New role

Lohan comes to the White House with six years of scandal experience on her resume, which includes six jail sentences, 20 court appearance and one ankle bracelet.

The appointment is seen as vital as the Obama Administration looks to get out in front of the wave of negative publicity by bringing in an expert to manage the situation.

Jay Carney said “No one here has been involved in a news story this bad before…even with the birth certificate thing.”

“We need what to expect when public perception looks extremely bleak and we’re confident Ms. Lohan will give us that insight.”

It’s thought she would handle the Benghazi scandal last as she was yet to get herself up to speed and find Benghazi on a map.

Lohan was not available for public as she had a prior engagement skipping bail.

‘Much needed expertise’

Judge Marsha Revel back the appointment by saying: “Lindsay is already familiar with high-profile scandals, she’s been involved with so many herself and has built a career in dealing with them.”

Speaking at the White House, President Obama said he needed to bring in experienced professional familiar in dealing with the fallout of appalling behaviour made public.

“Let me be clear,”  Obama began.  “Lindsay has been dealing with public scandals even longer than she’s had a credible movie career.  Her expertise will be vital in advising my administration through equally troubling times.”

The incoming czar can look forward to dealing with fallout from the IRS targeting conservative groups, the Justice Department monitoring private press phone calls and the attack on the US consulate in Benghazi.

The collection of scandals are so severe that President Obama has since admittedly he now looks back fondly on his first term when his biggest problem was an inability to pass legislation.

Staring wistfully, Obama said: “I still remember when my biggest worry about was my complete inability to overcome petty partisanship.”

“Boy I miss those days.”

WASHINGTON DC – Leading Republican figures have slammed Barack Obama’s handling of the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon and called for a tougher stance on wild game.

In what is being labelled as further evidence of a “secular, Islamist, pro-turkey agenda”, the President gave pardons to two 40-pound turkeys, Cobbler and Gobbler, without full knowledge of their crimes.

According to many in the party, the leniency shown to each turkey “almost certainly” puts them closer to gaining a nuclear weapon.

Failed policies

Party thought leaders said both birds should have been tried before a jury of their peers, letting the system decide if they should have they records expunged and agreed it was on the President’s head if these turkeys went on to obtain weapons of mass destruction.

“This is an outrage!” Blasted radio host Rush Limbaugh.  “Barack Hussein Obama has now pardoned eight turkeys during his time in the White House. Each one a missed meal.”

Michele Bachmann called move “naive” as the turkey now had a free rein to commit further atrocities.

“I think it’s sad that we don’t have a president that is able to stand up to the pro-turkey lobby and continues to let guilty birds plan God knows what in our country.”

In addition to sharpening his criticism of Obama on poultry policy, Ryan also took aim at the administration for sending mixed signals – pardoning two turkeys before siting down to his own Thanksgiving meal later that day.

“Look across the President’s table today and what do we see?” Ryan asked the assembled audience. “Cranberry sauce, yams, stuffing, gravy, oh and what’s this?  Turkey.”

Former GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry called turkeys one of the three most despicable birds out there.  “You got pigeons, turkeys and…ah geez, opps. I forgot, but the point is that Obama might be a Muslim.”

Unanswered questions

With no official explanation from the Obama administration, Conservative pundits continue to question what the White House is hiding from the public.

“I can’t help the feeling we’re not seeing the whole picture,” suggested Fox News host Megan Kelly.

“Why these turkeys huh?  What’s so special about them?”

“Why was there no trial before an official pardon?”

“Why won’t the White House tell us what they were pardoned for?”

“Who are Cobbler and Gobbler, really?”

“What’s the real story here?”

It is now widely expected both birds, Cobbler and Gobbler, would rejoin with groups linked to al-Qaeda.

WASHINGTON DC – After Barack Obama’s re-election, a physical manifestation of Rush Limbaugh’s blind rage is being tipped to become GOP candidate for president in 2016.

The dark, deep, lighting filled cloud has already emerged as an early frontrunner for Republicans as the party looks to reinvent itself following a disappointing loss to the president and reason for the cloud’s existence.

Rush Limbaugh’s rage cloud has already tested through the roof with conservative voters, beating out prominent candidates including Jeb Bush and a shrink wrapped copy of Atlas Shrugged.

New party hope

A newcomer to the political arena, the turbulent rage cloud burst onto the scene only seconds after President Obama’s re-election and has continued growing its support and overall surface area.

“There’s no doubt that this thing is the rising star of the new conservative movement,” said Fox News analyst Karl Rove.

With a view on the 2016 presidential race, conservative pundits are left to debate why the ominous hate filled cloud was so popular.

“It’s the only candidate that is really speaking to the core Republican base in any meaningful way,” suggested conservative commentator Dick Morris.

“The rage cloud has come out of nowhere but the party is really connecting with its message of unsubstantiated fear and institutional racism.”

Indeed, disappointed conservative voters have indicated they would likely back a bid for the White House if the rage cloud decided to run.

“I would totally vote for Rush’s semi solid rage cloud,” admitted Alabama voter Chad Evans.  “It screams incessantly at me in a way Mitt Romney never did.”

Mr Evans, who now lives in an underground panic bunker for fear of a second Obama term says a 2016 bid by the anger filled cloud could persuade him and his family to consider living above ground again.

Measured response

However, some early optimism has been tempered as the rage cloud has yet to announced its plans for the 2016 race.  And while Rove admitted “it hasn’t laid out a coherent policy,” he also noted “that never stopped Mitt from running.”

Karl Rove remained adamant the hate fueled cloud was delaying as it worked out a deal to make a similar sized semi-solid cloud of Republican misogynistic sentiment its vice presidential pick for a devastating ticket in 2016.

Rush Limbaugh’s rage cloud avoided the topic when interviewed however, instead emitting a succession of lighting bursts along with belligerent and barely intelligible ramblings about Mexicans, guns and “THOSE DAMN GAYS”.

WASHINGTON – The validity of the 2012 presidential election has been questioned by Republicans, accusing Democrats of voter intimidation by adding a black man to the ballot.

The Federal Election Commission has been inundated with complaints from conservative voters identifying a “scary black man” as showing up on several voter forms, leaving people feeling intimidated while casting their vote.

One voter from Alabama said she hadn’t felt so fearful for her life since catching the end of Roots by mistake one time.

Scare tactics

Republican have also accused Democrats of attempting to influence voters by allowing Mitt Romney to speak publicly – a “deplorable” tactic that may be responsible for up to 50% of the votes for Barack Obama.

A filing made in the early hours of Wednesday state the Democratic National Committee (DNC) made “multiple and egregious actions” to “negatively influence” the outcome of the 2012 election by “employing a menacing black man” to sway voter outcome.

It’s understood the Republican party launched a similar complaint after the 2008 election, but no action was taken.

Fox News legal analyst and walking penis euphemism Peter Johnson Jr. said the committee “can no longer ignore an issue this big” in response to reports that Barack Obama’s name was on every ballot across the country.

“We’re talking grade A voter intimidation here,” Johnson Jr claimed.  “This is now the second time the liberal left have used these kind of tactics to influence the vote.”

Johnson continued: “Quite frankly we’re sick of it.”

‘It was never fair fight’

If the allegations prove true, conservative pundits estimate as many as everyone who voted for Barack Obama could have done so under duress.  Putting the result of the election into serious doubt.

“Let’s not pretend we don’t all know what’s going on here,” said senior political analyst Brit Hume who blasted Democrats for “trapping voters in a confined place with a black guy.”

“Naturally you’ll do whatever he wants to get out of there to safety.  I know I would.”

Mr Hume said it was a strategy that would never ever be employed by the Republican party.

“I’m proud to say you will never see Republicans stoop to such lengths,” said Hume.

“The Democrats really should be ashamed.”

OHIO – Residents of Ohio are being told to prepare for a “superstorm” of political campaign advertisement ahead of the 2012 presidential election this week.

With three days until votes are cast, the state is expected to take the brunt of a non stop torrent of political ads after both campaigns decided Ohio is the only state that matters in the race to become president.

Political ads pleading for last-minute support are expected to hit thousands of undecided voters, leaving them even more confused than they were before.

This is not a drill

It’s expected that areas most vulnerable will be ones with televisions and locals have begun taking action against the incoming deluge of broadcast and radio spots, emails, circulars, billboards, and robocalls.

The first ads have already appeared on the nightly news and are making their way to daytime television before gathering in the vicinity of prime time where they will do most damage.

Even experts have been taken by surprised with the ferocity of what they have coined the “superstorm of political bullsh*t”,

Locals are already making plans to evacuate the area to safer non battleground states which are likely to see significantly less political ads.

“All we hear is job creator this and give me more time that,” said Julie Pearlman who did not survive the political storm of 2008 and now expects to vote for an independent candidate.

Reports suggest the grim scenes would be repeated in swing states across the country.

“We’re going to Mississippi until this all dies down,” Mrs Pearlman told reporters.  “Romney has that state wrapped up so it will be a heck of a lot safer.”

State of emergency

The impending storm has been made worse as many residents are with working TVs and so able to view any one of the hundreds of ads are being broadcast daily.

Ohio mayor Michael B. Coleman said at a briefing that unless there was a clear shift in polling numbers, “we’re going to see more campaigning here in the next 48 hours than we’ve seen in the entire year” and called on residents to take precautions when switching channels as “these ads can appear when you least expect them.”

Showing he was taking charge of the situation Coleman promised to working with electricity companies to shut down services to homes until the election was done.

“Rest assured we are looking at every option to keep people of Ohio safe.”

OHIO – In the fourth and final debate of the presidential election, Mitt Romney faced off against his most contrasting ideological opponent of the race: Mitt Romney.

Hailed as the fiercest debate in recent memory the conservative candidate come out “guns blazing” against his more moderate counterpart, clashing over a number of crucial election issues.

The debate highlighted the stark difference in opinion the two have on topics such as health care, immigration, abortion, and which Star Wars Trilogy was better.

Diametrically opposed

Analysts pinned this as “the most important debate for the Romney camp,” noting that “whoever people find most favourable will decide which Mitt Romney goes up against Barack Obama.”

One testy exchange came when Romney derided his debate opponent for ignoring the contributions man had made to rising CO2 emissions.

But Mitt Romney responded with his belief the science was inconclusive and spending trillions to reduce emissions was not the right course for America.

The biggest spark came when discussing healthcare, a subject both men famously disagree on and Mitt Romney wasted no time calling out Mitt Romney for putting in place the model later used as the basis for Obamacare.

“The fact is Governor Romney,” Mitt Romney started, “that when you ran Massachusetts you created the system of mandated health care that has been shoved down the throat of every American and needs to be repealed immediately.”

However, Romney countered the attack and backed his efforts to help ordinary American gain access to basic healthcare – “a fundamental right my opponent would never understand.”

‘Romney came out swinging’

Exit polls suggested Mitt Romney shaded the debate with viewers finding him a more credible candidate than Mitt Romney who at times appeared flustered by the constant attacks from the former Massachusetts governor.

Neither candidate was afraid to make clear they were “two completely separate candidates with two completely separate views on just about everything”, a fact not lost on voters.

“Damn, they couldn’t agree on anything,” described Martin Baxter who entered the debate a firm Mitt Romney supporter, but admitted Mitt Romney “made good counter points” during the debate that left him “seriously consider” switching his support to Mitt Romney.

“I’ve always been Romney guy,” he said.  “But Romney went at him hard, especially on abortion and I found myself drawn to his pro-life stance so now I’m actually thinking Mitt Romney isn’t the candidate for me?”

“Maybe I should be backing Mitt Romney.”

FLORIDA – The third presidential debate saw a stunning surprise as Barack Obama announced every single audience member would be getting their own predator drone to take home.

In what was the biggest surprise of the campaign so far, President Obama gave all in attendance a box, suggesting whoever had a remote guidance system would get a Predator drone.  The Lynn  University crowd went ballistic when they quickly realised everyone was getting a Predator drone.

The shocking reveal came in response to a moderator question over the president’s policy on drone attacks.

Dreams do come true

With many expecting the issue to be overlooked entirely, onlookers were genuinely surprised when Bob Schieffer turned the subject of the debate to the secretive practise of unmanned and indiscriminate bombing of civilian areas between Afghanistan and Pakistan.

But they were even more surprised when the president asked them to look under their seats.

“Look Bob,” Mr Obama began in his response.  “We’ve been using drones successfully to take out al-Qaeda operative who would do us harm.”

The president continued: “…What I’m trying to say is, I think if everyone in the audience takes a peek under their seat they’ll find the answer to that particular question.”

As people felt underneath the lecture room seating they discovered mysterious boxes.

“Now I want you to hold your box but don’t open them,” Obama said with a knowing smile.

After calling for a drum roll the president instructed the audience to “open up those boxes and see what you’ve got in there.”

It was at that point the crowd realised every box had controls to an MQ-1 Predator drone and in front of an audience of eligible voters, the president ecstatically cried “You get a drone.  You get a drone.  Youuuu get a drone!”

“Everybody gets a drone.  Everybody gets a Predator drone!”

‘Is this the wildest thing ever or what?’

“This is so freaking cool!” Cried on tearful audience member.  “I never had a drone before. Obama is the man!”

President Obama told the audience they were free to use the drones “as you see fit,” adding: “There’s no need to tell anyone what you do with them,” as “heck, we don’t tell you anything.”

Another voter said they would be putting their drone to use right away in clearing the lines at the next Macy’s sale.

“I hope that answers your question Bob,” finished the president as the fever pitch finally died down.

FLORIDA – Political analysts have warned President Obama’s use of facts and math risks alienating voters and could cost him the 2012 election.

Political commentator and Count Chocula stunt double Charles Krauthammer praised Romney for his tight grip on basic election strategy, leaving things like realistic figures and accurate representation of reality “at the door where they belong”.

The president however, has made a concerted effort to incorporate both in his reelection campaign efforts, a strategy labelled “foolhardy” by many observers.

Liar liar

Pundit and part-time Bond villain James Carville is just one analyst to openly question whether being loose with “numbers ‘n stuff” will backfire on the president, having seen Mitt Romney claw his way back in this election.

“Romney gets it plain and simple.  You saw that first debate,” Carvile said. “He didn’t waste any time saying things that could be traced back to facts.”

“That’s the attitude you need when running for office.”

When questioned, Mitt Romney put his recent bounce in polling down to his strong belief in the separation of words and facts – a belief that Krauthammer believes could see him claim the presidency come November.

Krauthammer offered advice to the Obama campaign ahead of election day, suggesting the president borrow from the former Massachusetts governor and “start telling those huge whoppers he’ll need for those last days of the election.”

“No one’s expecting him to get to the level that Romney is on right now.  He just needs to start with small things.  White lies like “that first debate didn’t go so badly”.

“Or when he talks to  China about the money we owe them, say ‘the check’s in the mail’. Little things like that.”

New strategy

In a surprise move, MSNBC host Chris Matthews agreed with Krauthammer, calling on Barack Obama to “wake up and realise what race he’s in”.

“What’s he doing?! This isn’t exam prep.  This is the race for President of the United States of America – the highest office in the land.  Facts and math have no place here.”

“Maybe on a McDonald’s application form, but not here.”

http://www.mostlylegit.com/2012/10/president-obamas-use-of-facts-math-may-put-off-voters-say-experts/

WASHINGTON DC – Barack Obama has taken an unprecedented step in the War on Terror by declaring a local dry cleaner a terrorist organisation after losing multiple items of the president’s clothing.

Lucky Star Dry Cleaners have been placed on a Homeland Security watch list following a number of clothing related incidents, including the loss of three separate dress shirts and damage to several others according to Obama aides.

The incident has threatened to sour relations between the United States and South Korea.

‘It was my good shirt’

President Obama made the announcement from the Oval Office on his return from his latest pick up which contained one of the damaged items in question.

Sources close to the president say the damage sustained to the suit he wore when announcing the death of Osama Bin Laden was the last straw and had left him with no choice but to place Mr and Mrs Yeung on the terror watch list.

Mr Obama stated that “effective immediately” Lucky Star Dry Cleaners would classed as an enemy to the United States of America and this office and should be “considered highly dangerous and overly priced for the quality of work they produce.”

However, the dry cleaner in question – now an enemy combatant and subject to the rules of war – dispute the accusation and  argue that they have been in business “for ten year and never problem!”

Mrs Yeung even insisted that the president picked up the supposed lost items in question several weeks before.

The administration dismissed these suggestions as false, warning that continued lies would be met in turn with targeted drone attacks.

Diplomatic situation

Shortly after signing an executive order allowing the use of deadly force against the Yeungs,  Barack Obama urged the American people to “remain vigilant” when getting clothes cleaned and avoid Lucky Star like the plague.

“Myself and Michelle have frequented Lucky Star for the past four years, but it is with a heavy heart that I must classify this rogue organisation as antithetical to the American values of liberty, justice, and the pursuit of thoroughly cleaned attire at an affordable price.”

He also confirmed he was now on the lookout for a new dry cleaner in the area and would be consulting yelp.com to determine out his next move.