Tag Archive | "america"

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Donald Trump To Build Wall Around North Pole

NEW YORK – Donald Trump has announced a controversial plan to build a wall around the North Pole in order to keep “the wrong kind of presents from entering America.”

Trump declared that should he become president, he would build a “great great wall” between the North Pole and America to ensure only the “best, most classy presents” arrived under American Christmas trees on December 25th. He also added that Santa Claus would pay for the wall’s construction.

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North Korea Switch To Virgin Media After Internet Blackout

PYONGYANG – North Korea have confirmed the full restoration of internet services after the country switched to a Virgin Media broadband package.

The move followed an unprecedented series of internet outages and generally “shoddy service” with EE Unlimited Home Broadband.

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Republicans Unveil Google.com As Obamacare Alternative

WASHINGTON D.C. – Congressional House Republicans have unveiled their first genuine alternative to the Affordable Care Act: google.com.

Titled the “Just Google It” Healthcare Act, or “Googlecare”, the plan is set to put to rest ongoing criticism that the Republican party had up till now offered no practical alternative to the Affordable Healthcare Act.

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Americans Avoid Fiscal Cliff By Throwing Congress Over Actual Cliff

WASHINGTON D.C. – In an unexpected resolution, Americans have agreed an 11th hour deal to solve the country’s fiscal problems by pushing members of congress over an actual cliff.

A deal was reached by citizens across all 50 states and is set to solve US economic problems by removing what many agree is the biggest threat to the country’s fiscal future.

The American people said it was time to “end the game of chicken played by Congress” and send them “over the nearest cliff like a game of lemmings”.

Budget deal agreed

Slow progress by both Republicans and Democrats prompted ordinary Americans to put forward their own proposal to stop steep tax rises and spending cuts.

It’s thought the deal will involve gathering congressional leaders and frog march them over the nearest cliff.

The bipartisan agreement, supported by a majority of Americans, will take effect by the end of January once a big enough net could be found.

Washington native Joshua Scott said the agreement, which was agreed to by 300 million citizens, was negotiated inside three hours – less time than House Speaker John Boehner spends in a tanning bed session according to inside sources.

“We were all just frustrated with the lack of progress on Capitol Hill so we got together and worked out a deal that was best for us,” said Mr Scott.

“With this deal the U.S. will avoid a double dip recession and make future political discussions a heck of a lot smoother with less politicians around.”

According to reports, the only remaining sticking point is which area of elevated ground to send Republicans and Democrats over, which Nevada’s Grand Canon the preferred option.

Analysts say this new deal was an overall positive for the country and stocks saw an optimistic rally at the thought of lawmakers being sent over a real cliff.

Long term solutions

President Obama said while the deal was “not ideal”, it remained the most sensible offer on the table and signed off on the plan earlier today.

However, Mitch McConnell, leader of the Senate’s Republican minority, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid both remain against any deal that would see them face a drop any larger than 10 feet.

Indeed, many Congressional leaders are reported to have rejected the deal, but Mr Scott said the sheer weight of numbers would ensure it gets pushed through “quite literally”.

“We understand no one like going over a cliff.”

“But it’s us or them.”

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Mitt Romney Told Number of Poor in US, Quits Presidential Race

MASSACHUSETTS – The battle for president has taken a last minute twist with news that Mitt Romney has dropped out of the race after learning how many poor people actually live in America.

Reports suggest the GOP candidate had not been fully aware of the precise number of Americans living in poverty, a statistic he learned earlier today for the first time.

Staff say Romney was so disgusted by the discovery that he decided it was no longer worth becoming president.

Election bombshell

Sources close to the Romney campaign describe the “5 minutes of madness” that lead to the stunning development when the former Massachusetts governor stormed out of his campaign headquarters muttering “…didn’t work this hard for so many Goddamn moochers” and “Obama can have the damn thing” following a phone call from an anonymous source.

His campaign manager was at a loss to explain was looks like being the most shocking tantrum thrown by a presidential candidate since George Washington was told he had too many slaves.

“I’m just as shocked as you are right now,” admitted a flustered Matt Rhoades.  “One minute Mitt is on the phone asking for support, the next he’s looking like a donkey just dropped its balls in his mouth.”

Mr Rhoades told reporters he heard Romney yell “HOW MANY?” over the noise of the crowded room.

“Before I could ask what happened he’s up off his chair and storms outta here.  Can someone tell me what’s going on?!”

Campaign difficulties

The timing has taken several of his campaign staff by surprised as “we all thought he knew how many poor people there were in the country,” according to campaign assistant Mandy Shepard.

“I just assumed Mitt was ok with it.”

With just hours left in the race Romney’s team face an uphill battle to bring him around to the idea of working this hard for so many impoverished citizens.

In efforts to salvage the campaign Mr Rhoades has called in Romney’s vice presidential running mate to “talk some sense into him”.

Paul Ryan is expected to remind the presidential hopeful that with their economic and health care plans in place there wouldn’t be any poor people to worry about.

“This isn’t a lost cause by any means,” added Mr Rhoade.

“I just hope no one tells him how many black people there are here.”

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Mitt Romney Crushed By Magic 8-Ball in Debate Warm Up

BOSTON – Mitt Romney has suffered a major setback ahead of the presidential debates after a crushing defeat to Magic 8-Ball forced him to call short a warm up debate session.

Facing questions on popular election issues, Romney answered by judging which string of words were most favourable in that given moment, and the Magic 8-Ball answered by being shaken vigorously for five seconds.

Observers say the fortune-telling toy proved much more consistent with its answers.

Tough opponent

This was the first time Mitt Romney had debated against a candidate filled with this much alcoholic substance since Rick Perry, and he looked uncomfortable again as the spherical object began pulling ahead in polling on a range of international and domestic issues.

A focus group of voters said the cold, hollow and inanimate candidate came off far worse than the Magic 8-Ball in many areas.  It went on to trounce the former Massachusetts governor with a string of clear affirmative responses in comparison to Romney’s vague non-answers.

One example came when asked whether he would release his tax returns if elected president.  Mitt Romney could only reply “cannot predict now”.

“You could tell he was struggling up there,”  recalled campaign manager Matt Rhoades who ended the session.  “We had to do something.  He was getting his ass handed to him by Magic 8-Ball.”

News of the pre debate loss is a major setback for and Romney’s campaign managers have already cancelled further warm up sessions against more formidable opponents such as Apple’s Siri.

‘Outlook not so good’

Romney himself remained optimistic, suggesting that while he “wasn’t as eloquent as I could have been,” he could improve on what he saw as his only weakness in his debate performance: answering simple yes-no questions on basic elements of his policies.

However, those who watched the proceedings were less enthusiastic about his chances.

“I felt Magic 8-Ball came across more credible,” explained one participant, Sue Baker, who scored the black and white plastic ball ahead by 11 points before the session was called to an end.

Another onlooker felt the Magic 8-Ball was “more concise, empathetic to human interests and showed a lot of personality on stage in comparison to Romney.”

Texas native Derek Rogers, explained: “It had Romney beat on a lot of the big issues.  I came out of this a big supporter of the vision Magic 8-Ball has for this country.”

“Mitt could really learn from this guy.”

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David Cameron Rates White House Visit 2.5 Stars On TripAdvisor

ENGLAND – UK Prime Minister David Cameron has risked damaging the relationship between America and Britain after rating his U.S. visit two and a half stars on TripAdvisor.

Following the return from the U.S., the Conservative leader updated his profile on the travel reviews website with the lowest rating of any state visit since Hitler passed through Poland in 1939.

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Stuntman Fails To Jump U.S. Economic Inequality Gap

TRIBECA – Worrying reports out of New York indicate that an U.S. born daredevil has suffered serious injuries after a failed attempt to jump America’s growing inequality gap.

Jeff Thompson is said to have sustained fractures to both legs, lacerations to his upper body and several cracked ribs when his modified Honda CRF 450 proved unable to traverse the vast empty space between the one percent of wealth owners and the rest of society.

His manager was left distraught as Thompson was airlifted to a nearby medical facility.

Impossible stunt

“I told him not to do it. Christ!  I told him – but he kept saying he could do it.  I blame myself.”

There have been suggestions that Thompson was unaware the inequality gap had actually grown since the last time he considered the “crazy stunt”, leading to accusations of poor preparations.

This was rejected by his manager who said that any reasonable person could have seen the gap had grown considerably, “but Jett just didn’t want to know”.

Having already jumped a tank full of electric eels, a chasm, a 14 deep line of school buses through a ring of fire and Kanye West’s ego, Thompson had been looking for a more daring challenge and saw the gap between the have and have-nots as the perfect opportunity to cement his name in daredevil history.

Speaking before the near fatal stunt, Thompson optimistically told reporters: “This is it.  This is the big one.  I’m going to take my Honda and do something that has never been done in the history of stunt men.  Prepare to be amazed.”

Medical staff at Bellevue Hospital Center rated his chances of survival as 50-50.

Moving target

“It’s touch and go but he’s a fighter for sure,”  said Dr Howard Feinstein.  “Though what he was doing trying to jump such a clearly impossible chasm is beyond me.  He could have killed himself!”

Fans praised Mr Thompson for daring to push the boundaries, but admitted that he bit of more than he could chew this time around.

“We all loved it when he made the jump over Kanye’s sense of self-importance.  We weren’t sure he wouldn’t be able to top that one,” commented admiring fan Debbie Rawlings

“But the reality is one percent of Americans are in control of 50% of the nation’s wealth – how did he ever think he could make that,” she said.

“This isn’t like jumping a chasm.  There are serious risks involved.”

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Rick Perry Outlines Plan To Withdraw From Education By 2020

TEXAS – In his latest televised statement, Rick Perry has announced that if elected president he would immediately withdraw all children from education by 2020 at the very latest.

With over 60 million children currently serving tours in public and private institutions, the Republican nominee said the pull out from schools across the country was long overdue.

“We’ve been in education since 1800. Or was it 1850? I never paid much attention in history class.”

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China Scolds US For Bringing Home ‘Shameful’ Grades

BEIJING – China has launched an astonishing attack on the United States after it received ‘shameful’ grades in it’s latest credit rating report card.

Despite scraping triple A’s from Moody’s and Fitch and a AAA+ in PE, the AA+ grade means the US has fallen ‘well short’ of Chinese expectations, having failed the economic portion of finals exams.

Expressing their ‘severe disappointment’, largest holder of US treasury bills said it would not tolerate someone they provide ongoing financial support to bring home anything less than straight triple A’s.

They also warned if the grades didn’t pick up fast they would hand out “one hell of a spanking.”

Must do better

A spokesperson for the S&P said the outcome could have been avoided if the US had just studied well ahead of time for the debt ceiling portion of examinations instead of trying to cram meaningful debate on a balanced, growth oriented economic policy the night before.

China are thought to be particularly disappointed over America’s failure considering “we buy everything for them so they can to focus on getting good grades.”

A Chinese official was quoted as saying: “Why they not get triple A huh?  AA+ not good enough.  Maybe in Belgium’s house, but not here.  They may as well bring home F.  Same thing!”

The source also confirmed there was ‘no way’ this report card would be put on the fridge.

To make matters worse the agency issued a negative outlook, meaning the US could be forced to sit in the Special Ed classes with Ireland and Greece if it continued it’s downward slide.

‘Where did we go wrong?’

China have now called on the US to get itself get a tutor and increase the number of hours it spent studying amid worries the downgrade would prevent the world’s largest economy to get into a good Ivy League school.

For it’s part, the United States blamed the fall in grades on the fact it was “going through some stuff right now, okay.”

A spokeswoman for the S&P did offer some optimism for concerned China, reminding that the top grade was only missed by a mere margin of endless bi-partisan bickering, which could be improved by taking extra classes.

She added: “If America buckles down, studies hard and makes a real effort to move beyond childlike partisan politics it might avoid having to repeat the year.”

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