Tag Archive | "al-qaeda"

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PRISM Program Forces Al-Qaeda into Mass Redundancies

AFGHANISTAN – al-Qaeda have announced mass redundancies will take place after the discovery of a U.S. operated online surveillance program, citing “lack of future opportunities”.

The organisation admitted the presence of an extensive surveillance system that circumvented Fourth Amendment rights of citizens was a “cause for concern” to their viability.

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Republicans Slam Obama For “Soft Poultry Policy” After Turkey Pardon

WASHINGTON DC – Leading Republican figures have slammed Barack Obama’s handling of the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon and called for a tougher stance on wild game.

In what is being labelled as further evidence of a “secular, Islamist, pro-turkey agenda”, the President gave pardons to two 40-pound turkeys, Cobbler and Gobbler, without full knowledge of their crimes.

According to many in the party, the leniency shown to each turkey “almost certainly” puts them closer to gaining a nuclear weapon.

Failed policies

Party thought leaders said both birds should have been tried before a jury of their peers, letting the system decide if they should have they records expunged and agreed it was on the President’s head if these turkeys went on to obtain weapons of mass destruction.

“This is an outrage!” Blasted radio host Rush Limbaugh.  “Barack Hussein Obama has now pardoned eight turkeys during his time in the White House. Each one a missed meal.”

Michele Bachmann called move “naive” as the turkey now had a free rein to commit further atrocities.

“I think it’s sad that we don’t have a president that is able to stand up to the pro-turkey lobby and continues to let guilty birds plan God knows what in our country.”

In addition to sharpening his criticism of Obama on poultry policy, Ryan also took aim at the administration for sending mixed signals – pardoning two turkeys before siting down to his own Thanksgiving meal later that day.

“Look across the President’s table today and what do we see?” Ryan asked the assembled audience. “Cranberry sauce, yams, stuffing, gravy, oh and what’s this?  Turkey.”

Former GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry called turkeys one of the three most despicable birds out there.  “You got pigeons, turkeys and…ah geez, opps. I forgot, but the point is that Obama might be a Muslim.”

Unanswered questions

With no official explanation from the Obama administration, Conservative pundits continue to question what the White House is hiding from the public.

“I can’t help the feeling we’re not seeing the whole picture,” suggested Fox News host Megan Kelly.

“Why these turkeys huh?  What’s so special about them?”

“Why was there no trial before an official pardon?”

“Why won’t the White House tell us what they were pardoned for?”

“Who are Cobbler and Gobbler, really?”

“What’s the real story here?”

It is now widely expected both birds, Cobbler and Gobbler, would rejoin with groups linked to al-Qaeda.

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Barack Obama Gives Predator Drone To Every Audience Member In Debate

FLORIDA – The third presidential debate saw a stunning surprise as Barack Obama announced every single audience member would be getting their own predator drone to take home.

In what was the biggest surprise of the campaign so far, President Obama gave all in attendance a box, suggesting whoever had a remote guidance system would get a Predator drone.  The Lynn  University crowd went ballistic when they quickly realised everyone was getting a Predator drone.

The shocking reveal came in response to a moderator question over the president’s policy on drone attacks.

Dreams do come true

With many expecting the issue to be overlooked entirely, onlookers were genuinely surprised when Bob Schieffer turned the subject of the debate to the secretive practise of unmanned and indiscriminate bombing of civilian areas between Afghanistan and Pakistan.

But they were even more surprised when the president asked them to look under their seats.

“Look Bob,” Mr Obama began in his response.  “We’ve been using drones successfully to take out al-Qaeda operative who would do us harm.”

The president continued: “…What I’m trying to say is, I think if everyone in the audience takes a peek under their seat they’ll find the answer to that particular question.”

As people felt underneath the lecture room seating they discovered mysterious boxes.

“Now I want you to hold your box but don’t open them,” Obama said with a knowing smile.

After calling for a drum roll the president instructed the audience to “open up those boxes and see what you’ve got in there.”

It was at that point the crowd realised every box had controls to an MQ-1 Predator drone and in front of an audience of eligible voters, the president ecstatically cried “You get a drone.  You get a drone.  Youuuu get a drone!”

“Everybody gets a drone.  Everybody gets a Predator drone!”

‘Is this the wildest thing ever or what?’

“This is so freaking cool!” Cried on tearful audience member.  “I never had a drone before. Obama is the man!”

President Obama told the audience they were free to use the drones “as you see fit,” adding: “There’s no need to tell anyone what you do with them,” as “heck, we don’t tell you anything.”

Another voter said they would be putting their drone to use right away in clearing the lines at the next Macy’s sale.

“I hope that answers your question Bob,” finished the president as the fever pitch finally died down.

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9/11 Anniversary: Bin Laden Dead, But Charlie Sheen Still Out There

NEW YORK – Barack Obama has warned the American people to stay vigilant, reminding the nation that although Osama Bin Laden may be dead “Charlie Sheen is still out there.”

Speaking at a ceremony marking the 11th anniversary of terror attacks on the country, President Obama made clear the threat that still existed.

“Last year we launched a successful operation to remove the head of the world’s most dangerous terrorist organisations. But we are not safe.  Charlie Sheen has a new show.”

This stark warning follows confirmed intelligence reports that the Hollywood actor is preparing to release another sitcom targeted at millions of Americans with cable.

New threat

With Anger Management picked up for 90 episodes, the president admitted the continuation of Charlie Sheen’s career has been one of his biggest failings during his first term in office.

In a poignant moment, relatives read aloud the names of those who have said they would “check out” the new show and held a minute silence for those lost to good television.

President Obama flexed his domestic security policy credentials and announced he would work tirelessly to see Charlie Sheen off screens “once and for all.”

“Somehow Charlie escaped his own self-destruction.  We don’t know if he had help from al-Qaeda or what,” said the president who outlined the scale of the threat posed by Sheen’s generic base humor and overacting.

“We accomplished much in almost four years,” began Obama.  “We reformed healthcare.  Meaning little Susie can get the treatment she needs regardless of pre-existing conditions.”

“Thanks to the bailout of the auto industry General Motors are open for business and Mom and dad can ride little Timmy to school proud to know that car was built right here.  In these United States.”

“But what about little Eric?  He’s still forced to watch this maniac play the exact same character no matter what show it is and that’s just not good enough.”

‘We have options’

Obama went on to pledge to rid TV of the lowest form of pre-scripted, mindless, manufactured mental corrosion next to Fox News.

He offered a positive note however, saying the U.S. has emerged “even stronger” following nine seasons of punchlines you can see coming a mile away.

He declared to a rapturous audience: “Why, just yesterday I watched Breaking Bad just and let me tell you America.  The state of our TV is strong.”

“And if we can survive the Kardashians, we can survive this.”

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“Al-Qaeda May Be Plotting To Fund Future Series of The Kardashians,” Warn FBI

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a troubling statement, the FBI have warned al-Qaeda may be preparing renewed attacks on the United States, possibly by funding future seasons of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Officials are on high alert on the anniversary of Osama Bin Laden’s death.  Endless adventures of the Kardashian sisters could be the most deadly attack on a western nation since IRA militants attempted to keep Big Brother on air in the UK, a plan foiled when Channel Five bought the rights to air the show.

President Obama has been briefed on the possible threat and kept from watching E! for his own safety.

New terror alert

The new concern is based on information the terrorist organisation may be building a “war chest” of funds to make sure that The Kardashians continues into seasons eight and beyond.

Robert Mueller, director of the FBI was frank in his assessment:  “We don’t want to alarm anybody, but our simulations show if al-Qaeda help produce continued inconsequential adventures of this family of narcissistic attention seekers beyond seven seasons the country will not recover.”

Ayman al-Zawahiri had promised retaliation for the death of Osama Bin Laden, and it’s thought ensuring the nation is preoccupied with which basketball team the Kardashian sisters were sleeping with would be considered a suitable response.

Mueller claimed this particular threat was troubling as it would be able to bypass traditional defences and hit the mental faculty of millions within a three metre radius of their televisions.

A White House counter-terrorism advisor has already suggested protective measures against continued exposure to the Kardashian family – advising immediate viewing of C-SPAN if exposed.

‘We will remain vigilant’

Such an attack would be a departure from historical methods, but security experts say if successful could do more lasting damage, suggesting “our grandchildren will be many times dumber than we are now.”

“If al-Qaeda launch an attack to continue funding this show it could reduce our ability to think beyond a third grade level.”

“The country’s infrastructure would be set back decades, in that the country would lose the mental capacity to even build infrastructure for decades.”

Playing down fears, Department of Homeland Security spokesman Peter Booguard said authorities have “no indication of any specific credible plots or threats tied to the Bin Laden anniversary.”

He did however indicate that should future series of The Kardashians be green lit, Seal Team Six would be on hand to neutralise the threat to American lives.

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Al-Qaeda: US Must Better Protect Its Freedoms Before More Attacks

AFGHANISTAN – In a newly released video message, al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri launched a scathing attack against the U.S. for introducing legislation that “will make our job of terrorizing American citizens redundant”.

The message, issued on Islamist websites late on Thursday, features Zawahiri rallying against the National Defense Authorization Act which would “destroy at least five or six civil liberties we had our eye on attack next year.”

Homeland Security have confirmed the authenticity of the recording.

‘What is the point?’

According to the terrorist mastermind, a bill that allows American citizens to be detained indefinitely, interrogated and assassinated makes it pointless to consider the United States a target for future terror attacks.

“I tell our brothers united in Jihad against the West that we need to take hostages and hold them in secret cells, but America already plan to do this,” cried Zawihiri.

“So I tell my brothers we should instead begin leading strikes against innocents in the country of the infidels, but America want to do this too!”

On the tape, the  al-Qaeda leader became increasingly agitated as he demanded the U.S. government halt the erosion of its freedoms that would result in as any as a dozen sleepers cells being made redundant due to a lack of opportunities.

Zawihiri said the United States needed to do “much much” more to protect its freedoms if al-Qaeda are to continue targeting the country, and went as far as suggesting the organisation may consider moving its operations to a country less terrorized by its own elected leaders.

Must do more

Towards the end of the 38 minute rant, Zawihiri showed deep concern that American would now have to go a long way to ensuring the integrity of its constitutional liberties before any of their planned atrocities would be noticed.

“Now if we go and start assassinating innocent people no one would believe it was our idea,” blasted a frustrated Zawihri.

Looking defeated, he announced that while al-Qaeda is “fully prepared” to continue Jihad again the freedoms of the West, “if these freedom no longer exist then what am I recruiting you all for, huh?”

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Herman Cain Military Plan “Taken From Command & Conquer”

GEORGIA – Republican presidential nominee Herman Cain has come under more scrutiny after critics compared his plans for US defense to the original Command & Conquer video game.

The former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza previously outlined his military strategy as president would be “to select all available units and click repeatedly on the enemy” – a policy popular with the old school real-time strategy game.

Herman Cain has already had to fight of “ridiculous accusations” that his 999 tax plan closely mirrored Sim City 4’s default tax settings.

There were also rumors that his plan for boosting American agriculture had been lifted from Farmville.

‘I don’t even play video games’

Titled the ‘select-attack-win’ plan, Herman Cain believed it would drastically simplify military operations to a level that even novices could understand.

He denied the similarities and brushed off comparisons to the popular ‘90s real time strategy game as ‘coincidental’.

Mr Cain was confident his “super-simple” strategy for defending American interest both home and abroad would be accepted by the US military.

“It’s very simple,” he explained.  “Imagine we’re in conflict with Iran.  With my ‘select-attack-win’ plan in place we would just gather all available troops stationed in the surrounding areas and march them in the most direct path possible to Ahmedinejad’s door.”

The GOP front-runner did conceded that a disproportionate number of lives would be lost, “but they could be respawned for the next mission.”

His explanation raised eyebrows further when an internal document from the Cain campaign stated a goal of “ensuring the enemy gave up all its Tiberium” and contingencies that included “restarting wars until the desired outcome was achieved.”

Simplified strategy

Military experts appeared to agree with criticisms.  General David Petraeus said he held “serious reservations” that the plan would stand up against more experienced nations, suggesting that such tactics would only be effective against “noob countries”.

But Herman Cain has continued to defend the viability of the ‘select-attack-win’ plan, which he said would lead to wars that lasted “moments, not decades.”

Mr Cain remained confident that attacking foreign combatants before they got a chance to build their defenses would lead to military dominance.

“Yes the enemy will see us coming, but our overwhelming numbers would make us impossible to stop and we would win wars just like that,” he proclaimed while snapping his fingers.

“Think of the money we would save with short wars.  That’s the ‘select-attack-win’ plan right there.”

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9/11 Anniversary: French Raise Alert Level To ‘Surrender’

PARIS – In the run up to the 10th anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attacks, France has quickly moved to raise their alert level to its highest position: ‘Surrender’.

The anniversary has brought to light a number of credible plots from extremist organisations including al-Qaeda, prompting the French government to raise the nation’s response level to one not seen since World War 2.

Speaking on national television, a shaken French president Nicolas Sarkozy said the decision to pre-emptively concede was necessary to ensure “we submit to whatever threat we are faced with at the earliest possible convenience

Sacré bleu!

Mr Sarkozy insisted the move up from the previous level of ‘Hide’ had not been taken lightly.”

“We stand on the eve of a very special occasion,” and one that “could see enemies of France plot to launch attacks to threaten our way of life and dampen our collective spirits.”

“To those that would seek to harm or threaten us in any way, we have only one thing to say: We give up.  Take what you want.  Merci Beacoup.”

Interior Minister Claude Guéant said critical government departments were already running through security drills in preparation for any hint of even the slightest threat.

He did not elaborate on the additional security measures taken, but did move to reassure the French people that should the unthinkable happen, “this country can be in the hands of the enemy in well under 24 hours.”

Mr Guéant continued: “We’re being pro-active to ensure that we are able to surrender ourselves as soon as is logistically practical.”

Besides the home address, the interior also issued a travel warning to citizens abroad over the weekend: “Should you find yourself under threat, please lay down your arms and let the aggressors do as they will.”

‘Everyone is on edge’

The warning is one of many being issued across Europe as leaders prepare themselves for the possibility of attack from extremists planning attacks to coincide with the 9/11 anniversary.

Reports from Germany indicate the government has received specific intel on several threats, and are discussing plans to raise their alert level to “Humorless arrogance.”

Elsewhere, authorities in Britain have already taken steps to raise the nation’s alert level to “Moan and tut”.

This is one off the highest level of “Phone and complain” but Prime minister David Cameron said there had not yet been sufficient evidence to warrant such drastic action.

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“Al-Qaeda Planning 9/11 Anniversary Dinner” Says Homeland Security

WASHINGTON DC – US security officials have leaned that al-Qaeda are planning an ‘ambitious’ dinner ahead of the anniversary of the September 11th attacks, “possibly on a rooftop or in a candlelight room somewhere.”

The announcement comes as chatter caught by the FBI shows the radical group to be in the “advanced stages” of a plot to host an elaborate meal to celebrate the occasion.

Only sketchy details have been given over the nature of the meal and security authorities emphasised that while the intelligence was uncorroborated, “we think it’s a seven course meal with a fish or steak based main course.”

A White House official confirmed the president had been briefed on the dinner plans earlier in the day.

Special occasion

Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano called the threat “the biggest plot we have seen from this organisation since their failed attempt to arrange a movie night earlier this year.”

She told reporters there had been “a lot of chatter” surrounding the topic of table settings and plate arrangements, but now details on specific menu items are beginning to emerge.

There are have also been unconfirmed reports of three chefs with links to al-Qaeda entering a US based culinary institution in August to learn skills necessary to prepare the landmark meal.

This, coupled with several best selling cookbooks retrieved from Osama bin Laden’s Abbottabad compound in May, suggests the former al-Qaeda leader planned to put on a “lavish feast” to mark the 10th anniversary.

Several pages were also said to be smeared with tomato and herb sauce: A clear sign the plot had moved past planning stages.

‘We must remain vigilent’

Officials believe new al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri will look to pick up where Osama bin Laden left off.

It’s likely the meal would be put together the night before, slow roasted overnight , then deployed during Sunday afternoon when it would have maximum flavour.

“Al-Qaeda has shown an interest in important dates and anniversaries so it’s no surprise they would plan something of this nature.  A rooftop is likely, but a quiet candlelight enclosure would be more romantic,” Napolitano suggested.

“We are positive they will not forget to do something special for their 10 year anniversary.  Unlike some men I know.”

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Al-Qaeda Unsuccessful In Bid to Get Tickets For 2012 Olympics

LONDON – London Metropolitan Police have been given a major boost ahead of the 2012 Olympics after reports confirmed groups with possible links to al-Qaeda have failed to get any ‘decent’ tickets for the most popular events.

The terrorist organisation were understood to be plotting large scale terror attacks at popular events during the London games, but it has since emerged that due to extremely high demand and “a confusing allocation process,” the group have been unsuccessful in their attempts to secure any of the most sought after tickets.

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