Tag Archive | "Africa"

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Nigel Farage Blasts Immigrant Policy As Saharan Dust Settles In UK

UNITED KINGDOM – Nigel Farage has demanded a tougher immigration policy after large amounts of dust were allowed to migrate from Africa and settle in the UK this week.

The UK Independence Party leader said the coalition’s “soft” immigration policy had opened the door for Saharan dust to enter the UK “without any stringent checks”.

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A Response Letter From Joseph Kony

CENTRAL AFRICA – The following letter to internet users was delivered today on behalf of Joseph Kony:

Dear internet users,

By now you are no doubt aware of the highly inflammatory claim made by many on your “social network” websites.  Ever since a certain video went viral I have had to face continuous accusations and frankly, enough is enough.

The slanderous images being spread on your Facebook and your Twitter have further hindered my credibility and it is this witch-hunt that has left me with no option but to issue this definitive denial:

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Internet Users Frustrated Joseph Kony Still Free After Week of Tweeting

INTERNET – Following an entire week of tweeting, internet users have reportedly become frustrated that Joseph Kony has not been captured, branding the situation as “lame”.

Despite an internet campaign calling for the arrest of Kony going viral,  thousands over Twitter users are said to be disillusioned over the failure of their tweets to bring the head of the Lord’s Resistance Army to justice.

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Ohio Officials Thank Libyan Rebels For Putting Down Libyan Mad Dog

ZANESVILLE – An Ohio sheriff said has issued his “sincerest thanks” to Libya’s National Transitional Council for putting down the last of the wild animals to escape from a private zoo.

The Libyan mad dog (canis lupis rabiosi) is a non-domesticated form of canine native to the North African country and notorious for irrational violence, unintelligible communication patterns and a distinctive jheri curl-like coat.

Libyan officials described the escaped wild animals as “extremely dangerous”, advising residents to stay indoors “or call your nearest NATO representative” if spotted.

Finally got them all

Speaking at a press conference, Sheriff Matt Lutz confirmed “we have now accounted for all animals to escape the zoo during the week,” before thanking the rebels for assisting with the unfortunate termination of all animals released.

Libyan rebel chief Mahmoud Jibril promised to return the body to Ohio state in the morning for proper disposal – It is still not known how one of the escaped animals managed to travel as far as North Africa.

Despite praise from the sheriff’s department, the rebels have come under harsh criticism from animal rights group PETA, who slammed them for not making greater efforts to bring the escaped animal alive.

“We understand these animals are wild and dangerous,” said a spokesperson.  “The mad dog is especially troublesome and a public danger, but we just believe the rebels could have made greater strides to subdue it by non-lethal means like tranquilizers or UN sanction.”

‘Had to end this way’

US nature host Jack Hanna said the death was especially tragic as it was the only one left in the wild, but did agree rebel forces “probably did the right thing.”

“Of course it’s always best to see dangerous animals returned safely to the facility.  But once it goes this long without capture, the animal can become feral and there’s usually really only one way these things end.”

He later added: “Dems the breaks.”

The shooting brings the final death toll to 18 Bengal tigers, 20 lions, 1 wolf, 6 black bears, 2 grizzly bears, 1 baboon and 1 mad dog.

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Ashton Kutcher ‘To Replace Colonel Gaddafi In Libya’

LIBYA – Multiple reports out of Tripoli have indicated that former Punk’d star Ashton Kutcher is in ‘late stage’ talks to replace Colonel Gaddafi as leader of Libya.

Recent events appear to have put an end to the Libyan ruler’s multi-decade run as the firebrand, but lovable dictator.  This after a NATO backed rebel uprising have left him “seriously considering other career options,” according to reports.

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Africa To Send Peacekeeping Force To England

RWANDA- After widespread rioting in England this week, the African Union has confirmed it will send peacekeeping troops to prevent “these mindless savages” from descending again into violence.

Reports from the African Union’s Peace and Security Council indicate up to 3000 troops will be deployed to aid peacekeeping and humanitarians efforts in the strife affected regions.

AU chair person Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo said that many of the member countries have pledged to take an indefinite break from conducting their own civil wars to aid “those that could really use our help right now.”

Adult supervision

The ruler of Equatorial Guinea made clear that “our mandate is to ensure these terrible scenes are never witnessed again,” after admitting he could only shake his head in disgust during the worst of the violence.

He later added: “We cannot not sit back and watch these once proud people acting like they have no mothers.”

The AU insist they will only pull out of England when its mandate expires “or when these people learned some basic human decency,” whichever came first.

Nguema Mbasogo said with the troubled environment many looters lived in, it was no surprise it had come to this.

The poor conditions were evidenced by use of Blackberry devices, as any self-respecting people would have used an iPhone or Android based mobile device to coordinate their actions.

“We can understand the rage born from years of having to pay for things that cost money.  But there are other ways to get around this kind of oppression…interest free payment plans and 0% balance transfers for instance.”

As well as the military intervention, they would also launch a fundraiser to raise basic necessities for local children so they wouldn’t have to resort to desperate measures like throwing a brick throw a window and grabbing what they could.

‘We will do all we can’

Nguema Mbasogo reminded potential donors that just 54,461 Guinea Francs a month would be enough to ensure a British child did not have to go to sleep without a 50 inch plasma TV.

With forces to be deployed imminently, some have admitted to being worried by the prospect of moving into such a volatile environment but would take the risk to help those in need.

“I blame the parents really,” said one troop member Mamadou Mbaye, though he refused to hold that against them and assured England that “Africa is here for you.”

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UK Warn Hosepipe Ban Across Ethiopia ‘Imminent’

ETHIOPIA – The UK government have warned that a “country-wide” hosepipe ban could be enforced across parts of East Africa in the face of the region’s worst drought for decades.

Water conservationist Chris Matthews said the country was facing weather that had not been this dry since the early days of the universe when the Earth was “much much closer to the sun,” and advised that the use of hosepipes may soon be heavily restricted.

“It’s what we in England do when it gets hot, and frankly if it’s good enough for us it should work here too.”

National emergency

With no rain forecast for the next three months, the growing crisis has prompted calls for governments in Ethiopia, Kenya and Somalia to mandate better management procedures to help cope throughout the summer.

“This is a situation that requires everyone to cut back on those things we all take for granted,” declared Prime Minister David Cameron.  “Things like watering the lawn, washing the car and installing a second water fixture -you know, the things we take for granted.”

Experts say a hosepipe ban was inevitable and Mr Cameron also suggested those caught ignoring the ban be fined up to £1000 to help indicate the severity of the situation to those in the county.

“No one wanted it to come to this,” he claimed, “but we all have to make sacrifices.”

‘Every drop counts’

Criticising was he saw as wasteful practises, Mr Matthews remarked: “Do we really to throw water out after washing seven children?  Why not nine?  Such a terrible waste of resources.”

He called for the people of Ethiopia to start thinking seriously about water conservation and begin the steps of proper water management during the drought.

“We’re looking for people to pull up their socks and stop looking so glum all the time – To be fair, the water here looks like it’s been reused at least a dozen times, so maybe they are paying attention.”

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IMF Chief Drops Soap, Receives Ironic Treatment In Jail

NEW YORK – Dominique Strauss-Khan is said to be finding the level of irony in his treatment in jail difficult to take after reports of being taken by surprise, “bent over and f–ked” while on remand.

After years of treating smaller financially troubled nations like their own personal gimp, his defense lawyers fear the same treatment at the hands of New York’s roughest criminals may be more irony than their client could reasonably be expected to handle.

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Sarah Palin Visits Zoo To Boost Foreign Experience

CALIFORNIA – Following recent trips to India and Israel, Sarah Palin has made a visit to San Diego Zoo in a last grasp effort to gain foreign policy experience. 

For the former Alaska governor, the trip to San Diego Zoo – which provides access to animals from Africa, Europe and Asia among others – offers a chance to distinguish herself and at the same time burnish her famously weak foreign experience as she hits back at criticism over her lack of world experience.

The former vice presidential candidate also bought a Churro which she was sure came from Mexican.

World traveller

“This park has over 800 species from all over the globe,” she noted while reading the trivia on the back of her day pass.  “Has Obama been to see the Hissing Cockroaches of Madagascar?  I don’t think so.”

It’s thought that the trip has been panned ahead of a presidential run, which politcal analysts say could prove a masterstroke as it allows her to visit some of the most foreign places on earth within the zoo’s 9am to 6pm opening hours.

The Sea Lions Rock! show was supposed to be her first visit of the day, but she was turned away as the animals were said to be ‘feeling poorly’ that day.

However, poor scheduling meant they missed the Dr. Zoolittle Children’s Show.

It is unclear whether Mrs Palin and her team failed to realise that the show is scheduled for Saturdays and Sundays only, a mistake often made by foreign tourists, though not so often by visiting politicians.

‘Nothing but a photo opportunity’

In a controversial moment, she warned about the growing threat of China after seeing Bai Yun – a giant panda – in the flesh.

“It’s huge!” was the astute claim from Palin. “And did you see the way it ripped through bamboo?  Gosh, we better watch those Chinese guys eh.”

Though the trip has come under fire as a desperate and opportunistic attempt to look like a globally savvy statesman in the most harmless and controlled manner, critics we forced to admit that she had at least spent more time at the zoo than as Governor of her state.

Mrs Palin expressed her thanks to staff for keeping the park open an extra hour so she could complete thier tour, which included holding session with a pack of Kangaroos, settling a dispute between Indian Tigers and African Bonobos, all before getting her picture taking with reindeer from Northern Europe.

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FIFA Officials Accused of Cheating in FIFA Soccer 96

ZURICH – Three senior Fifa officials have been accused of ‘gross acts of misconduct’ whilst playing FIFA Soccer 96 on the Sega Genesis.  In a damning report this week , Nicolas Leoz, Issa Hayatou and Ricardo Teixeira are all alleged to have taken advantage of numerous loopholes in the popular video game, including the ability to score from the halfway line at will.

The report suggests that all three took advantage to win games against opponents who were unaware of how horribly unbalanced the game was.  Also cases of players being bribe to throw games by ‘accidentally’ unplugging controller, scoring own goals and keeping players stationary while letting player two take the goalkeeper all the way to the opposition penalty area to score a winning goal.

The three men have denied the allegations of bad sportsmanship, challenging accusers to provide the save game files to prove guilt.

Mr Hayatou, Fifa vice-president representing football in African nations, was quoted in one leaked email with the subject “Yesterday”, saying “Oh!  Remember how badly you got beat son.  FROM THE HALFWAY LINE!!!  Don’t hate the player, hate the game!”

A former FIFA account manager, who choose to remain anonymous, said that staff had long suspected cheating was going on ever since he was destroyed by his EA Dream Team.

He added that these allegations were irrelevant in this day and age when FIFA 11 had just come out, adding that taking advantage of the bugs were just part of the experience back then.  “It’s not my fault you can score from the half way line…it’s not cheating, it’s just the way the system is built.”

Profiles: FIFA Soccer 96 Accused

Nicolas Leoz [GamerTag: SmokesMadBluntsXX]

President of South America’s football federation, Mr Leoz is a long-time player of the FIFA series ever since FIFA International Soccer in 1993.

The 82-year-old Paraguayan, the oldest of FIFA player on record is a lawyer profession, but describes himself as still able to put up a game against anyone ‘brave enough to pick up the controller against me’.


He says his favourite football match of all time was his defeat of England, playing as Argentina in  FIFA: Road to World Cup 98.

Issa Hayatou [Gamertag: Cheetah]

The 64-year-old Cameroonian has been a steady payer of the series since switching from ISS and playing FIFA Soccer 95 instead.

He is also a member of a local online FIFA league, and helped organise the 11 vs 11 match between his office and the bakery down the street.


His decades as the best African FIFA Soccer gamer have not been without controversy.

He received strong criticism earlier this year after a game between himself and a rival gamer ended with accusations he had given his opponent and ‘busted controller’ which lead to a 7-1 win for Hayatou.  He continues to deny the charges.

Ricardo Teixeira [GamerTag: ShowMeTheMoney]

Ricardo Teixeira, 63, has been considered to be the best FIFA Soccer player over 50 for years since his closest rival died of cardiac arrest in 2006.


Mr Texeira was married to Lucia Havelange, daughter of former Fifa president Joao Havelange, for almost 30 years until their divorce, sparked by continued arguments over whether FIFA was better than Pro Evolution Soccer.

It remains to be seen how the new will affect the voting for the 2018 2022 tournament hosting.

At a recent press conference, Fifa president Sepp Blatter was asked about the  allegations to which he  replied: “Should it be knowledgeable to us that these guy cheat on the game, then naturally we would have to look at that.  Maybe organise a rematch or something.”

However, Fifa’s media office, when asked how that would be facilitated, said they had no idea as they no longer had access to a working Genesis machine.

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