LANGLEY – The wife of former military officer David Petraeus has announced she has begun a phased withdrawal from their marriage to be completed by the end of 2013.

Speaking with friends and family, Mrs Holly Petraeus attributed plans for a “complete and utter emotional withdrawal” to her husband’s inability to “keep it in his pants.”

She did however indicate that a small force would be left behind in the form of “my foot up his ass.”

Military precision

It’s understood Mrs Petraeus began making plans for a withdrawal soon after details of her husband’s ongoing affair with biographer Paula Broadwell were made public.

Mrs Petraeus has already employed a divorce lawyer to protect against counter offensive measures from the ex CIA director who has already launched a surge of shameless apologies.

It’s understood the former military commander and current “jackass” had done more than enough to justify an exit from the 38 year union.

In a prepared statement, she explained: “After surveying the situation on the ground I have agreed with my legal counsel a timetable that will see myself removed from what has now become a marital quagmire.”

Mrs Petraeus announced that the timetable for her husband to get the hell out and never come back will be implemented immediately and is expected to be completed “no later than January 2013″.

The withdrawal is to be completed in phases, with the first phase seeing Mr Petraeus sleeping on the couch alone for a extended stretch.

This would quickly be followed by phase two which would see him gathering his personal belongs from the driveway of the family home, ending with stage three: “moving in with that damn floosy for all I care”.

Exit strategy

Though most military officials have praised her decision, several ex wives have argued the timetable for complete withdrawal give too much time to maneuver.

“If it was me I would have kicked his ass out right away,” advised Macy Cartwright who cited a Cosmo magazine poll showing nearly two thirds of cheating husbands talk their way back into the house after being busted.

And although in favour of the strategy, divorce lawyer Candy Simmons said it was a “bad move to broadcast your intentions this early in the proceedings” as “a public timetable could allow Mr Petraeus time to hide his assets.”

“She could have got much more in a divorce if he never saw it coming.”

FLORIDA – The third presidential debate saw a stunning surprise as Barack Obama announced every single audience member would be getting their own predator drone to take home.

In what was the biggest surprise of the campaign so far, President Obama gave all in attendance a box, suggesting whoever had a remote guidance system would get a Predator drone.  The Lynn  University crowd went ballistic when they quickly realised everyone was getting a Predator drone.

The shocking reveal came in response to a moderator question over the president’s policy on drone attacks.

Dreams do come true

With many expecting the issue to be overlooked entirely, onlookers were genuinely surprised when Bob Schieffer turned the subject of the debate to the secretive practise of unmanned and indiscriminate bombing of civilian areas between Afghanistan and Pakistan.

But they were even more surprised when the president asked them to look under their seats.

“Look Bob,” Mr Obama began in his response.  “We’ve been using drones successfully to take out al-Qaeda operative who would do us harm.”

The president continued: “…What I’m trying to say is, I think if everyone in the audience takes a peek under their seat they’ll find the answer to that particular question.”

As people felt underneath the lecture room seating they discovered mysterious boxes.

“Now I want you to hold your box but don’t open them,” Obama said with a knowing smile.

After calling for a drum roll the president instructed the audience to “open up those boxes and see what you’ve got in there.”

It was at that point the crowd realised every box had controls to an MQ-1 Predator drone and in front of an audience of eligible voters, the president ecstatically cried “You get a drone.  You get a drone.  Youuuu get a drone!”

“Everybody gets a drone.  Everybody gets a Predator drone!”

‘Is this the wildest thing ever or what?’

“This is so freaking cool!” Cried on tearful audience member.  “I never had a drone before. Obama is the man!”

President Obama told the audience they were free to use the drones “as you see fit,” adding: “There’s no need to tell anyone what you do with them,” as “heck, we don’t tell you anything.”

Another voter said they would be putting their drone to use right away in clearing the lines at the next Macy’s sale.

“I hope that answers your question Bob,” finished the president as the fever pitch finally died down.

NEW YORK – According to reports, extended 9/11 coverage has led to an increase in young children asking their parents: “Mom, dad.  Where does the war in Afghanistan come from?”

The question has put many parents in awkward situations as they attempts to explain the fundamentals of the decade long war to young people.

One father candidly suggested: “This is tougher that the time we had to explain Santa wasn’t real.”

Unmanned drones and the bees

Ninth grader Thomas Darmody admitted he was becoming increasingly curious about the subject after hearing so much about it on TV.

“I asked my folks where it came from, but I could tell they were uncomfortable talking about the whole thing.”

Darmody represents just one of several young people confused about 9/11 and the war in Afghanistan who have posed the awkward question to their parents.

“It was during dinner when Thomas got this confused look on his face.  The same one he got when he saw one lion mount another on that safari trip.”

“He looked us dead in the eye and asked: ‘Where does the war in Afghanistan come from?’”

“I didn’t know what to do.  He’s not even allowed to drink alcohol.  What’s he doing asking about 9/11 anyway?”

The subject has led to other tough questions such as “If it happened ten years ago why are we still in the country?” and “What’s a never ending geopolitical quagmire?”

Many parents are choosing to avoid the subject altogether with 15% of mothers offering “go ask your father” as an answer when the topic is raised in the household.

‘They grow up so fast’

However, some parents are making an effort to engage in frank discussions with their children.  Single parent Matthew Garnett recalled his experience explaining the war in Afghanistan his 13-year-old daughter.

“I sat Jenny down and told it straight. The war in Afghanistan is like…um…it’s like.  Well you see…it all starts with 9/11.  That starts the fertilisation period grown ups call ‘The War on Terror’.  Now, The War on Terror grows and grows and after ten long years of drawn out, expensive combat in a land far away, out comes this beautiful…err…we’re not really sure what it is yet.  But it’s something.”

“All in all we straightening things out,” said Mr Garnett.  “Better she learn it from me than on some crazy internet site.”

“I just hope to God she doesn’t ask about Iraq until she’s at least 18.”

UNITED KINGDOM – The Ministry of Defense has today confirmed it will begin producing the next generation of bullet proof armor from the same stuff that Jeremy Hunt is made of.

The announcement came after “extremely successful” trials during the Leveson inquiry in which Mr Hunt was subject to sustained, high velocity rounds of questioning over unethical behaviour and emerged unscathed.

Read the full story

WASHINGTON DC – In the wake of a web video showing Marines urinating on dead Afghans, Barack Obama has confirmed that all R Kelly music is to be banned from the military.

Officials in the military have blamed the negative influence of the R&B star for giving the false impression that one could record themselves urinating on another human being and get away with it.

“We’re not in Hollywood for crying out loud,”  blasted Defence Secretary Leon Panetta.  “This is the real world were there are consequences for pissing on someone – dead or alive dammit.”

Basic invasion etiquette

Having already banned all the musician’s “Trapped in the Closet” series for sending “the wrong message in the current political climate”, the Obama administration look to be clamping down even further.

While military personnel did praise the 3rd Battalion, 2nd Marines for their honest efforts to shoot Afghans, they were forced to admit “taking a whizz over the bodies was in bad taste.”

“When you invade a country and start shooting at its people there are rules to observe,” suggested Mr Panetta.

“They should have handled the situation more humanely and simply rolled the bodies into a ditch somewhere before moving on.”

As a precautionary measure, the Defence Secretary announced the military would also ban music from Michael Jackson “innocent verdict or not,” as the military “could not take any more chances with our conduct.”

Bad influence

The president expressed regret that the “actions of a few had damaged the impression of the United States military in a country were things were going so great with the locals.”

“This is hard for me,” the president admitted  “I like some R Kelly.  I Believe I Can Fly.  Ignition.  Those are great songs, we can’t have our troops copying every antic these people get involved with.”

However, the White House was quick to clarify the ban was nothing personal against R Kelly, insisting “the United States remains strongly committed to the rhythm and blues genre.”

A spokesman said work would now begin to return the relationship between the two countries to a more gracious time when Afghans were covertly bombed from the sky.

“The respectful days.”

AFGHANISTAN – In a newly released video message, al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri launched a scathing attack against the U.S. for introducing legislation that “will make our job of terrorizing American citizens redundant”.

The message, issued on Islamist websites late on Thursday, features Zawahiri rallying against the National Defense Authorization Act which would “destroy at least five or six civil liberties we had our eye on attack next year.”

Homeland Security have confirmed the authenticity of the recording.

‘What is the point?’

According to the terrorist mastermind, a bill that allows American citizens to be detained indefinitely, interrogated and assassinated makes it pointless to consider the United States a target for future terror attacks.

“I tell our brothers united in Jihad against the West that we need to take hostages and hold them in secret cells, but America already plan to do this,” cried Zawihiri.

“So I tell my brothers we should instead begin leading strikes against innocents in the country of the infidels, but America want to do this too!”

On the tape, the  al-Qaeda leader became increasingly agitated as he demanded the U.S. government halt the erosion of its freedoms that would result in as any as a dozen sleepers cells being made redundant due to a lack of opportunities.

Zawihiri said the United States needed to do “much much” more to protect its freedoms if al-Qaeda are to continue targeting the country, and went as far as suggesting the organisation may consider moving its operations to a country less terrorized by its own elected leaders.

Must do more

Towards the end of the 38 minute rant, Zawihiri showed deep concern that American would now have to go a long way to ensuring the integrity of its constitutional liberties before any of their planned atrocities would be noticed.

“Now if we go and start assassinating innocent people no one would believe it was our idea,” blasted a frustrated Zawihri.

Looking defeated, he announced that while al-Qaeda is “fully prepared” to continue Jihad again the freedoms of the West, “if these freedom no longer exist then what am I recruiting you all for, huh?”

WASHINGTON DC – The White House has selected its person of the year, giving the distinction to the individual they feel has had the most impact throughout the year: The predator drone.

Controlled by remote control from miles away, the unmanned aerial vehicle has proved itself “indispensable” when it come to raining fiery death in the general vicinity of something that resembles the enemy.

The predator drone beat out worthy competitors such as the gun that killed Colonel Gadaffi and the heart attack to claim the top prize.

There was also an emotional nod for the towel and bucket of water, the duo finally credited for their years of “tireless” work uncovering the location of Osama bin Laden.

Runaway success

United States Air Force Chief of Staff General Norton A. Schwartz said the predator drone tireless efforts were “transforming the way we shoot things like it was on Xbox”.

Officials said award reflected the importance of the drone in 2011 from the hills of the Middle East, to the caves of the Middle East and the shanty towns of the Middle East.

General Schwartz was glowing in his assessment:  “The predator drone has truly changed the face of fighting terror.  At least I assume that’s the face…it’s really hard to tell from so far away.  It could be the back of the head.”

He later clarified “The predator drone has truly changes some part of the anatomy of fighting the war on terror.”

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said it was a tribute to bringing the real meaning of “oh sh*t!” to the Arab world.

President Obama also heaped praise on the UAV MQ-1 Hunter/Killer drone that had “shown its value time and time again first in Afghanistan, then in Pakistan, in Yemen, and back around to Afghanistan again.”

Worthy recipient

Although the drone suffered a recent setback after being downed in Iran, this was not enough to “undo the great work in collateral damage it has done consistently up to now.”

There appeared to be consensus about the awarding of the prize to the drone the White House agreed though for short time,  captured the full attention of everyone it met like no other candidate since the atomic bomb.

“In fact we couldn’t find one living person that was against the choice of the predator drone as the right choice,” claimed Obama.

GEORGIA – Republican presidential nominee Herman Cain has come under more scrutiny after critics compared his plans for US defense to the original Command & Conquer video game.

The former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza previously outlined his military strategy as president would be “to select all available units and click repeatedly on the enemy” – a policy popular with the old school real-time strategy game.

Herman Cain has already had to fight of “ridiculous accusations” that his 999 tax plan closely mirrored Sim City 4’s default tax settings.

There were also rumors that his plan for boosting American agriculture had been lifted from Farmville.

‘I don’t even play video games’

Titled the ‘select-attack-win’ plan, Herman Cain believed it would drastically simplify military operations to a level that even novices could understand.

He denied the similarities and brushed off comparisons to the popular ‘90s real time strategy game as ‘coincidental’.

Mr Cain was confident his “super-simple” strategy for defending American interest both home and abroad would be accepted by the US military.

“It’s very simple,” he explained.  “Imagine we’re in conflict with Iran.  With my ‘select-attack-win’ plan in place we would just gather all available troops stationed in the surrounding areas and march them in the most direct path possible to Ahmedinejad’s door.”

The GOP front-runner did conceded that a disproportionate number of lives would be lost, “but they could be respawned for the next mission.”

His explanation raised eyebrows further when an internal document from the Cain campaign stated a goal of “ensuring the enemy gave up all its Tiberium” and contingencies that included “restarting wars until the desired outcome was achieved.”

Simplified strategy

Military experts appeared to agree with criticisms.  General David Petraeus said he held “serious reservations” that the plan would stand up against more experienced nations, suggesting that such tactics would only be effective against “noob countries”.

But Herman Cain has continued to defend the viability of the ‘select-attack-win’ plan, which he said would lead to wars that lasted “moments, not decades.”

Mr Cain remained confident that attacking foreign combatants before they got a chance to build their defenses would lead to military dominance.

“Yes the enemy will see us coming, but our overwhelming numbers would make us impossible to stop and we would win wars just like that,” he proclaimed while snapping his fingers.

“Think of the money we would save with short wars.  That’s the ‘select-attack-win’ plan right there.”

LONDON – After four days of violence and chaos on London streets, the rioting has been brought to an abrupt end after Metropolitan Police decided to deploy a squad of mothers to quell trouble-makers.

It was hoped this level of response would not be needed, but Scotland Yard officials have given the green light to mobilise the elite team of enforcers, each armed with a cold stare and standard issue belt buckle.

After only two hours of the operation, over 70% of the looters had been dispersed with many offering earnest apologies to shopkeepers for their behaviour.

Zero tolerance

Vans of angry mothers in bathrobes and slippers were sent to trouble spots including Tottenham, Brixton and Croydon to deal with the youths “in the most efficient way possible,” according to British Prime Minister David Cameron.

The scenes were replicated across London with scores of looters seen running for their lives in response.  Cries of “Oh Sh*t!  It’s mum!” could be heard in a number of locations as the operation got underway.

“The clean up begins now!” declared Mr Cameron.  “Once we have dispatched all their mothers, these youths will feel the full force of the law.”

The tactic of deploying mothers of looters and and those vandalising property proved to be effective as up to 1000 people had been smacked across the back of the head and told to “get in your damn room now and don’t come out until I decide what to do with you.”

Met commander Christie Jones said the measure was “admittedly one of the more extreme options at our disposal,” and was only put into practise as “we felt we there was no other way to deal with the situation.”

‘Just wait till your father hears about this’

Earlier, rioters hit back at claims they had no cause insisting they were “like dem mans in Egypt or whateva,” said unemployed Shaun Bennett, adding they were protesting for freedom against paying for things that people sell.”

He later withdrew his statement after being dragged back home by his mother adding, “I’m sorry mum, I’m sorry!”

One mother was beside herself with rage: “We’ve had enough of this nonsense.  No child of mine is going to be on TV acting a fool.  We’ll see who’s rioting tonight!

Police confirmed that softer options of sending in the army would most certainly no longer be needed and was even considering deploying the force of angry mothers to Afghanistan.

LONDON – After violent scenes in the nation’s capital, scores of refugees continue to flee the North London area of Tottenham in efforts to seek safety and security.

Initially peaceful protests turned ugly over the weekend leaving residents with no choice but to seek  asylum in safer areas, with many heading to the relative safety of war torn Somalia, Gaza and Baghdad.

“We just want a chance of a peaceful life,” said one single mother of two who believed her children deserved a less hostile environment in which to grow up.   “It’s just not safe for us here…We’re going to try our luck in Afghanistan.”

Situation untenable

The UN Refugee Agency has made an emergency appeal to respective governments to increase resettlement slots for refugees impacted by spreading violence in North London.

Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon said: “We are looking to initiate resettlement programs to ensure people from Tottenham are given the secure living conditions they are not afforded in their home town.”

Although publicly willing, many governments privately worry that the chaos seen in Tottenham could spread to their own countries.

Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir has warned that they would extend a welcome to refugees, but only on condition that they leave “that dangerous behaviour” behind them.

This hesitation comes after a travel warning from Somali capital Mogadishu advised residents against travel to Tottenham or the surrounding boroughs unless “absolutely necessary”.

“We’re simply asking our people to exercise caution,” said Somali foreign minister, Mohamed Abdullahi Omaar.  “The situation is still uncertain and unless you really want a good deal on televisions or foodstuffs we see no reason to put yourself in danger.”

Abdullahi Omaar also announced a hot-line for ex-patriots caught up in the turbulent scenes, adding: “We have arranged chartered flights out of Tottenham so those concerned for their safety can return to Somalia.”

Comin’ Straight Outta Tottenham

Until the situation calms down, Abdullahi Omaar deemed the area a ‘no go’ zone.

Thousands are thought to be making their way out of Tottenham, although travel was hampered by planned engineering works on the Victoria, Hammersmith & City, Circle and Jubilee lines of the London Underground.

Transport for London officials advised anyone looking to flee the town to protect the safety of their family’s lives to seek alternative routes.

In addition, major traffic delays on the A406 southbound between junctions one and five mean that in reality, many would sadly perish before reaching the M25.