Tag Archive | "afghanistan"

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Mrs Petraeus Announces Phased Withdrawal From Marriage By 2013


LANGLEY – The wife of former military officer David Petraeus has announced she has begun a phased withdrawal from their marriage to be completed by the end of 2013.

Speaking with friends and family, Mrs Holly Petraeus attributed plans for a “complete and utter emotional withdrawal” to her husband’s inability to “keep it in his pants.”

She did however indicate that a small force would be left behind in the form of “my foot up his ass.”

Military precision

It’s understood Mrs Petraeus began making plans for a withdrawal soon after details of her husband’s ongoing affair with biographer Paula Broadwell were made public.

Mrs Petraeus has already employed a divorce lawyer to protect against counter offensive measures from the ex CIA director who has already launched a surge of shameless apologies.

It’s understood the former military commander and current “jackass” had done more than enough to justify an exit from the 38 year union.

In a prepared statement, she explained: “After surveying the situation on the ground I have agreed with my legal counsel a timetable that will see myself removed from what has now become a marital quagmire.”

Mrs Petraeus announced that the timetable for her husband to get the hell out and never come back will be implemented immediately and is expected to be completed “no later than January 2013″.

The withdrawal is to be completed in phases, with the first phase seeing Mr Petraeus sleeping on the couch alone for a extended stretch.

This would quickly be followed by phase two which would see him gathering his personal belongs from the driveway of the family home, ending with stage three: “moving in with that damn floosy for all I care”.

Exit strategy

Though most military officials have praised her decision, several ex wives have argued the timetable for complete withdrawal give too much time to maneuver.

“If it was me I would have kicked his ass out right away,” advised Macy Cartwright who cited a Cosmo magazine poll showing nearly two thirds of cheating husbands talk their way back into the house after being busted.

And although in favour of the strategy, divorce lawyer Candy Simmons said it was a “bad move to broadcast your intentions this early in the proceedings” as “a public timetable could allow Mr Petraeus time to hide his assets.”

“She could have got much more in a divorce if he never saw it coming.”

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Barack Obama Gives Predator Drone To Every Audience Member In Debate


FLORIDA – The third presidential debate saw a stunning surprise as Barack Obama announced every single audience member would be getting their own predator drone to take home.

In what was the biggest surprise of the campaign so far, President Obama gave all in attendance a box, suggesting whoever had a remote guidance system would get a Predator drone.  The Lynn  University crowd went ballistic when they quickly realised everyone was getting a Predator drone.

The shocking reveal came in response to a moderator question over the president’s policy on drone attacks.

Dreams do come true

With many expecting the issue to be overlooked entirely, onlookers were genuinely surprised when Bob Schieffer turned the subject of the debate to the secretive practise of unmanned and indiscriminate bombing of civilian areas between Afghanistan and Pakistan.

But they were even more surprised when the president asked them to look under their seats.

“Look Bob,” Mr Obama began in his response.  “We’ve been using drones successfully to take out al-Qaeda operative who would do us harm.”

The president continued: “…What I’m trying to say is, I think if everyone in the audience takes a peek under their seat they’ll find the answer to that particular question.”

As people felt underneath the lecture room seating they discovered mysterious boxes.

“Now I want you to hold your box but don’t open them,” Obama said with a knowing smile.

After calling for a drum roll the president instructed the audience to “open up those boxes and see what you’ve got in there.”

It was at that point the crowd realised every box had controls to an MQ-1 Predator drone and in front of an audience of eligible voters, the president ecstatically cried “You get a drone.  You get a drone.  Youuuu get a drone!”

“Everybody gets a drone.  Everybody gets a Predator drone!”

‘Is this the wildest thing ever or what?’

“This is so freaking cool!” Cried on tearful audience member.  “I never had a drone before. Obama is the man!”

President Obama told the audience they were free to use the drones “as you see fit,” adding: “There’s no need to tell anyone what you do with them,” as “heck, we don’t tell you anything.”

Another voter said they would be putting their drone to use right away in clearing the lines at the next Macy’s sale.

“I hope that answers your question Bob,” finished the president as the fever pitch finally died down.

Posted in 2012 Elections, Politics, USAComments (0)

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Shock As Child Asks Parents: “Where Does The War In Afghanistan Come From?”


NEW YORK – According to reports, extended 9/11 coverage has led to an increase in young children asking their parents: “Mom, dad.  Where does the war in Afghanistan come from?”

The question has put many parents in awkward situations as they attempts to explain the fundamentals of the decade long war to young people.

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MoD To Make Indestructible New Body Armour From Jeremy Hunt


UNITED KINGDOM – The Ministry of Defense has today confirmed it will begin producing the next generation of bullet proof armor from the same stuff that Jeremy Hunt is made of.

The announcement came after “extremely successful” trials during the Leveson inquiry in which Mr Hunt was subject to sustained, high velocity rounds of questioning over unethical behaviour and emerged unscathed.

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All R Kelly Music Banned From Military Following Urinating Incident


WASHINGTON DC – Barack Obama has confirmed all of R Kelly’s music is to be banned from the military in the wake of an online video showing Marines urinating on dead Afghans.

Officials in the military have blamed the negative influence of the R&B star for giving the false impression that one could record themselves urinating on another human being and get away with it.

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Al-Qaeda: US Must Better Protect Its Freedoms Before More Attacks


AFGHANISTAN – In a newly released video message, al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri launched a scathing attack against the U.S. for introducing legislation that “will make our job of terrorizing American citizens redundant”.

The message, issued on Islamist websites late on Thursday, features Zawahiri rallying against the National Defense Authorization Act which would “destroy at least five or six civil liberties we had our eye on attack next year.”

Homeland Security have confirmed the authenticity of the recording.

‘What is the point?’

According to the terrorist mastermind, a bill that allows American citizens to be detained indefinitely, interrogated and assassinated makes it pointless to consider the United States a target for future terror attacks.

“I tell our brothers united in Jihad against the West that we need to take hostages and hold them in secret cells, but America already plan to do this,” cried Zawihiri.

“So I tell my brothers we should instead begin leading strikes against innocents in the country of the infidels, but America want to do this too!”

On the tape, the  al-Qaeda leader became increasingly agitated as he demanded the U.S. government halt the erosion of its freedoms that would result in as any as a dozen sleepers cells being made redundant due to a lack of opportunities.

Zawihiri said the United States needed to do “much much” more to protect its freedoms if al-Qaeda are to continue targeting the country, and went as far as suggesting the organisation may consider moving its operations to a country less terrorized by its own elected leaders.

Must do more

Towards the end of the 38 minute rant, Zawihiri showed deep concern that American would now have to go a long way to ensuring the integrity of its constitutional liberties before any of their planned atrocities would be noticed.

“Now if we go and start assassinating innocent people no one would believe it was our idea,” blasted a frustrated Zawihri.

Looking defeated, he announced that while al-Qaeda is “fully prepared” to continue Jihad again the freedoms of the West, “if these freedom no longer exist then what am I recruiting you all for, huh?”

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White House Names Armed Predator Drone As Person of the Year


WASHINGTON DC – The White House has selected its person of the year, giving the distinction to the individual they feel has had the most impact throughout the year: The predator drone.

Controlled by remote control from miles away, the unmanned aerial vehicle has proved itself “indispensable” when it come to raining fiery death in the general vicinity of something that resembles the enemy.

The predator drone beat out worthy competitors such as the gun that killed Colonel Gadaffi and the heart attack to claim the top prize.

There was also an emotional nod for the towel and bucket of water, the duo finally credited for their years of “tireless” work uncovering the location of Osama bin Laden.

Runaway success

United States Air Force Chief of Staff General Norton A. Schwartz said the predator drone tireless efforts were “transforming the way we shoot things like it was on Xbox”.

Officials said award reflected the importance of the drone in 2011 from the hills of the Middle East, to the caves of the Middle East and the shanty towns of the Middle East.

General Schwartz was glowing in his assessment:  “The predator drone has truly changed the face of fighting terror.  At least I assume that’s the face…it’s really hard to tell from so far away.  It could be the back of the head.”

He later clarified “The predator drone has truly changes some part of the anatomy of fighting the war on terror.”

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said it was a tribute to bringing the real meaning of “oh sh*t!” to the Arab world.

President Obama also heaped praise on the UAV MQ-1 Hunter/Killer drone that had “shown its value time and time again first in Afghanistan, then in Pakistan, in Yemen, and back around to Afghanistan again.”

Worthy recipient

Although the drone suffered a recent setback after being downed in Iran, this was not enough to “undo the great work in collateral damage it has done consistently up to now.”

There appeared to be consensus about the awarding of the prize to the drone the White House agreed though for short time,  captured the full attention of everyone it met like no other candidate since the atomic bomb.

“In fact we couldn’t find one living person that was against the choice of the predator drone as the right choice,” claimed Obama.

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Herman Cain Military Plan “Taken From Command & Conquer”


GEORGIA – Republican presidential nominee Herman Cain has come under more scrutiny after critics compared his plans for US defense to the original Command & Conquer video game.

The former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza previously outlined his military strategy as president would be “to select all available units and click repeatedly on the enemy” – a policy popular with the old school real-time strategy game.

Herman Cain has already had to fight of “ridiculous accusations” that his 999 tax plan closely mirrored Sim City 4’s default tax settings.

There were also rumors that his plan for boosting American agriculture had been lifted from Farmville.

‘I don’t even play video games’

Titled the ‘select-attack-win’ plan, Herman Cain believed it would drastically simplify military operations to a level that even novices could understand.

He denied the similarities and brushed off comparisons to the popular ‘90s real time strategy game as ‘coincidental’.

Mr Cain was confident his “super-simple” strategy for defending American interest both home and abroad would be accepted by the US military.

“It’s very simple,” he explained.  “Imagine we’re in conflict with Iran.  With my ‘select-attack-win’ plan in place we would just gather all available troops stationed in the surrounding areas and march them in the most direct path possible to Ahmedinejad’s door.”

The GOP front-runner did conceded that a disproportionate number of lives would be lost, “but they could be respawned for the next mission.”

His explanation raised eyebrows further when an internal document from the Cain campaign stated a goal of “ensuring the enemy gave up all its Tiberium” and contingencies that included “restarting wars until the desired outcome was achieved.”

Simplified strategy

Military experts appeared to agree with criticisms.  General David Petraeus said he held “serious reservations” that the plan would stand up against more experienced nations, suggesting that such tactics would only be effective against “noob countries”.

But Herman Cain has continued to defend the viability of the ‘select-attack-win’ plan, which he said would lead to wars that lasted “moments, not decades.”

Mr Cain remained confident that attacking foreign combatants before they got a chance to build their defenses would lead to military dominance.

“Yes the enemy will see us coming, but our overwhelming numbers would make us impossible to stop and we would win wars just like that,” he proclaimed while snapping his fingers.

“Think of the money we would save with short wars.  That’s the ‘select-attack-win’ plan right there.”

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London Riots Brought to Halt After Mums Deployed To Streets


LONDON – After four days of violence and chaos on London streets, the rioting has been brought to an abrupt end after Metropolitan Police decided to deploy a squad of mothers to disperse troublemakers.

It was hoped this level of response would not be needed, but Scotland Yard officials have given the green light to mobilise the elite team of enforcers, each armed with a cold stare and standard issue belt buckle.

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Fearful Refugees Continue To Flee Tottenham Violence


LONDON – After violent scenes in the nation’s capital, scores of refugees continue to flee the North London area of Tottenham in efforts to seek safety and security.

Initially peaceful protests turned ugly over the weekend leaving residents with no choice but to seek  asylum in safer areas, with many heading to the relative safety of war torn Somalia, Gaza and Baghdad.

“We just want a chance of a peaceful life,” said one single mother of two who believed her children deserved a less hostile environment in which to grow up.   “It’s just not safe for us here…We’re going to try our luck in Afghanistan.”

Situation untenable

The UN Refugee Agency has made an emergency appeal to respective governments to increase resettlement slots for refugees impacted by spreading violence in North London.

Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon said: “We are looking to initiate resettlement programs to ensure people from Tottenham are given the secure living conditions they are not afforded in their home town.”

Although publicly willing, many governments privately worry that the chaos seen in Tottenham could spread to their own countries.

Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir has warned that they would extend a welcome to refugees, but only on condition that they leave “that dangerous behaviour” behind them.

This hesitation comes after a travel warning from Somali capital Mogadishu advised residents against travel to Tottenham or the surrounding boroughs unless “absolutely necessary”.

“We’re simply asking our people to exercise caution,” said Somali foreign minister, Mohamed Abdullahi Omaar.  “The situation is still uncertain and unless you really want a good deal on televisions or foodstuffs we see no reason to put yourself in danger.”

Abdullahi Omaar also announced a hot-line for ex-patriots caught up in the turbulent scenes, adding: “We have arranged chartered flights out of Tottenham so those concerned for their safety can return to Somalia.”

Comin’ Straight Outta Tottenham

Until the situation calms down, Abdullahi Omaar deemed the area a ‘no go’ zone.

Thousands are thought to be making their way out of Tottenham, although travel was hampered by planned engineering works on the Victoria, Hammersmith & City, Circle and Jubilee lines of the London Underground.

Transport for London officials advised anyone looking to flee the town to protect the safety of their family’s lives to seek alternative routes.

In addition, major traffic delays on the A406 southbound between junctions one and five mean that in reality, many would sadly perish before reaching the M25.

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