LANGLEY – The wife of former military officer David Petraeus has announced she has begun a phased withdrawal from their marriage to be completed by the end of 2013.
Speaking with friends and family, Mrs Holly Petraeus attributed plans for a “complete and utter emotional withdrawal” to her husband’s inability to “keep it in his pants.”
She did however indicate that a small force would be left behind in the form of “my foot up his ass.”
It’s understood Mrs Petraeus began making plans for a withdrawal soon after details of her husband’s ongoing affair with biographer Paula Broadwell were made public.
Mrs Petraeus has already employed a divorce lawyer to protect against counter offensive measures from the ex CIA director who has already launched a surge of shameless apologies.
It’s understood the former military commander and current “jackass” had done more than enough to justify an exit from the 38 year union.
In a prepared statement, she explained: “After surveying the situation on the ground I have agreed with my legal counsel a timetable that will see myself removed from what has now become a marital quagmire.”
Mrs Petraeus announced that the timetable for her husband to get the hell out and never come back will be implemented immediately and is expected to be completed “no later than January 2013″.
The withdrawal is to be completed in phases, with the first phase seeing Mr Petraeus sleeping on the couch alone for a extended stretch.
This would quickly be followed by phase two which would see him gathering his personal belongs from the driveway of the family home, ending with stage three: “moving in with that damn floosy for all I care”.
Though most military officials have praised her decision, several ex wives have argued the timetable for complete withdrawal give too much time to maneuver.
“If it was me I would have kicked his ass out right away,” advised Macy Cartwright who cited a Cosmo magazine poll showing nearly two thirds of cheating husbands talk their way back into the house after being busted.
And although in favour of the strategy, divorce lawyer Candy Simmons said it was a “bad move to broadcast your intentions this early in the proceedings” as “a public timetable could allow Mr Petraeus time to hide his assets.”
“She could have got much more in a divorce if he never saw it coming.”