SPACE – The United Nations Security Council is said to be ‘considering all available options’ after the biggest nuclear demonstration in four years saw the Sun unleash a brazen display of offensive attack not seen since Christian Bale’s eye line was momentarily obstructed.

The ‘hostile actions’ from the molten ball of fire have unsurprisingly been met with concern from leading UN members over the motives of it’s nuclear energy program, after launching waves of charged particles from electrified gas into space and toward Earth with ‘blatant disregard’ for UV levels.

Experts say the Sun may have been secretly developing its nuclear program for as long as 4.5 billion years, leading to the logical conclusion that it is now actively engaged in developing a nuclear weapon ‘in broad daylight’.

Provocative action

Despite multiple calls for an explanation into last week’s events, the Sun has so far failed to issue a statement regarding its nuclear intentions.

Any display of force could disrupt communications systems, satellites and electrical power grids – potentially leaving millions without the ability to play Playstation.

This hesitation to provide details has put a question mark on its previously assumed peaceful intention of providing life on Earth, with US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton claiming “we are now seeing the sun’s true colours come out…and they’re not yellow with a smiley face like it would have us believe.”

The Security Council have already expressed interest in sending a special envoy to open dialogue with the celestial body, although the Obama administration feel the Sun has intentionally made conditions on the ground impossible for weapons inspection, another sign it may be hiding nefarious ambitions as it continues to ramp up it’s nuclear capability.

‘What is it’s true motive?’

Should it fail to comply and continue it’s development and proliferation of nuclear material, the UN council could initiate a round of sanctions on the celestial body, this after pressure from British and American governments to impose tougher and more targeted economic restrictions including an immediate halt on all vitamin D exports to Earth.

The incident has prompted heated debate over whether the Sun should be allowed to maintain any kind of nuclear program without proper oversight.

Privately, there are serious doubts over whether sanctions alone will be enough and a growing feeling that a preemptive strike will be needed as “anyone with a third grade education can see the Sun has no intention of stopping it’s nuclear ambitions any time soon.”

WASHINGTON DC – In a last ditch attempt to seek resolution in Egypt, US President Barack Obama has reportedly sent an impassioned, all caps email to Hosni Mubarak requesting his ‘IMMEDIATE’ departure from power.

The email, titled “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!” demonstrated the clear frustration felt from the White House over the beleaguered president’s inability to know when he is not wanted by his people.

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EGYPT – The Obama administration is discussing a proposal for President Hosni Mubarak to resign and turn over power to a transitional government headed by Kermit the Frog and the cast of The Muppets, say top administration officials.

Key figures have put forward a candidate they believe would aid the situation and would see the talented frog, supported by Ms Piggy, Fozzy Bear and Animal – proposed communications minister – immediately begin a process of constitutional reform.

“The inclusion of Animal is a wonderful move,” suggested Egypt foreign affairs analyst Husani Massri. “His monosyllable grunts and guttural shouts will really resonate with the people of Egypt right now.”

Happy Feet

The proposal has also been backed by a number of key White House staff members, many of whom say they could not imagine a more qualified puppet to take the reigns and bring stability to the region.

Speaking at a joint press conference with the president, Kermit admitted that while it wold not be easy being a green leader of transitional government he would give it his ‘best darn shot’.

President Mubarak – still in his first term as president after 30 years – has so far refused to resign after expressing fears that giving the temperamental Ms Piggy power over a nation would lead to chaos “on a scale even I could not imagine.”

The move was also slammed by Statler and Waldorf who believed “road kill has more leadership chops than this guy.”

‘Sure path to democracy’

Perhaps surprisingly, the news has failed to end protests in central Cairo, with protesters unsure whether another American made puppet could bring the necessary change demanded in such force by the people of Egypt.

One demonstrator admitted “It’s nothing against the Muppets. We like Kermit almost as much as Elmo. We’ve just had enough of leaders that need to be operated by hand…and he’s not even Egyptian”

Secretary of State Hilary Clinton was more optimistic, but cautioned that the outcome still depended on several factors, not least finding enough Muppeteers to ensure the working order of the proposed cabinet for long enough to bring stability back to the country.

CALIFORNIA – McDonald’s have been forced to recall as many as nine million Big Macs, Double Cheeseburgers and Big Tastys after fears that they could contain as much as 100% real beef.

The recall, to be officially announced by the US Food And Drug Administration imminently, was set in motion hours after a customer remarked that her burger tasted like ‘real food’ and soon after alerted the FDA. Specimen testing on a Quarter Pounder (with cheese) confirmed the presence of authentic beef inside the space between buns where reheated imitation beef should have been.

Authentic beef is a potent source of minerals and protein which, when consumed in sufficiently high doses could contribute to a healthy and balanced diet.

Unsafe for consumption

Word of the contamination has spread quickly throughout media outlets and social networking sites alike, with the nation making plain it’s outrage that a company with a decorated history of nutritional negligence could find itself in such a comprising position.

“Don’t they have checks for these things???” commented one Twitter user. “I mean…real beef, C’MON #mickyD?! Heads should roll for this! #epicfail”

Many customers have now said they would reconsider visiting the restaurant in the near future. Speaking to local news, one fan was quick to express their disgust, saying: “I’m just stunned.  This is just not what I come to McDonald’s for. If I wanted nutrition, I would have joined Weight Watchers.”

The recall is projected to cost the fast food chain as much as $25 million, enough to pay hourly wages of roughly 3 million illegal immigrants, but a necessary step to protect the poor nutritional value of it’s food offerings, say executives.

Proud tradition of serving non-food

A McDonald’s spokesman, Mike Reid, said in an interview: “We’ve had a good, constructive two-way dialogue with the FDA’s office and the clinically obese. We’re on top of it.”

“We’re confident we’ve isolated the source of the real beef contamination and with increased safeguards it will not be a problem going forward.”

Seeking to remind the nation of it’s commitment to a menu capable of bringing Jamie Oliver to tears, creating food items that contain ‘little to no actual food’. A press statement highlighted the the recent availability of the McRib – a re-constituted, pseudo rib patty – calling it the “most unnatural thing you’ll eat that isn’t bacon and cheese wrapped in two pieces of fried chicken.”

“And our chicken nugget are full of crap too. Let’s not forget that.”

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama today stated that the biggest threat to international security is the possibility of the Boogieman obtaining nuclear weapons.  Speaking from underneath his Oval Office bed covers, he warned world leaders to remain vigilant as “the risk of a nuclear attack from the Boogieman has gone up significantly in recent nights.”

His words have echoed the views of many western leaders who all swear they have heard an increase in ‘spooky noises’ and noticed ‘more scary shadows than usual’.

The Boogieman continues to put fear into non-proliferation supporters and children aged 5 alike.  Often changing names and appearances, as well as failing to respond to several request for weapons inspection from the UN.

Boo

Ahead of nuclear talks later this month, Barack Obama reiterated the threat posed by the mythical monster.  “We’ve never seen him…so we can only assume he’s dangerous and attempting to acquire a nuclear or biological weapon of some kind.  Either that or he’s a paedophile”.

Leaders from the six members of the Security Council have supported the talks and confirmed they have all started sleeping with night lights ‘just in case’.

Friction in the talks appears like however, Western countries, including the United States, believe Iran may be secretly providing safe harbour for the Boogieman or assisting him in other ways.  Iran insisted any mention of the Boogieman from within it’s borders is for getting children to brush their teeth and eat their vegetables. Iranian officials denied such allegations as ‘fantasy’ and continue to play down the threat from the dark corners of the bedroom.

“The notion that we would be providing aid to the Boogieman is ridiculous,” stated Iranian spokesman Ramin Mehmanparast.  “Yes we speak of such things, but only to scare the children. There’s no need to fear the Boogieman.”

‘Check under the bed’

Iranian officials have even gone as far as to invite the EU to check for signs of the Boogieman as a show of faith which has already been declined, ‘but not because we are scared or anything like that’.

It’s no coincidence the direct and stark warning comes on the back of increased Boogieman sightings across America.  “He definitely wants to get his Boogie-hands on weapons of mass destruction,” former CIA investigator Rolf Mowatt-Larssen told ML News.  A sentiment seemingly shared by the administration, who confirmed they’re prepared to enter the bedroom of every child at night to track down the Boogieman.

WASHINGTON – Republicans have wasted no time in setting their agenda for the new year by threatening to block all legislation until Barack Obama agreed to install a bouncy castle on the floor of the House of Representatives, a move which would drastically hinder the Democrats attempts at running the country or getting through to the lobby.

House majority leader John Boehner has also warned Democrat House members that they would also push for cake and ice cream to be served whilst the bouncy castle is in operation.  ”And not just any ice cream either.  We want the good kind…that means Ben and Jerry’s!”

‘You already gave us tax cuts’

Many new Republican members have barely been sworn in, but are already making it clear that the installation of the inflatable plaything will be a big priority for them.  Political observers agree that recent attempts to block legislation until Bush era tax cuts were extended for the wealthy has given Republicans the confident to try the tactics again for something of equal benefit to the country.

Boehner continued: “While there are other items that might ultimately be worthy of the Senate’s attention, we cannot agree to prioritize any matters above the critical issue of having a place to kick our shoes off and acts like little kids for the next two years,” a sentiment backed by all 42 GOP senators in a letter to Democrat Leader Harry Reid.

The 42 signatures – written in crayon – are more than enough to block action on almost any item the Obama Administration wishes to advance.

‘No castle, no progress’

The president branded House Republicans as ‘childish’ and called on the to stop putting the American people hostage for the sake of cake and ice cream.  Though admitting that Ben & Jerrys was ‘some damn fine ice cream’, Mr Obama stated that he could not allow the the legislative process to be held up for a tub of Chunky Monkey.

He added. “My hope is that John Boehner and Mitch McConnell [Senate GOP leader] will realize that there will be plenty of time for cake and ice cream once we fix the economy.”

Demonstrating the same rhetoric that saw a 2010 mid-term victory, Boehner made it clear that no compromise will be considered, and no further legislation will even be looked at ‘until we see a damn bouncy castle on the floor of the House.’

He then stuck his fingers in his ears and screamed: “Lalalalalalaaaa.”

WASHINGTON – The US government has undertaken a major ass kissing campaign after the outrage cause by a recent leak of diplomatic cables has left them without an invite to the annual UN Christmas party.

The Obama administration is said to be  facing ‘a crisis in its holiday party planning’, amid growing evidence that they have purposefully been left out of the annual bash due to the publication of compromising messages.

“We thought the mail was being held up so we gave it an extra couple days,” said Barack Obama. “But when we found out Belgium got an invite, we knew something was up.”

Secretary General Ban Ki-moon later confirmed all invites had been sent and “no oversight had been made,” as White House officials had originally assumed.  ”They really hurt my feelings,” said Mr Cameron, who backed the decision to not invite America after unflattering being described as ‘fake’ by US diplomats.

Mending broken hearts

The revelations have left America scrambling the make amends, including sending a thousand roses to Downing Street, and making a mixtape for French President Nicolas Sarkozy to make up for calling him ‘thin-skinned’.  Unconfirmed reports also hinted at plans to skywrite “We’re sorry” next to a heart over Afghan airspace.

Any reconciliation will likely occur too late for the Christmas party, although the roses are said to be having a “positive effect” on the disposition on the UK government.  David Cameron’s secretary Nick Clegg responded by saying: “The roses smell wonderful…but…they were kinda mean…I don’t know…we’ll think about it, te he he.”

‘Please take us back’

A senior US diplomat conceded “we won’t be partying with anyone soon,” adding that it could take years to rebuild enough trust to make it back onto the international party circuit. “Nobody wants to talk to us…which is awkward ‘cos we’ve got the decorations so they’ve been forced to.  But they’re wary now and are like: ‘Are you going to write about this?’”

With the prospect of festive exile looming, more revelations could mean America won’t get invited to the future celebrations including the summer barbecue at Angela Merkel’s house.  However, Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who overlooked being referred to as ‘Hilter’ by the US to extend a surprise invite to his Christmas party, as long as they agreed to deny the existence of the state of Israel.

A US Spokemans responded by annoucing they may just spent a quiet Christmas alone this year.

HOLLYWOOD – Saudi Arabia is the single biggest contributor to the funding of ‘truly awful’ Lindsay Lohan movies and is unwilling to cut off the money supply, according to a leaked note from Hillary Clinton — running into millions of dollars and a handful of horrible viewing experiences.

The US Secretary of State says in a secret memorandum that donors in the kingdom still “constitute the most significant source of funding to those God damn films” and that “it has been an ongoing challenge to persuade Saudi officials to recognise them as terrible by any standard and she should not be encouraged to continue acting.  Ever.”

‘Don’t they read the scripts?’

Saudi Arabia is accused of failing to prevent some of its richest citizens financing the production of titles such as Georgia Rule, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen and Labor Pains. It’s alleged that producers regularly travel to UAE to take advantage of its weak sense of what makes a good film.

Similar leaks have also occurred from IMDB, Rotten Tomatoes, and every critic who saw I Know Who Killed Me.  It’s understood that much of the funding supposedly for Islamic charities had been siphoned over years to aid the production of a string of box office flops.

“The Saudis have really done it now,” noted Republican House speaker John Boehner. “Georgia Rule?!  What were they thinking giving money to that train wreck.  Now we know where the money is coming from, the Obama administration needs to come down hard on this.”

Vicious circle

Saudi authorities had made some high-profile arrests in the last two years, wanting to appear proactive on the issue. Other cables obtained by WikiLeaks describe details of the arrest of 44 fund-raisers “to deter potential donors from giving money to suspected producers of any of her movies.”

This appears to be just the tip of the iceberg however, and movie-goers are now demanding a tough stance from the government that would lead to an end to the recurring box office nightmares.

“Freaky Friday was decent and Mean Girls was okay if you like that sort of thing, but the rest should be brought to an end as a matter of national security,” claimed one critic who observed that “we’re spending money to see these films so we can rate them badly.  That money then goes back to the Saudis so they can finance more of her movies!  It’s a death spiral.”

WASHINGTON – Barack Obama has been forced to resign as US President after making disparaging remarks about Fox News’s journalistic integrity in a Rolling Stone article.

In the interview, he told the magazine that Fox News was ‘destructive’ for the long-term growth of America, and singled out Glenn Beck as a ‘clown’.

He went on to say that Fox News seemed more interested in boosting ratings through a distorted, fear-based narrative as instead of even the slightest semblance of fair and balanced reporting, a statement which sent shockwaves throughout the organisation for their accuracy, something Fox representatives say they were ‘disgusted by.’

A representative described Fox News chief Rupert Murdoch as furious after reading the article and demanded to see Obama in his office to discuss the outburst.

Murdoch explained Obama’s dismissal was needed to safeguard the security of the self-serving structure of misrepresentation that Fox News had worked ‘too God dam hard to see compromised by the truth’.

‘Now who do we compare with Hitler?’

Barack Obama has been crucial to the success of Fox News’s anti-Obama initiative and reporters within the network have questioned the decision, arguing he could still have been blamed for everything wrong with America.

Shawn Hannity called Obama “one of the finest presidential scapegoats this country has produced.”  Bill O Riley said it was sad to see his reign end ‘before we could transfer all the blame for Afghanistan to him.’

Murdoch accepted Obama’s resignation and in another stunning move appointed the president’s former Pastor Jeremiah Wright, whose expletive laced tirade proved a ratings hit for Fox during the 2008 election, as his successor.

He insisted it was ‘a change in personnel but not a change in policy’, assuring viewers they will continue exploiting every opportunity to undermine the administration by ignoring basic journalistic due diligence in pursuit of the perfect right-wing narrative.

ENGLAND – The UK’s most senior military commander has told the coalition government to expect violence in Afghanistan to get worse before it gets ‘even worser’.  

Lt Gen Sir Nick Parker’s comments came as military forces clocked nine years in a quagmire with nothing to show for it but sunburn and a vague sense of purpose.

“This is a complex operation and we do not even know why we’re here or what the mission is…so expect things to go even further down the hill than they already are.”

General Parker added that ‘the bell curve of violence’ would increase before it increased some more but at a faster rate, at which point “we would likely give up and look for an easier country to invade…I hear Yemen’s looking ripe for an incursion.”

Taliban leader Mullah Omar made it clear he didn’t really ‘get’ what US and British troops were trying to do, but urged them to continue doing it.

‘Turning the corner’

It had been expected that the resignation of Gen McChrystal would bring new ideas or at least another surge to keep things interesting, but US President Barack Obama reiterated his commitment to doing ‘the same thing the we’ve been doing for nearly ten years now’, reflecting his administration’s unwavering belief in the current course.

“The strategy will not change.  We still don’t know what were doing here and were going to keep it that way.”

Though many have criticised the operation that has seen a total of 332 British troops and 3000 US troops killed, rampant government corruption and enough heroin to entertain Amy Winehouse for a week, General Parker maintains this is all part of the strategy to ensure another decade is wasted.

“This is the plan right?  Yeah…it must be, otherwise I don’t know what the hell is going on.”