Tag Archive | "2012"

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Ohio Residents Brace For Approaching Storm of Campaign Ads


OHIO – Residents of Ohio are being told to prepare for a “superstorm” of political campaign advertisement ahead of the 2012 presidential election this week.

With three days until votes are cast, the state is expected to take the brunt of a non stop torrent of political ads after both campaigns decided Ohio is the only state that matters in the race to become president.

Political ads pleading for last-minute support are expected to hit thousands of undecided voters, leaving them even more confused than they were before.

This is not a drill

It’s expected that areas most vulnerable will be ones with televisions and locals have begun taking action against the incoming deluge of broadcast and radio spots, emails, circulars, billboards, and robocalls.

The first ads have already appeared on the nightly news and are making their way to daytime television before gathering in the vicinity of prime time where they will do most damage.

Even experts have been taken by surprised with the ferocity of what they have coined the “superstorm of political bullsh*t”,

Locals are already making plans to evacuate the area to safer non battleground states which are likely to see significantly less political ads.

“All we hear is job creator this and give me more time that,” said Julie Pearlman who did not survive the political storm of 2008 and now expects to vote for an independent candidate.

Reports suggest the grim scenes would be repeated in swing states across the country.

“We’re going to Mississippi until this all dies down,” Mrs Pearlman told reporters.  “Romney has that state wrapped up so it will be a heck of a lot safer.”

State of emergency

The impending storm has been made worse as many residents are with working TVs and so able to view any one of the hundreds of ads are being broadcast daily.

Ohio mayor Michael B. Coleman said at a briefing that unless there was a clear shift in polling numbers, “we’re going to see more campaigning here in the next 48 hours than we’ve seen in the entire year” and called on residents to take precautions when switching channels as “these ads can appear when you least expect them.”

Showing he was taking charge of the situation Coleman promised to working with electricity companies to shut down services to homes until the election was done.

“Rest assured we are looking at every option to keep people of Ohio safe.”

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Romney Unveils New Campaign Message: “I Was Kidding This Whole Time”


MASSACHUSETTS – In a move to win over increasingly sceptical voters, Mitt Romney has unveiled his new campaign message to the voting public : “I was just fooling with you guys”.

The plan was developed after Romney’s chief political strategists privately acknowledged the best method of improving favorability in key battleground states is to have people think his presidential campaign has simply been an attempt at humor.

Sources say the new campaign will begin “effective immediately” under a revamped slogan: “You Thought I was Being Serious? 2012″.

I live for comedy

This latest reboot will see Romney announce he has been “pulling the leg” of the American people and the presidential nominee was on hand to deliver the new look campaign: “We’re focused on getting a new, new, new message to the American people,” he explained.

“One that says ‘hey, all that stuff you heard me say and do over and over in the last year?  We were just fooling around with y’all’.”

He then declared it time to get back to simple truths and admit “my campaign has been a big joke this whole time” – a message political analysts roundly agreed was one “sure resonate big time with the American people”.

Hammering home the new message, the Romney explained that “running a campaign where I alienate every interest group with each sentence to fall out of my mouth is just something I do for kicks.”

“Remember that time when I came across like an out of touch one percenter unable to express basic human empathy  for anyone making less than seven figures a year? Ha ha ha haaaaa.”

“Oh mercy.  That one still cracks me up.”

Fooled ya

It’s understood his campaign managers considered several potential strategies to regain lost ground in polls including framing current president Barack Obama for murder.

“We sat down and explored a bunch of options with the specific mandate of getting this campaign bus back on the road,” said one insider who wished to remain anonymous.

“Having Obama charged with murder was in the top three.  Our data show folks would have been highly concerned about voting for a guy on facing a murder rap.”

“In the end, the logistical challenge of framing a man for first or even second degree murder this close to the election was way too much.”

“Convincing people that everything Mitt has said and done has been a joke is infinitely more doable.”

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Microsoft Expect Hotmail Facelift Will Bring User Numbers Back Above 10


SEATTLE – Microsoft have announced the latest revamp to its Hotmail service is expected to bring the free web mail clients users base up to “ten or more people at least.”

A spokesman said by updating the interface with a new clean and minimalist look, adding safeguards against spam they were bringing the service firmly up to date with 2009 standards.

The overhaul is seen among certain circles as the biggest shift in web based email client software technology since “web based email client software” was a commonly used phrase.

New look

Speaking to journalists, CEO Steve Ballmer said he expected users to sign up in their ones “or even twos” as a handful of people temporarily forget they have already been using Gmail for the past six years.

“There is no doubt in our minds we created an email system that’s never been seen before if you’ve never used anything other than Aol mail.”

In addition to a brand new interface, Microsoft’s email will also be rebranded under the Outlook name and bring with it a host of benefits according to Ballmer.

The Redmond based company are confident that the handful of people still putting Hotmail email on job applications will now be called back for an interviews.

The computer software giant was confident that with a new Outlook name, they were on course to achieve user numbers surpassing their 2005 high of a couple dozen admitted users.

“We’ve shelved the negative connotations of the old Hotmail name and replaced it with a name to stimulate feelings that really resonate with today’s hip web mail user: the 9-5 office environment.”

User feedback

Some of the current half dozen Hotmail users have however, expressed some skepticism following the change.

“I been a loyal Hotmail user for a long time so obviously I’s weary of any technological progression,” said farmer Simon Watson, who also swears by VHS.

“The new look is different I’ll give ‘em that but I just don’t like the look o’ it.”

“It’s may be 2012 but some o’ us still like things the way there where in the 90s.”

In related news the company said they would soon have details on their new tablet operating system as soon “as we know what Apple is doing with theirs.”

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Watching Slow Plodding England Caused Lonesome George’s Death Say Scientists


ECUADOR – Following a postmortem on Lonesome George, experts have concluded England’s slow and plodding football was the cause of death of the world’s last giant tortoise.

Park officials said the tortoise, who witnessed all 110 minutes of the Euro 2012 quarter-final, was found dead in his corral by his keeper of 40 years, Fausto Llerena who was found asleep with his eyes open.

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Tougher Exams Require Students To Work Out How Big Brother Has Reached Season 13


UNITED KINGDOM – In a bid to improve standards of primary school education students will now be graded against tougher exam questions, like how Big Brother has reached season number 13.

A revised national curriculum would require children aged five to ten to have a firm grasp of number bonds, addition, subtraction, and how the reality show has been able to stay on air for 7 + 5 seasons.

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Bigots Forced To Decide Which They Hate Less: Black Guy Or Mormon


UNITED STATES – Voters who class themselves as bigots are being forced to face an “impossible choice” in the 2012 presidential elections: choosing between a Mormon and a black guy.

A recent survey of bigots showed up to 80% were afraid they will have to put aside unfounded bias and consider the policy of each candidate to make an informed decision.

The study indicated the dilemma facing bigots during the Presidential election, with many still undecided over which class of person they hated the most.

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Mitt Romney Unveils New Campaign Slogan: “It’s Mathematically Impossible To Stop Me Now”


MASSACHUSETTS  – In an effort to boost his bid to clinch the Republican nominee, Mitt Romney has unveiled a new campaign slogan -  “Mitt: It’s Mathematically Impossible to Stop Me Now”.

The presidential hopeful says the inspiring message of statistical inevitability would galvanise supporters and leave remaining voters in no doubt that resistance was futile.

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Syrian President: The Villas-Boas Reign Is Now Untenable


SYRIA – Bashar al Assad has launched a scathing attack on Chelsea boss Andre Villas-Boas, calling for a swift end to his managerial reign before he does more damage to the club.

Following the London side’s mid-week defeat in the Champion’s League, the Syrian President and substitute geography teacher demanded Villas-Boas step down gracefully now or be subject to tough economic sanctions.

“His time is now over,” said Assad on state television.  “Believe me, I know what a failed regime looks like.”

‘Chelsea Chelsea’

Assad indicated a number of problems with team selection but highlighted the decision to drop Frank Lampard, Ashley Cole and Micheal Essien before a crucial Champions League game as “utterly reprehensible”.

“Is this man out of his mind?!  There is no way one can make such damaging decisions and expect to still have a job by the end of the season.”

The Syrian president feared not enough was being done to protect innocent season ticket holders who were being subjected to an endless torment of what he called “brutally inept management decisions”, claiming he had never seen so many people continuously forced to suffer at the hands of one man.

Assad demanded Villas-Boas stand down and hand power to a transitional backroom staff to oversee first team affairs until an elected manager could be appointed for the 2012-2013 season.

“Sometimes you just have to get rid to the bad influences as soon as they become a problem.”

Harsh assessment

In response to coverage of the ongoing Chelsea crisis, Assad criticised journalists for “empty words” that made for good headlines but “did nothing to form a binding resolution to ensure the departure of Villas-Boas” and demanded tougher action be taken to save Chelsea’s season.

He suggested that if no action was taken before the return fixtures at Stamford Bridge he would move for a UEFA backed resolution to remove the 34-year-old from his post.

“Without firm binding action soon I fear we will see this man take a once proud footballing institution to an unacceptable low.”

He ended his scathing assessment by chanting:  “You don’t know what you’re doing!  You don’t know what you’re doing!  Na na na na!”

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Olympic 2012 Mascot Row: 26p An Admin Error, “Should Have Been 62p”


ENGLAND – Makers of Olympic mascots Wenlock and Mandeville cuddly toys have apologised for an error that caused Chinese labour wages to show as 26p per hour instead of the “industry standard” of 62p.

Following the public outcry, Telford based firm Golden Bear launched an extensive investigation into work environment conditions – This was concluded on discovery of  an error in the company’s accounting software.

It’s understood a junior member of the finance department had mistakenly entered “26” instead of “62” in the “wages” column while playing Angry Birds.

Correction

Golden Bear said they were “devastated” to hear workers making the mascots were labouring for more than 11 hours a day for less than half a respectable wage for Chinese labourers.

Speaking under condition of anonymity, the employee in question admitted “I know I shouldn’t have been playing Angry Birds at work, but finance can be a little slow sometimes.  I’m so embarrassed.”

The company explained the situation had been rectified by and the workers could look forward to the correct and full remuneration package of 62p moving forward.

A London 2012 spokesperson said it placed a high priority on “environmental, social and ethical issues” when securing goods, but understood that “these things happened sometimes.”

“We all get those ‘woops’ moments,”  admitted Patricia Jones.  “I remember one time I got on the 42 bus instead of the 24.  Didn’t know where I was going – silly billy!”

‘We’re not monsters’

In a show of good faith, Golden Bear also promised to conduct a “quick whip around the office” to personally pay back lost wages as a result of the clerical error.

Having signed up to London Olympic Games Organising Committee’s Sustainable Sourcing Code, agreeing to fair trade practices, the error proved highly embarrassing for the toy maker.

“Obviously we don’t expect people to work all day hunched over a sewing machine with no time off for 26p an hour,” a statement read.  “That is of course outrageous.”

“We have contacted all of our licensees to reiterate to them the importance of having the 2 and the 6 the correct way round.”

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Rail Operators To Increase Taking The Piss By 5.9%


UNITED KINGDOM – Rail operators will increase taking the piss with ticket prices by an average of 5.9% this year, the Association of Train Operating Companies has confirmed.

Multiple factors, including a rise in inflation has meant the cost of the average season ticket will take the piss much more than it did last year, although some operator may decide to take the piss even more.

The piss taking increases are set to take effect across England Scotland and Wales.

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