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White House: Media Not Reporting Smurf Village Massacre

WASHINGTON DC – Donald Trump has lashed out at the “dishonest media” for continuing to underreport serious incidents of terror, citing the Smurf Village Massacre as the latest example of journalistic negligence.

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Donald Trump To Build Wall Around North Pole

NEW YORK – Donald Trump has announced a controversial plan to build a wall around the North Pole in order to keep “the wrong kind of presents from entering America.”

Trump declared that should he become president, he would build a “great great wall” between the North Pole and America to ensure only the “best, most classy presents” arrived under American Christmas trees on December 25th. He also added that Santa Claus would pay for the wall’s construction.

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Police Search For Meek Mill Diss Track Enters Fifth Day

PHILADELPHIA – Local police have confirmed the search for a Meek Mill diss track is still ongoing, despite being missing for almost a week.

Meek Mill’s partner Nicki Minaj reported the diss track missing, sparking a city-wide hunt for a response from the 28-year-old artist. Read the full story

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CIA Used Torture To Obtain Santa’s Christmas List

WASHINGTON D.C. – Reports from the Senate Intelligence Committee report on the CIA’s use of torture reveal Santa was victim to brutal interrogation techniques to determine the contents of his Christmas list.

The 6000 page report details how the CIA carried out “enhanced interrogation” of Santa and his little helpers in efforts to “ascertain just who had been naughty and nice way ahead of Christmas.”

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MH370: Black Box Discovery Could Hamper Wild Speculation Efforts

NEW YORK – 24-hour news networks have expressed concern that the discovery of flight MH370’s black box could damage ongoing efforts to pass wild speculation off as news.

The discovery of the Malaysian craft’s black box would be a severe blow to the hopes of news network bosses intent on pulling their theories from the same black hole they think the plane could have disappeared into.

Hosts at CNN, MSNBC and Fox say they would be at a “complete loss” if they could no longer produce verbal diarrhoea in the absence of any evidence.

An inconvenient truth

With the search for the plane’s black box intensifying, there are genuine fears among major news networks that any hard data obtained would leave them facing the reality of reporting facts.

The plane’s black boxes emit “pings” at a frequency of 37.5kHz, almost as high as the frequency of baseless speculation emitting from 24-hour news networks.

MSNBC’s Ed Schultz said his team was not prepared for a scenario in which the whereabouts of the plane are confirmed, admitting: “it’s been so long most of us don’t even know what it means to report credible news.”

“It’s always a race against time trying to fill a 24-hour news cycle with absurd theories before facts hit your desk,” said CNN anchor Don Lemon.

Lemon revealed CNN turned down several “great” crackpot theories before agreeing on the premise that the Malaysian Airlines flight could have crashed landed onto a mysterious island like Lost.

“It’s an hour-long special and will be done as soon as I finish the season six box set.”

No news is good news

Malaysian authorities have made clear that if the debris from MH370 if found they would make counselling available to grief-stricken news hosts.

“We know this is a stressful time for those who claim to be journalists,” said a spokesperson for the airline.  “The closer we get to finding this plane the closer they get to having to do their actual job reporting on facts.”

Lemon did hope the plane was found, but said the network was ready for a prolonged search and had plenty of filler material lined up.

In an anxious moment he said his network would be watching the search for flight MH370 with bated breath.

“If they find that plane there’ll be no chance to make things up and call it credible journalism.”

“Then what will we do?!”

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Republicans Accuse Obama Of Using Presidential Powers To Run Country

WASHINGTON D.C. – The nation’s most prominent Republicans have hit out at Barack Obama after he threatened to use his powers as President to run the country.

Following the annual State of the Union address, conservative figures voiced concerns that the President would now misuse his position to embark on a wanton campaign of “achieving goals”.

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Man Files For Divorce After Kid Sees Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

NEW JERSEY – A local man has filed for divorce after his wife was caught kissing Santa Claus in the late hours of Christmas Eve.

Gregory Carter, who took his family to Santa’s Grotto earlier in the year, confirmed he was ending his four-year marriage to his wife Nancy following evidence of an affair with the white-bearded gift giver.

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SpongeBob SquarePants Calls For Strike In Krusty Krab Pay Protest

BIKINI BOTTOM – SpongeBob Squarepants has become the latest fast food worker to call for strike action in a dispute with the Krusty Krab over low hourly pay.

“Mr Krabs has gone too far,” screamed SpongeBob who admitted “krappy wages” is the reason he’s been wearing the same pair of square pants for 10 years.

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Banks Announce They’re Ready To Crash World Economy Again

WALL STREET – Bankers at the world’s largest financial institutions have announced they are ready to kick off another economic catastrophe some time soon.

Current economic conditions suggest now is “as good a time as any” to begin engaging in a series of esoteric, overly complex financial transactions that would inevitably fail and being the world economy down with them.

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U.S. Economic Recovery Boosted By “Record” Black Friday Violence

UNITED STATES – Stores across the country are hailing the “best Black Friday ever” after record levels of violence has put the retail sector on course for a bumper year-end.

Analysts cautioned against drawing conclusions before all bodies were counted, but early forecasts suggest needless deaths could be up as much as 8% from 2012 which indicates a robust economic recovery is well underway.

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