WASHINGTON DC – Leading Republican figures have slammed Barack Obama’s handling of the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon and called for a tougher stance on wild game.
In what is being labelled as further evidence of a “secular, Islamist, pro-turkey agenda”, the President gave pardons to two 40-pound turkeys, Cobbler and Gobbler, without full knowledge of their crimes.
According to many in the party, the leniency shown to each turkey “almost certainly” puts them closer to gaining a nuclear weapon.
Party thought leaders said both birds should have been tried before a jury of their peers, letting the system decide if they should have they records expunged and agreed it was on the President’s head if these turkeys went on to obtain weapons of mass destruction.
“This is an outrage!” Blasted radio host Rush Limbaugh. “Barack Hussein Obama has now pardoned eight turkeys during his time in the White House. Each one a missed meal.”
Michele Bachmann called move “naive” as the turkey now had a free rein to commit further atrocities.
“I think it’s sad that we don’t have a president that is able to stand up to the pro-turkey lobby and continues to let guilty birds plan God knows what in our country.”
In addition to sharpening his criticism of Obama on poultry policy, Ryan also took aim at the administration for sending mixed signals – pardoning two turkeys before siting down to his own Thanksgiving meal later that day.
“Look across the President’s table today and what do we see?” Ryan asked the assembled audience. “Cranberry sauce, yams, stuffing, gravy, oh and what’s this? Turkey.”
Former GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry called turkeys one of the three most despicable birds out there. “You got pigeons, turkeys and…ah geez, opps. I forgot, but the point is that Obama might be a Muslim.”
With no official explanation from the Obama administration, Conservative pundits continue to question what the White House is hiding from the public.
“I can’t help the feeling we’re not seeing the whole picture,” suggested Fox News host Megan Kelly.
“Why these turkeys huh? What’s so special about them?”
“Why was there no trial before an official pardon?”
“Why won’t the White House tell us what they were pardoned for?”
“Who are Cobbler and Gobbler, really?”
“What’s the real story here?”
It is now widely expected both birds, Cobbler and Gobbler, would rejoin with groups linked to al-Qaeda.