Archive | Terror Suspects

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Kim Jong-Un Executes Uncle “To Reduce Hassle Of Christmas Shopping”


PYONGYANG – Kim Jong-Un has explained his decision to execute his uncle came after struggling to find a suitable Christmas gift for the “difficult” former regime advisor.

Reports within the country suggest the North Korean leader had begun the search for a gift before deciding it was less hassle to execute his uncle and move on to the remaining members of his family.

Jang Song-thaek was accused of returning up to four Christmas gifts given to him under previous regimes.

Tis the season

It’s understood the once powerful uncle was notoriously difficult to shop for and rumours had begun circulating that he would be removed from this year’s Christmas list.

Kim Jong-Un was confident holiday shopping would now be “much much” easier, though he was forced to admit the family Christmas dinner might be awkward.

North Korean state television described Mr Jang as “despicable human scum” and a “total ball ache to shop for”.

In lengthy article foaming with outraged rhetoric, North Korea’s official news agency accused Jang Song-thaek of plotting to return his Christmas gifts as early as November.

Mr Jang admitted his crimes in court and a death sentence was “immediately executed”.

The report said: “Jang Song-thaek dreamed such a foolish dream of receiving the perfect Christmas gift despite failing to give so much as a hint as to what kind of stuff he’s into.”

“He is then disappointed on Christmas Day and more often than not has the nerve to ask if you kept the receipt.”

“How are you supposed to shop for someone like that?”

Christmas shopping made easy

North Korean experts said the brutal move was a clear sign that there would be no backsies this festive season.

This after state media detailed previous presents that had been returned or gone unused by Song-thaek including a handmade “World’s Best Uncle” mug given to him by and eight-year-old Kim Jung-Un.

Now 30, the young dictator recalled “spending a whole weekend with mom making that mug and uncle never drank from it once.  What the hell dude?!”

The ruthless disposal of Mr Jang would have serious implications beyond Christmas according to one analyst, with birthdays and other gift giving seasons now under more scrutiny.

“I think what he’s telling people – family members and military personnel alike – is that when you receive your gift you need to be grateful.”

“Or there will be grave repercussions.”

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Assad Promises To Stick With Conventional Methods Of Mass Murder


SYRIA – After destroying its chemical weapons production capability, the Syrian regime has promised it will stick to regular methods of killing its own people in future.

President Obama had issued a final ultimatum to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad earlier this year, urging him to stick to non-chemically enhanced methods of indiscriminate massacre.

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PRISM Program Forces Al-Qaeda into Mass Redundancies


AFGHANISTAN – al-Qaeda have announced mass redundancies will take place after the discovery of a U.S. operated online surveillance program, citing “lack of future opportunities”.

The organisation admitted the presence of an extensive surveillance system that circumvented Fourth Amendment rights of citizens was a “cause for concern” to their viability.

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UN Inspectors: North Korea May Be Developing Food Technology


PYONGYANG – The United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission have warned that North Korea is secretly developing technology that will “soon allow it to feed its own people.”

A new report raised fears the country has made “significant” progress in the construction of basic cooking facilities capable of providing regular meals to a growing percentage of the population.

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Republicans Slam Obama For “Soft Poultry Policy” After Turkey Pardon


WASHINGTON DC – Leading Republican figures have slammed Barack Obama’s handling of the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon and called for a tougher stance on wild game.

In what is being labelled as further evidence of a “secular, Islamist, pro-turkey agenda”, the President gave pardons to two 40-pound turkeys, Cobbler and Gobbler, without full knowledge of their crimes.

According to many in the party, the leniency shown to each turkey “almost certainly” puts them closer to gaining a nuclear weapon.

Failed policies

Party thought leaders said both birds should have been tried before a jury of their peers, letting the system decide if they should have they records expunged and agreed it was on the President’s head if these turkeys went on to obtain weapons of mass destruction.

“This is an outrage!” Blasted radio host Rush Limbaugh.  “Barack Hussein Obama has now pardoned eight turkeys during his time in the White House. Each one a missed meal.”

Michele Bachmann called move “naive” as the turkey now had a free rein to commit further atrocities.

“I think it’s sad that we don’t have a president that is able to stand up to the pro-turkey lobby and continues to let guilty birds plan God knows what in our country.”

In addition to sharpening his criticism of Obama on poultry policy, Ryan also took aim at the administration for sending mixed signals – pardoning two turkeys before siting down to his own Thanksgiving meal later that day.

“Look across the President’s table today and what do we see?” Ryan asked the assembled audience. “Cranberry sauce, yams, stuffing, gravy, oh and what’s this?  Turkey.”

Former GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry called turkeys one of the three most despicable birds out there.  “You got pigeons, turkeys and…ah geez, opps. I forgot, but the point is that Obama might be a Muslim.”

Unanswered questions

With no official explanation from the Obama administration, Conservative pundits continue to question what the White House is hiding from the public.

“I can’t help the feeling we’re not seeing the whole picture,” suggested Fox News host Megan Kelly.

“Why these turkeys huh?  What’s so special about them?”

“Why was there no trial before an official pardon?”

“Why won’t the White House tell us what they were pardoned for?”

“Who are Cobbler and Gobbler, really?”

“What’s the real story here?”

It is now widely expected both birds, Cobbler and Gobbler, would rejoin with groups linked to al-Qaeda.

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Barack Obama Declares Local Dry Cleaner Enemy Combatant After Bad Service


WASHINGTON DC – Barack Obama has taken an unprecedented step in the War on Terror by declaring a local dry cleaner a terrorist organisation after losing multiple items of the president’s clothing.

Lucky Star Dry Cleaners have been placed on a Homeland Security watch list following a number of clothing related incidents, including the loss of three separate dress shirts and damage to several others according to Obama aides.

The incident has threatened to sour relations between the United States and South Korea, or heavily stain them at the least.

‘It was my good shirt’

President Obama made the announcement from the Oval Office on his return from his latest pick up which contained one of the damaged items in question.

Sources close to the president say the damage sustained to the suit he wore when announcing the death of Osama Bin Laden was the last straw and had left him with no choice but to place Mr and Mrs Yeung on the terror watch list.

Mr Obama stated that “effective immediately” Lucky Star Dry Cleaners would be classed as an enemy to the United States of America and should be “considered highly dangerous and overly priced for the quality of service they produce.”

However, the dry cleaner in question – now subject to the rules of war – hotly disputed the accusation, arguing that they have been in business “for ten year and never problem!”

Mrs Yeung has even insisted that the president picked up the items in question several weeks before without complaint.

The administration dismissed these suggestions as false, warning that continued lies would be met in turn with targeted drone attacks.

Diplomatic situation

Shortly after signing an executive order allowing the use of deadly force against the Yeungs,  Barack Obama urged the American people to “stay vigilant” when getting garments cleaned and avoid Lucky Star like the plague.

“Michelle and I have frequented Lucky Star for the past four years, so it is with a heavy heart that I must classify this rogue organisation as antithetical to the American values of liberty, justice, and the pursuit of thoroughly cleaned attire at an affordable price.”

He also confirmed he was now on the lookout for a new dry cleaner in the area and would be consulting his yelp.com profile to determine his next move.

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Shock As Child Asks Parents: “Where Does The War In Afghanistan Come From?”


NEW YORK – According to reports, extended 9/11 coverage has led to an increase in young children asking their parents: “Mom, dad.  Where does the war in Afghanistan come from?”

The question has put many parents in awkward situations as they attempts to explain the fundamentals of the decade long war to young people.

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“Al-Qaeda May Be Plotting To Fund Future Series of The Kardashians,” Warn FBI


WASHINGTON D.C. – In a troubling statement, the FBI have warned al-Qaeda may be preparing renewed attacks on the United States, possibly by funding future seasons of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Officials are on high alert on the anniversary of Osama Bin Laden’s death.  Endless adventures of the Kardashian sisters could be the most deadly attack on a western nation since IRA militants attempted to keep Big Brother on air in the UK, a plan foiled when Channel Five bought the rights to air the show.

President Obama has been briefed on the possible threat and kept from watching E! for his own safety.

New terror alert

The new concern is based on information the terrorist organisation may be building a “war chest” of funds to make sure that The Kardashians continues into seasons eight and beyond.

Robert Mueller, director of the FBI was frank in his assessment:  “We don’t want to alarm anybody, but our simulations show if al-Qaeda help produce continued inconsequential adventures of this family of narcissistic attention seekers beyond seven seasons the country will not recover.”

Ayman al-Zawahiri had promised retaliation for the death of Osama Bin Laden, and it’s thought ensuring the nation is preoccupied with which basketball team the Kardashian sisters were sleeping with would be considered a suitable response.

Mueller claimed this particular threat was troubling as it would be able to bypass traditional defences and hit the mental faculty of millions within a three metre radius of their televisions.

A White House counter-terrorism advisor has already suggested protective measures against continued exposure to the Kardashian family – advising immediate viewing of C-SPAN if exposed.

‘We will remain vigilant’

Such an attack would be a departure from historical methods, but security experts say if successful could do more lasting damage, suggesting “our grandchildren will be many times dumber than we are now.”

“If al-Qaeda launch an attack to continue funding this show it could reduce our ability to think beyond a third grade level.”

“The country’s infrastructure would be set back decades, in that the country would lose the mental capacity to even build infrastructure for decades.”

Playing down fears, Department of Homeland Security spokesman Peter Booguard said authorities have “no indication of any specific credible plots or threats tied to the Bin Laden anniversary.”

He did however indicate that should future series of The Kardashians be green lit, Seal Team Six would be on hand to neutralise the threat to American lives.

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North Korea: “We’ll Stop Making Nukes If You Stop Making Fast and Furious Sequels”


PYONGYANG – North Korea has initiated dramatic turnaround in geopolitical posturing, pledging to discontinue its uranium enrichment if in return the US discontinues its production of Fast and Furious sequels.

An official statement from the Korean government stated: “After discovering Fast and Furious Six is in production, we see no option but to bring an end to our nuclear ambitions and reach a compromise to end this madness.”

The statement also suggested that “having nukes just isn’t worth it.”

Enough is enough

Under the deal, North Korea also agreed to observe a moratorium on nuclear and long-range missile tests.  In return, the U.S. promised to dismantle the current Fast and Furious production and disband the cast and crew under the supervision of UN officials.

In Pyongyang, a spokesman for North Korea’s Foreign Ministry told the state-run Korean Central News Agency that the measure is designed to prevent the U.S. from further weaponizing bad scripts.

America is known to be experimenting with the dangerous combination of Paul Walker, The Rock, Vin Diesel and no plot.

Next week, a senior North Korean negotiator is scheduled to travel to an underground Hollywood facility to oversee the end of filming in a trip seen as an early sign of warming relations under new leader Kim Jong Un.

In North Korea’s capital, where North Koreans are taught from childhood to hate pointless storylines, there was some scepticism over the news.

The U.S. is still blamed for the Police Academy series and is routinely accused of harbouring ambitions to produce unnecessary sequels to franchises that appeal to the lowest common audience.”

“This is the country that continue making Chipmunks movies for some reason,” reminded one local.

2 Fast 2 Spurious

Obama administration officials portray the deal as a modest first step in re-engaging North Korea.  Privately there is thought to be regret over the end to the series but have grudgingly agreed for the sake of international security.

“Personally I liked all five in the series and was looking forward to the next one,” confessed Vice President Joe Biden.  “I especially liked the one where they stole cars and then raced them around for 90 minutes.”

However, Biden managed to remain practical in the face of the imminent loss of a franchise that North Korea say posed a “grave risk” to international cinema.

“It’s not all bad.  At least we still have Transformers.”

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Al-Qaeda: US Must Better Protect Its Freedoms Before More Attacks


AFGHANISTAN – In a newly released video message, al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri launched a scathing attack against the U.S. for introducing legislation that “will make our job of terrorizing American citizens redundant”.

The message, issued on Islamist websites late on Thursday, features Zawahiri rallying against the National Defense Authorization Act which would “destroy at least five or six civil liberties we had our eye on attack next year.”

Homeland Security have confirmed the authenticity of the recording.

‘What is the point?’

According to the terrorist mastermind, a bill that allows American citizens to be detained indefinitely, interrogated and assassinated makes it pointless to consider the United States a target for future terror attacks.

“I tell our brothers united in Jihad against the West that we need to take hostages and hold them in secret cells, but America already plan to do this,” cried Zawihiri.

“So I tell my brothers we should instead begin leading strikes against innocents in the country of the infidels, but America want to do this too!”

On the tape, the  al-Qaeda leader became increasingly agitated as he demanded the U.S. government halt the erosion of its freedoms that would result in as any as a dozen sleepers cells being made redundant due to a lack of opportunities.

Zawihiri said the United States needed to do “much much” more to protect its freedoms if al-Qaeda are to continue targeting the country, and went as far as suggesting the organisation may consider moving its operations to a country less terrorized by its own elected leaders.

Must do more

Towards the end of the 38 minute rant, Zawihiri showed deep concern that American would now have to go a long way to ensuring the integrity of its constitutional liberties before any of their planned atrocities would be noticed.

“Now if we go and start assassinating innocent people no one would believe it was our idea,” blasted a frustrated Zawihri.

Looking defeated, he announced that while al-Qaeda is “fully prepared” to continue Jihad again the freedoms of the West, “if these freedom no longer exist then what am I recruiting you all for, huh?”

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