PYONGYANG – The United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission have warned that North Korea is secretly developing technology that will “soon allow it to feed its own people.”
A new report raised fears the country has made “significant” progress in the construction of basic cooking facilities capable of providing regular meals to a growing percentage of the population.
WASHINGTON DC – Leading Republican figures have slammed Barack Obama’s handling of the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon and called for a tougher stance on wild game.
In what is being labelled as further evidence of a “secular, Islamist, pro-turkey agenda”, the President gave pardons to two 40-pound turkeys, Cobbler and Gobbler, without full knowledge of their crimes.
According to many in the party, the leniency shown to each turkey “almost certainly” puts them closer to gaining a nuclear weapon.
Party thought leaders said both birds should have been tried before a jury of their peers, letting the system decide if they should have they records expunged and agreed it was on the President’s head if these turkeys went on to obtain weapons of mass destruction.
“This is an outrage!” Blasted radio host Rush Limbaugh. “Barack Hussein Obama has now pardoned eight turkeys during his time in the White House. Each one a missed meal.”
Michele Bachmann called move “naive” as the turkey now had a free rein to commit further atrocities.
“I think it’s sad that we don’t have a president that is able to stand up to the pro-turkey lobby and continues to let guilty birds plan God knows what in our country.”
In addition to sharpening his criticism of Obama on poultry policy, Ryan also took aim at the administration for sending mixed signals – pardoning two turkeys before siting down to his own Thanksgiving meal later that day.
“Look across the President’s table today and what do we see?” Ryan asked the assembled audience. “Cranberry sauce, yams, stuffing, gravy, oh and what’s this? Turkey.”
Former GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry called turkeys one of the three most despicable birds out there. “You got pigeons, turkeys and…ah geez, opps. I forgot, but the point is that Obama might be a Muslim.”
With no official explanation from the Obama administration, Conservative pundits continue to question what the White House is hiding from the public.
“I can’t help the feeling we’re not seeing the whole picture,” suggested Fox News host Megan Kelly.
“Why these turkeys huh? What’s so special about them?”
“Why was there no trial before an official pardon?”
“Why won’t the White House tell us what they were pardoned for?”
“Who are Cobbler and Gobbler, really?”
“What’s the real story here?”
It is now widely expected both birds, Cobbler and Gobbler, would rejoin with groups linked to al-Qaeda.
WASHINGTON DC – Barack Obama has taken an unprecedented step in the War on Terror by declaring a local dry cleaner a terrorist organisation after losing multiple items of the president’s clothing.
Lucky Star Dry Cleaners have been placed on a Homeland Security watch list following a number of clothing related incidents, including the loss of three separate dress shirts and damage to several others according to Obama aides.
The incident has threatened to sour relations between the United States and South Korea.
President Obama made the announcement from the Oval Office on his return from his latest pick up which contained one of the damaged items in question.
Sources close to the president say the damage sustained to the suit he wore when announcing the death of Osama Bin Laden was the last straw and had left him with no choice but to place Mr and Mrs Yeung on the terror watch list.
Mr Obama stated that “effective immediately” Lucky Star Dry Cleaners would classed as an enemy to the United States of America and this office and should be “considered highly dangerous and overly priced for the quality of work they produce.”
However, the dry cleaner in question – now an enemy combatant and subject to the rules of war – dispute the accusation and argue that they have been in business “for ten year and never problem!”
Mrs Yeung even insisted that the president picked up the supposed lost items in question several weeks before.
The administration dismissed these suggestions as false, warning that continued lies would be met in turn with targeted drone attacks.
Shortly after signing an executive order allowing the use of deadly force against the Yeungs, Barack Obama urged the American people to “remain vigilant” when getting clothes cleaned and avoid Lucky Star like the plague.
“Myself and Michelle have frequented Lucky Star for the past four years, but it is with a heavy heart that I must classify this rogue organisation as antithetical to the American values of liberty, justice, and the pursuit of thoroughly cleaned attire at an affordable price.”
He also confirmed he was now on the lookout for a new dry cleaner in the area and would be consulting yelp.com to determine out his next move.
NEW YORK – According to reports, extended 9/11 coverage has led to an increase in young children asking their parents: “Mom, dad. Where does the war in Afghanistan come from?”
The question has put many parents in awkward situations as they attempts to explain the fundamentals of the decade long war to young people.
One father candidly suggested: “This is tougher that the time we had to explain Santa wasn’t real.”
Ninth grader Thomas Darmody admitted he was becoming increasingly curious about the subject after hearing so much about it on TV.
“I asked my folks where it came from, but I could tell they were uncomfortable talking about the whole thing.”
Darmody represents just one of several young people confused about 9/11 and the war in Afghanistan who have posed the awkward question to their parents.
“It was during dinner when Thomas got this confused look on his face. The same one he got when he saw one lion mount another on that safari trip.”
“He looked us dead in the eye and asked: ‘Where does the war in Afghanistan come from?’”
“I didn’t know what to do. He’s not even allowed to drink alcohol. What’s he doing asking about 9/11 anyway?”
The subject has led to other tough questions such as “If it happened ten years ago why are we still in the country?” and “What’s a never ending geopolitical quagmire?”
Many parents are choosing to avoid the subject altogether with 15% of mothers offering “go ask your father” as an answer when the topic is raised in the household.
However, some parents are making an effort to engage in frank discussions with their children. Single parent Matthew Garnett recalled his experience explaining the war in Afghanistan his 13-year-old daughter.
“I sat Jenny down and told it straight. The war in Afghanistan is like…um…it’s like. Well you see…it all starts with 9/11. That starts the fertilisation period grown ups call ‘The War on Terror’. Now, The War on Terror grows and grows and after ten long years of drawn out, expensive combat in a land far away, out comes this beautiful…err…we’re not really sure what it is yet. But it’s something.”
“All in all we straightening things out,” said Mr Garnett. “Better she learn it from me than on some crazy internet site.”
“I just hope to God she doesn’t ask about Iraq until she’s at least 18.”
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a troubling statement, the FBI have warned al-Qaeda may be preparing renewed attacks on the United States, possibly by funding future seasons of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
Officials are on high alert on the anniversary of Osama Bin Laden’s death. Endless adventures of the Kardashian sisters could be the most deadly attack on a western nation since IRA militants attempted to keep Big Brother on air in the UK, a plan foiled when Channel Five bought the rights to air the show.
President Obama has been briefed on the possible threat and kept from watching E! for his own safety.
The new concern is based on information the terrorist organisation may be building a “war chest” of funds to ensure that The Kardashians continues into seasons eight and beyond.
Robert Mueller, director of the FBI was frank in his assessment: “We don’t want t alarm anybody, but our simulations show if al-Qaeda help produce continued inconsequential adventures of this family of narcissistic attention seekers beyond seven seasons the country will not recover.”
Ayman al-Zawahiri had promised retaliation for the death of Osama Bin Laden, and it’s thought ensuring the nation is preoccupied with which basketball team the Kardashian sisters were sleeping with would be considered a suitable response.
Mueller claimed this particular threat was troubling as it would be able to bypass traditional defences and hit the mental faculty of millions within a three metre radius of their televisions.
A White House counterterrorism advisor has already suggested protective measures against continued exposure to the Kardashian family – advising immediate viewing of C-SPAN if exposed.
Such an attack would be a departure from historical methods, but security experts say if successful could do more lasting damage, suggesting “our grandchildren will be many times dumber than we are now.”
“If al-Qaeda launch an attack to continue funding this show it could reduce our ability to think beyond a third grade level.”
“The country’s infrastructure would be set back decades, in that the country would lose the mental capacity to even build infrastructure for decades.”
Playing down fears, Department of Homeland Security spokesman Peter Booguard said authorities have “no indication of any specific credible plots or threats tied to the Bin Laden anniversary.”
He did however indicate that should future series of The Kardashians be green lit, Seal Team Six would be on hand to neutralise the threat to American lives.
PYONGYANG – North Korea has initiated dramatic turnaround in geopolitical posturing, pledging to discontinue its uranium enrichment if in return the US discontinues its production of Fast and Furious sequels.
An official statement from the Korean government stated: “After discovering Fast and Furious Six is in production, we see no option but to bring an end to our nuclear ambitions and reach a compromise to end this madness.”
The statement also suggested that “having nukes just isn’t worth it.”
Under the deal, North Korea also agreed to observe a moratorium on nuclear and long-range missile tests. In return, the U.S. promised to dismantle the current Fast and Furious production and disband the cast and crew under the supervision of UN officials.
In Pyongyang, a spokesman for North Korea’s Foreign Ministry told the state-run Korean Central News Agency that the measure is designed to prevent the U.S. from further weaponizing bad scripts.
America is known to be experimenting with the dangerous combination of Paul Walker, The Rock, Vin Diesel and no plot.
Next week, a senior North Korean negotiator is scheduled to travel to an underground Hollywood facility to oversee the end of filming in a trip seen as an early sign of warming relations under new leader Kim Jong Un.
In North Korea’s capital, where North Koreans are taught from childhood to hate pointless storylines, there was some scepticism over the news.
The U.S. is still blamed for the Police Academy series and is routinely accused of harbouring ambitions to produce unnecessary sequels to franchises that appeal to the lowest common audience.”
“This is the country that continue making Chipmunks movies for some reason,” reminded one local.
Obama administration officials portray the deal as a modest first step in re-engaging North Korea. Privately there is thought to be regret over the end to the series but have grudgingly agreed for the sake of international security.
“Personally I liked all five in the series and was looking forward to the next one,” confessed Vice President Joe Biden. “I especially liked the one where they stole cars and then raced them around for 90 minutes.”
However, Biden managed to remain practical in the face of the imminent loss of a franchise that North Korea say posed a “grave risk” to international cinema.
“It’s not all bad. At least we still have Transformers.”
AFGHANISTAN – In a newly released video message, al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri launched a scathing attack against the U.S. for introducing legislation that “will make our job of terrorizing American citizens redundant”.
The message, issued on Islamist websites late on Thursday, features Zawahiri rallying against the National Defense Authorization Act which would “destroy at least five or six civil liberties we had our eye on attack next year.”
Homeland Security have confirmed the authenticity of the recording.
According to the terrorist mastermind, a bill that allows American citizens to be detained indefinitely, interrogated and assassinated makes it pointless to consider the United States a target for future terror attacks.
“I tell our brothers united in Jihad against the West that we need to take hostages and hold them in secret cells, but America already plan to do this,” cried Zawihiri.
“So I tell my brothers we should instead begin leading strikes against innocents in the country of the infidels, but America want to do this too!”
On the tape, the al-Qaeda leader became increasingly agitated as he demanded the U.S. government halt the erosion of its freedoms that would result in as any as a dozen sleepers cells being made redundant due to a lack of opportunities.
Zawihiri said the United States needed to do “much much” more to protect its freedoms if al-Qaeda are to continue targeting the country, and went as far as suggesting the organisation may consider moving its operations to a country less terrorized by its own elected leaders.
Towards the end of the 38 minute rant, Zawihiri showed deep concern that American would now have to go a long way to ensuring the integrity of its constitutional liberties before any of their planned atrocities would be noticed.
“Now if we go and start assassinating innocent people no one would believe it was our idea,” blasted a frustrated Zawihri.
Looking defeated, he announced that while al-Qaeda is “fully prepared” to continue Jihad again the freedoms of the West, “if these freedom no longer exist then what am I recruiting you all for, huh?”
PYONGYANG – New North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has had his start date for succession pushed back after IT reported “major tech issues” while preparing his work laptop and log in credentials.
Following the death of his processor, the new starter had been expected to take up the role of insane dictator imminently, but difficulties in getting the required hardware onto the network have proved more challenging than expected.
“We’ve tried the government sanctioned smart card and the government mandated USB token but neither is working correctly,” said the head of the North Korea’s IT department Bob Hong-Ki.
As the only computer in the country with intenet access, the laptop left by Kim Jong-il is crucial to the ability of Kim Jong-un to carry out his duties of living a life of secluded luxury while his people starve.
State officials admitted IT issues were affecting the succession plan, but attempted to play down the situation as “just some tech stuff”.
Privately, it’s understood Kim Jong-il had not allowed the state’s IT department to keep crucial software up to date and had only been updated once in 17 years. In addition to “tons of malware”, the IT team would “almost certainly” require the 11 day period of mourning to be extended and allow enough time to get the machine ready for use.
“It took us ages to clear the porn from the laptop, and it was still using Windows 95!”
State controlled media announced that once the machine was updated the IT department would run several diagnostics processes, including the installation of Missiles Launch Pro, installing McAfee, and making sure Solitaire was configured to win on every occasion.
Has been advised in the meantime to think of a much stronger pass word as “nknukesu11″ was deemed insecure and would likely leave the system venerable to security breach.
Leaders from the US and Britain hailed the reports of IT related set back to the oppressive regime, but also sympathised with the pitfalls of dealing with IT to get a new computer up and running.
A source inside the secretive nation indicated Bob Hong-Ki was “getting defensive” when asked to give a date on which the succession could take place. “Hey look, we’re trying as hard as we can here. IT isn’t as easy as it looks.”
The department leader also highlighted that “sitting around talking about the problem is not make it go away any faster.”
PARIS – In the run up to the 10th anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attacks, France has quickly moved to raise their alert level to its highest position: ‘Surrender’.
The anniversary has brought to light a number of credible plots from extremist organisations including al-Qaeda, prompting the French government to raise the nation’s response level to one not seen since World War 2.
Speaking on national television, a shaken French president Nicolas Sarkozy said the decision to pre-emptively concede was necessary to ensure “we submit to whatever threat we are faced with at the earliest possible convenience
Mr Sarkozy insisted the move up from the previous level of ‘Hide’ had not been taken lightly.”
“We stand on the eve of a very special occasion,” and one that “could see enemies of France plot to launch attacks to threaten our way of life and dampen our collective spirits.”
“To those that would seek to harm or threaten us in any way, we have only one thing to say: We give up. Take what you want. Merci Beacoup.”
Interior Minister Claude Guéant said critical government departments were already running through security drills in preparation for any hint of even the slightest threat.
He did not elaborate on the additional security measures taken, but did move to reassure the French people that should the unthinkable happen, “this country can be in the hands of the enemy in well under 24 hours.”
Mr Guéant continued: “We’re being pro-active to ensure that we are able to surrender ourselves as soon as is logistically practical.”
Besides the home address, the interior also issued a travel warning to citizens abroad over the weekend: “Should you find yourself under threat, please lay down your arms and let the aggressors do as they will.”
The warning is one of many being issued across Europe as leaders prepare themselves for the possibility of attack from extremists planning attacks to coincide with the 9/11 anniversary.
Reports from Germany indicate the government has received specific intel on several threats, and are discussing plans to raise their alert level to “Humorless arrogance.”
Elsewhere, authorities in Britain have already taken steps to raise the nation’s alert level to “Moan and tut”.
This is one off the highest level of “Phone and complain” but Prime minister David Cameron said there had not yet been sufficient evidence to warrant such drastic action.
WASHINGTON DC – US security officials have leaned that al-Qaeda are planning an ‘ambitious’ dinner ahead of the anniversary of the September 11th attacks, “possibly on a rooftop or in a candlelight room somewhere.”
The announcement comes as chatter caught by the FBI shows the radical group to be in the “advanced stages” of a plot to host an elaborate meal to celebrate the occasion.
Only sketchy details have been given over the nature of the meal and security authorities emphasised that while the intelligence was uncorroborated, “we think it’s a seven course meal with a fish or steak based main course.”
A White House official confirmed the president had been briefed on the dinner plans earlier in the day.
Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano called the threat “the biggest plot we have seen from this organisation since their failed attempt to arrange a movie night earlier this year.”
She told reporters there had been “a lot of chatter” surrounding the topic of table settings and plate arrangements, but now details on specific menu items are beginning to emerge.
There are have also been unconfirmed reports of three chefs with links to al-Qaeda entering a US based culinary institution in August to learn skills necessary to prepare the landmark meal.
This, coupled with several best selling cookbooks retrieved from Osama bin Laden’s Abbottabad compound in May, suggests the former al-Qaeda leader planned to put on a “lavish feast” to mark the 10th anniversary.
Several pages were also said to be smeared with tomato and herb sauce: A clear sign the plot had moved past planning stages.
Officials believe new al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri will look to pick up where Osama bin Laden left off.
It’s likely the meal would be put together the night before, slow roasted overnight , then deployed during Sunday afternoon when it would have maximum flavour.
“Al-Qaeda has shown an interest in important dates and anniversaries so it’s no surprise they would plan something of this nature. A rooftop is likely, but a quiet candlelight enclosure would be more romantic,” Napolitano suggested.
“We are positive they will not forget to do something special for their 10 year anniversary. Unlike some men I know.”
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