NEW YORK – The UN has indicated it will make a firm stand against Syria’s president by pledging to use stronger adjectives to describe the ongoing massacre in the country.
With attacks against civilians showing no sign of easing, the organisation declared they could no longer stand by and use regular vocabulary when talking about the endless murder of innocents.
PENTAGON – U.S. officials have confirmed Iran are now leading the race to host World War III after a failed rocket launch led to an embarrassing setback from close rivals North Korea.
A decision will be made soon about where the third global military showcase, which will see aerial assaults, ground incursions, and the popular 100 metre sprint, takes place.
Organisers agreed that technically Iran have the superior bid in that technically they could be developing weapons of mass destruction.
World War III is expected to attract the biggest names in military prowess and as host nation, Iran would have safe passage to the finals without having to qualify by attacking nearby smaller countries.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad graciously accepted the frontrunner status in front of an impressive “Death To America” banner where he confirmed he would “never” halt the country’s uranium enrichment programme.
In an effort to bolster Iran’s chance of securing host status, he went on to publicly deny Israel’s right to exist – a clear sign of pandering to the selection committee which includes an Israeli delegation.
The committee, chaired United States and Britain are currently searching for a suitable venue to follow from a highly successful World War in Germany.
Such is the progress the Iranian bid has made that talks are already underway to hold a series of bombing raids on targeted facilities to test their readiness for a full campaign.
“They’ve put together an impressive package,” said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who had been impressed with Iran’s grandstanding and failure to cooperate with UN regulators on nuclear inspections.
Mrs Clinton noted: “Iran have a bid that appears to have it all. Including an authoritarian regime lead by a belligerent head of state not afraid to spew crazy rhetoric toward the West when in front of a camera, and easy access to Israel where many competitors will be travelling from.”
Iran’s bid now looks to be the only serious option on the table. After North Korea’s failed rocket launch U.S. committee have questioned whether the communist state are fully prepared to host such an important event.
“That rocket fiasco was a major setback for North Korean hopes,” said an aide to the Obama administration. “If they had gotten that right we would definitely be looking at them as a potential candidate to host this war.”
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates was more scathing in his analysis.
“We’re talking about the largest and most expensive military campaign in the world. You’ve got to be able to launch a God damn rocket into space! How else will we be able to fabricate a preconceived narrative to justify hosting a long and drawn out military event in their country?”
“They’ve definitely blown their chance. Absolute shambles,” he added.
It’s thought an outside bid could come from China but Mr Gates admitted it was unlikely as “we still owe them, a bucketload of cash…so they can pretty much get away with what they want to.”
CRYSTAL LAKE – After several protesters were shot dead during a ceasefire, Professional killer Jason Voorhees has blasted the Syrian regime for taking their killing spree “way too far.”
Following a year long campaign of violence enacted against its own civilians, the mass murdering lunatic said it was time President Bashir al Assad showed some restraint.
The demonstrations were seen as a major test of the ceasefire, and while the machete enthusiast admitted he “would have been tempted”, he said the government really need to show some restraint.
Jason Voorhees broke his silence today to call on the Syrian military to “dial it down” and adhere to the UN agreed ceasefire.
Referring to Assad as an unstoppable monster, he indicated he would have offered to aid efforts to monitor compliance but had a pre-existing appointment with some unassuming white ladies.
Voorhees’ comments come amid strong scepticism that Assad’s commitment to the planned halting of violence.
“Look I know how this goes,” said Voorhees. “You kill one innocent person…then another…and another. Pretty soon there’s blood up to your elbows and you’ve lost count of how many wide-eyed Jon Does you’ve hacked to death.”
The UN estimates that about 9,000 people have died since anti-government protests began in March 2011 a figure Jason said was deplorable even though it made him “a little jealous.”
“I’m all for a bit of fun and games, but there comes a point when you need to dial it back. Even Freddy took a breather once in a while.”
His words were backed by UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon as well as the creepy doll from Saw who condemned the killing as senseless and unnecessarily violent.
However, the public rebuke appears to have fallen on deaf ears. Although confessing to be a fan of his work, President Assad advised Mr Voorhees to leave matter such as the indiscriminate massacre of innocence to the experts.
“From one indiscriminate killer to another I ask Mr Jason to stay out of Syrian business,” Assad said, claiming killer’s attack was rooted in fear of the Syrian President overtaking Jason’s position in the top 100 villains list.
“This is the big leagues kid. He should work on his own stats and leave the real killing to those with the stomach for it.”
DAMASCUS – Arab foreign ministers have backed Kofi Annan’s plan to see Bashar al-Assad removed from power by accepting Nick Clegg’s job in the coalition government.
The proposal would see Assad become David Cameron’s deputy; allowing the Syrian president to remain a governmental position while removing any political power that could be to make an impact in his country.
Drafted by the former Secretary-General, he told the UN Security Council the proposal had been modelled on the last two years of the Liberal Democrat leader’s time inside the coalition government.
Mr Annan explained that seeing Nick Clegg reduced to a virtual bystander in government operations provided the blueprint for a draft agreement aimed at diminishing the Assad regime’s power over the Syrian people.
On a day in which further explosions could be heard from the captial, the former Secretary-Genera stressed: “To bring an end to the suffering, Assad must have his ability to influence government to all intents and purposes neutered like a dog.”
The international resolution includes demands for a ceasefire, the immediate withdrawal of artillery from residential areas and the acceptance that he Syrian leader will be treated with the same respect as a five-year-old at a Mensa debate.
It is uncertain at this point whether the deal will be accepted by Assad himself as it is understood he has self-esteem and may be unwilling to serve in such a deputy position.
With pressure mounting, the Assad government is said to be seeking clarifications including whether the dictator would physically need to have his spine removed as part of the deal.
Speaking from Downing Street, British Prime Minister David Cameron backed the plan as an “excellent strategy for bringing an end to Bashar al-Assad’s political influence,” and confirmed he did not really “give a toss” who was deputy as he would be ignoring them anyway.
The Conservative leader promised that “as my number two, I would ensure Assad could do no further damage to anything other than his reputation.”
Mr Annan said an agreement would be an “important initial step” to bringing an end to the violence, and described how Mr Assad must implement the plan by forgoing his integrity and reducing his power to the equivalent of a 60 watt light bulb.
UN members privately hoped that the reduction of power would pave the way for Assad and his allies to be completely disposed in the next General Election.
SYRIA – Bashar al Assad has launched a scathing attack on Chelsea boss Andre Villas-Boas, calling for a swift end to his managerial reign before he does more damage to the club.
Following the London side’s mid-week defeat in the Champion’s League, the Syrian President and substitute geography teacher demanded Villas-Boas step down gracefully now or be subject to tough economic sanctions.
“His time is now over,” said Assad on state television. “Believe me, I know what a failed regime looks like.”
Assad indicated a number of problems with team selection but highlighted the decision to drop Frank Lampard, Ashley Cole and Micheal Essien before a crucial Champions League game as “utterly reprehensible”.
“Is this man out of his mind?! There is no way one can make such damaging decisions and expect to still have a job by the end of the season.”
The Syrian president feared not enough was being done to protect innocent season ticket holders who were being subjected to an endless torment of what he called “brutally inept management decisions”, claiming he had never seen so many people continuously forced to suffer at the hands of one man.
Assad demanded Villas-Boas stand down and hand power to a transitional backroom staff to oversee first team affairs until an elected manager could be appointed for the 2012-2013 season.
“Sometimes you just have to get rid to the bad influences as soon as they become a problem.”
In response to coverage of the ongoing Chelsea crisis, Assad criticised journalists for “empty words” that made for good headlines but “did nothing to form a binding resolution to ensure the departure of Villas-Boas” and demanded tougher action be taken to save Chelsea’s season.
He suggested that if no action was taken before the return fixtures at Stamford Bridge he would move for a UEFA backed resolution to remove the 34-year-old from his post.
“Without firm binding action soon I fear we will see this man take a once proud footballing institution to an unacceptable low.”
He ended his scathing assessment by chanting: “You don’t know what you’re doing! You don’t know what you’re doing! Na na na na!”
WASHINGTON -The United States have confirmed reports that it is to cut off Pakistan’s $800 million allowance ‘right this minute’, warning that it would also be grounded for up to a month for ‘bad behaviour’.
The tough stance came after Pakistan reportedly ignored a series of public warnings to obey the ground rules which included taking out the trash, eating it’s vegetables and stop aiding and abetting known terrorist organisations.
White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley told reporters: “We said in no uncertain terms that they could not see al-Qaeda anymore and then we find out they’ve been hiding Osama bin Laden in their room for God knows how long!”
LIBYA – The editor of GQ Magazine has requested an arrest warrant for Libyan leader Moammar Gaddafi, saying there is ‘ample’ evidence he has committed numerous crimes against fashion.
Jim Nelson said his office has “gathered direct evidence about orders issued by Moammar Gaddafi to dress himself in the most awful of robes, hats, and assortment of questionable attire for the past 40 years.”
UK – The operation to implement the Libyan no-fly zone has left British armed forces are scrambling to construct a fleet of fighter jets, submarines and ammunition from Lego in efforts to support it’s military after recent budget cuts to equipment and personnel.
As a result of a reduction in military hardware, the government has been forced to import a ‘boatload’ of the colourful interlocking plastic bricks in efforts to manufacture the necessary equipment to continue being effective in an on-going military operation.
‘We will remain fully capable’
Defence analyst Charles Heyman noted earlier that cuts would leave Britain unable to carry out crucial operations without risking the lives of soldiers, a claim rubbished by PM David Cameron who was confident the country had enough Lego bricks to make up the slack created by public spending cuts.
“Obviously Charles is not aware of all the Legos we have in our possession,” he said following a meeting of the Government’s Cobra emergency committee – which stated that the primary task would be the procurement of ‘mission critical’ 2×4 Lego blocks.
“We’re working hard to supply our troops with all the Lego they’ll need in Libya,” Cameron later reiterated.
Britain’s involvement in the first stage of the strikes against Libya have been relatively limited thus far. If the operation were to drag on for months however, the country would be prepared to begin ‘Operation Red Brick, Yellow Brick‘ – manufacturing Lego bombers from a base in Legoland Berkshire.
Fun for all ages
The plan was not without criticism however, as it was pointed out that the Lego artillery may not withstand a fall of more than 20 feet on hard surface and Mr Heyman had genuine fears that pro-Gaddafi forces would be able to take British military equipment apart and construct a fortress to defend against further attacks, or worse.
“Could we live with ourselves if that monster began using British Lego against his own people?”
In a bid to ease fears, Defense secretary Liam Fox confirmed that the country would be contracting Lego experts from local nurseries to aid construction of ‘new and innovative’ military hardware such as two planes attached to each other to make a ‘super plane’.
A successful campaign could even lead to Lego being deployed in Afghanisatn, finally providing personnel with vital Lego supplies to construct much needed equipment such as helmets, helicopters, the Taj Mahal “or whatever the particulars of the situation called for.”
TRIPOLI – In an overly dramatic bid to put an end to the political unrest in Libya, the UN have enlisted the services of the A-Team for what is understood to be for a ‘reasonable’ fee.
UN secretary general Ban Ki Moon confirmed the appointment after admitting the Libya situation presented “a severe problem that no one else could help with.”
He later added: “dum d-dum dum, dum dum dum, da da dum d-dum dum, dum da da dum…”
Lead by Colonel John ‘Hannibal’ Smith, he team of Lieutenant Templeton ‘Face’ Peck, Captain ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock and Sergeant B.A. Baracus have been tasked with bringing order to a country that Colonel Smith believed “doesn’t know the meaning of the word,” before putting his cigar back into his mouth and staring of into the distance.
With the military situation worsening and population centres threatened, the appointment of the A-Team has come just in time for rebel forces.
Colonel Smith was confident that once they touched down, anti-Gaddafi rebels would be able to kick back and “let us handle the blowing stuff up from here.”
The team left for the port city of Tripoli yesterday and would take a several weeks to reach the situation having been forced to travel by sea due to Sergeant Baracus’ refusal to get on “no damn plane, fool!”
Expected to bring Gaddafi to justice, prevent the outbreak of a prolonged civil war and find time to coolly walk away from explosions all within a two hour time slot – allowing for ad breaks.
Speaking prior to the operation, BA promised to shut down Colonel Gaddafi and his ‘jibba jabba’ for good. I can’t understand a word that crazy suka says and it be gittin on my damn nerves!”
The sergeant will also be on hand to distribute humanitarian aid in the form of free Snickers if required.
British Defense minister Liam Fox was forced to admit the logic in the UN’s decision after a recent SAS mission ended in humiliation. he agreed that enlisting the services of the crack commando unit sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit couldn’t end any worse than the job done by British forces.
“Our first mistake was thinking that a team of the nation’s most highly trained military operatives could do a better job than the A-Team. Clearly we were wrong about that.”
LIBYA – The UK government has drawn up plans with America to rescue millions of barrels of oil currently stranded in Libya. The decision comes on the back of criticism that not enough was being done to see the safe return of Brent crude oil to British shores.
Amidst the political chaos, it’s thought as many as 1.6 million barrels per day could be left without a means of safe travel back to the UK.
PM David Cameron promised not to stop until every drop is safe and accounted for, announcing a specially commissioned fleet to be sent to rescue 50,000 barrels, see how the international market reacted and come back for more if it was required.
Eyewitness report seeing a number of barrels left cold, isolated and away from any water – perfect conditions for the storage of oil, but critics point to the 14 hour wait for a plane to arrive and take them home as ‘a waste of damn good fuel’.
“Let me be clear. We are taking this matter very seriously,” said Mr Cameron who plans to talk with US President Barack Obama to determine an emergency strategy to evacuate a further 100 million barrels before the price reached ‘really silly’ levels.
Our correspondent visited the country and reported witnessing many ‘disenfranchised’ barrels of crude oil left unattended and looking ‘in desperate need of an internal combustion engine’, but otherwise holding out as well as could be expected.
Some of the oil is still in hard to reach place like still under the ground it was uncertain how they would manage to extract them.
Several thousands of barrels who arrived back in the country on Thursday declined to give comment, surely the most damning indictment of the Foreign Office’s response being described by many as ‘disastrous’.
A lucky few to be rescued from the same off-shore rig yesterday were quickly airlifted to a nearby Tesco petrol station.
But with many barrels still to be brought home at an affordible price, the message from the coalition leader was clear:
“I want to assure those barrels still out there that your country has not forgotten about you and we are making every possible effort to see you on British ships and back on on British land and into British cars.”
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