Archive | Middle East

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Assad Promises To Stick With Conventional Methods Of Mass Murder

SYRIA – After destroying its chemical weapons production capability, the Syrian regime has promised it will stick to regular methods of killing its own people in future.

President Obama had issued a final ultimatum to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad earlier this year, urging him to stick to non-chemically enhanced methods of indiscriminate massacre.

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PRISM Program Forces Al-Qaeda into Mass Redundancies

AFGHANISTAN – al-Qaeda have announced mass redundancies will take place after the discovery of a U.S. operated online surveillance program, citing “lack of future opportunities”.

The organisation admitted the presence of an extensive surveillance system that circumvented Fourth Amendment rights of citizens was a “cause for concern” to their viability.

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UN To Use Bigger Adjectives When Discussing Syria Bloodshed

NEW YORK – The UN has indicated it will make a firm stand against Syria’s president by pledging to use stronger adjectives to describe the ongoing massacre in the country.

With attacks against civilians showing no sign of easing, the organisation declared they could no longer stand by and use regular vocabulary when talking about the endless murder of innocents.

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United States: Iran “Leading The Race” To Host World War III

PENTAGON – U.S. officials have confirmed Iran are now leading the race to host World War III after a failed rocket launch led to an embarrassing setback from close rivals North Korea.

A decision will be made soon about where the third global military showcase, which will see aerial assaults, ground incursions, and the popular 100 metre sprint, takes place.

Organisers agreed that technically Iran have the superior bid in that technically they could be developing weapons of mass destruction.

Qualified candidate

World War III is expected to attract the biggest names in military prowess and as host nation, Iran would have safe passage to the finals without having to qualify by attacking nearby smaller countries.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad graciously accepted the frontrunner status in front of an impressive “Death To America” banner where he confirmed he would “never” halt the country’s uranium enrichment programme.

In an effort to bolster Iran’s chance of securing host status, he went on to publicly deny Israel’s right to exist – a clear sign of pandering to the selection committee which includes an Israeli delegation.

The committee, chaired United States and Britain are currently searching for a suitable venue to follow from a highly successful World War in Germany.

‘They tick all the boxes’

Such is the progress the Iranian bid has made that talks are already underway to hold a series of bombing raids on targeted facilities to test their readiness for a full campaign.

“They’ve put together an impressive package,” said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who had been impressed with Iran’s grandstanding and failure to cooperate with UN regulators on nuclear inspections.

Mrs Clinton noted: “Iran have a bid that appears to have it all.  Including an authoritarian regime lead by a belligerent head of state not afraid to spew crazy rhetoric toward the West when in front of a camera, and easy access to Israel where many competitors will be travelling from.”

Iran’s bid now looks to be the only serious option on the table.  After North Korea’s failed rocket launch U.S. committee have questioned whether the communist state are fully prepared to host such an important event.

Missed opportunity

“That rocket fiasco was a major setback for North Korean hopes,” said an aide to the Obama administration.  “If they had gotten that right we would definitely be looking at them as a potential candidate to host this war.”

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates was more scathing in his analysis.

“We’re talking about the largest and most expensive military campaign in the world.  You’ve got to be able to launch a God damn rocket into space!  How else will we be able to fabricate a preconceived narrative to justify hosting a long and drawn out military event in their country?”

“They’ve definitely blown their chance.  Absolute shambles,” he added.

It’s thought an outside bid could come from China but Mr Gates admitted it was unlikely as “we still owe them, a bucketload of cash…so they can pretty much get away with what they want to.”

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Jason Calls On Syrian Government To “Show Some Restraint”

CRYSTAL LAKE – After several protesters were shot dead during a ceasefire, Professional killer Jason Voorhees has blasted the Syrian regime for taking their killing spree “way too far.”

Following a year-long campaign of violence enacted against its own civilians, the mass murdering lunatic said it was time President Bashir al Assad showed some restraint.

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UN Peace Plan Calls For Assad To Be Given Nick Clegg’s Job

DAMASCUS – Arab foreign ministers have backed Kofi Annan’s plan to see Bashar al-Assad removed from power by accepting Nick Clegg’s job in the coalition government.

The proposal would see Assad become David Cameron’s deputy; allowing the Syrian president to remain a governmental position while removing any political power that could be to make an impact in his country.

Drafted by the former Secretary-General, he told the UN Security Council the proposal had been modelled on the last two years of the Liberal Democrat leader’s time inside the coalition government.


Mr Annan explained that seeing Nick Clegg reduced to a virtual bystander in government operations provided the blueprint for a draft agreement aimed at diminishing the Assad regime’s power over the Syrian people.

On a day in which further explosions could be heard from the captial, the former Secretary-Genera stressed: “To bring an end to the suffering, Assad must have his ability to influence government to all intents and purposes neutered like a dog.”

The international resolution includes demands for a ceasefire, the immediate withdrawal of artillery from residential areas and the acceptance that he Syrian leader will be treated with the same respect as a five-year-old at a Mensa debate.

It is uncertain at this point whether the deal will be accepted by Assad himself  as it is understood he has self-esteem and may be unwilling to serve in such a deputy position.

With pressure mounting, the Assad government is said to be seeking clarifications including whether the dictator would physically need to have his spine removed as part of the deal.

Transition of power

Speaking from Downing Street, British Prime Minister David Cameron backed the plan as an “excellent strategy for bringing an end to Bashar al-Assad’s political influence,” and confirmed he did not really “give a toss” who was deputy as he would be ignoring them anyway.

The Conservative leader promised that “as my number two, I would ensure Assad could do no further damage to anything other than his reputation.”

Mr Annan said an agreement would be an “important initial step” to bringing an end to the violence, and described how Mr Assad must implement the plan by forgoing his integrity and reducing his power to the equivalent of a 60 watt light bulb.

UN members privately hoped that the reduction of power would pave the way for Assad and his allies to be completely disposed in the next General Election.

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Syrian President: The Villas-Boas Reign Is Now Untenable

SYRIA – Bashar al Assad has launched a scathing attack on Chelsea boss Andre Villas-Boas, calling for a swift end to his managerial reign before he does more damage to the club.

Following the London side’s mid-week defeat in the Champion’s League, the Syrian President and substitute geography teacher demanded Villas-Boas step down gracefully now or be subject to tough economic sanctions.

“His time is now over,” said Assad on state television.  “Believe me, I know what a failed regime looks like.”

‘Chelsea Chelsea’

Assad indicated a number of problems with team selection but highlighted the decision to drop Frank Lampard, Ashley Cole and Micheal Essien before a crucial Champions League game as “utterly reprehensible”.

“Is this man out of his mind?!  There is no way one can make such damaging decisions and expect to still have a job by the end of the season.”

The Syrian president feared not enough was being done to protect innocent season ticket holders who were being subjected to an endless torment of what he called “brutally inept management decisions”, claiming he had never seen so many people continuously forced to suffer at the hands of one man.

Assad demanded Villas-Boas stand down and hand power to a transitional backroom staff to oversee first team affairs until an elected manager could be appointed for the 2012-2013 season.

“Sometimes you just have to get rid to the bad influences as soon as they become a problem.”

Harsh assessment

In response to coverage of the ongoing Chelsea crisis, Assad criticised journalists for “empty words” that made for good headlines but “did nothing to form a binding resolution to ensure the departure of Villas-Boas” and demanded tougher action be taken to save Chelsea’s season.

He suggested that if no action was taken before the return fixtures at Stamford Bridge he would move for a UEFA backed resolution to remove the 34-year-old from his post.

“Without firm binding action soon I fear we will see this man take a once proud footballing institution to an unacceptable low.”

He ended his scathing assessment by chanting:  “You don’t know what you’re doing!  You don’t know what you’re doing!  Na na na na!”

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US Punishes ‘Naughty’ Pakistan, Cuts off Allowance Money

WASHINGTON -The United States have confirmed reports that it is to cut off Pakistan’s $800 million allowance ‘right this minute’, warning that it would also be grounded for up to a month for ‘bad behaviour’.

The tough stance came after Pakistan reportedly ignored a series of public warnings to obey the ground rules which included taking out the trash, eating it’s vegetables and stop aiding and abetting known terrorist organisations.

White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley told reporters: “We said in no uncertain terms that they could not see al-Qaeda anymore and then we find out they’ve been hiding Osama bin Laden in their room for God knows how long!”

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GQ Editor Seeks Gaddafi Arrest Warrant For Fashion Crimes

LIBYA – The editor of GQ Magazine has requested an arrest warrant for Libyan leader Moammar Gaddafi, saying there is ‘ample’ evidence he has committed numerous crimes against fashion.

Jim Nelson said his office has “gathered direct evidence about orders issued by Moammar Gaddafi to dress himself in the most awful of robes, hats, and assortment of questionable attire for the past 40 years.”

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“We Can Build Extra Planes From Lego” Says Cameron

UK – The operation to implement the Libyan no-fly zone has left British armed forces are scrambling to construct a fleet of fighter jets, submarines and ammunition from Lego in efforts to support it’s military after recent budget cuts to equipment and personnel.

As a result of a reduction in military hardware, the government has been forced to import a ‘boatload’ of the colourful interlocking plastic bricks in efforts to manufacture the necessary equipment to continue being effective in an on-going military operation.

‘We will remain fully capable’

Defence analyst Charles Heyman noted earlier that cuts would leave Britain unable to carry out crucial operations without risking the lives of soldiers, a claim rubbished by PM David Cameron who was confident the country had enough Lego bricks to make up the slack created by public spending cuts.

“Obviously Charles is not aware of all the Legos we have in our possession,” he said following a meeting of the Government’s Cobra emergency committee – which stated that the primary task would be the procurement of ‘mission critical’ 2×4 Lego blocks.

“We’re working hard to supply our troops with all the Lego they’ll need in Libya,” Cameron later reiterated.

Britain’s involvement in the first stage of the strikes against Libya have been relatively limited thus far.  If the operation were to drag on for months however, the country would be prepared to begin ‘Operation Red Brick, Yellow Brick‘ – manufacturing Lego bombers from a base in Legoland Berkshire.

Fun for all ages

The plan was not without criticism however, as it was pointed out that the Lego artillery may not withstand a fall of more than 20 feet on hard surface and Mr Heyman had genuine fears that pro-Gaddafi forces would be able to take British military equipment apart and construct a fortress to defend against further attacks, or worse.

“Could we live with ourselves if that monster began using British Lego against his own people?”

In a bid to ease fears, Defense secretary Liam Fox confirmed that the country would be contracting Lego experts from local nurseries to aid construction of ‘new and innovative’ military hardware such as two planes attached to each other to make a ‘super plane’.

A successful campaign could even lead to Lego being deployed in Afghanisatn, finally providing personnel with vital Lego supplies to construct much needed equipment such as helmets, helicopters, the Taj Mahal “or whatever the particulars of the situation called for.”

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