Archive | Latin America

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Cartels Reject “Dergatory” Comparison To Energy Companies

MEXICO – Mexican drug lords have unanimously voiced their outrage at comparisons made between cartels and British Energy supplies.

After what has been called collusion among the “Big Six” energy firms to again raise prices, the boss of a smaller competitor, Dale Vince, accused the energy firms of acting “like cartels”.

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Dora the Explorer Cancelled After Star Deported By Authorities

ARIZONA – Nickelodeon have confirmed it has been forced to cancel Dora the Explorer after the show’s star was deported from the United States.

A spokesperson for the broadcaster, iCarly, told reporters that at 10:30am, the eight-year-old was the subject of a “routine stop and search” in which she was asked to “produce paperwork indicating her immigration status.”

Despite the backlash from children aged two to six, conservatives backed the measure, calling the decision to preserve the heart of the immigration statute “a victory for Ben 10 fans”.

‘Shock to us all’

The incident follows the Supreme Court’s decision to uphold the “show me your papers” provision of the state’s SB 1070 immigration policy.

After going to her purple backpack several times, she was still unable to find the documentation required to get her out of her latest predicament.

Boots the Monkey was left distraught as the loss of his friend and colleague who said he “did not once suspect” was an undocumented worker.

“It just never came up you know,” said the five-year-old monkey.  “We were having so much fun I never thought to ask.”

Responding to accusations of racial profiling, Governor Jan Brewer has publicly stood by her state’s laws on immigration, arguing that Dora the Explorer was justifiably stopped due to a history of  suspicious behaviour.

Law enforcement agents explained that “no American would put that time and energy into educating our nation’s children.”

The deported

There are however now serious concerns that such a case could lead to racial profiling among other Nickelodeon shows – a charge hotly denied by Governor Brewer.

“Look I’m just as upset over this as anyone,” she assured viewers.  “I’ve learned everything I know about Latinos from that show.  This is not a witch hunt.”

“The law is the law and Ms Marquez was not able to produce the necessary paperwork when prompted by authorities – that’s one lesson she should have taught herself sooner.”

Nickelodeon are said to already be making plans to replace the star with a white girl who would teach children how to speak English.

Both presidential opponents weighed in on the debate with President Barack Obama calling it a “dark day” for Telemundo.

When told Ms Dora Marquez was to be sent back to her home country, Mitt Romney expressed his disappointment and promised to begin the search for a new housekeeper “immediately”.

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Watching Slow Plodding England Caused Lonesome George’s Death Say Scientists

ECUADOR – Following a postmortem on Lonesome George, experts have concluded England’s slow and plodding football was the cause of death of the world’s last giant tortoise.

Park officials said the tortoise, who witnessed all 110 minutes of the Euro 2012 quarter-final, was found dead in his corral by his keeper of 40 years, Fausto Llerena who was found asleep with his eyes open.

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“Consult Physician If Interest In Debate Lasts More Than Four Hours” Mexicans Told

MEXICO – Millions of Mexican males are being advised to seek medical advice after the appearance of an assistant in a revealing dress led to an interest in politics lasting for more than four hours.

Playboy model Julia Orayen only appeared for 24 seconds of the televised debate, but Mexico’s electoral authority warned it may have been enough to keep men engaged in its outcome for longer than usual.

In a worrying sign, several suffers have claimed her showing may have been enough to hold political interest until the next debate in June.

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Colombian Sex Workers Downgrade US Credit Rating

COLOMBIA – In a shock fiscal move, Colombian sex workers have downgraded the credit rating of the United States after the inability of Secret Service agents to secure required funding to cover a $47 charge.

The downgrade is a major embarrassment for the U.S. and could see the cost of sex services – including basic foreplay – rise significantly for United States citizens travelling to South America.

A source close to the White House confirmed the President has been briefed on the situation and will deliver his response under an assumed identity.

‘That’ll cost you extra’

The unprecedented announcement comes at a time when the U.S. is already struggling with huge debts made worse by the addition of the outstanding $47 bill.

A spokeswoman for the National Association of Colombian Sex Workers, Sindra Morales, made the statement that U.S. would be downgraded from “XXX” to a much less secure “XX”.

Ms Morales said in a statement: “The downgrade reflects our opinion the fiscal irresponsibility of the United States has weakened the expectations that our girls will be paid in full for a job well done.”

“We simply do not view the United States as a reliable investment,” she added before confirming that any “really freaky stuff” would still cost an additional 50% on top of the increased cost of a basic package.

Fears are now rife that the U.S. rating would move closer to junk status, in that the cost of servicing their junk has now gone way up.

Shaky market confidence

This is the first time any agency have downgraded U.S. rating.  The most severe warning was in the 1770s when Benjamin Franklin refused to class reach arounds a valid sexual act and reneged on a five silver piece payment.

Despite the setback, sex workers in Bangkok have said they had no immediate plans to downgrade their rating.  Analysts also suggested the U.S. still remain an attractive option for hookers.

However, pessimism remains as some experts believe the downgrade will only erode confidence in the largest provider of horny men.

Economic commentator Mark Conner said the United States now needed to show it was good for the cash and maybe even pay up front to re-establish confidence among the world sex markets in what could become the biggest issue in the run up to November’s election.

“There’s no doubt this is a serious blow,” said Mr Conner, “and not the good kind either.”

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Drug Cartel Threatens To Quit Arizona Over ‘Anti-Mexican’ Law

ARIZONA – A Mexican drug cartel threatened to pull it’s business out of Arizona should the state continue to push its ‘hostile’ immigration policy. Ernesto Fonseca Carrillo, founder of the Juarez cartel made the warning from a local holding cell on suspected murder charges as well as failing to show valid documentation when requested.

The Juarez cartel, who make recruitment’s from local Home Depot parking lots, rely on a steady flow of illegal immigrants to replace employees who have been arrested, killed or promoted to higher management positions.

Mr Carrillo later told bail lawyers he was genuinely concerned that the SB 1070 act would discourage potential Mexican foot soldiers from the state, forcing him to look elsewhere for fresh recruits to fill departmental positions in drug trafficking, extortion and homicide.  “How can we expand our operations with loco laws like this? It’s not good for business homes.”

He also accused the state of unfair profiling based solely on whether someone was selling drugs to children or not.

‘Our business depends on them’

A number of rival drug cartel leaders have come out in support of Mr Carrillo, arguing that many of their business relies on the willingness of illegal immigrants to do the jobs no one else wants, mostly because we know where their families live. “Cutting the dope, running the guns, shaking people down…It’s dirty work but somebody gotta do it ese.” argued cartel leader Fransico Felix.

He added that is would be “very very regrettable” if Arizona continued to limit the capacity of his organisation to commit crimes against humanity, noting that they are prepared to relocate their offices – currently located in a one bedroom family home – to California, who are considered to be friendly to the illegal narcotic industry in comparison.

In a bid to prevent a potential exodus, Governor Jan Brewer defended the law by saying it was not intended to be discriminatory or damaging to business, especially one with such deep roots in the community.  She also reminded the Juarez cartel that there were many qualified Americans workers capable of running uncut cocaine and gun shipments around town.

This argument was however dismissed by Mr Carrillo who says the health insurance costs incurred by hiring American workers was even scarier than any law founded on racial profiling.

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Arizona Blasts Taco Bell Expansion Plans

PHOENIX, AZ – Arizona officials have condemned proposed plans for the construction of a 4,200 square foot, single storey Taco Bell ‘down the street’ from a Popeyes Chicken and Biscuits restaurant.

The controversial building, which will feature employee parking spaces and children’s playground, has been called a poke in the eye of profit margins by senior management.

“I’ve worked here for six months and eight days and I’ve never been so offended. I can see them from the window!” said Jake Newman, 22.  “Giving customers increased choice puts our minimally skilled and even more minimally paid workforce at serious risk of being laid off.”

Popeyes supporters believe building so close to an existing branch is an insult to ‘hallowed’ chicken and would also be a constant reminder of their creepy Chihuahua mascot. “No one wants to see that thing when they’re eating” added Newman.

The Taco Bell board maintain they are within their legal rights as an American business to expand operations and offer their Crunchwrap Supreme sandwich to anyone with $2.49 and an empty stomach.

“We all want the same thing here” reminded Chairman of the Board David Novak. “We’re trying to make an extra buck like any other business, why all the commotion?”

‘We don’t need another Taco Bell’

Governor Brewer stated this wasn’t an anti-Taco stance, but did suggest Americans may have had their fill of ‘that sort of food’ and reminded Taco Bell management to respect the boundary of traditional American fried chicken and build further away, ‘like the next state… or Mexico.‘

Other Republicans have been less subtle with Senate nominee Rand Paul demanding ‘not even one more Taco Bell’ be built on American soil.

Beyond public outrage, Taco Bell will likely face additional difficulties as they struggle to find illegal Mexican labour to build and staff the restaurant anywhere in the state of Arizona.

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Mexico Attempt to Re-Enter World Cup After Deportation

BORDER, SOUTH AFRICA – Mexico are still said to be’ livid’ over FIFA’s decision to deported them from the World Cup due to shocking revalations all 23 members were playing withought proper documentation.  The illegal status of the team left FIFA officials with no choice but the eject them from the tournament, allowing Argentina to progress unhindered to the Quarter final stage.    Mexico Coach Javier Aguirre was enraged at the decision that ended his teams involvement competition, and says his team will find a way back into knock out stages even if it means sneaking into the country over the border with Zimbabwe .  “Of course I am angry.  I am an angry Mexican.  We just come here to play…yes, we have no papers but that hasn’t stopped me from living in America for the past 10 years”.  The discovery was made as a result of new FIFA initiatives giving match officials the power to stop any team to check for correct documentation.  “I just thought I would start with Mexico, randomly” describes referee Martin Hansson.  “I asked this guy for this papers, randomly.  He just stared at me and then ran.  I knew something was wrong”.

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Flu Pandemic Now "Too Big To Fail"

Swine flu continues to spread chaos across the globe, inflicting innocent victims with “mild flu like symptoms” such as “fever” and “fatigue”.  It shows no signs of slowing slowing down.  US President Barack Obama has described the pandemic as being “too big to fail” and is considering ways to tackle the problem, which may include a bailout package, in an effort to slow its destruction of human life.  Public health analysts have gone on record saying the consequences of the pandemic will be so large that our grandchildren will  still require treatment.  This comes after the WHO raised the alert level to 5, one short of a full blown worldwide pandemic.  I talked to our Latin America correspondent who is at the epicentre of the biggest threat to all of humanity.
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Virus Outbreak: Panic Level Raised To "OMFG"

But it’s still not high enough.

It comes as no surprise that pigs are the source of this latest virus outbreak.  Something that sleeps its own mess is bound to cause viral pandemic eventually. The feeling at this network is that the full magnitude of the situation has not been communicated effectively.  We are standing on the edge of a full blown global pandemic and while the mainstream media has done it’s best to instil the kind of fear the situation warrants, the network feels that there is still another level of fear to be achieved and I travelled to WHO headquarters to find out how we can get there.

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