Archive | Europe

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Pope Benedict Admits God No Longer Answering His Phone Calls


VATICAN – Pope Benedict XVI has admitted for the first time that God has not been returning his calls as often as He used to since leaving his post at the Vatican.

The former head of the Catholic Church revealed as many as eight calls to God in the past week alone have gone unanswered.

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EU Demand Greece Eat Pig Anus to Secure Next Installment of Bailout


ATHENS – In a move to toughen financial regulations, Eurozone finance ministers have demanded Greece eat pig anus in order to secure future bailout payments.

During a meeting of Eurozone ministers, chaired byJean-Claude Juncker set conditions Greece must meet before receiving further financial aid which include “consuming 500 individual pig anuses in a five minute period.”

It is the first time a nation has had to swallow this much swine rectum since Buy One Get One Free Hot Dog Day at Yankee stadium in 1998.

Tough talk

Speaking to Greek leadership, Mr Juncker said tough conditions were necessary to ensure Greece took their fiscal responsibilities seriously.  “If they want the aid they are obliged to consume pig anus to meet the requirements as set by the EU and International Monetary Fund.  These are the rules.”

The latest demands may prove too much for the near bankrupt country however, with reports suggesting the Greek parliament remains hesitant to approve the terms they say have become too much to stomach.

“It is no secret Greece needs further cash injection to maintain the stability of our economy,” admitted Greek Finance Minister Yannis Stournaras.  “But pig anus?!  How much do we really need this money anyway?”

After confirming the country needs the money that much, the Greek parliament are now in talks to relax the terms of the bailout to something slightly less revolting like fermented sheep urine or a Wendy’s family meal.

New economic arbiter Joe Rogan said the EU needs to see strong political assurance that Greece had the stomach for austerity, calling to Greek leadership to “step up” and do what had to be done.

He went on to remind Greece “the pig anuses aren’t going anywhere”, asking: “how bad do you want this cash?” Before adding: “Oh c’moooon.  Just do it.  It’ll be over before you know it.”

‘Can’t we talk about this’

Although in support of tough economic measures, German Chancellor Angela Merkel did not rule concessions, suggesting “breath mints can be made available while they eat their quota of pig anus.  We are not unreasonable people.”

With many Eurozone countries in similar economic crisis, analysts are predicting a wide range of demands in order to sure up faltering economies.”

“The anus thing sounds bad,” said Paul Sheen of Citigroup, but warned “this may just be the tip of the donkey penis and testicles that Spain will likely have to eat to get their bailout.”

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“Consensual Man Woman Relations Is Where We Draw The Line,” Say Catholic Church


VATICAN – The Pope has accepted the resignation of a shamed bishop found guilty of having a sexual relationship with a “grown woman” who was “very close to his own age”.

After being photographed hugging the woman in question, officials believe bishop Fernando Bargallo had no option but to vacate his position “or risk bringing Catholicism into disrepute.”

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Russia, Poland Slammed for Outbreak of Football During Mass Brawl


UKRAINE – The football administrations of Russia and Poland have been forced to apologise to extremist groups over an unfortunate breakout of football during mass street brawls this week.

Violent clashes between rival supporters were tragically halted when the respective football teams charged onto the field of play and engaged in an organised sporting contest.

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Local Man Curses Luck After Drawing Greece in Eurozone Sweepstakes


UNITED KINGDOM – A public sector worker has been made to seriously question his fortunes after drawing Greece in his office Eurozone sweepstake.

Gregory Davidson, 47, is said to have entered the office competition to see which nation would still be left in the Euro by 2014 “for a laugh”, but has since been left to regret his decision.

“I was feeling optimistic as I pulled a card out the hat,” he recalled.  “But when I saw the name was Greece my immediate reaction was ‘there goes my fiver’”.

Early exit on the cards

Pundits have already labelled Greece as one of the weaker sides in the Euro and risk being dumped out if they aren’t able to pull a clear financial strategy out of the bag soon.

Greece are currently in bad form in the Euro and after failing to agree terms on a bailout package are bookmakers firm favourites to be knocked out of the Eurozone.

“There were still a few good countries in the pot,” said Mr Davidson.  “Holland, Sweden…Finland were still knocking about too so I thought what the hell right?  It’s only a fiver.”

Earlier in bailout negotiations, President of the European Commission, José Manuel Barroso had assured investors Greece was “too good to go out” of the Euro, but later revised his assessment after seeing the amount of money they owe to german banks.

Without a functional government or sound fiscal policy in place, Barroso believes they stand little chance of making it to the latter stages of the single currency system.

That outcome would mean Gregory Davidson misses out on claiming the prize pot of £135 (€168), an amount roughly equal to Greece’s liquid assests.

“Dave from accounts got Germany – lucky bugger.”

‘Down the drain’

Many agree that Germany look the favourites to remain in the Euro.  With a solid defense of their own financial interests it’s unlikely they could be convinced to lend the assistance required to keep a number of smaller nations around for much longer.

So disappointed with his selection, Mr Davidson reportedly paid a further £5 on the hopes of pulling a stronger nation, but was left with Spain.

“Truth be told I wish I’d saved the tenner now,” he admitted.

“Another few months and I could have brought both countries and a hot pie with the change.”

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Latest Greek Tragedy “The Finest Ever” Say Literary Scholars


GREECE – After fresh failure to form a coalition government, literary scholars have hailed the current turmoil as the best Greek tragedy there has ever been.

As emergency talks fell apart for a third time, plunging the country deeper into crisis, experts of human suffering plots insist the crisis eclipses the works of any ancient Athenian tragedy writer.

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Greece Reject EU Bailout In Favour of Wonga.com Loan


ATHENS – In a dramatic 11th hour decision, Greece have chosen to decline the latest EU bailout and will instead opt to borrow money from Wonga.com.

The resolution was passed an overwhelming majority of Greece’s governing coalition who agreed the terms to secure a new financial rescue package would be more favourable with the short term loan website.

A spokesman for Wonga.com confirmed the money could be deposited into Greece’s central bank within minutes of their online application.

Sound economic decision

The shock move came after extended talks and multiple online comparisons.  The change in direction will also give the country the flexibility to put off repayments until their next pay day.

Speaking in Parliament following the last minute vote, Geek Prime Minister Lucas Papademos credited Finance Minister Evangelos Venizelos for making use of moneysupermarket.com to discover they could get a better deal on borrowing money elsewhere.

“Mr Venizelos has done his country a great service today,” said the Prime Minister before holding out his thumb and index held together.  “We were this close to confirming the terms of the EU bailout, we have truly dodged a bullet.”

“It came down to deciding whether we wanted to repay the money at a rate of 4165 per cent, or let our country be run by Angela Merkel.”

With an APR of over 4,000 per cent, Papademos admitted “the repayment terms are horrendous,” but pointed out that they were still better than the financial package offered by Germany.

Shopping around

Mr Venizelos said how the process “couldn’t be simpler,” and indicated he would not hesitate to recommend the service to other EU countries struggling with crippling national debts.

“It’s all fully automated.  We can simply move the first slider to the amount of money we need to keep our country running [approx €180billion] and move the second slider to set how long we want it for [a generation].”

Indeed, Papademos confessed his only regret was his predecessor’s failure to make use of Wonga.com in 2010 and with the debt crisis solved has now turned his attention to growing the countries cash reserves.

“I have seen many websites that will allow us to earn €500 a day without leaving the house.”

“With all these opportunities, I don’t know how we got into financial problems in the first place.”

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Jury Sentences Carlos The Jackal To Life In NHS Nursing Home


FRANCE – A local court has convicted the international terrorist known as Carlos the Jackal and sentenced him to life in an NHS operated nursing home without parole.

The Venezuelan-born criminal, whose real name is Ilich Ramirez Sanchez had expected to receive a softer sentencing option of life in regular prison.

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Greece Banned From Using Amazon 1-Click Ordering


ATHENS – In a move to tackle uncontrolled levels of national spending, The EU has decided to ban Greece from making purchases through Amazon’s 1-Click ordering.

The move – made in the face Greece’s staggering debt – will force the country to review purchases thoroughly before committing to buying.

Leading economists backed the decision to cut Greece off from Amazon’s expedited ordering system which they had ‘absolutely abused’ while unknowingly racking up unnecessary purchases thought to be worth at least €100 billion.

‘We got carried away’

The European Commission, the European Central Bank and the IMF are due in Athens this week to review Greece’s order history.

“Greece has shown itself incapable of handling the responsibility that comes with 1-Click shopping,” blasted European Commission head Jose Manuel Barroso.

Mr Barroso confirmed Greece will now be restricted to the standard method of ordering so that it would be forced to stop and think “before ordering a dinner plate set it was only going to smash up anyway.”

Showing disgust for a lack of self-control, he continued: “We have all suffered lapses in judgement when we get excited and buy that Britney Spears album when we should know better…but Greece has taken it too far and as a direct result of their compulsive shopping came very close to collapsing the Euro.”

Greece initially requested that Germany underwrites the items still on its wishlist – a request immediately denied by Chancellor Angela Merkel.

Prime Minister George Papandreou admitted there was a serious problem and said the current debt crisis provided stark waning of the dangers of a system that allowed you to make purchases in less time than it takes to say ‘Papandreou’.

“It’s so easy to lose control,” he confessed.  “You see something you like and before you know it, the package is on its way.  We don’t even see the shopping basket…we never had a chance.”

Way too convenient

He added that in retrospect they didn’t need to buy the entire DVD collection of Friends, “but when it’s just a click away there’s no time to think these things through.”

Mr Papandreou was later heard screaming “It’s just too damn easy!”

Italy PM Silvio Berlusconi did offer some sympathy, saying he understood how difficult it was to resist the allure of instant gratification but Greece “seriously needed to control itself in the face of such temptations.”

With 1-Click purchases denied, analysts expect the country to see a budget surplus by 2012.

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EU Fear Greece Spending Bailout Money On Secret Drug Addiction


ATHENS – After calls for more financial aid following two seemingly ineffective rescue packages, the EU now suspect Greece of spending bailout money to fund a hidden drug addiction.

Though yet to be confirmed European leaders have grown concerned the debt-laden country has shown no apparent progress since last year, leading member countries to draw what they believe is a reasonable conclusion: Greece has been using the money to fund a secret addiction to heroin.

EU President Herman van Rompuy said the theory made more sense than the idea a country’s finances could be so screwed up that despite two substantial bailouts totalling over €100 billion,  it remained on the edge of bankruptcy.

‘Greece was such a nice country’

Behavioural psychologist Sophia Roland seemed to confirm fears when she confirmed Greece was showing “all the classic signs” of harbouring a secret addiction.

“Greece is always in financial trouble and despite receiving substantial support with vast sums of money they remain in much the same position they were in last year. ”

“I’m afraid this is a textbook case of attempting to hide substance abuse from plain view.”

Mrs Roland predicted that Greece would continue asking for more money unless it was confronted by those countries close to it.  “My cousin had the same problem so I know what a closet junkie looks like.”

The EU said officials would halt the handout of financial aid and return to Greece to check for needle marks.

‘We just want to help’

Greece has however denied the allegations, maintaining it is just really bad at “finance stuff” and requested more than 8bn that it needed “real soon man, please”.

They later offered to sell the Netherlands what was found to be a stolen iPhone for €2 billion.

Although there was a desire among EU nations to help, there were worries that denial of further bailout could see Greece resort to more drastic means of raising money like theft or performing sexual acts on Hungary for money to feed it’s dependence.

Herman van Rompuy believed an intervention was the best option as help could only occur when Greece was forced to admit it has a problem.  He also expressed regret to see the once great nation fall so far.

“This is the country that started math for heavens sake…we can’t have them out there sucking d*ck for a fix.  It’s a tragedy.”

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