PYONGYANG – The United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission have warned that North Korea is secretly developing technology that will “soon allow it to feed its own people.”
A new report raised fears the country has made “significant” progress in the construction of basic cooking facilities capable of providing regular meals to a growing percentage of the population.
PYONGYANG – North Korea has initiated dramatic turnaround in geopolitical posturing, pledging to discontinue its uranium enrichment if in return the US discontinues its production of Fast and Furious sequels.
An official statement from the Korean government stated: “After discovering Fast and Furious Six is in production, we see no option but to bring an end to our nuclear ambitions and reach a compromise to end this madness.”
The statement also suggested that “having nukes just isn’t worth it.”
Under the deal, North Korea also agreed to observe a moratorium on nuclear and long-range missile tests. In return, the U.S. promised to dismantle the current Fast and Furious production and disband the cast and crew under the supervision of UN officials.
In Pyongyang, a spokesman for North Korea’s Foreign Ministry told the state-run Korean Central News Agency that the measure is designed to prevent the U.S. from further weaponizing bad scripts.
America is known to be experimenting with the dangerous combination of Paul Walker, The Rock, Vin Diesel and no plot.
Next week, a senior North Korean negotiator is scheduled to travel to an underground Hollywood facility to oversee the end of filming in a trip seen as an early sign of warming relations under new leader Kim Jong Un.
In North Korea’s capital, where North Koreans are taught from childhood to hate pointless storylines, there was some scepticism over the news.
The U.S. is still blamed for the Police Academy series and is routinely accused of harbouring ambitions to produce unnecessary sequels to franchises that appeal to the lowest common audience.”
“This is the country that continue making Chipmunks movies for some reason,” reminded one local.
Obama administration officials portray the deal as a modest first step in re-engaging North Korea. Privately there is thought to be regret over the end to the series but have grudgingly agreed for the sake of international security.
“Personally I liked all five in the series and was looking forward to the next one,” confessed Vice President Joe Biden. “I especially liked the one where they stole cars and then raced them around for 90 minutes.”
However, Biden managed to remain practical in the face of the imminent loss of a franchise that North Korea say posed a “grave risk” to international cinema.
“It’s not all bad. At least we still have Transformers.”
PYONGYANG – New North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has had his start date for succession pushed back after IT reported “major tech issues” while preparing his work laptop and log in credentials.
Following the death of his processor, the new starter had been expected to take up the role of insane dictator imminently, but difficulties in getting the required hardware onto the network have proved more challenging than expected.
“We’ve tried the government sanctioned smart card and the government mandated USB token but neither is working correctly,” said the head of the North Korea’s IT department Bob Hong-Ki.
As the only computer in the country with intenet access, the laptop left by Kim Jong-il is crucial to the ability of Kim Jong-un to carry out his duties of living a life of secluded luxury while his people starve.
State officials admitted IT issues were affecting the succession plan, but attempted to play down the situation as “just some tech stuff”.
Privately, it’s understood Kim Jong-il had not allowed the state’s IT department to keep crucial software up to date and had only been updated once in 17 years. In addition to “tons of malware”, the IT team would “almost certainly” require the 11 day period of mourning to be extended and allow enough time to get the machine ready for use.
“It took us ages to clear the porn from the laptop, and it was still using Windows 95!”
State controlled media announced that once the machine was updated the IT department would run several diagnostics processes, including the installation of Missiles Launch Pro, installing McAfee, and making sure Solitaire was configured to win on every occasion.
Has been advised in the meantime to think of a much stronger pass word as “nknukesu11″ was deemed insecure and would likely leave the system venerable to security breach.
Leaders from the US and Britain hailed the reports of IT related set back to the oppressive regime, but also sympathised with the pitfalls of dealing with IT to get a new computer up and running.
A source inside the secretive nation indicated Bob Hong-Ki was “getting defensive” when asked to give a date on which the succession could take place. “Hey look, we’re trying as hard as we can here. IT isn’t as easy as it looks.”
The department leader also highlighted that “sitting around talking about the problem is not make it go away any faster.”
BEIJING – Fears over a growing Chinese military threat have lifted today after reports that several anti-aircraft ballistic missiles have fallen apart during repeat use.
The Dong Feng 21D missile was schedule for a test after officials in China sought to give a second demonstration of its military capability, but the planned exercise was halted when missiles abruptly stopped working in mid-air before collapsing under their own weight due to an unspecified manufacturing defect.
Reports confirm the parts have been returned to their original manufacturer less than two miles from the test site.
One eye-witness said the missile appeared to work fine the first time they were used, “but they just fell apart only moments into this demonstration like a cheap piece of crap.”
In an unfortunate turn, several members of the cleanup crew were also admitted to a nearby hospital with suspected lead poisoning shortly after gathering the defunct missile pieces for repairs.
Chinese official have warned a meeting of military officials not to any part f the ballistic missile in “direct contact with your mouths for health and safety.”
A military product watchdog magazine said the failed military exercise was a blow for as it could not recommend the DF-21D as a method to threaten the West until the manufacturing defaults were identified and fixed.
“They were brand new missiles! We only used them once so what gives?” Questioned a frustrated Hu Jintao. The Chinese leader said it would be the last time he bought anything from “this damned country” again.
In a press conference, US president Barack Obama hailed the failed military exercise as a positive for US security while disclosing that he was never worried about the threat.
“We knew this was going to happen eventually,” said Present Obama. “The outcome is no surprise to anyone among us who has brought stuff from China and had it break within a week.”
UK Prime Minister David Cameron echoed US confidence and stated that “until Chinese manufacturing was at least as good as Indonesia least,” the west had notion to fear.
The incident is expected to raises serious questions over the endurance of Chinese military equipment, but Hu Jintao refused to accept China’s influence would diminish as a result of poor manufacturing.
He did however admit they should have got their missiles made in Korea as “the manufacturing quality is second to none over there.”
TOKYO – Japan has been left reeling following news Prime Minster Yoshihiko Noda has quit after an embarrassing run of consecutive defeats in Street Fighter 4.
Mr Noda’s efforts in the popular arcade fighting game were widely accepted as shambolic and immediately lead to calls from opposition leaders to resign.
Calling his performance “a disgrace”, the head of Japan’s Democratic Party apologised several times and stepped down from his position after only 36 days as Prime Minister.
His opponent, local teenager Kazaki Sato, also criticised the Prime Minister’s over reliance on basic punch and kick moves in a session that saw Mr Noda suffer the humiliation of four perfect rounds.
The 54-year-old described the moment he was hit with Ryu’s Ultra Combo Metsu Shoryuken for the fifth time as the “worse of my political career.”
Opposition Liberal Democratic Party spokesman Yuriko Koike condemned Japan’s leader for “bringing dishonour to his station by sticking with M.Bison for so long.”
He continued: “He could not pull off a single combo. It was how America say, ah ‘ass-whooping’.”
Although not in attendance, the Emperor of Japan agreed the Prime Minister’s showing at the Shibuya arcade and Pachinko parlour was “unacceptable for a man of such high office.”
“I have heard the reports. He was all over the place and has shamed us all,” criticised Emperor Akihito, who said he now regretted his appointment of the Prime Minster.
The scandal is considered the biggest embarrassment surrounding a Prime Minster since 1989 when Sosuke Uno suffered ten straight defeats in Punch Out!!
Prehaps unsurprisingly, Mr Noda admitted he was unsure how to do a Dragon Punch when quizzed after his defeat – an admission that has left many to question how he made it to one of Japan’s highest ranking positions in the first place.
Although troubled by the loss of another leader in government after such a short time, citizens were left with no choice but to agree after learning of the dismal streak.
“Government is no place for those with no skill in Street Fighter,” said Internal Affairs Minister Tatsuo Kawabata. “If this was Dead or Alive we could forgive him, but no. No, he had to go.”
In a bid for political continuity, the Democratic Party announced it would immediately hold a Street Fighter 4 tournament to decide Mr Noda’s replacement.
Emperor Akihito declared it to be “the only way we will avoid making this tragic mistake again.”
BEIJING – China has launched an astonishing attack on the United States after it received ‘shameful’ grades in it’s latest credit rating report card.
Despite scraping triple A’s from Moody’s and Fitch and a AAA+ in PE, the AA+ grade means the US has fallen ‘well short’ of Chinese expectations, having failed the economic portion of finals exams.
Expressing their ‘severe disappointment’, largest holder of US treasury bills said it would not tolerate someone they provide ongoing financial support to bring home anything less than straight triple A’s.
They also warned if the grades didn’t pick up fast they would hand out “one hell of a spanking.”
A spokesperson for the S&P said the outcome could have been avoided if the US had just studied well ahead of time for the debt ceiling portion of examinations instead of trying to cram meaningful debate on a balanced, growth oriented economic policy the night before.
China are thought to be particularly disappointed over America’s failure considering “we buy everything for them so they can to focus on getting good grades.”
A Chinese official was quoted as saying: “Why they not get triple A huh? AA+ not good enough. Maybe in Belgium’s house, but not here. They may as well bring home F. Same thing!”
The source also confirmed there was ‘no way’ this report card would be put on the fridge.
To make matters worse the agency issued a negative outlook, meaning the US could be forced to sit in the Special Ed classes with Ireland and Greece if it continued it’s downward slide.
China have now called on the US to get itself get a tutor and increase the number of hours it spent studying amid worries the downgrade would prevent the world’s largest economy to get into a good Ivy League school.
For it’s part, the United States blamed the fall in grades on the fact it was “going through some stuff right now, okay.”
A spokeswoman for the S&P did offer some optimism for concerned China, reminding that the top grade was only missed by a mere margin of endless bi-partisan bickering, which could be improved by taking extra classes.
She added: “If America buckles down, studies hard and makes a real effort to move beyond childlike partisan politics it might avoid having to repeat the year.”
BEIJING – After calling the current level of human rights violations shameful, China have vowed to bring the number of atrocities “down to acceptable levels.”
Addressing the international community, Chinese President Hu Jintao committed to seeing the recorded cases of torture and abuse suffered by dissidents at the hands of the government reduced by “at least 50% over the next four years.”
He is said to be saddened to learn that the number abuse cases caused by state officials was six times the acceptable limit and pledged to “tone it down.”
It’s also thought that lowering the current figures will help with administration as trying to hide evidence of that many violations is very hard work, according to the government.
President Hu acknowledged that a lot will need to be done in China to bring acts of human depravity in line with international standards.
Asked to justify China’s human rights record, Mr Hu conceded it was “pretty high, there’s no denying that. We got carried away over the last few decades – sorry about that.”
“We’ve heard the feedback and will endeavour to reduce our figures to something much more palatable.”
The Chinese government is to issue guidelines to make it clear what constituted torture and what was simply enhanced disagreement.
China also agreed to outsource the bulk of it’s current abuse management to countries in the Middle East in a model similar to that used in the west which could see a further 17% reduction in recorded cases year over year.
“We will let someone else carry out unspeakable treatment of prisoners on our behalf, so those numbers won’t count against us.”
Hu assured skeptics by also announcing a bi-annual report into the number of atrocities committed to demonstrate to the international community that they were serious about staying within what was known as the “green zone” of human suffering rates.
They warned however, that they could not bring the total to zero as there would always be a “natural level of government sponsored abuse that could not be avoided.”
Still, he remained optimistic about reach the stated target:
“We think a couple dozen abuse violations per officer per a month is reasonable for a country of our size. At least that’s less people than watch Jersey Shore.”
NORTH KOREA – The Coca-Cola Corporation has said a report that North Korea has built an unlicensed Coca-Cola bottling facility is further evidence of Pyongyang “continuing on a path which is destabilising for our shareholders.”
North Korean officials revealed the existence of the multi-storey plant to Stanford professor Siegfried Hecker, a self-proclaimed Coke fiend this week. Hecker’s tour was the first time that North Korea has either admitted or shown off a bottling facility and was thought to send a clear message to the American corporation: not only are we making our own Coke, but it tastes great!
It appears scientists in Pyongyang continued enrichment of the secret formula after previous attempts could only produce a beverage with the taste of New Coke, and are now close to being able to manufacture, bottle and distribute their own Coke on a worryingly large scale.
“That they are trying to make their own refreshingly tasty Coke without the proper licensing agreement shows a long time deceitfulness that is beyond belief,” blasted a Coca-Cola spokeswoman.
The Coca-Cola Corporation said they had been aware of the North’s potential for duplicating their secret recipe, and although many were astonished at the news, CEO Muhtar Kent was not surprised.
“Sure, everyone loves the refreshing taste of Coca-Cola,” he said. “When those smooth bubbles go down your throat that sunshine smile spreads on you face? Who wouldn’t want to replicate that? But this is still unacceptable. They should have cleared this with our legal department.”
If left unchecked, the facility could manufacture and bottle enough Coke and Diet Coke to supply hundreds of American birthday parties, vending machines and barbecue’s come next summer . The real worry would come if they manage to duplicate the site elsewhere. “They could use the first site to make Coke and a second to make Cherry Coke. We’d be out of business in no time,” warned Kent.
In a blind taste test, professor Hecker said he could not tell the difference between Coke produced in North Korea and America.
Experts point to the stranglehold of sanctions and suggest that Pyongyang is preparing to use the facility as an outlet for the sale of Coke and Coke related accessories to boost their economy.
“They want food. They are starving to death. If they sold their own Coke on the open market…well I don’t need to tell you how lucrative that would be.”
BURMA – Ann San Suu Kyi has revealed her ‘deep disappointment’ after becoming the first victim of new reality television show Politically Punk’d. The MTV production sees host Ashton Kutcher playing practical jokes on high profile political figures ‘for a laugh’. On Saturday, his team lead Ms Suu Kyi to believe she was taking her first steps outside her home as a free woman after being under house arrest for 15 of the past 21 years, until Mr Kutcher explained to her she was only on a reality television programme.
“We spent six months planning this,” explained a cheery Kutcher who said the stunt, taped live in Burma, went off flawlessly. “I wasn’t sure if she would suspect anything, but I guess she wanted to so badly she was willing to believe it. You should have seen the look on her face!”
Speaking in front of what she thought to be thousand of supporters 24 hours after her fabricated release, Ms Suu Kyi was interrupted during a speech on democracy and freedom by Mr Kutcher and a camera crew to a chorus of ‘psyche!’ from the assembled crowd of actors. She was then led back to her home to serve out the rest of her indefinite sentence for continuously speaking out again the country’s oppressive regime.
Executive producer Matt Gregory said: “Anny was a real sport about the whole thing. We’ll make sure to send a gift basket to her house.”
International reaction had been overwhelmingly positive for what is fast being recognised as the best practical joke in the political history since George Bush was elected president of an entire country. Current US President Barack Obama hailed the prank as one of his favourites, admitting that ‘they even had me fooled for a minute.”
British Prime Minister David Cameron said the look on the pro-democracy leader’s face was priceless’, adding: “To have spent all this time and energy on a prank of this magnitude is just above and beyond the call of duty. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.”
UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon admitted that even he was ‘totally fooled’ and urged the shows producers to continue their efforts with other high profile political figures. “If they could convince the Dalai Lama that Tibet is free, Ashton would surely go down as one of the greatest pranksters in history.”
DELHI – The chaos surrounding the Delhi preparations for the Commonwealth Games has deepened after the Big Bad Wolf added to condemnation of India’s readiness to host. Mr Wolf a.k.a ‘Wolfie’, an expert in structural engineering, agreed to go on record with an account of the ‘disastrous’ construction work in the country. “I was there for five months and knew it was a mess,” recalls Wolfie’. “They didn’t want to hear it though. By the way, my name isn’t Wolfie, don’t call me that.”
The past week has already seen the collapse of a footbridge leading to the event’s main stadium, but Wolfie is not surprised by press reports of disarray. “I know a thing or two about crappy workmanship, so when I say a building is coming down…buddy, you better believe it’s coming down. I could’ve blown that bridge over in ten puffs or less.”
This expert testimonial has only increased the pressure on the government amid already escalated concerns that hosting the Commonwealth Games may be a step too far for the fledgling nation. Urban development minister Jaipal Reddy quickly moved to rubbish such claims, insisting preparations will be complete on schedule. When faced with questions over sub-standard construction, he said: “I know about Mr Wolf, he is notorious for causing trouble in matters that do not concern him and should not be taken on face value. The games will go ahead as planned.”
Many high profile athletes have already pulled out on the advice of Wolfie, who laughed of assertions India would get their act together in time as ‘fairytale’.
Mr Reddy however, maintains he is not afraid of ‘overblown accusations’ from the Big Bad Wolf, dismissing his earlier remarks that the first two little pigs did a better job than India, calling them ‘unnecessarily inflammatory and unhelpful’.
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