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Arsene Wenger: “Mugabe Should Have Got More Time”

EMIRATES, LONDON – Arsenal Manager Arsene Wenger is reported to be “very surprised indeed” to see Robert Mugabe willingly resign from his role as dictator.

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Npower To Honour Nelson Mandela By Increasing Prices Another 2.7%

UNITED KINGDOM – Energy supplier Npower has announced it will raise its energy prices a further 2.7% to mark the memory of Nelson Mandela time in prison.

The company already increased prices by 10.4% this year, in honour of the company’s favourite number 10.4, but said it couldn’t miss the opportunity to pay their respects to the great leader and visionary.

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A Response Letter From Joseph Kony

CENTRAL AFRICA – The following letter to internet users was delivered today on behalf of Joseph Kony:

Dear internet users,

By now you are no doubt aware of the highly inflammatory claim made by many on your “social network” websites.  Ever since a certain video went viral I have had to face continuous accusations and frankly, enough is enough.

The slanderous images being spread on your Facebook and your Twitter have further hindered my credibility and it is this witch-hunt that has left me with no option but to issue this definitive denial:

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Internet Users Frustrated Joseph Kony Still Free After Week of Tweeting

INTERNET – Following an entire week of tweeting, internet users have reportedly become frustrated that Joseph Kony has not been captured, branding the situation as “lame”.

Despite an internet campaign calling for the arrest of Kony going viral,  thousands over Twitter users are said to be disillusioned over the failure of their tweets to bring the head of the Lord’s Resistance Army to justice.

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Nigerian President Sends Email Request For Financial Aid

From: Abuja, Nigeria

 To: The esteemed President / Prime Minister,

As you are no doubt aware, our country is under attack by the extremist group Boko Haram who continue to terrorise those in the south.  I write to you to request assistance from your government to help rid us of these militant scoundrels.

The terrible scenes of violence must be stopped and having consulted with my ministers, I offer you the opportunity of a lifetime to aid your troubled counterparts and make your country very rich in turn.

Let me explain the current situation.

To fight back against Boko Haram I planned to deploy peacekeeping personnel highly trained in matters of keeping the peace.  As you will no doubt be fully aware this requires monies of substance to maintain.  Sometimes securing the peace feel like marriage to Heather Mills.  I jest.

However, it is important to remind you that in a state of emergency even I am forbidden to conduct the transactions necessary to provide the funds needed to enable our peacekeepers to peacekeep.

I believe it is what you call a “catch em 22” and that is where you come in.

Being a person of your advanced educational skills, I am certain there is no need to explain to you that without bringing a stop to the fighting our monies remain in a suspended account at our Central Bank of Nigeria.

However, as president I have the ability to authorise our central bank to transfer the sum of $47,500,000,000.00 (Forty seven billion, five hundred million dollars) from our vast oil revenues into your international account which can then be use to fund our fight against terrorism.

I’m sure you understand these are very substantial and vast sums as I have just told you this fact.  Once the violence is brought to an end, you can transfer the money back to my country and keep a percentage for yourself.

Sharing is caring as they say.

The total sum will be shared as follows: 70% for us and 30% for you.  As you can see these terms are on par with the Apple application shop and as such I am sure you will find them fair.

The transfer is risk free on both sides and as I am president of this country I have the authority to say such things as I am saying to you currently.

If you find this proposal acceptable, I shall require the following document to begin the fight back against extremism:

  1. Your nation’s central banker’s name, telephone, account and fax number.
  2. Your own private telephone and fax number – for confidentiality and easy communication.
  3. Your letter headed paper stamped and signed.
  4. You diary dates indicating the time you will be out of the country – for improved schedule coordination.

Please call me at your convenience on 18-467-4975 or contact our bank at

Time is of the essence as I have mentioned the sooner you act the more monies there will be with your name on.

I look forward to your assistance and solicit absolute confidentiality from you on this opportunity.  Please do not inform any other heads of states unless this is the head of Greece, Italy or Spain, in which case please forward this correspondence to another country.

Awaiting your urgent response.

Goodluck Jonathan
President, Nigeria

P.S. Please be aware that if you receive such letters from other troubled heads of state they may be scams aimed at prying your nation’s monies away from you.

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Ohio Officials Thank Libyan Rebels For Putting Down Libyan Mad Dog

ZANESVILLE – An Ohio sheriff said has issued his “sincerest thanks” to Libya’s National Transitional Council for putting down the last of the wild animals to escape from a private zoo.

The Libyan mad dog (canis lupis rabiosi) is a non-domesticated form of canine native to the North African country and notorious for irrational violence, unintelligible communication patterns and a distinctive jheri curl-like coat.

Libyan officials described the escaped wild animals as “extremely dangerous”, advising residents to stay indoors “or call your nearest NATO representative” if spotted.

Finally got them all

Speaking at a press conference, Sheriff Matt Lutz confirmed “we have now accounted for all animals to escape the zoo during the week,” before thanking the rebels for assisting with the unfortunate termination of all animals released.

Libyan rebel chief Mahmoud Jibril promised to return the body to Ohio state in the morning for proper disposal – It is still not known how one of the escaped animals managed to travel as far as North Africa.

Despite praise from the sheriff’s department, the rebels have come under harsh criticism from animal rights group PETA, who slammed them for not making greater efforts to bring the escaped animal alive.

“We understand these animals are wild and dangerous,” said a spokesperson.  “The mad dog is especially troublesome and a public danger, but we just believe the rebels could have made greater strides to subdue it by non-lethal means like tranquilizers or UN sanction.”

‘Had to end this way’

US nature host Jack Hanna said the death was especially tragic as it was the only one left in the wild, but did agree rebel forces “probably did the right thing.”

“Of course it’s always best to see dangerous animals returned safely to the facility.  But once it goes this long without capture, the animal can become feral and there’s usually really only one way these things end.”

He later added: “Dems the breaks.”

The shooting brings the final death toll to 18 Bengal tigers, 20 lions, 1 wolf, 6 black bears, 2 grizzly bears, 1 baboon and 1 mad dog.

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Gaddafi Audio Message: “I’m Still Mayor On Foursquare”

UNDISCLOSED – Libya’s former leader Mouammar Gaddafi has released a defiant audio message warning rebel forces that while he appears to have lost his grip on his regime, he is still Mayor of Tripoli on Foursquare.

Despite a dramatic wave of revolutions leading to a rejection of his 42-year autocratic rule, Colonel Gaddafi boasted that he could still get bigger discounts than National Transitional Council forces currently occupying the area.

Gaddafi spoke in an audio message broadcast on YouTube to remind viewers of his superiority within the location-based social network.

‘I still run this town’

Although he still held control of Tripoli and several other key locations on Foursquare, this was a decline from his previous status of “Super Mayor” which he held prior to February.

The ousted despot is believed to be hiding somewhere in Libya, having rejected claims of fleeing the country, sources believe he remains reluctant to leave without taking full advantage of the discounts offered by his mayor status.

This comes as a result of checking into Tripoli more time than anyone over the past three years, enabling him to receive 20% discount on coffee and muffins every Wednesday.

Was unrepentant as he vowed to maintain his iron-clad grip on the mayorship.  “What is happening in Libya is a charade.  They may have occupied my palace and my home town, but they can’t get two for one off any lunchtime pizza,” said a belligerent Gaddafi.

Maintain power

However, anti-Gaddafi forces say they have begun checking into Tripoli on a daily basis and have already received the “Party Crasher” badge.

Analysts also believed that it was just a matter of time before rebels register enough check-ins to relieve Gaddafi of his mayor status, or an entirely new service caused people lost interest in the current one.

Rebel leader Hisham Buhagiar said he and his men would remain patient and in the meantime were happy to keep paying full price for lattes and baked goods.

“We have been checking in everyday since we installed the app,” Buhagiar confirmed.  “We officially received the ‘It’s a Revolution!’ badge only yesterday.  Gaddafi’s days of being mayor here are numbered.”

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Ashton Kutcher ‘To Replace Colonel Gaddafi In Libya’

LIBYA – Multiple reports out of Tripoli have indicated that former Punk’d star Ashton Kutcher is in ‘late stage’ talks to replace Colonel Gaddafi as leader of Libya.

Recent events appear to have put an end to the Libyan ruler’s multi-decade run as the firebrand, but lovable dictator.  This after a NATO backed rebel uprising have left him “seriously considering other career options,” according to reports.

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Arsene Wenger Adamant Colonel Gaddafi “Doing Just Fine”

LONDON – Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has come out in support of Muammar Gaddafi, insisting that talk of crisis in Libya was ‘premature’.

In a defiant press conference, the 61-year-old questioned whether the Libyan dictator was really under pressure, declaring the recent assault on the capital by a jubilant NATO backed revel army as a temporary problem that was still very salvageable.

The Arsenal man also indicated he was looking forward to wining silverware in the new Premier League campaign.

‘He can still save this’

NATO air strikes have been targeting Colonel Gaddafi’s forces for six months, but Wenger refused to admit things were as bad as they looked and could see no good reason reason for Gaddafi to quit his post.

He also advised Colonel Gaddafi to ignore the critics and continue his strategy of issuing rambling messages of defiance in spite of the reality surrounding him as “it has worked for the past 42 years so why change?”

When asked whether he thought the seizure of Gaddafi’s compound, the capture and defection of his former allies, and an international army hunting him down would have an effect on his ability to stay in power, Wenger was clear:

“Maybe, maybe not.  We will have to wait and see. People tell me he is under pressure, but I don’t see it.”

‘Everything is fine’

Recent images have shown rebels sweeping into Tripoli during the weekend, and by Tuesday had overrun Colonel Gaddafi’s compound.

“I saw the television pictures of rebels looting the compound…but this does not mean all is lost,” said the Arsenal boss.

The Frenchman was confident that with a little more time, the Libyan dictator would be able to re-establish his previous dominance over the country:

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” said Wenger.  “Gaddafi is close to turning a corner in Libya.  This is very clear to me.”

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Africa To Send Peacekeeping Force To England

RWANDA- After widespread rioting in England this week, the African Union has confirmed it will send peacekeeping troops to prevent “these mindless savages” from descending again into violence.

Reports from the African Union’s Peace and Security Council indicate up to 3000 troops will be deployed to aid peacekeeping and humanitarians efforts in the strife affected regions.

AU chair person Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo said that many of the member countries have pledged to take an indefinite break from conducting their own civil wars to aid “those that could really use our help right now.”

Adult supervision

The ruler of Equatorial Guinea made clear that “our mandate is to ensure these terrible scenes are never witnessed again,” after admitting he could only shake his head in disgust during the worst of the violence.

He later added: “We cannot not sit back and watch these once proud people acting like they have no mothers.”

The AU insist they will only pull out of England when its mandate expires “or when these people learned some basic human decency,” whichever came first.

Nguema Mbasogo said with the troubled environment many looters lived in, it was no surprise it had come to this.

The poor conditions were evidenced by use of Blackberry devices, as any self-respecting people would have used an iPhone or Android based mobile device to coordinate their actions.

“We can understand the rage born from years of having to pay for things that cost money.  But there are other ways to get around this kind of oppression…interest free payment plans and 0% balance transfers for instance.”

As well as the military intervention, they would also launch a fundraiser to raise basic necessities for local children so they wouldn’t have to resort to desperate measures like throwing a brick throw a window and grabbing what they could.

‘We will do all we can’

Nguema Mbasogo reminded potential donors that just 54,461 Guinea Francs a month would be enough to ensure a British child did not have to go to sleep without a 50 inch plasma TV.

With forces to be deployed imminently, some have admitted to being worried by the prospect of moving into such a volatile environment but would take the risk to help those in need.

“I blame the parents really,” said one troop member Mamadou Mbaye, though he refused to hold that against them and assured England that “Africa is here for you.”

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