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Lee Nelson Throws Money At Sepp Blatter, Awarded 2026 World Cup


ZURICH – Lee Nelson has been awarded the 2026 World Cup moments after throwing banknotes over FIFA President Sepp Blatter during a press conference.

The fictitious character illegally gained entry to the FIFA headquarters in Zurich and showered a seated Blatter with substantial amounts of cash.

Sepp Blatter’s decision to award Nelson the 2026 World Cup is said to have been made “before the last note hit the floor”.

Credible candidate

The press conference was delayed by 10 minutes while FIFA officials scooped up the money and counted it before ratifying the decision to appoint Nelson as World Cup host.

Lee Nelson is a surprise winner of host duties as he was not considered a candidate until throwing money at Sepp Blatter.

Many have credited the move to launch money directly at Blatter’s person as the “tipping point” in the bidding process.

The comedic character has beaten the challenge of strong bids from USA, Uruguay plus a joint bid from two briefcases packed with small unmarked bills.

Lee Nelson will become the first comedic personality to host the 32 team competition. Blatter said he was confident Nelson would deliver a “fantastic World Cup experience” despite not being an internationally recognised country.

While other bids “could point to meticulous planning over many years to build presentations demonstrating their ability to run a world-class sporting tournament,” observers admitted Lee Nelson “ultimately had a better understanding of the audience he was pitching to.”

Due diligence

The still FIFA president praised the fictional character for the “strength of his bid”. Blatter expressed his desire to see football’s greatest showcase held in the “new home of football, the actual home of Mr Nelson.”

However, the decision has come under fire by those within the sport. Chief among concerns is whether Nelson’s two bedroom semi-detached home with north facing garden could accommodate 22 players and expected crowds of 50 to 60 thousand.

FIFA say they have already begun negotiations with the Hamiltons in number 37 and the Guptas in 41 to expand capacity by using neighbouring gardens.

“Of course there will be challenges,” admitted Blatter, addressing criticisms over limited capacity at the single venue. “But we can make this work.”

He went on to add: “nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred…one million.”

“We will make it work. For the good of football.”

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Nick Clegg Calls For 2015 Election Debate To Be Held In 2010


UNITED KINGDOM – Nick Clegg has called for next month’s General Election debate to be rescheduled to April 2010, when he had a chance of being Prime Minister.

The Liberal Democrat leader said he was “more than ready” to take on rival party leaders ahead of the 2015 election, as long as the seven-way debate took place five years in the past.

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Nigel Farage: “Some Of My Best Friends Are Dirty Immigrants”


UNITED KINGDOM – Nigel Farage has hit out against accusations that he is racist by suggesting some of his best friends are dirty immigrants who are ruining Britain and need to be stopped at any cost.

Mr Farage claimed the perception of him in the media “is all wrong”, insisting he really has no problem spending time with “people that should be sent back to the God forsaken land they came from immediately.”

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Oxford Street Terror Attack Foiled Due To Planned Engineering Works


LONDON – Al-Shabaab’s planned terror attack on major London shopping areas has been disrupted due to planned engineering work on the underground this weekend.

The Somali terror group had planned to hit Oxford Street, but were not aware the Victoria line was down and Central Line trains would be severely delayed after signal failures at Oxford Circus.

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Human Remains “Men Who Forgot Valentine’s Day” Say Crossrail


UNITED KINGDOM – New Crossrail-led research has identified a burial site containing the bones of over 5000 men who completely forgot it was Valentine’s Day today.

Known as Bedlam burial ground, the site is being investigated in preparation for the Crossrail station complex at Liverpool Street.

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Say Something ‘Bout Mama And “Get Got” Warns Pope Francis


PHILIPPINES – Pope Francis has issued a strong public warning, suggesting in no uncertain terms that anyone who cursed his mother could “get got”.

His comments followed the fatal attack on satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo in Paris and comes just days after the pontiff banned all “yo mama” jokes within the Catholic church.

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High Speed Rail Plans Will See Government Fly Britons To Japan


BRITAIN – The British government has revealed plans to provide commuters with access to high speed rail will involve flying them to Japan to use the trains in that country.

Ministers announced the next stage of the HS2 project would rely heavily on taking passengers to their nearest major airport and providing subsidised airline tickets for “full and unfettered” use of a state of the art railway system the moment their plane lands.

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North Korea Switch To Virgin Media After Internet Blackout


PYONGYANG – North Korea have confirmed the full restoration of internet services after the country switched to a Virgin Media broadband package.

The move followed an unprecedented series of internet outages and generally “shoddy service” with EE Unlimited Home Broadband.

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Search And Rescue Teams To Call Off Hunt For Missing Lib Dems


SCOTLAND YARD – Specialist search and rescue teams have abandoned the search for Liberal Democrats reported missing after devastating election results swept over the party.

Two aircraft and over a dozen political advisers had been brought in to survey the wreckage of council and European elections, but have decided to end the search having failed to find even a trace of liberal policies remaining.

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Nigel Farage Blasts Immigrant Policy As Saharan Dust Settles In UK


UNITED KINGDOM – Nigel Farage has demanded a tougher immigration policy after large amounts of dust were allowed to migrate from Africa and settle in the UK this week.

The UK Independence Party leader said the coalition’s “soft” immigration policy had opened the door for Saharan dust to enter the UK “without any stringent checks”.

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