Archive | Not USA

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Oxford Street Terror Attack Foiled Due To Planned Engineering Works

LONDON – Al-Shabaab’s planned terror attack on major London shopping areas has been disrupted due to planned engineering work on the underground this weekend.

The Somali terror group had planned to hit Oxford Street, but were not aware the Victoria line was down and Central Line trains would be severely delayed after signal failures at Oxford Circus.

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Human Remains “Men Who Forgot Valentine’s Day” Say Crossrail

UNITED KINGDOM – New Crossrail-led research has identified a burial site containing the bones of over 5000 men who completely forgot it was Valentine’s Day today.

Known as Bedlam burial ground, the site is being investigated in preparation for the Crossrail station complex at Liverpool Street.

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Say Something ‘Bout Mama And “Get Got” Warns Pope Francis

PHILIPPINES – Pope Francis has issued a strong public warning, suggesting in no uncertain terms that anyone who cursed his mother could “get got”.

His comments followed the fatal attack on satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo in Paris and comes just days after the pontiff banned all “yo mama” jokes within the Catholic church.

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High Speed Rail Plans Will See Government Fly Britons To Japan

BRITAIN – The British government has revealed plans to provide commuters with access to high speed rail will involve flying them to Japan to use the trains in that country.

Ministers announced the next stage of the HS2 project would rely heavily on taking passengers to their nearest major airport and providing subsidised airline tickets for “full and unfettered” use of a state of the art railway system the moment their plane lands.

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North Korea Switch To Virgin Media After Internet Blackout

PYONGYANG – North Korea have confirmed the full restoration of internet services after the country switched to a Virgin Media broadband package.

The move followed an unprecedented series of internet outages and generally “shoddy service” with EE Unlimited Home Broadband.

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Search And Rescue Teams To Call Off Hunt For Missing Lib Dems

SCOTLAND YARD – Specialist search and rescue teams have abandoned the search for Liberal Democrats reported missing after devastating election results swept over the party.

Two aircraft and over a dozen political advisers had been brought in to survey the wreckage of council and European elections, but have decided to end the search having failed to find even a trace of liberal policies remaining.

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Nigel Farage Blasts Immigrant Policy As Saharan Dust Settles In UK

UNITED KINGDOM – Nigel Farage has demanded a tougher immigration policy after large amounts of dust were allowed to migrate from Africa and settle in the UK this week.

The UK Independence Party leader said the coalition’s “soft” immigration policy had opened the door for Saharan dust to enter the UK “without any stringent checks”.

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Two Little Pigs “Devastated” After Strong Winds Destroy Homes

ENGLAND – Following severe overnight storms, two of the three little pigs have been left homeless as gale force winds left their homes in “complete and utter” ruins.

Both pigs remain in a state of shock having awoken to the “total devastation” of their houses blown down around them.

Elsewhere, Little Red Riding Hood remains in a critical condition after being hit by a fallen tree in the woods.

Serious damage

It’s understood the structure, made from straw and sticks, had given a unique decorative appeal but offered little defence in the face of 80 mph winds.

The incident will no doubt push insurance premiums through what was left of the roof after the most severe storm winds in years.

Authorities say it was a miracle no one was seriously injured.

“It all happened so fast,” said one little pigs whose straw house is said to have collapsed shortly after 2am.

“I was having a great dream.  Me and Miss Piggy rolling around a huge mud field…and the next thing I know I’m surrounded by firewood.”

“I ran to over to my brother’s house made from sticks and it was just as bad.  We should have never cut corners on building materials.”

Rescuers were working throughout the night to save both pigs from the debris.

Officers on the scene report one of the pigs needed to be pulled out of the rubble by the hairs on his chinny chin chin.

Recovery efforts

As the salvage operation gets under way, the two victims said their main concern was now about basic necessities such as shelter, water and swill.

However, The Big Bad Wolf said the two pigs had only themselves to blame and had failed to learn the lessons the first time around.

“I’ve huffed and puffed both their houses down once already so you think they would have taken some extra precautions, jeez.”

Both pigs would stay at their brother’s brick house which survived the high winds.

One of the pigs said the worst part of the entire ordeal would be the smug looks they were sure to receive.

“Having your home destroyed is one thing, but now we gotta hear this smug bastard talk about ‘the comparative merits of bricks’ and say ‘I told you so’ all night.”

“I wish that storm had killed me.”

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Geneva Deal To Grant Nick Clegg Safe Passage Out Of Coalition

SWITZERLAND – A preliminary deal has been reached that could see Nick Clegg granted safe passage out of the Coalition government back to Liberal Democrat obscurity.

A framework is currently in place in which Nick Clegg would be freed from his powerless position as Deputy Prime Minister, escaping further ridicule and embarrassment, before the 2015 General Election.

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Kim Jong-Un Executes Uncle “To Reduce Hassle Of Christmas Shopping”

PYONGYANG – Kim Jong-Un has explained his decision to execute his uncle came after struggling to find a suitable Christmas gift for the “difficult” former regime advisor.

Reports within the country suggest the North Korean leader had begun the search for a gift before deciding it was less hassle to execute his uncle and move on to the remaining members of his family.

Jang Song-thaek was accused of returning up to four Christmas gifts given to him under previous regimes.

Tis the season

It’s understood the once powerful uncle was notoriously difficult to shop for and rumours had begun circulating that he would be removed from this year’s Christmas list.

Kim Jong-Un was confident holiday shopping would now be “much much” easier, though he was forced to admit the family Christmas dinner might be awkward.

North Korean state television described Mr Jang as “despicable human scum” and a “total ball ache to shop for”.

In lengthy article foaming with outraged rhetoric, North Korea’s official news agency accused Jang Song-thaek of plotting to return his Christmas gifts as early as November.

Mr Jang admitted his crimes in court and a death sentence was “immediately executed”.

The report said: “Jang Song-thaek dreamed such a foolish dream of receiving the perfect Christmas gift despite failing to give so much as a hint as to what kind of stuff he’s into.”

“He is then disappointed on Christmas Day and more often than not has the nerve to ask if you kept the receipt.”

“How are you supposed to shop for someone like that?”

Christmas shopping made easy

North Korean experts said the brutal move was a clear sign that there would be no backsies this festive season.

This after state media detailed previous presents that had been returned or gone unused by Song-thaek including a handmade “World’s Best Uncle” mug given to him by and eight-year-old Kim Jung-Un.

Now 30, the young dictator recalled “spending a whole weekend with mom making that mug and uncle never drank from it once.  What the hell dude?!”

The ruthless disposal of Mr Jang would have serious implications beyond Christmas according to one analyst, with birthdays and other gift giving seasons now under more scrutiny.

“I think what he’s telling people – family members and military personnel alike – is that when you receive your gift you need to be grateful.”

“Or there will be grave repercussions.”

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