Archive | Not USA

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Nick Clegg Calls For 2015 Election Debate To Be Held In 2010

UNITED KINGDOM – Nick Clegg has called for next month’s General Election debate to be rescheduled to April 2010, when he had a chance of being Prime Minister.

The Liberal Democrat leader said he was “more than ready” to take on rival party leaders ahead of the 2015 election, as long as the seven-way debate took place five years in the past.

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Nigel Farage: “Some Of My Best Friends Are Dirty Immigrants”

UNITED KINGDOM – Nigel Farage has hit out against accusations that he is racist by suggesting some of his best friends are dirty immigrants who are ruining Britain and need to be stopped at any cost.

Mr Farage claimed the perception of him in the media “is all wrong”, insisting he really has no problem spending time with “people that should be sent back to the God forsaken land they came from immediately.”

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Oxford Street Terror Attack Foiled Due To Planned Engineering Works

LONDON – Al-Shabaab’s planned terror attack on major London shopping areas has been disrupted due to planned engineering work on the underground this weekend.

The Somali terror group had planned to hit Oxford Street, but were not aware the Victoria line was down and Central Line trains would be severely delayed after signal failures at Oxford Circus.

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Human Remains “Men Who Forgot Valentine’s Day” Say Crossrail

UNITED KINGDOM – New Crossrail-led research has identified a burial site containing the bones of over 5000 men who completely forgot it was Valentine’s Day today.

Known as Bedlam burial ground, the site is being investigated in preparation for the Crossrail station complex at Liverpool Street.

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Say Something ‘Bout Mama And “Get Got” Warns Pope Francis

PHILIPPINES – Pope Francis has issued a strong public warning, suggesting in no uncertain terms that anyone who cursed his mother could “get got”.

His comments followed the fatal attack on satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo in Paris and comes just days after the pontiff banned all “yo mama” jokes within the Catholic church.

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High Speed Rail Plans Will See Government Fly Britons To Japan

BRITAIN – The British government has revealed plans to provide commuters with access to high speed rail will involve flying them to Japan to use the trains in that country.

Ministers announced the next stage of the HS2 project would rely heavily on taking passengers to their nearest major airport and providing subsidised airline tickets for “full and unfettered” use of a state of the art railway system the moment their plane lands.

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North Korea Switch To Virgin Media After Internet Blackout

PYONGYANG – North Korea have confirmed the full restoration of internet services after the country switched to a Virgin Media broadband package.

The move followed an unprecedented series of internet outages and generally “shoddy service” with EE Unlimited Home Broadband.

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Search And Rescue Teams To Call Off Hunt For Missing Lib Dems

SCOTLAND YARD – Specialist search and rescue teams have abandoned the search for Liberal Democrats reported missing after devastating election results swept over the party.

Two aircraft and over a dozen political advisers had been brought in to survey the wreckage of council and European elections, but have decided to end the search having failed to find even a trace of liberal policies remaining.

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Nigel Farage Blasts Immigrant Policy As Saharan Dust Settles In UK

UNITED KINGDOM – Nigel Farage has demanded a tougher immigration policy after large amounts of dust were allowed to migrate from Africa and settle in the UK this week.

The UK Independence Party leader said the coalition’s “soft” immigration policy had opened the door for Saharan dust to enter the UK “without any stringent checks”.

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Two Little Pigs “Devastated” After Strong Winds Destroy Homes

ENGLAND – Following severe overnight storms, two of the three little pigs have been left homeless as gale force winds left their homes in “complete and utter” ruins.

Both pigs remain in a state of shock having awoken to the “total devastation” of their houses blown down around them.

Elsewhere, Little Red Riding Hood remains in a critical condition after being hit by a fallen tree in the woods.

Serious damage

It’s understood the structure, made from straw and sticks, had given a unique decorative appeal but offered little defence in the face of 80 mph winds.

The incident will no doubt push insurance premiums through what was left of the roof after the most severe storm winds in years.

Authorities say it was a miracle no one was seriously injured.

“It all happened so fast,” said one little pigs whose straw house is said to have collapsed shortly after 2am.

“I was having a great dream.  Me and Miss Piggy rolling around a huge mud field…and the next thing I know I’m surrounded by firewood.”

“I ran to over to my brother’s house made from sticks and it was just as bad.  We should have never cut corners on building materials.”

Rescuers were working throughout the night to save both pigs from the debris.

Officers on the scene report one of the pigs needed to be pulled out of the rubble by the hairs on his chinny chin chin.

Recovery efforts

As the salvage operation gets under way, the two victims said their main concern was now about basic necessities such as shelter, water and swill.

However, The Big Bad Wolf said the two pigs had only themselves to blame and had failed to learn the lessons the first time around.

“I’ve huffed and puffed both their houses down once already so you think they would have taken some extra precautions, jeez.”

Both pigs would stay at their brother’s brick house which survived the high winds.

One of the pigs said the worst part of the entire ordeal would be the smug looks they were sure to receive.

“Having your home destroyed is one thing, but now we gotta hear this smug bastard talk about ‘the comparative merits of bricks’ and say ‘I told you so’ all night.”

“I wish that storm had killed me.”

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