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Search And Rescue Teams To Call Off Hunt For Missing Lib Dems

SCOTLAND YARD – Specialist search and rescue teams have abandoned the search for Liberal Democrats reported missing after devastating election results swept over the party.

Two aircraft and over a dozen political advisers had been brought in to survey the wreckage of council and European elections, but have decided to end the search having failed to find even a trace of liberal policies remaining.

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Nigel Farage Blasts Immigrant Policy As Saharan Dust Settles In UK

UNITED KINGDOM – Nigel Farage has demanded a tougher immigration policy after large amounts of dust were allowed to migrate from Africa and settle in the UK this week.

The UK Independence Party leader said the coalition’s “soft” immigration policy had opened the door for Saharan dust to enter the UK “without any stringent checks”.

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Two Little Pigs “Devastated” After Strong Winds Destroy Homes

ENGLAND – Following severe overnight storms, two of the three little pigs have been left homeless as gale force winds left their homes in “complete and utter” ruins.

Both pigs remain in a state of shock having awoken to the “total devastation” of their houses blown down around them.

Elsewhere, Little Red Riding Hood remains in a critical condition after being hit by a fallen tree in the woods.

Serious damage

It’s understood the structure, made from straw and sticks, had given a unique decorative appeal but offered little defence in the face of 80 mph winds.

The incident will no doubt push insurance premiums through what was left of the roof after the most severe storm winds in years.

Authorities say it was a miracle no one was seriously injured.

“It all happened so fast,” said one little pigs whose straw house is said to have collapsed shortly after 2am.

“I was having a great dream.  Me and Miss Piggy rolling around a huge mud field…and the next thing I know I’m surrounded by firewood.”

“I ran to over to my brother’s house made from sticks and it was just as bad.  We should have never cut corners on building materials.”

Rescuers were working throughout the night to save both pigs from the debris.

Officers on the scene report one of the pigs needed to be pulled out of the rubble by the hairs on his chinny chin chin.

Recovery efforts

As the salvage operation gets under way, the two victims said their main concern was now about basic necessities such as shelter, water and swill.

However, The Big Bad Wolf said the two pigs had only themselves to blame and had failed to learn the lessons the first time around.

“I’ve huffed and puffed both their houses down once already so you think they would have taken some extra precautions, jeez.”

Both pigs would stay at their brother’s brick house which survived the high winds.

One of the pigs said the worst part of the entire ordeal would be the smug looks they were sure to receive.

“Having your home destroyed is one thing, but now we gotta hear this smug bastard talk about ‘the comparative merits of bricks’ and say ‘I told you so’ all night.”

“I wish that storm had killed me.”

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Geneva Deal To Grant Nick Clegg Safe Passage Out Of Coalition

SWITZERLAND – A preliminary deal has been reached that could see Nick Clegg granted safe passage out of the Coalition government back to Liberal Democrat obscurity.

A framework is currently in place in which Nick Clegg would be freed from his powerless position as Deputy Prime Minister, escaping further ridicule and embarrassment, before the 2015 General Election.

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Kim Jong-Un Executes Uncle “To Reduce Hassle Of Christmas Shopping”

PYONGYANG – Kim Jong-Un has explained his decision to execute his uncle came after struggling to find a suitable Christmas gift for the “difficult” former regime advisor.

Reports within the country suggest the North Korean leader had begun the search for a gift before deciding it was less hassle to execute his uncle and move on to the remaining members of his family.

Jang Song-thaek was accused of returning up to four Christmas gifts given to him under previous regimes.

Tis the season

It’s understood the once powerful uncle was notoriously difficult to shop for and rumours had begun circulating that he would be removed from this year’s Christmas list.

Kim Jong-Un was confident holiday shopping would now be “much much” easier, though he was forced to admit the family Christmas dinner might be awkward.

North Korean state television described Mr Jang as “despicable human scum” and a “total ball ache to shop for”.

In lengthy article foaming with outraged rhetoric, North Korea’s official news agency accused Jang Song-thaek of plotting to return his Christmas gifts as early as November.

Mr Jang admitted his crimes in court and a death sentence was “immediately executed”.

The report said: “Jang Song-thaek dreamed such a foolish dream of receiving the perfect Christmas gift despite failing to give so much as a hint as to what kind of stuff he’s into.”

“He is then disappointed on Christmas Day and more often than not has the nerve to ask if you kept the receipt.”

“How are you supposed to shop for someone like that?”

Christmas shopping made easy

North Korean experts said the brutal move was a clear sign that there would be no backsies this festive season.

This after state media detailed previous presents that had been returned or gone unused by Song-thaek including a handmade “World’s Best Uncle” mug given to him by and eight-year-old Kim Jung-Un.

Now 30, the young dictator recalled “spending a whole weekend with mom making that mug and uncle never drank from it once.  What the hell dude?!”

The ruthless disposal of Mr Jang would have serious implications beyond Christmas according to one analyst, with birthdays and other gift giving seasons now under more scrutiny.

“I think what he’s telling people – family members and military personnel alike – is that when you receive your gift you need to be grateful.”

“Or there will be grave repercussions.”

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Npower To Honour Nelson Mandela By Increasing Prices Another 2.7%

UNITED KINGDOM – Energy supplier Npower has announced it will raise its energy prices a further 2.7% to mark the memory of Nelson Mandela time in prison.

The company already increased prices by 10.4% this year, in honour of the company’s favourite number 10.4, but said it couldn’t miss the opportunity to pay their respects to the great leader and visionary.

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David Moyes To Undergo Medical After Suggesting Man Utd Still In Title Race

MANCHESTER – Manchester United have ordered David Moyes to undergo an “urgent” medical after he claimed his team were still in the title race with a straight face.

His response in the wake of two straight home defeats have called into question his state of mind, prompting the need for an extensive psychiatric evaluation.

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Giant Pandas To Raise Funds For Endangered High Street Shops

UNITED KINGDOM – The world’s population of Giant Pandas have gathered to raise funds in a last-ditch bid to save the endangered high street retailer.

The move has come following news both Barratts and Blockbuster have fallen into administration – the fall in numbers has now pushed the high street shop onto the endangered species list.

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Assad Promises To Stick With Conventional Methods Of Mass Murder

SYRIA – After destroying its chemical weapons production capability, the Syrian regime has promised it will stick to regular methods of killing its own people in future.

President Obama had issued a final ultimatum to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad earlier this year, urging him to stick to non-chemically enhanced methods of indiscriminate massacre.

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Definition Of “Shadenfreude” Updated After Brooks Coulson Affair

UNITED KINGDOM – The dictionary definition of “schadenfreude” will be updated after juicy details of two former News of the World editors’ private lives were splashed across tabloid newspapers.

Revelations of an ongoing affair between Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson that occurred as the two illegally uncovering details of other people’s private lives to further their own careers immediately caught the attention of dictionary officials.

The updated definition will go into the next version of the Oxford English Dictionary alongside updated definitions for “irony” and “comeuppance”.

What goes around

The news comes on a wave of public support from the public who took pleasure in hearing all the scandalous ins and outs including a love letter from Brooks to Coulson which was read out loud.

The details of the six year affair were heard in a court hearing in which prosecutor Andrew Edis QC told jurors he was not revealing the affair to deliberately intrude into the pair’s privacy but that it was a pleasant by-product of the legal process.

Officials at the dictionary said the entire situation captured the meaning of “schadenfreude” so well that an update to its definition was more than justified.

The digital edition of the dictionary would include a paparazzi photo of the pair hurriedly exiting the courtroom into a tinted car.

New meaning

The OED is the first publication to make the change, but given the pure elation felt at seeing the two former editors receive their just deserts, the Merriam-Webster and Collins dictionaries are likely to follow with similar updates in the near future.

“The Oxford English Dictionary is a proud institution and steward of the English language.  We don’t take matters of this nature lightly,” said Oxford University Press editor Michael Proffitt.

For these two in particular, “the fact that they were in this relationship, which was a secret, and the fact that secret is now very public, which is highly enjoyable, that’s why we’re changing the definition.”

“I mean, it’s perfect schadenfreude.”

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