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Google Confirm “Yes, Our Robots Will Eventually Destroy Humanity”

SILICON VALLEY – After its purchase of a military grade robotics company, Google have confirmed that yes, they are trying to start a robot apocalypse that will kill us all.

The company first announced its intention in a year-end investor conference call.  CEO Larry Page reported increased third quarter profits before outlining Google’s plans to “kick off the downfall of humanity with these intimidating and formidable robots.”

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Voyager 1 Finds Traces Of Kanye West On Planet “Far Far Away”

WASHINGTON D.C – The Voyager 1 spacecraft has uncovered trace amounts of Kanye West in interstellar space on a planet light years away.

According to scientists at NASA’s jet propulsion laboratory, Voyager’s instruments show it has moved beyond the bubble of hot gas from our solar system’s sun and into the hot gas emitted from the rapper-turned-walking ego Kanye West.

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Fox News Thrilled That People Still Can’t Sign Up For Health Care

NEW YORK – Employees at Fox News are said to be thrilled at new figures showing record numbers of people are still failing to sign up for Obamacare.

The news network has gleefully reporting the failures of the website which is leaving millions confused and still without adequate health care coverage.

The roll out has been such a positive experience for conservative pundits that Fox News hosts now admit that Barack Obama was born in America.

‘We’re still pinching ourselves’

A month into President Obama’s signature act of legislation, millions of Americans are still unable to sign up online due to system crashes and confusing message.

The mood inside Fox News has been described as “ecstatic” as the problematic launch of the affordable care act ensured the dream of poor people going without health care was kept alive.

The only negative came when a fight broke out between Fox News’ Neil Cavuto and Bret Baier over who would be the first to break the latest news of millions more people left uninsured by the systematic failure of the health care website to perform the one thing it was designed to do.

“I’m not the only one who thought this website was going to be bad news for us,” admitted The Kelly File host and part-time Elisabeth Hasselbeck stunt double Megyn Kelly.

“But it’s been fantastic, everyone is sooo happy lately.  I’ve never seen Sean Hannity smile so much.”

Kelly even confessed that her colleagues visited the website just to see the website crash when trying to sign up for health care, adding: “logging in to see that 404 error is becoming a ritual around here.”

Wonderful news

Speaking from the backstage area, anchor Gretchen Carlson said: “I’m just getting ready to report that even more people tried and failed to get health care since this morning.”

“It’s a really great day to be alive,” she beamed before breaking out into a high-pitched cackle for the next 13 and a half minutes.

The issues surrounding health care have lead to changing attitudes towards the administration with Fox and Friends’ Steve Doocy telling co-host Brian Kilmeade that he was now excited to see the president implement comprehensive immigration reform “as soon as humanly possible”.

“If it’s anything like health care there won’t be a single Mexican in the country with 18 months,” predicted Doocy who later admitted he’s had a full erection ever since he heard about the latest failure of the website.

Host Sean Hannity expertly summarised the mood in at Fox News by saying: “As a conservative pundit, I could only dream of days like this.”

“This botched roll out of health care is leaving people more confused and misinformed than my show ever could.”

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Apple Unveil New Ultra Thin iPad 2D

CUPERTINO – Apple have released a new model of the iPad tablet which they claim is so thin it only exists in two dimensions of space.

The newly named iPad 2D features a design reminiscent of a basic polygon shape and features a smaller bezel which shrinks the footprint of the tablet down to just the x and y axis.

“Meet the new iPad,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook before accidentally giving himself a paper cut as he grabbed the new iPad 2D.

‘Thinnest yet’

This is the thinnest revision of Apple’s market leading tablet and only fractionally thicker them the picture of the iPad on the packaging.

Speaking to a captivated audiences, Cook said the device was 1000% thinner and could not be seen when laid on a flat surface and would be available from just $499.

Tablet manufacturers have fought to compete with the computing giant but have again been left behind by Apple who have manage to completely remove the third dimension from their tablet.

Cook dismissed the growing threat from rivals, saying: “Everyone seems to making a tablet, but we believe they are unnecessarily using an extra dimension not required in today’s new world of post three-dimensional computing.”

Amazon and Google have already announced small tablets, but those will not be considered bulky and unwieldy.  Indeed, many current gen iPad owners now consider their 9mm thick device as “a little bit bulky”.

In response, Samsung are reportedly working on out doing Apple by releasing a device that only exists in one point in space.

Faster lighter thinner

Earlier his month analysts warned there was a risk Apple would be unable to deliver new devices in time for the holidays but Cook confirmed the lack of third dimension allowed production to be completed in record time.

“It was only a matter of time before Apple engineers figured out how to get all that tech into a virtually flat plane,” said tech analyst Stephen Smith.

“Every year the iPad gets thinner so it makes sense to do away with depth altogether.”

When asked if the devices thinness could cause a problem in everyday use, one Apple fan responded:

“I’ll only put a cover on it anyway.”

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Apple To Launch New iPhone With Pre Cracked Screen

CALIFORNIA – Apple have confirmed it will follow up with a new version of the iPhone that has the screen already broken and cracked beyond repair.

The announcement was made at a press conference where Apple chief executive Tim Cook said that “the way our customers use their phones undoubtedly tells us that what they want is a version of the iPhone with the screen all smashed up” before declaring: “and here it is.”

The new iPhone will contain a reinforced steel casing, have a brushed aluminium back and a host of unseemly shatter marks across the face of the phone.

‘Cracked is the new white’

Early reports had suggested the company was facing production problems, in that they were having problem completely smashing enough screens in time for release, but these were quickly refuted by Mr Cook.

Apple will release the new iPhone in two models: single scratch for $199 (£120) and shattered for $299 (£180).

Speaking at the company’s Cupertino headquarters, vice president Phil Schiller said he was confident the new look phone would be welcomed by fans thus far forced to drop their new phones on a hard surface to get the same.

“With the new iPhone, you’ll get that feature right out of the box,” said Schiller who assured “each crack has been lovingly smashed right into the glass surface of every new iPhone.”

If the new model proved popular as expected, the market could see a new iPad sold with glaring scratches across its face and new Macbooks with bullet holes in the screen by the next fiscal year.

Following the launch, Apple reassured owners of older iPhone models that they could take their phone into their nearest Apple store to be upgraded to the latest model.

“We’ve made the upgrade process extremely simple and can be done in a matter of seconds by any trained member of staff with a hammer.”

Pleasing the market

Reading from his new iPhone, tech analyst David Finley reported the company’s stock had gone up by 12 points, “though that could be a 16. There are so many shatter marks I can barely see what’s on the screen – it’s great.”

The new devices were also well received by early adopters in line at Apple’s flagship New York store.

“I just dropped my phone on the driveway and now the screen is damaged beyond repair,” iPhone 5 owner Ben Johnson told reporters.

“So this new iPhone has come just in time.”

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UN Deploy Hawk Eye To Determine Whether Syria Has Crossed the Line

SYRIA – The United Nations has chosen to use Hawk-Eye technology in Syria in order to determine when the Assad regime crosses the line in it’s crackdown on rebel forces.

The British based Hawk Eye – already used in tennis, cricket and football – will now also be deployed in the Middle East to determine the exact moment a Syria crosses the line to within a millisecond of chemical weapons being used.

If successful, the system could be rolled out to future sites of violent crackdowns.

Long overdue

Despite multiple reports of chemical weapons use, the U.S. remain unsure whether the Syrian Government has indeed crossed the line, prompting the use of Hawk Eye in the current conflict.

The UN began exploring the possibility of using similar technology during Darfur and then Secretary General, Kofi Annan, has been a long standing proponent.

“War crimes are fundamentally a simple occurrence in the merciless suppression of civil unrest.  So, when one is committed, and we have the ability through technology to definitively know whether the transgressor crossed the line we should absolutely use it,” he said speak in last week.

However, there has been push back against the use of technologies with some countries fearing the use of Hawk Eye like systems would take the human element out of causing human suffering.

“It is all about those discussions moments after a regime may or may not have used chemical weapons on its own people,” said a Russian delegate.  “Uncertainty is part of the drama, no?”

China have also voiced concerns, suggesting having to check Hawk Eye would “slow down the pace at which a country’s civil war descends into utter and irreversible chaos.”

‘War will remain the same’

UN officials have stressed the technology would only be used to determine whether war crimes had been committed, not lesser atrocities such as the shelling of homes.

Addressing concerns, inventor Paul Hawkins added: “It will not slow a civil war down.  In under a second we will provide the information, then afterwards we will show a replay that will definitively prove whether one side or the other has committed unspeakable crimes against humanity.”

Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon welcomed the introduction of the technology as “momentous” and reminded delegates that when it came to knowing whether a violently oppressive dictatorship hell-bent on crushing any opposition to total rule, “we have to know the moment that dictatorship crosses the line.”

“It’s as simple as that.”

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DNA Confirms Bones Are of Blackberry User Waiting for Better Phone

UNITED KINGDOM – A skeleton found beneath a Leicester car park has been confirmed as a Blackberry customer who waited for RIM to release a better phone.

University of Leicester scientists say the age of the bones match the the last time Blackberry put out a viable product.

It has also been revealed the owner appeared to be in the fetal position when he died.

Longest wait

Scientists confirmed this week that the person exhumed had been unable to let go of the hope RIM would produce a competitive smartphone soon.

Known as “Subject B”, the bones – carbon dated to a pre iPhone era – belong to a man in his late 20s who “very likely” died clutching a Blackberry Curve in one or both hands.

Unfortunately, the device was not recovered having eroded as fast as the RIM’s share value.

The skeleton also showed signs of injuries consistent with those of someone who literally held their breath in anticipation of a good product from RIM.

Lead archaeologist Richard Buckley told a press conference: “Beyond reasonable doubt this is a disappointed Blackberry user.”

He was confident the bones had also been subjected to “rigorous derision and mikey taking”.

“We think the Bold was the death of him,” speculated.

“Or the Storm.  It’s really hard to pinpoint which piece of junk was the one that did it.”

Although the mystery of the bones have been put to rest, many believe the real tragedy is that with so many good options, this death is as pointless as the Blackberry Playbook.

‘It didn’t have to end like this’

Dr Jo Appleby from the university’s School of Archaeology and Ancient History said the analysis of the skeleton proved that “individuals needed to move with the times” or risk finding themselves “in a shallow grave with a lame phone.”

This theory was quickly backed by many at the university including Mr Buckley.

“We believe subject B had surveyed the smartphone market and took the ill-fated decision not to switch to a superior iPhone or Android device.”

“Our theory suggests Subject B extended the contract on his Blackberry Curve in the hopes that a better Blackberry phone would be forthcoming.”

“Something that would match the evolving technological requirements of the time.”

“Tragically, this day hasn’t come soon enough for some.”

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“We Still Don’t See The Link Between Guns and Gun Violence” Say NRA

VIRGINIA – The US National Rifle Association have cautioned the rest of the world for attempting to link gun to gun violence when “we can’t see any connection whatsoever.”

NRA officials said they failed to understand how an incident in which 27 people were tragically gunned down could be related to a frank and honest discussion about the thing the gunman used to carry out the violence.

“We just don’t see how the two are connected.  Is this some kinda riddle or what?”

Head scratcher

NRA president Wayne LaPierre said they first noticed the pattern after mass shooting in Columbine when the murder of 13 people lead to a nationwide discussion on gun control.

“Every time something like this happens people want to bring up gun control.  I’m sorry, we just don’t see what the connection is,” said LaPierre.

“The same thing happened after Virginia Tech and come to think of it, not long after the Aurora shooting too.  What gives?”

According to inside sources, the association is now concerned that talk about guns in the media might prematurely link a sequence of senseless mass shootings with the availability of thing made to shoot people.

“Look, we just don’t want to rush into to any conclusions here,” warned gun advocate and NRA member Buck Riley. “Personally I don’t think anyone could say for sure how much of a role guns played in these incidents, if at all.”

“Who really know what causes anything these days huh?”

He also admitted he has yet to see the Sandy Hook school incident due to shooting out his television in a failed attempt to operate it after losing the remote.

‘Are we missing something?’

As the nation comes to terms with the tragic consequences of one man’s actions, NRA officials said the push to discuss gun violence so close to an incident of gun violence was “not the right time.”

However, in an attempt to appease concerned individuals, LaPierre promised to check the NRA calendar for a date when it would be ok to discuss the issue.

“Maybe next Tuesday.  No wait, we have rifle practise that day.”

“Let’s see here…maybe next Saturday?  No…that’s bring your extra gun to gun club day.”

“Um…We’ll get back to you on that.”

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Government Ditches Web Surveillance Plans, Uses Facebook Instead

UNITED KINGDOM – Relenting to public outcry, Prime Minister David Cameron announced the government will ditch controversial web surveillance plans and just friend people on Facebook instead.

The snooper’s charter was met with fierce criticism due to serious privacy fears, prompting the government to turn to the popular social network to do “pretty much everything we were planning anyway.”

The Home Office hailed the new scheme was vital to “investigate serious crime, terrorism,” and most importantly “knowing when an individual changed their relationship status.”

New plans

Under amended surveillance plans, ministers would friend everyone in Britain to gain the ability to see who a person had been in contact with, what sites a person visited and what the weather was like outside a person’s window at any given moment.

Home Secretary Theresa May earlier confirmed the existing Communications Data Bill would be replaced with Facebook’s privacy policy, admitting there was “no point in reinventing the wheel”.

She said the government wanted to avoid the backlash from concerned Britain’s while still enabling the government to find out every last detail of what you get up to on the internet.

And in direct response to privacy advocates, May suggested worried citizens start using Google+ if they wanted complete and utter privacy.

‘You can trust us’

David Cameron backed the proposals as “crucial to combating a new age of criminal threat that we must be ready to deal with” before leaning over to Nick Clegg and asking how to friend London.

Mr Cameron went on to say: “We acknowledge the criticism of the Communications Data bill but this government remains committed to providing security services with new powers to monitor internet activity.”

“Of course we understand the notion that someone would be keeping a constant watch on all online activity would cross the line into a dark place where the expectation of privacy is a thing of the past.”

He assured the public that “those plans have been halted and we’ll just follow you on Facebook”.

The Prime Minister was confident criminals now had no place to hide from the consequences of their illegal activities, “or their office Christmas do”.

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Attack Submarine Recalled After Targeting George Osborne As National Threat

ENGLAND – The Royal Navy’s £1.2 billion attack submarine has been recalled after mistakenly targeted George Osborne as a threat to the nation following his Autumn Statement.

HMS Astute, which has been plagued with problem in recent years, is thought to have classified the chancellor as an active threat and was moments away from launching an offensive strike.

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