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FIFA Order Luis Suarez To Be Properly Fed Before Matches

BRAZIL – FIFA’s independent disciplinary committee have officially ordered Luis Suarez to eat three square meals a day after biting Giorgio Chiellini.

The incident occurred during Tuesday’s World Cup game with Italy where Suarez attempted to take a bite out of an opposing player, causing football’s governing body to “act fast” and ensure he is “properly fed before entering the field of play”.

Luis Suarez has also been handed £65,000 in Subway vouchers and will undergo mandatory training to learn why cannibalism is bad.

Hunger strikes

The 27-year-old had now been found guilty of biting three opponents in his career, prompting concerns no one was feeding him.

This represent the biggest food related controversy in world football since the 1987 FIFA investigation to determine who ate all the pies.

FIFA were praised for decisive action in the aftermath of the incident having also issued a warning for players to stay as clear of Suarez as the English defence did in São Paulo.

“This is not the first time this kind of biting has occurred and we must now take decisive action,” Claudio Sulser, chairman of the FIFA disciplinary committee, said in a statement.

“While we support players getting the required nutrition to ensure they remain competitive during matches, this organisation does not believe said nutrition should come from the flesh of a fellow player.”

“Even if that player is as annoying as Chiellini.”

Meal ticket

Suarez’s first meal could be at a local Brazilian restaurant before he is flown back to his home club for a Chinese buffet.  He must then “maintain a consistent course of meals throughout the footballing calendar.”

FIFA say it is imperative “the meals contain essential carbohydrates, fats and proteins to ensure the Luis Suarez does not become peckish while on the pitch.”

Immediately following the incident, Uruguay coach Oscar Tabarez blasted accusations Luis Suarez had not been properly fed during his team’s world cup campaign.

Tabarez said he had prepared his famous home-made Lahmacun especially for the players, arguing that if it was “good enough for my family to eat” it was good enough for Luis Suarez.

Liverpool also issued a statement shortly after news of the ruling emerged.  They accepted FIFA’s decision and reiterated the importance of regular meals.

Chief executive Ian Ayre appears to be backing the player however, with reports suggesting he has ordered his staff to fill up at the local Tesco in time for the coming season.

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Russia’s Losing Hockey Team Still Missing After Sochi Games

SOCHI – Latest reports from Sochi suggest the entire Russian hockey team have yet to be seen since their quarter final loss in a game watched by Vladimir Putin.

Many agree the sudden disappearance of so many athletes is worrying news, but such things have been known to happen, especially when “Russians bring shame upon their country” according to Kremlin sources.

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Grief Clinics Set To Stay Open For England World Cup Matches

ENGLAND – David Cameron has overruled the Home Office and ordered a review to ensure that grief clinic opening hours can be extended for England’s World Cup matches.

Tens of millions of fans watched England’s opening game in the 2010 World Cup, making it a highly lucrative event for grief clinics across the country.

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God Struggling To Decide Which Team Deserves Super Bowl Win More

NEW JERSEY – Worrying reports from Heaven suggest that with only a day to go until Super Bowl XLVIII, God has yet to decide which team deserves to win the game.

As the Seattle Seahawks prepare to take on the Denver Broncos, heavenly sources revealed the two teams are so evenly matched He was having trouble picking the winner.

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David Moyes To Undergo Medical After Suggesting Man Utd Still In Title Race

MANCHESTER – Manchester United have ordered David Moyes to undergo an “urgent” medical after he claimed his team were still in the title race with a straight face.

His response in the wake of two straight home defeats have called into question his state of mind, prompting the need for an extensive psychiatric evaluation.

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England To Practise With World Cup Ball Now “As We Won’t See It During Tournament”

ENGLAND – England have made plans to train with the new World Cup Ball after acknowledging they will see very little of it during the competition.

Unveiled this week, the Adidas Brazuca ball could be the most unfamiliar to an England team since they failed to qualify for the 1994 World Cup.

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Djemba-Djemba “Shocked” Not To Be Belittled In Ferguson Book

ENGLAND – Former Manchester United player Eric Djemba-Djemba is said to have been left “shocked” not to be slammed in Sir Alex Ferguson’s new autobiography.

Ferguson’s book was released earlier this month and despite a number of players being singled out for stinging criticism, Djemba-Djemba admitted he was stunned to learn he wasn’t one of them.

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English FA Urge FIFA To Move Qatar 2022 World Cup To 1966

ENGLAND – The FA have called on FIFA to “seriously consider” moving the Qatar World Cup to the summer of 1966.

A spokesman confirmed the organisation’s stance after several countries have voiced their willingness to see the 2022 tournament moved.

There is now growing pressure to move to the sixties amid concerns England won’t win it if it was played at any other time.

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Under 21 Squad “Ready For First Team Failure” Says Pearce

ENGLAND – After three straight defeats at the European Championships, Stuart Pearce has backed his young squad for abject failure at full international level.

Losses to Italy, Norway and Israel saw the England under-21 side crash out of the tournament faster than Theo Walcott after a lost cause, the ideal preparation for the first team according to England fans.

“Flippin’ heck!  These boys played so badly they could fit right into the full squad now,” said one traveling supporter.

The right stuff

With the World Cup in Brazil just a year away, the FA face a race against time to gather the players able to deliver a fleeting hope of success in a major tournament only to dash it with a feeble quarter-final exit.

FA chairman David Bernstein said he strongly believes “what we have seen in Israel highlights the wealth of average players masquerading as world class we have at our disposal.”

Speaking after the defeat to Israel, the Under-21 manager told reporters: “This is the second tournament in the row we’ve gone out at the group stage so no one can tell me they’re not ready.”

“Three defeats and only one goal scored isn’t a fluke – these boys are ready,” said Pearce.

And on the back of woeful displays at the World Cup in 2010 and Euro 2012, England will be looking to many of these players to continue the nation’s run of inept performances in major tournaments.

The readiness of the under-21s did look in doubt coming into the tournament with nine consecutive wins.

However, any doubt was brushed aside as easily as the young England side were in all three games, proving they possess the lack of creativity and technical ability needed to fail on the biggest stages in world football.

‘The future is bright’

Mr Bernstein hailed this as the “rusted tin” era of English football which reaffirmed the English game’s ability to produce over privileged and under achieving players on a consistent basis.

The performances will no doubt give first team coach Roy Hodgson a genuine selection problem as he battles to determine is worst starting XI for the World Cup.

“As things stand I could put out two average sides and they would both get spanked by any of the top 20 or 30 team in the world,” said Hodgson.  “There are almost two players for each position.”

“Those are really the kind of problems you want as a manager.”

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Traces of Horsemeat Found in Premier League Footballer

ENGLAND – The horsemeat scandal took an unexpected turn this weekend after traces of horsemeat were found in players of British football clubs.

The first and as of yet only complaint in this fresh scandal was made by Liverpool’s Luis Suarez moments after sampling some of Branislav Ivanovic right arm.

Suarez made an official complaint to the Food Standards Agency.

Ongoing controversy

The Uruguayan was quick to express his disgust after the match: “When I released my teeth from his arm I could taste some horsemeat for sure.”

“Called me crazy, but  when I bite into another player I expect human meat.”

The shocking discovery threatens to pull the entire Premier League into turmoil and players have been urged not to take bites out of their fellow professionals until the situation was resolved.

“Until we can guarantee that when you bite into an opposition player, that player is 100% human meat, we’re not taking any chances,” said a cautious Sir Dave Richards, Premier League Chairman.

Early indications suggest there could be as much as 5% horsemeat in the arms of Premier League footballers.  A disturbing stat that was nonetheless played down by Sir Richards.

“When you’ve got players from all over the world it can be difficult,” he suggested.  “There are players from France, Spain, and yes the Ukraine.  Pinning down where this horsemeat entered the system is going to be very difficult.”

Suarez also revealed that the entire incident has put him off eating other footballers in future.

“The next time I’m feeling I need something to nibble on and the closest player is a Chelsea player I will think twice, yes of course.”

Following the comments made by Suarez, Chelsea chairman Bruce Buck asserted that this was an isolated incident and assert the club players were 100% human except for defender John Terry who the club admitted was a unique mix of excrement and human meat like substitute.

Health warning

Food Minister David Heath slammed the Premier League for what he called “falling standards” and recommended Suarez stick to the arms of British footballers in future.

“There must be confidence in the arms that are bitten into on the field of play,” he said.

“That’s why my advice to Luis Suarez id to stock to British sources of arm meat.  Your Rooneys or Gerrards and the like.”

With Liverpool’s next game against Newcastle however, MR Heath confessed finding a good source of British meat could be difficult.

“Maybe the best solution is to not bite into any other players at all.”

“He should think about that.”

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