ENGLAND – The horsemeat scandal took an unexpected turn this weekend after traces of horsemeat were found in players of British football clubs.
The first and as of yet only complaint in this fresh scandal was made by Liverpool’s Luis Suarez moments after sampling some of Branislav Ivanovic right arm.
Suarez made an official complaint to the Food Standards Agency.
The Uruguayan was quick to express his disgust after the match: “When I released my teeth from his arm I could taste some horsemeat for sure.”
“Called me crazy, but when I bite into another player I expect human meat.”
The shocking discovery threatens to pull the entire Premier League into turmoil and players have been urged not to take bites out of their fellow professionals until the situation was resolved.
“Until we can guarantee that when you bite into an opposition player, that player is 100% human meat, we’re not taking any chances,” said a cautious Sir Dave Richards, Premier League Chairman.
Early indications suggest there could be as much as 5% horsemeat in the arms of Premier League footballers. A disturbing stat that was nonetheless played down by Sir Richards.
“When you’ve got players from all over the world it can be difficult,” he suggested. “There are players from France, Spain, and yes the Ukraine. Pinning down where this horsemeat entered the system is going to be very difficult.”
Suarez also revealed that the entire incident has put him off eating other footballers in future.
“The next time I’m feeling I need something to nibble on and the closest player is a Chelsea player I will think twice, yes of course.”
Following the comments made by Suarez, Chelsea chairman Bruce Buck asserted that this was an isolated incident and assert the club players were 100% human except for defender John Terry who the club admitted was a unique mix of excrement and human meat like substitute.
Food Minister David Heath slammed the Premier League for what he called “falling standards” and recommended Suarez stick to the arms of British footballers in future.
“There must be confidence in the arms that are bitten into on the field of play,” he said.
“That’s why my advice to Luis Suarez id to stock to British sources of arm meat. Your Rooneys or Gerrards and the like.”
With Liverpool’s next game against Newcastle however, MR Heath confessed finding a good source of British meat could be difficult.
“Maybe the best solution is to not bite into any other players at all.”
“He should think about that.”