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Russia’s Losing Hockey Team Still Missing After Sochi Games


SOCHI – Latest reports from Sochi suggest the entire Russian hockey team have yet to be seen since their quarter final loss in a game watched by Vladimir Putin.

Many agree the sudden disappearance of so many athletes is worrying news, but such things have been known to happen, especially when “Russians bring shame upon their country” according to Kremlin sources.

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Grief Clinics Set To Stay Open For England World Cup Matches


ENGLAND – David Cameron has overruled the Home Office and ordered a review to ensure that grief clinic opening hours can be extended for England’s World Cup matches.

Tens of millions of fans watched England’s opening game in the 2010 World Cup, making it a highly lucrative event for grief clinics across the country.

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God Struggling To Decide Which Team Deserves Super Bowl Win More


NEW JERSEY – Worrying reports from Heaven suggest that with only a day to go until Super Bowl XLVIII, God has yet to decide which team deserves to win the game.

As the Seattle Seahawks prepare to take on the Denver Broncos, heavenly sources revealed the two teams are so evenly matched He was having trouble picking the winner.

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David Moyes To Undergo Medical After Suggesting Man Utd Still In Title Race


MANCHESTER – Manchester United have ordered David Moyes to undergo an “urgent” medical after he claimed his team were still in the title race with a straight face.

His response in the wake of two straight home defeats have called into question his state of mind, prompting the need for an extensive psychiatric evaluation.

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England To Practise With World Cup Ball Now “As We Won’t See It During Tournament”


ENGLAND – England have made plans to train with the new World Cup Ball after acknowledging they will see very little of it during the competition.

Unveiled this week, the Adidas Brazuca ball could be the most unfamiliar to an England team since they failed to qualify for the 1994 World Cup.

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Djemba-Djemba “Shocked” Not To Be Belittled In Ferguson Book


ENGLAND – Former Manchester United player Eric Djemba-Djemba is said to have been left “shocked” not to be slammed in Sir Alex Ferguson’s new autobiography.

Ferguson’s book was released earlier this month and despite a number of players being singled out for stinging criticism, Djemba-Djemba admitted he was stunned to learn he wasn’t one of them.

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English FA Urge FIFA To Move Qatar 2022 World Cup To 1966


ENGLAND – The FA have called on FIFA to “seriously consider” moving the Qatar World Cup to the summer of 1966.

A spokesman confirmed the organisation’s stance after several countries have voiced their willingness to see the 2022 tournament moved.

There is now growing pressure to move to the sixties amid concerns England won’t win it if it was played at any other time.

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Under 21 Squad “Ready For First Team Failure” Says Pearce


ENGLAND – After three straight defeats at the European Championships, Stuart Pearce has backed his young squad for abject failure at full international level.

Losses to Italy, Norway and Israel saw the England under-21 side crash out of the tournament faster than Theo Walcott after a lost cause, the ideal preparation for the first team according to England fans.

“Flippin’ heck!  These boys played so badly they could fit right into the full squad now,” said one traveling supporter.

The right stuff

With the World Cup in Brazil just a year away, the FA face a race against time to gather the players able to deliver a fleeting hope of success in a major tournament only to dash it with a feeble quarter-final exit.

FA chairman David Bernstein said he strongly believes “what we have seen in Israel highlights the wealth of average players masquerading as world class we have at our disposal.”

Speaking after the defeat to Israel, the Under-21 manager told reporters: “This is the second tournament in the row we’ve gone out at the group stage so no one can tell me they’re not ready.”

“Three defeats and only one goal scored isn’t a fluke – these boys are ready,” said Pearce.

And on the back of woeful displays at the World Cup in 2010 and Euro 2012, England will be looking to many of these players to continue the nation’s run of inept performances in major tournaments.

The readiness of the under-21s did look in doubt coming into the tournament with nine consecutive wins.

However, any doubt was brushed aside as easily as the young England side were in all three games, proving they possess the lack of creativity and technical ability needed to fail on the biggest stages in world football.

‘The future is bright’

Mr Bernstein hailed this as the “rusted tin” era of English football which reaffirmed the English game’s ability to produce over privileged and under achieving players on a consistent basis.

The performances will no doubt give first team coach Roy Hodgson a genuine selection problem as he battles to determine is worst starting XI for the World Cup.

“As things stand I could put out two average sides and they would both get spanked by any of the top 20 or 30 team in the world,” said Hodgson.  “There are almost two players for each position.”

“Those are really the kind of problems you want as a manager.”

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Traces of Horsemeat Found in Premier League Footballer


ENGLAND – The horsemeat scandal took an unexpected turn this weekend after traces of horsemeat were found in players of British football clubs.

The first and as of yet only complaint in this fresh scandal was made by Liverpool’s Luis Suarez moments after sampling some of Branislav Ivanovic right arm.

Suarez made an official complaint to the Food Standards Agency.

Ongoing controversy

The Uruguayan was quick to express his disgust after the match: “When I released my teeth from his arm I could taste some horsemeat for sure.”

“Called me crazy, but  when I bite into another player I expect human meat.”

The shocking discovery threatens to pull the entire Premier League into turmoil and players have been urged not to take bites out of their fellow professionals until the situation was resolved.

“Until we can guarantee that when you bite into an opposition player, that player is 100% human meat, we’re not taking any chances,” said a cautious Sir Dave Richards, Premier League Chairman.

Early indications suggest there could be as much as 5% horsemeat in the arms of Premier League footballers.  A disturbing stat that was nonetheless played down by Sir Richards.

“When you’ve got players from all over the world it can be difficult,” he suggested.  “There are players from France, Spain, and yes the Ukraine.  Pinning down where this horsemeat entered the system is going to be very difficult.”

Suarez also revealed that the entire incident has put him off eating other footballers in future.

“The next time I’m feeling I need something to nibble on and the closest player is a Chelsea player I will think twice, yes of course.”

Following the comments made by Suarez, Chelsea chairman Bruce Buck asserted that this was an isolated incident and assert the club players were 100% human except for defender John Terry who the club admitted was a unique mix of excrement and human meat like substitute.

Health warning

Food Minister David Heath slammed the Premier League for what he called “falling standards” and recommended Suarez stick to the arms of British footballers in future.

“There must be confidence in the arms that are bitten into on the field of play,” he said.

“That’s why my advice to Luis Suarez id to stock to British sources of arm meat.  Your Rooneys or Gerrards and the like.”

With Liverpool’s next game against Newcastle however, MR Heath confessed finding a good source of British meat could be difficult.

“Maybe the best solution is to not bite into any other players at all.”

“He should think about that.”

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Benitez Gains Support of Fans After Sleeping With Wayne Bridge’s Missus


LONDON – Rafa Benitez has endeared himself to fans after announcing he had slept with Wayne Bridge’s missus prior to the club’s Champions League exit.

The new Chelsea manager, who has face much hostility since his appointment looks to have turned a corner in his turbulent relationship with the Stamford Bridge faithful.

Many believe the one night stand with an ex-Chelsea player’s partner proved he did have the ability to become a success at Chelsea.

‘This is a fact’

The former Liverpool boss interrupted a press conference to reveal he had returned from the home of Wayne Bridge in the early hours of Wednesday while the player was away with his Brighton team mates.

Wayne bridge has yet to offer comment but the news has instantly changed opinion of the Spaniard, now being hailed as one of the club’s great managers.

Pundits also praised him for taking decisive action to get supporters on his side.

“We could all see the situation getting away from him after those first few games so credit to Benitez for doing something about it,” said sport columnist Martin Samuel.

“The guy was facing so much hate from fans that the only way he could hope to gain any respect was to get the best out of Fernando Torres, or screw over Wayne Bridge.”

“He’s gone for the only option that was even remotely possible.”

True Chelsea legend

It’s thought Benitez’s actions have bought him at least until the end of the current season to turn things around now he has the support of the fans.

If Benitez failed to make improvements on the pitch however, his advisors say he will be able to regain the trust of the fans next in the summer by launching a string of unwarranted racial abuse towards Anton Ferdinand.

Despite a despondent mood surrounding much of the club facing the prospect of an unwanted Europa League campaign, radio talk shows lit up with supportive fans calling for Benitez to be given a chance to succeed.

“Listen.  I was more than sceptical of Rafa when he came in,” admitted season ticket holder Shaun Cross on talkSPORT’s Call Collymore.  “Not only did he fail to win but we lost that fancy flowing football we had just days before.”

“But now I know the Rafa’s gone and done Wayne’s missus I think we should all just take a step back and give the guy a chance.”

He also added: “Chelsea Chelsea!”

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