Archive | Religion

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Say Something ‘Bout Mama And “Get Got” Warns Pope Francis

PHILIPPINES – Pope Francis has issued a strong public warning, suggesting in no uncertain terms that anyone who cursed his mother could “get got”.

His comments followed the fatal attack on satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo in Paris and comes just days after the pontiff banned all “yo mama” jokes within the Catholic church.

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Kanye West Interrupts Pope Francis Person Of The Year Speech

VATICAN – Kanye West has sparked more controversy after interrupting the Pope Francis’ acceptance speech for the Person of the Year award.

The 77-year-old pontiff, collecting his award at the Vatican, was left humiliated as West appeared to grab the microphone and launch into a passionate diatribe.

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US Denies Barack Obama Knew NSA Had Tapped Prayers To God

WASHINGTON D.C. – The National Security Agency is denying reports that Barack Obama has been aware of the surveillance of prayers to God since 2010.

The fallout from fresh allegations have been brought by Edward Snowden’s leak of classified security material, prompting even more damaging questions about the extent of US spy activities.

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Pope Benedict Admits God No Longer Answering His Phone Calls

VATICAN – Pope Benedict XVI has admitted for the first time that God has not been returning his calls as often as He used to since leaving his post at the Vatican.

The former head of the Catholic Church revealed as many as eight calls to God in the past week alone have gone unanswered.

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Pope To Further Reach Out To Young People By Skipping Christmas Mass

VATICAN – Following his arrival to Twitter, the Pope has outlined plans to double down on his efforts to reach young people by skipping this year’s Christmas Mass ceremony.

Pope Benedict XVI usually delivers the annual ceremony in front of thousands of devoted followers, but said he would “give it a miss” this year as he looked to target the young and lazy demographic to the Catholic Church.

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“Consensual Man Woman Relations Is Where We Draw The Line,” Say Catholic Church

VATICAN – The Pope has accepted the resignation of a shamed bishop found guilty of having a sexual relationship with a “grown woman” who was “very close to his own age”.

After being photographed hugging the woman in question, officials believe bishop Fernando Bargallo had no option but to vacate his position “or risk bringing Catholicism into disrepute.”

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Pope Benedict Urges Church to End ‘Difficult’ Easter Egg Hunt

VATICAN CITY – In his Easter Sunday message Pope Benedict XVI has urged the Catholic Church to call an end to the traditional Easter egg hunt and tell him where the rest of the eggs are hidden.

During Mass in St. Peter’s Square, Benedict voiced his concerns that the annual Catholic Church egg hunt was proving overly challenging having found just two of the suspected 20 eggs hidden in the Vatican.

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Priests Encouraged To Attend Sexual Harassment Workshops

ENGLAND – The head of HR at Church of England has confirmed all priests are being encouraged to attend a range of workshops to explain the difference between performing one’s religious duty and sexually abusing children.

The initiative follows an internal survey that showed a significant proportion of priest could not differentiate between reading scriptures and touching 10-year-olds.  A six week course should mitigate concerns that the recent “do not touch the kids” message may have not yet hit home with all of the Church’s employees.

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams said the establishment of the workshops was a big step to ensuring that fellow priests treat this matter with the same seriousness as a traffic violation.

Sexual Abuse Awareness Training

Church officials backed the move and believe the volunteer programme will be especially beneficial to the few who have yet to fully grasp the importance of allowing under age Church members to go a whole day without having another man’s genitals shoved in their faces, according to programme director Ann Withers.

“These sessions will be about educating attendees on how to re-frame the problem in another context so they can fully come to terms with the need to adjust their actions within a Church setting.”

Mrs Withers went on to say: “One example we use is the supermarket.  You wouldn’t force yourself on an unknown child in the frozen foods aisle, so we don’t do it in the Church aisle – that sort of thing.”

5 steps to a molestation-free day

Commenting on previous instances of child molestation, the head of HR said: “We understand it’s an easy mistake to make so we need to explain to priests in our organisation that haven’t quite make the distinction between loving all God’s children – which is good, and just loving children – which is not so good.”

Mrs Withers emphasised with priests and suggested the Bible could be less suggestive in places.  “Who among us hasn’t read ‘Love thy neighbour’ and felt the need to force our genitals on a child?”

In a sign the scheme was already getting results, one priest was optimistic the course would provide the help he needed and highlight the “Supermarket scenario” as just one of the many useful tips.

“The session went really well,” said priest Scott Lemington.  “I’m just looking to get back to work fiddling kids–no wait! I meant spreading the word of God.  Spreading the word of God. Sorry, it’s only been one session.”

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God Rejects David Cameron ‘Absent Father’ Label

EVERYWHERE – God, father to Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, has hit back against David Cameron after falling victim to the ‘bad dad’ label branded by the UK Prime Minister.

The attack came after Mr Cameron called for absent fathers to be treated as drunk drivers, adding that fathers had a duty to support “financially and emotionally” their children.

It is this statement that caused many fathers to react angrily, and none more so than the omnipresent deity who is reported to be in a ‘particularly vengeful mood’ after the comments which cast serious doubt over His parenting skills.

Blanket statement

“It is high time runaway dads were stigmatised and the full force of shame was heaped upon them,” the Prime Minister said.

“They should be looked at like drink drivers, people who are beyond the pale. They need the message rammed home to them…leaving single mothers, who do a heroic job against all odds, to fend for themselves simply isn’t acceptable.”

This was thought to be in reference to Jesus’ well-known need to create miracles in order to get a decent meal – an example of what happens when the father is not there to adequately provide for a child.

Although He has not spoken directly, a statement was issued by God’s legal team – Thomas Mesereau, the ghost of Johnnie Cochran and Jack McCoy from Law and Order – to determine what legal action can be taken against such what they believe to be character defamation.

Mr Cochran has already indicating their clients “disappointment” over such poor choice of words by Mr Cameron to apply to all absent fathers “Almighty or otherwise.”

‘Slander of the highest order’

“Yes, our client was not with the boy in physical form but was always present in Holy Spirit,” added Mesereau.

The team confirmed they would be investigating all available legal avenues to protect God’s name and would likely seek hefty compensation in addition to an apology from David Cameron.

Speaking to journalists, Mr Cochran went on to say: “We believe the Prime Minister failed to take into account the particulars of this situation and will be exploring our options in order to remove this most heinous of labels. ”

“No further questions.  Thank you.”

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Goldman Sachs Cancels Contract With God

WALL STREET – In what looks to become a hostile legal battle, banking giant Goldman Sachs have announced that they are to cancel their contract with God with immediate effect, blaming ‘restrictive employment conditions’.

Anonymous sources noted that the company had received an improved, less restrictive offer from an as yet unnamed third party, understood to be headquartered ‘way way down under’.

The company share price rose 2.5% on the news, a sure sign that investors felt removing any link to morality from daily operations would be positive for the long term success of the company.

‘We’re done with God’s work’

The investment bank shocked the world in 2010 when CEO Lloyd Blankfein revealed his company was under contract with the almighty one,  although reports at the time suggested God had no recollection of contracting the firm to bring the global economy to it’s knees, instigating one of the largest transfers of wealth possible without buying a lottery ticket.

Waving the Bible in the air, Mr Blankfein cited a number of the disputed terms of employment he felt contributed to unfair working conditions, including Acts 20:35 ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive’ and 2 Corinthians 9:7 ‘God loves a cheerful giver’.

“There’s no way we would have agreed to these terms if they ha been made clear to us… ‘He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth unto the Lord?’  How can we do business with these restrictions?”

Officially Godless

God admitted the news Goldman Sachs were under his employment was as big a revelation as finding out Judas had gone rogue, though he did mention He’s had a lot on his mind over the past millenia and could have simply forgot.

It’s now expected that He would consult His legal team – comprising of Micheal Jackson’s attorney, the ghost of Jonnie Cochran and the D.A. from Law and Order – to determine the most appropriate means of recourse after Goldman had shown such ‘chutzpah’ to disrespect Him so publicly.

Johnny Cochran told a judge:  “We’re looking at damages of at least $500 million, payable by the bank ‘in this life or the next’.

“We got a better offer from another guy anyway, we don’t need God anymore and He needs to accept that before things get ugly.”

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