UNITED KINGDOM – Paramount Pictures have been forced to recall their new movie from cinemas after initial screenings confirmed it contained traces of War Horse.

The action horror remake of the classic fairytale was found to contain up 30% of the equine based war drama, prompting an immediate removal from theatres nationwide.

Smaller amounts of War Horse were also found in The Avengers, Battleship and Total Recall.

War Horse scandal

Across Europe the production labeled as “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” has been found to be contaminated with War Horse and the contamination looks to have even affected straight-to-video titles according to sources.

After an initial denial, Paramount confirmed the 90 minute fantasy production had in fact been adulterated with several of scenes from the 2011 Steven Spielberg epic thought to have found their way into the movie during a “gross error” in the editing process.

Moviegoers were understandably to be shocked by the revelation and are demanding answers.

“Well it’s an outrage is what it is,” said one angry member of the public.  “I paid for Hansel and Gretel.  It clearly says ‘Hansel and Gretel’ on my cinema ticket.  So forgive me for expecting 100% Hansel and Gretel.”

“The fact that we were fed something other than what we paid for was even worse than the film itself, and I didn’t think that was possible,” said another disgruntled viewer.

However, after seeing the film several attendees did admitted something “felt out of place” when Hansel formed a deep bond with a horse wandering in the forest 30 minutes into the screening.

Public outrage

Studio officials stressed the contaminated title – shown across hundreds of cinemas over the UK and Ireland – posed no risk to the health of the public, unless they actually sat through and watched the entire thing.

However, a Paramount spokesman said customers affected could return tickets for a full refund and Inception on Blu-Ray.

In an effort to determine just how far the scandal has spread, the UK Film Council announced it would now conduct a full investigation into other blockbuster titles in search of War Horse scenes.

Fast and Furious was thought to contain traces of War Horse but further tests showed it actually contains large amounts of Raging Bull.

In related news, John Carter has been banned from screening after authorities said it misled the public into thinking it was a watchable piece of entertainment and is now facing charges of serious fraud.

ENGLAND – Officials at McDonald’s have confirmed they will be altering the colouring of their meat-like patties to avoid negative connotations associated with red meat.

After a study suggesting red meat increased the risk of death, scientists within the fast food company say they have taken steps to make their food appear even less like red meat than it already does.

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FRANCE – A local court has convicted the international terrorist known as Carlos the Jackal and sentenced him to life in an NHS operated nursing home without parole.

The Venezuelan-born criminal, whose real name is Ilich Ramirez Sanchez had expected to receive a softer sentencing option of life imprisonment.

To the surprise of many in the courtroom, a jury went for the maximum punishment, condemning the 62-year-old to spend his golden years alone in a tiny room and made to pay £600.00 (€715) per week “without any hope of ever getting out.”

Tough sentencing

Influencing the outcome was the consideration that spending life in a place where bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing ironed did not match the crimes committed during several deadly attacks in the 1980s.

Addressing the court room, the serving judge explained: “It is in this courts opinion life in prison is too lean a sentence and Mr Sanchez can now look forward to a life of being left to soak in his own urine while contemplating the atrocities he has brought on the people of France.”

Prosecutor Olivier Bray was delighted with the ruling: “The operational and clinical failures of these NHS run facilities will see that he receives ample punishment for his crimes, and then some.”

Mr Sanchez appeared defiant as the judge announced the new sentence, but is said to be “bricking it” and has since pleaded for clemency, requesting his sentence be commuted to the death penalty.

‘The system works’

His lawyer, Isabelle Coutant-Peyre, described the verdict as a ‘scandal’ and confirmed she would appeal, adding that it was ‘inhuman’ for her client to suffer “this level of indignity and neglect regardless of the crimes committed.”

“Our client is all too aware of the deplorable conditions in many of these care homes and is adamant he not spend even a day of his life in such an awful place.”

Alain Poupaux, who was injured in one of the attacks, said he was “relieved” at the sentence and praised the Judge for taking an ultra hard line on terrorism.

“At first I was a confused by this verdict.  Prison is, how you say, ‘the worst’, no?”

“But I watched a documentary on NHS care homes and I am now satisfied this Jackal will finally get what he deserves.  This is justice, oui!”

GENEVA – A recent study from the World Health Organization has revealed a ‘substantial and worrying’ link between mobile phone use and talking much louder than you need to.

The WHO declared mobile phones to have the potential to cause unnecessarily high amplitude sound waves to be emitted when in use by those who had no awareness of their surroundings.

“We found that a certain subset of the population were highly susceptible to the condition in which we noted unnecessary elevation of the speaking voice,”claimed professor Helen Carter.

Her team lead several experiments all with the same sobering result: an increased risk of the medical condition known as ‘ignorant jerk syndrome’ (IJS).

‘Alarming correlation’

Professor Carter was now able to say with certainty that there is a strong link between mobile phone use and talking as if you are the only person in a one mile radius.

“We ran the study within a controlled group,” explained professor Carter.  “As you can see, our phone user is utterly unaware of the amplitude of his voice right now despite the murderous looks from those around him.”

For many the findings have only confirmed what was already believed to be a serious problem.

Phone owner Jeff Randleson said:  “I knew there was something wrong when this jackass started yammering on the phone in a quiet zone…a quiet zone!  I guess since it’s a medical condition it’s not his fault though.”

Experts said things appeared to get worse the longer a phone was in use.  In addition to elevated amplitude and pitch, test subjects also exhibited symptoms such as arm waving and sporadic outbursts of “HELLO?” and “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?”

Chilling evidence

“In one test the condition got so bad our test subject was eventually punched in the face before we saw any reduction in symptoms.”

Perhaps the biggest fear was the potential effect on young children.  One concerned mother said she had already limited her childrens’ phone use due to protect them from developing IJS.

The news was not all bad however as the team had advise for phone users concerned about possible health risks highlighted in the report.

In a press release, professor Carter stated, “we are still conducting additional research into the long-term prognosis, but for now it is important to take measures to reduce its affects such as using your inside voice when on the phone.”

ENGLAND – David Cameron has been placed on a waiting and will likely have to wait ‘at least 6 to 8 months’ to see someone about reforming Britain’s inefficient healthcare system.

Earlier this week, the Prime Minister announced his intention to urgently put in place crucial reforms that would improve the service, citing the need to act ‘sooner rather than later’.  However, NHS bosses now expect wait time to push that plan to ‘later rather than sooner’ as the institution works through a backlog of people wanting to implement substantial changes to the system.

‘Please wait your turn’

“We get this a lot we do,” a nurse said.  “It seems that everyone and their dog comes in complaining about this change or that change, but I told David like I tell everybody with the same sad story…there’s a line of people with problems just as ‘urgent’ as yours so sit down and wait patiently until you are seen.”

The coalition leader is thought to be behind a string of leaders who have previously all put in appointments to improve the national service that has fallen behind among it’s European peers, including Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, and ‘90s leader John Major.

Former Conservative leader Margaret Thatcher was also on the waiting list for reform until recently, when she decided to give up her place in the line ‘and get on with the rest of my life’.

It’s expected that Mr Cameron will be able to see someone in 6 to 8 months, when he’ll then likely be directed to the correct person he needs to see and placed on another waiting in his bid to overhaul the system.

Inefficient system

Public sector unions had warned of the major wait times he would likely face, but the Prime Minister said that there was no easy option, admitting though that it was frustrating to have so many hypochondriacs and drug addicts come after him yet be seen ahead of him.

Even still, he remained optimistic he would be attended to in good time: “They told me it wouldn’t be too long now and we can really get some change going.  I’ve got my ticket so we’ll just see how it goes,” he decided.  “Who knows, maybe someone won’t show up and I’ll be bumped up the list.”

“This is a problem I will not shy away from…I just wish they’d get some up to date magazines in here.”

CALIFORNIA – McDonald’s have been forced to recall as many as nine million Big Macs, Double Cheeseburgers and Big Tastys after fears that they could contain as much as 100% real beef.

The recall, to be officially announced by the US Food And Drug Administration imminently, was set in motion hours after a customer remarked that her burger tasted like ‘real food’ and soon after alerted the FDA. Specimen testing on a Quarter Pounder (with cheese) confirmed the presence of authentic beef inside the space between buns where reheated imitation beef should have been.

Authentic beef is a potent source of minerals and protein which, when consumed in sufficiently high doses could contribute to a healthy and balanced diet.

Unsafe for consumption

Word of the contamination has spread quickly throughout media outlets and social networking sites alike, with the nation making plain it’s outrage that a company with a decorated history of nutritional negligence could find itself in such a comprising position.

“Don’t they have checks for these things???” commented one Twitter user. “I mean…real beef, C’MON #mickyD?! Heads should roll for this! #epicfail”

Many customers have now said they would reconsider visiting the restaurant in the near future. Speaking to local news, one fan was quick to express their disgust, saying: “I’m just stunned.  This is just not what I come to McDonald’s for. If I wanted nutrition, I would have joined Weight Watchers.”

The recall is projected to cost the fast food chain as much as $25 million, enough to pay hourly wages of roughly 3 million illegal immigrants, but a necessary step to protect the poor nutritional value of it’s food offerings, say executives.

Proud tradition of serving non-food

A McDonald’s spokesman, Mike Reid, said in an interview: “We’ve had a good, constructive two-way dialogue with the FDA’s office and the clinically obese. We’re on top of it.”

“We’re confident we’ve isolated the source of the real beef contamination and with increased safeguards it will not be a problem going forward.”

Seeking to remind the nation of it’s commitment to a menu capable of bringing Jamie Oliver to tears, creating food items that contain ‘little to no actual food’. A press statement highlighted the the recent availability of the McRib – a re-constituted, pseudo rib patty – calling it the “most unnatural thing you’ll eat that isn’t bacon and cheese wrapped in two pieces of fried chicken.”

“And our chicken nugget are full of crap too. Let’s not forget that.”

NEW JERSEY – A woman is suing MTV Network after prolonged exposure to Jersey Shore left her with a mild aneurysm as a result of head trauma.  Mandy Carter, 28, was forced to watch as much as seven hours of the reality TV show about ‘people’ from New Jersey in a MTV commissioned marathon after being immobilised recovering in hospital from an unrelated condition.   She is now considering legal action against the hospital in question.

In addition to setting new lows for human depravity, the reality television explosion brings with it serious concerns about its effect on health.  Mrs Carter is advocating the networks end the marathon session of reality programming or at least attach health warning preroll clips to indicate the ‘very real’ level of danger viewers are exposing themselves to by tuning in.

“It was the most mind-numbing thing I have ever seen.  How can this be legal?”

It’s a Jersey thing

An MTV spokesman said they will not discontinue the show until ‘all the facts were known’ and an independent study proves a direct link between watching Jersey shore and permanent brain damage.  He did however confirm they would consider warnings to allow viewers to decide before potentially putting their long-term health at risk.

Not many people are aware that continued exposure to powerfully stupid shows may cause damage that experts believe could result in self-induced memory loss and other serious neurological harm. “Seeing Flava Flav hook up every week must have serious ramifications for neurological development.  Of that we can have no doubt.”

‘We have a situation’

“These networks are broadcasting shows featuring the most inane people in society without considering the effect hours of Jersey Shore, The Hills or A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila will have on well-adjusted healthy individuals.”

It’s especially worrying for younger viewers still in the early stages of development stage who may not understand the difference between a normal function human being and Bret Micheals.  Exposure at a young age could leave many children harbouring ambitions of growing up to be a Snooki, a thought Mrs Carter called ‘too grim to even consider’.

The FCC have commissioned a 30 year study chronicling damage done to major social functions caused by endless re-runs of reality TV programming.  Any findings will however come too late for Mandy Carter who now reads at third grade level and has since lost the ability to empathise with people from New Jersey.