Archive | Environment

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Every Weather Reporter on Earth Forecasting Cloud With Chance of Fireballs


WORLD – Local weather reporters across the planet have advised their viewers to prepare for an outbreak of dark cloud followed by falling fire from the sky and the likely end of the world.

Similar forecasts are being issued by news outlets in Europe, Asia and the Americas, leading environmental agencies to issue a severe “WTF Weather Warning” for Friday 21st of December.

The forecast for the weekend is currently non-existent.

Bad weather day

It’s agreed that the day would start at an average of 12 degrees C with scattered showers in some areas.

By mid afternoon, temperatures would rise to an unseasonal 1000 degrees C (1832 Fahrenheit) and be accompanied by a steady stream of hellfire raining from the sky in a south by south-westerly direction.

A Colorado based news station predict the skies will “open up an unleash an almighty barrage of thunder and molten fire from the heavens the likes of which no human has ever witnessed.”

KUSA, the number one local news source in Colorado, gave the conditions a rating of a nuclear hazard symbol in between two skull and crossbones.

“If you are the general vicinity of the planet earth it looks like you will be caught up in these apocalyptic like conditions from which there doesn’t looks like much chance of survival.”

“We’re also advising people to take on a lot of fluids because it is looking like a scorcher.”

Residents the world over are being evacuated from their homes have been taken to nearby houses of worship to repent for their sins – this after learning there was also a 65% chance of Jesus returning.

Despite the potential damage to property and human life, some residents have chosen to fire-proof their homes in efforts to ride out what looks like a once in a 5,126 year weather event.

Some businesses too look set to ignore warnings with Ben & Jerry’s stores worldwide expected to remain open for a “bumper day” of sales according to executives.

‘Keep sunscreen handy’

In the UK, the emergency motor company RAC have been ramping up staffing numbers to deal with what an anticipated surge in fireball related incidents.

“There’s always a few optimists who think they can make it through an unprecedented storm of fire and brimstone,” said responder David Matthews.

The RAC themselves are predicting temperatures high enough to damage tyres, cause engine failure and melt skin from bone.

“It’s just up to us to pick up the pieces.”

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Hot Air From Global Warming Talks Now Leading Cause of Global Warming


DOHA – The world’s foremost climate change experts have warned the hot air produced from ongoing global warming talks has now become the leading cause of global warming.

The grim warning comes during the latest talks between leading nations which is expected to release an estimated 12 gigatons of hot air into the atmosphere over the next two weeks.

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Joy As Millions of New Yorkers Now Able To Charge Their iPhones


NEW YORK – After the most devastating natural disaster to hit the state, returning power to Lower Manhattan has allowed thousands of residents to finally charge their iPhone.

It’s thought as many as 10,000 iPhones, Android and Windows phones were lost to low battery status on the first day of the storm, and the number continued to rise at an alarming rate.

The Federal Statistical Office said they would know how many Blackberry users were affected once they could find enough people who would admit they owned Blackberrys.

Storm is over

Sandy-related power cuts affected millions of customers and the devastating scenes saw many locals wandering flooded streets in search of a working power outlet or USB socket.

Those affected by the super storm called it the worst disaster since leaving their phone in the back of a cab that one time.

With no working phones nearby, entire neighbourhoods were forced to communicate face to face for “unrealistic” lengths of time.

Reports says several families long ran out of talking points and had been struggling maintain conversation while awaiting the return of power to continue ignoring each other while downloading updates to Angry Birds.

After days of no service, cheering people took to the streets and began download 99 cent apps for no reason.

Renewed hope

Sarah Folks, from the Lower East Side, described the lost feeling “everyone is going through right now” and addicted she was not sure how long the community could survive without access to free downloadable games.

“Oh it was bedlam here,” she said after going five days without updated her Facebook.  “A lot of people tried to take matters into their own hands and started hooking their iPhones to potatoes.”

“Some of us were down to 10% battery before the power came back on.  I don’t know what we would have done if the outage went on any longer,” she said tearfully.

Despite the joy felt over the returning power, the state confirmed it would seek to take action against electricity companies for their slow response.

Governor Andrew Cuomo promised to hold Con Ed and others to account for their failings resulting in “me losing three different games of Words With Friends.”

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Oldest Undeciphered Text “May Be First Ever Terms of Service Agreement”


OXFORD – Researchers have indicated that the world’s oldest undeciphered text could be the first recorded instance of a Term of Service agreement.

The unintelligible writings, which have so far defied attempts to uncover its true meaning, is close to being deciphered according to university academics.

“I think we’re finally on the point of making a breakthrough,” said director of the Ancient World Research  Jacob Dahl, who warned it could be a while before his team understood the agreement, and even longer to determine how it applies in the real world.

‘What’s ancient Iranian for “Yes, I Agree”’

From the information gleaned to date, the proto-Elamite text appears to be an agreement for the use of agricultural land, which could go some way to explaining why so many people went hungry.

“When our team started looking at the writings over a decade ago, we believed them to be a log detailing everyday observations of a civilisation previously unknown to us in these modern times.”

“But it was just too bloody difficult to follow without skipping straight to the end and chiseling ‘Agree’ into the  stone.”

“That we realised we had uncovered the earliest Term of Service known to man.”

He went on to point out: “Without computers, you would have had to read the entire text and understand the majority of it before agreeing to anything.  But that’s how it was in those backwards times.”

Head scratcher

In an attempt to aid the decoding process, fragments of the ancient agreement are being scanned with the most complex equivalents available to researchers: Facebook and iTunes Terms of Service.

Dr Dahl hopes there may be similarities in both old and new unnecessarily complex examples of language that could help them simplify the convoluted Bronze Age contract to “something my mother could understand.”

“It’s as if they don’t want us to know what they’re trying to say,” he suggested.

“Can I use a borrowed sickle to harvest wheat crops on the third Sunday after a full moon or not?!  Why can’t these things be clearer?”

“Thank God we can just skip through this stuff now else we’d get nothing done nowadays.”

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Lance Armstrong Supporters Placed on Endangered Species List


United States – People who still believe in Lance Armstrong have been listed as an endangered species after a recent outbreak of a USADA doping report.

Scientists have confirmed the number of Lance Armstrong supporters (persona passio delusio) have declined by 80 per cent since the 1000 report was released into the wild.

The report has led to the spread of a condition known as “Sudden Awareness of Reality Syndrome” which attacks the area of the brain responsible for accepting facts.

Decimated numbers

Experts believe the group is now under serious threat from further disclosure of doping evidence and the US government has pledged $8 million (£5m) over the next five years to determined the best method of keeping fans ignorant.

“Once the cold hard facts settle in the host brain, the effects are instantaneous and deadly,” said wildlife expert Cameron Spector.

“This thing has already taken out large populations of Armstrong supporters in Europe, across Asia and it’s now working its way through North America.”

“Should we see further evidence that makes it even more abundantly clear just how guilty Lance Armstrong has been throughout his career, the persona passio delusio could be wiped out entirely.”

So dire is the situation that scientists suggest remaining supporters may be entered into a breeding program to grow numbers.

“At this rate it may be the only option we have of ensuring the Lance Armstrong supporter doesn’t go the way of the Dodo.”

Livestrong

Recent evidence detailing the star’s role in the largest drug scandal in sports since Barry Bonds lost sight of his testicles has seen supporters of the 41-year-old at their lowest numbers on record.

Officially, supporters who remain unaware of the report are listed as “endangered” and those supporters in possession of the report are to be listed as “stupid”.

Only a minority now exist outside of captivity and although conservation group would like to see the species in the wild, ”the reality is that strong action is needed to find out more about this disease and stop its spread.”

“The numbers are alarming.  Scientists are telling us they’ve never seen anything like it,” said Catherine Smiley, a spokeswoman for the World Wildlife Fund.

“Even dinosaurs had a fighting chance.”

So far the only known way to prevent SARS was to turn away from the television, stick a finger in each ear and cry out “lalalalalalalaaaa I’m not listening” until weather and local news came on.

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Watching Slow Plodding England Caused Lonesome George’s Death Say Scientists


ECUADOR – Following a postmortem on Lonesome George, experts have concluded England’s slow and plodding football was the cause of death of the world’s last giant tortoise.

Park officials said the tortoise, who witnessed all 110 minutes of the Euro 2012 quarter-final, was found dead in his corral by his keeper of 40 years, Fausto Llerena who was found asleep with his eyes open.

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Mary Poppins “Still Missing” After Heavy Winds Grip Country


LONDON – The Metropolitan police force have confirmed their search for Mary Poppins remains ongoing, days after gale force winds gripped much of the country.

Ms Poppins was last seen attempting to leave Seventeen Cherry Tree Lane before reportedly being caught up on “unusually strong west winds” of up to 70mph.

Known for favouring wind powered travel, the English nanny was understood to have narrowly missed a falling tree before being carried off at the mercy of treacherous weather conditions.

After 72 hours with no contact, a missing person’s report was filed.

‘She could be anywhere by now’

Mr George Banks retold the moment he tried to stop her from travelling in such dangerous conditions.

“I tried telling her it was too windy but she can be so damn stubborn sometimes.  ‘I can handle a little wind’ she said.”

“Well, she made it as far as the end of the road with that umbrella of hers before she was blown sideways like a rag doll and that was it.  We haven’t seen her since.”

Having recently taught the Banks’ children on the importance of “listening when one is speaking”.

Officials conducting the search have been reminded they could not afford not get caught up in the irony of the circumstances and needed to concentrate on the task at hand.

Largely unmoved by the situation, Mrs Winifred Banks claimed her children were now “running amok” and has resorted to searching the Yellow Pages for a replacement child minder.

Supercalifragilisticexpialiatrocious weather

A police spokesman was practical in his outlook:  “Usually it’s the first 24 hours that are crucial to any search, but we’re still hopeful Mary will turn up,” admitted Jeremy Barkley, who also called on the public for any positive sign that could lead to the safe discovery of Ms Poppins.

“A call, letter, a previously dysfunctional family whose life was miraculously turned around.  If you’re out there Mary just give us a sign.”

With severe weather warnings due to cover the whole of Britain by the end of the week, the Met Office have extended their travel warning to all characters capable of magically powered flight.

“We have these warnings for a reason,” said meteorologist Cathy Baker.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re in a car, plane or some kind of magical umbrella.  When we say it’s too windy for safe travel, it’s too damn windy.”

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Captain Planet Fired For ‘Gross Negligence’


EARTH – The employment of Captain Planet has been terminated with immediate effect after he was found “severely lacking and at times incompetent” in his role as protector of the environment. 

Mr Planet is blamed for not doing enough to stop catastrophes such as oil spills in China and the Gulf of Mexico, melting ice caps and most egregiously, failing to take pollution down to zero.

“It reached a point where enough was enough” said the Earth spirit Gaia who stripped him of his captaincy.

“He had one job to do and he simply wasn’t performing.”

Mr Planet, who’s last success came from closing the hole in the Ozone layer, has declined to comment publicly.

It was never the same

The news came as no surprise to his Planeteers who have since been ordered to return their magic rings.  Kwame, Wheeler, Linka, Gi and Ma-Ti admit finding it difficult to balance environmental duties with commitments of adulthood.

An unwillingness to replace his team once they past the age at which people stop caring about the environment is being highlighted as another crucial failing.

“He always thought because he had nothing better to do, we didn’t either” recalls Linka, currently seven months pregnant.

“We tried telling him, but Cap wouldn’t listen.  He never listened.”

Reports of a major disagreement between Planet and Ma-Ti, now living with his ‘life partner’ in California has strengthened rumors of a split within the group.

However, Planeteer Kwane insisted he would have been there had he knew how bad things had become.

“No one called me!” he said. “I still wore my ring everyday, that sh*t was never over for me.”

As the fallout continues, Mr Planet’s agent denied allegations of substance abuse and revealed his client will bounce back as a male gigolo, adding: ‘chicks really dig that blue look’.

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Japanese Tanker Damaged in Whale Terror Attack


DUBAI, UAE – A tanker damaged while travelling to Japan was found to be the target of a whale terror attack say the United Arab Emirates.  A group of whales have already claimed responsibility for the attack as investigators reveal the ‘M Star’ was hit by an explosives-laden manatee in the Persian Gulf in what is the first terrorist attack by sea creatures since Deep Blue Sea and escalates the long running war between Japanese whalers and the whales they gut on a mass scale.  “We found manatee remains all over the deck” said a UAE report which also highlighted the groups use of endangered species for suicide bombing missions.  The ships owner Mitsui O.S.K had originally played down possible whale involvement saying that it could be a submarine collision, wave or blind shark.  But investigators maintained on Thursday that its oil tanker was probably attacked by extremist whales and it was ‘only natural that they would seek retribution from the Japanese’.
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New Sex Tape Contains ‘Conclusive’ Evidence of Bigfoot


OUACHITA, OK – A battle between the Discovery Channel and and Hustler TV has broken out over the rights to a sex tape said to contain ‘the most conclusive evidence yet’ of Bigfoot. The tape reportedly captures up to 5 minutes of the mythical beast amongst 37 and a half minutes of Mr and Mrs Taylor engaging in ‘freaky outdoor sex’ and has fast become the most valuable sex tape ever made. The Taylors were unaware of the wonders they had captured on film until playing it back one night to ‘stir themselves up’. “We just took a look at it for the first time a couple weeks ago and want do you know, there’s Bigfoot walking in as I was really giving it to my wife” said Mr Taylor who was also pleased at his own performance over the course of the video footage as well as the Bigfoot discovery. The two media giants are now fighting over the rights to own the footage in what has become the biggest clash of mainstream and adult entertainment since Tom Hanks refused to pay back Hugh Hefner the $1000 he owed for damages to the playboy mansion.

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