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High Speed Rail Plans Will See Government Fly Britons To Japan

BRITAIN – The British government has revealed plans to provide commuters with access to high speed rail will involve flying them to Japan to use the trains in that country.

Ministers announced the next stage of the HS2 project would rely heavily on taking passengers to their nearest major airport and providing subsidised airline tickets for “full and unfettered” use of a state of the art railway system the moment their plane lands.

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SpongeBob SquarePants Calls For Strike In Krusty Krab Pay Protest

BIKINI BOTTOM – SpongeBob Squarepants has become the latest fast food worker to call for strike action in a dispute with the Krusty Krab over low hourly pay.

“Mr Krabs has gone too far,” screamed SpongeBob who admitted “krappy wages” is the reason he’s been wearing the same pair of square pants for 10 years.

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Npower To Honour Nelson Mandela By Increasing Prices Another 2.7%

UNITED KINGDOM – Energy supplier Npower has announced it will raise its energy prices a further 2.7% to mark the memory of Nelson Mandela time in prison.

The company already increased prices by 10.4% this year, in honour of the company’s favourite number 10.4, but said it couldn’t miss the opportunity to pay their respects to the great leader and visionary.

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Banks Announce They’re Ready To Crash World Economy Again

WALL STREET – Bankers at the world’s largest financial institutions have announced they are ready to kick off another economic catastrophe some time soon.

Current economic conditions suggest now is “as good a time as any” to begin engaging in a series of esoteric, overly complex financial transactions that would inevitably fail and being the world economy down with them.

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U.S. Economic Recovery Boosted By “Record” Black Friday Violence

UNITED STATES – Stores across the country are hailing the “best Black Friday ever” after record levels of violence has put the retail sector on course for a bumper year-end.

Analysts cautioned against drawing conclusions before all bodies were counted, but early forecasts suggest needless deaths could be up as much as 8% from 2012 which indicates a robust economic recovery is well underway.

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Giant Pandas To Raise Funds For Endangered High Street Shops

UNITED KINGDOM – The world’s population of Giant Pandas have gathered to raise funds in a last-ditch bid to save the endangered high street retailer.

The move has come following news both Barratts and Blockbuster have fallen into administration – the fall in numbers has now pushed the high street shop onto the endangered species list.

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Apple Unveil New Ultra Thin iPad 2D

CUPERTINO – Apple have released a new model of the iPad tablet which they claim is so thin it only exists in two dimensions of space.

The newly named iPad 2D features a design reminiscent of a basic polygon shape and features a smaller bezel which shrinks the footprint of the tablet down to just the x and y axis.

“Meet the new iPad,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook before accidentally giving himself a paper cut as he grabbed the new iPad 2D.

‘Thinnest yet’

This is the thinnest revision of Apple’s market leading tablet and only fractionally thicker them the picture of the iPad on the packaging.

Speaking to a captivated audiences, Cook said the device was 1000% thinner and could not be seen when laid on a flat surface and would be available from just $499.

Tablet manufacturers have fought to compete with the computing giant but have again been left behind by Apple who have manage to completely remove the third dimension from their tablet.

Cook dismissed the growing threat from rivals, saying: “Everyone seems to making a tablet, but we believe they are unnecessarily using an extra dimension not required in today’s new world of post three-dimensional computing.”

Amazon and Google have already announced small tablets, but those will not be considered bulky and unwieldy.  Indeed, many current gen iPad owners now consider their 9mm thick device as “a little bit bulky”.

In response, Samsung are reportedly working on out doing Apple by releasing a device that only exists in one point in space.

Faster lighter thinner

Earlier his month analysts warned there was a risk Apple would be unable to deliver new devices in time for the holidays but Cook confirmed the lack of third dimension allowed production to be completed in record time.

“It was only a matter of time before Apple engineers figured out how to get all that tech into a virtually flat plane,” said tech analyst Stephen Smith.

“Every year the iPad gets thinner so it makes sense to do away with depth altogether.”

When asked if the devices thinness could cause a problem in everyday use, one Apple fan responded:

“I’ll only put a cover on it anyway.”

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Apple To Launch New iPhone With Pre Cracked Screen

CALIFORNIA – Apple have confirmed it will follow up with a new version of the iPhone that has the screen already broken and cracked beyond repair.

The announcement was made at a press conference where Apple chief executive Tim Cook said that “the way our customers use their phones undoubtedly tells us that what they want is a version of the iPhone with the screen all smashed up” before declaring: “and here it is.”

The new iPhone will contain a reinforced steel casing, have a brushed aluminium back and a host of unseemly shatter marks across the face of the phone.

‘Cracked is the new white’

Early reports had suggested the company was facing production problems, in that they were having problem completely smashing enough screens in time for release, but these were quickly refuted by Mr Cook.

Apple will release the new iPhone in two models: single scratch for $199 (£120) and shattered for $299 (£180).

Speaking at the company’s Cupertino headquarters, vice president Phil Schiller said he was confident the new look phone would be welcomed by fans thus far forced to drop their new phones on a hard surface to get the same.

“With the new iPhone, you’ll get that feature right out of the box,” said Schiller who assured “each crack has been lovingly smashed right into the glass surface of every new iPhone.”

If the new model proved popular as expected, the market could see a new iPad sold with glaring scratches across its face and new Macbooks with bullet holes in the screen by the next fiscal year.

Following the launch, Apple reassured owners of older iPhone models that they could take their phone into their nearest Apple store to be upgraded to the latest model.

“We’ve made the upgrade process extremely simple and can be done in a matter of seconds by any trained member of staff with a hammer.”

Pleasing the market

Reading from his new iPhone, tech analyst David Finley reported the company’s stock had gone up by 12 points, “though that could be a 16. There are so many shatter marks I can barely see what’s on the screen – it’s great.”

The new devices were also well received by early adopters in line at Apple’s flagship New York store.

“I just dropped my phone on the driveway and now the screen is damaged beyond repair,” iPhone 5 owner Ben Johnson told reporters.

“So this new iPhone has come just in time.”

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HMV Addresses “The Internet” Threat in Recovered 1995 Memo

LONDON – The following is a recovered 1995 memo from HMV to its employees in response to the emergence of “The Internet”.

Fellow HMV staffers,

By now you have no doubt heard of a new technology being talked about in all the magazines known as “The Internet”, which so-called business experts are calling a potential threat to our existence as a viable retail business.

Some of you may even have “The Internet” installed in your homes and are worried that these so-called experts are onto something.

Well, they are not.  And on behalf of the executive board I am sending this memorandum to calm any fears you may have.

Put simply, “The Internet” is a fad that will pass.

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Americans Avoid Fiscal Cliff By Throwing Congress Over Actual Cliff

WASHINGTON D.C. – In an unexpected resolution, Americans have agreed an 11th hour deal to solve the country’s fiscal problems by pushing members of congress over an actual cliff.

A deal was reached by citizens across all 50 states and is set to solve US economic problems by removing what many agree is the biggest threat to the country’s fiscal future.

The American people said it was time to “end the game of chicken played by Congress” and send them “over the nearest cliff like a game of lemmings”.

Budget deal agreed

Slow progress by both Republicans and Democrats prompted ordinary Americans to put forward their own proposal to stop steep tax rises and spending cuts.

It’s thought the deal will involve gathering congressional leaders and frog march them over the nearest cliff.

The bipartisan agreement, supported by a majority of Americans, will take effect by the end of January once a big enough net could be found.

Washington native Joshua Scott said the agreement, which was agreed to by 300 million citizens, was negotiated inside three hours – less time than House Speaker John Boehner spends in a tanning bed session according to inside sources.

“We were all just frustrated with the lack of progress on Capitol Hill so we got together and worked out a deal that was best for us,” said Mr Scott.

“With this deal the U.S. will avoid a double dip recession and make future political discussions a heck of a lot smoother with less politicians around.”

According to reports, the only remaining sticking point is which area of elevated ground to send Republicans and Democrats over, which Nevada’s Grand Canon the preferred option.

Analysts say this new deal was an overall positive for the country and stocks saw an optimistic rally at the thought of lawmakers being sent over a real cliff.

Long term solutions

President Obama said while the deal was “not ideal”, it remained the most sensible offer on the table and signed off on the plan earlier today.

However, Mitch McConnell, leader of the Senate’s Republican minority, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid both remain against any deal that would see them face a drop any larger than 10 feet.

Indeed, many Congressional leaders are reported to have rejected the deal, but Mr Scott said the sheer weight of numbers would ensure it gets pushed through “quite literally”.

“We understand no one like going over a cliff.”

“But it’s us or them.”

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