LONDON – The following is a recovered 1995 memo from HMV to its employees in response to the emergence of “The Internet”.

Fellow HMV staffers,

By now you have no doubt heard of a new technology being talked about in all the magazines known as “The Internet”, which so-called business experts are calling a potential threat to our existence as a viable retail business.

Some of you may even have “The Internet” installed in your homes and are worried that these so-called experts are onto something.

Well, they are not.  And on behalf of the executive board I am sending this memorandum to calm any fears you may have.

Put simply, “The Internet” is a fad that will pass.

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WASHINGTON D.C. – In an unexpected resolution, Americans have agreed an 11th hour deal to solve the country’s fiscal problems by pushing members of congress over an actual cliff.

A deal was reached by citizens across all 50 states and is set to solve US economic problems by removing what many agree is the biggest threat to the country’s fiscal future.

The American people said it was time to “end the game of chicken played by Congress” and send them “over the nearest cliff like a game of lemmings”.

Budget deal agreed

Slow progress by both Republicans and Democrats prompted ordinary Americans to put forward their own proposal to stop steep tax rises and spending cuts.

It’s thought the deal will involve gathering congressional leaders and frog march them over the nearest cliff.

The bipartisan agreement, supported by a majority of Americans, will take effect by the end of January once a big enough net could be found.

Washington native Joshua Scott said the agreement, which was agreed to by 300 million citizens, was negotiated inside three hours – less time than House Speaker John Boehner spends in a tanning bed session according to inside sources.

“We were all just frustrated with the lack of progress on Capitol Hill so we got together and worked out a deal that was best for us,” said Mr Scott.

“With this deal the U.S. will avoid a double dip recession and make future political discussions a heck of a lot smoother with less politicians around.”

According to reports, the only remaining sticking point is which area of elevated ground to send Republicans and Democrats over, which Nevada’s Grand Canon the preferred option.

Analysts say this new deal was an overall positive for the country and stocks saw an optimistic rally at the thought of lawmakers being sent over a real cliff.

Long term solutions

President Obama said while the deal was “not ideal”, it remained the most sensible offer on the table and signed off on the plan earlier today.

However, Mitch McConnell, leader of the Senate’s Republican minority, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid both remain against any deal that would see them face a drop any larger than 10 feet.

Indeed, many Congressional leaders are reported to have rejected the deal, but Mr Scott said the sheer weight of numbers would ensure it gets pushed through “quite literally”.

“We understand no one like going over a cliff.”

“But it’s us or them.”

ATHENS – In a move to toughen financial regulations, Eurozone finance ministers have demanded Greece eat pig anus in order to secure future bailout payments.

During a meeting of Eurozone ministers, chaired byJean-Claude Juncker set conditions Greece must meet before receiving further financial aid which include “consuming 500 individual pig anuses in a five minute period.”

It is the first time a nation has had to swallow this much swine rectum since Buy One Get One Free Hot Dog Day at Yankee stadium in 1998.

Tough talk

Speaking to Greek leadership, Mr Juncker said tough conditions were necessary to ensure Greece took their fiscal responsibilities seriously.  “If they want the aid they are obliged to consume pig anus to meet the requirements as set by the EU and International Monetary Fund.  These are the rules.”

The latest demands may prove too much for the near bankrupt country however, with reports suggesting the Greek parliament remains hesitant to approve the terms they say have become too much to stomach.

“It is no secret Greece needs further cash injection to maintain the stability of our economy,” admitted Greek Finance Minister Yannis Stournaras.  “But pig anus?!  How much do we really need this money anyway?”

After confirming the country needs the money that much, the Greek parliament are now in talks to relax the terms of the bailout to something slightly less revolting like fermented sheep urine or a Wendy’s family meal.

New economic arbiter Joe Rogan said the EU needs to see strong political assurance that Greece had the stomach for austerity, calling to Greek leadership to “step up” and do what had to be done.

He went on to remind Greece “the pig anuses aren’t going anywhere”, asking: “how bad do you want this cash?” Before adding: “Oh c’moooon.  Just do it.  It’ll be over before you know it.”

‘Can’t we talk about this’

Although in support of tough economic measures, German Chancellor Angela Merkel did not rule concessions, suggesting “breath mints can be made available while they eat their quota of pig anus.  We are not unreasonable people.”

With many Eurozone countries in similar economic crisis, analysts are predicting a wide range of demands in order to sure up faltering economies.”

“The anus thing sounds bad,” said Paul Sheen of Citigroup, but warned “this may just be the tip of the donkey penis and testicles that Spain will likely have to eat to get their bailout.”

UNITED KINGDOM – The Bank of England has increased its growth forecast from 0.8% to approximately 98% since employing the same formula Fifa uses to rank international football teams.

Bank economists are hopeful the same logic defying calculations that resulted in England being named the world’s third best footballing nation can help boost the fortunes of the British economy.

The drastic leap in economic outlook was also affected by Fifa suggesting the Bank of England devalue the need for money in a functional economy.

Boom times are back

Governor Mervyn King claimed the data, based on the same formula football’s world governing body use to rank football teams, showed the country had climbed above both China and the United States of America to become the number one ranked economy in the world.

“The big picture is that output’s been flat for two years, and has continually disappointed expectations of a recovery,” he told reporters.  “But this new Fifa formula shows we’re above China in terms of gross domestic product.”

Chancellor George Osborne also backed the use of the new formula which suggests the UK economy will almost double growth every year.

“If we look at what’s actually happening, we’re in a spiralling state of economic downturn the likes of which we won’t be escaping any time soon.”

“However, with this new formula in place we’re now considered the best economy in the world with 98% growth so how bad can it be?”

Indeed, countries previously thought to be in dire state of financial meltdown have also moved up in economic rankings.

According to the Fifa based system, Greece, Italy and Ireland have all moved up to fourth, fifth and sixth best economies ahead of Germany who fell to tenth.

‘The system is credible’

Bank of England insiders rejected claims that the new system was flawed, denying it consisted of the same procedure used to select six lottery balls on a Saturday evening.

Mervyn King himself remained adamant it could be relied on to provide an accurate representation of reality.

“Might I remind you that the formula is based on the same one used to decide Fifa’s football rankings and we know how accurate that has been over the years.”

“And if England can be knocked out of a major tournament at the earliest stage and still be considered one of the top three teams in the world, then it’s not a stretch to believe our economy is getting better.”

ENGLAND – Ex News International executive and professional clown Sideshow Bob is the latest individual to be called up to the Leveson inquiry surrounding ethics in journalism.

Real name Robert Underdunk Terwilliger, the former aide to Krusty the Clown has come under intense scrutiny over his role in the  News of the World phone hacking scandal.

It is not yet known who if any other characters from the Simpsons are involved in the ongoing investigation into News Corp activities.

‘BY LUCIFER’S BEARD!’

Sideshow Bob has twice been arrested by authorities investigating allegations of phone hacking, corrupt payments to public officials, and repeated attempts to kill Bart Simpson.

In each occasion he was bailed and has not been charged.

Early into proceedings, the committee heard details pf Sideshow Bob’s contact with the Prime Minister after the Yale graduate resigned from his role as chief executive of Rupert Murdoch’s British newspaper subsidiary following the scandal.

He said the message from David Cameron was “along the lines” of “keep your hair up”.

Sideshow Bob also received sympathetic messages from senior figures in 10 and 11 Downing Street, the Home Office, the Foreign Office and Springfield Mayor Joe Quimby.

However, he will not be questioned on any information that could prejudice outside trials related to his schemes to blow up then wife Selma Bouvier, or an alleged plot to detonate a nuclear device.

On his relationship with News Corp executive chairman Rupert Murdoch, Sideshow Bob said “on the big issues we had similar views” but they disagreed over issues including the environment, immigration and whether or not Bart Simpson should be allowed to live.

Probing questions

He said he spoke to Mr Murdoch “very frequently” but denied reports they went swimming together, arguing that the very notion was “preposterous” as he avoided getting his hair wet due to “quite horrific” consequences.

Displaying a combative streak, he sparred with the inquiry’s lead counsel, Robert Jay, often claiming that “this trial demeans you and I both, Mr Jay.”

He also suggested he suffered more criticism and gossip about his relationship with Rupert Murdoch because he had been a clown’s sidekick.

Sideshow Bob continues to deny any knowledge of phone hacking on his watch.

Meanwhile, the Leveson Inquiry witness list for next week has been published and includes appearances from brother Cecil and former co-worker Sideshow Mel.

UNITED KINGDOM – Evil villan Dr Claw has come out in defense of Rupert Murdoch after a parliamentary committee report insisted he was not fit to run an international corporation.

The leader of the international criminal organisation M.A.D. is among several well-appointed executives to send out statements supporting the 81-year-old News Corp CEO.

Murdoch has also been backed by members of the Anti-Justice League, the Galactic Empire’s Emperor Palpatine and Mr Burns, who branded the judgement as “cruel and usual as the working conditions in this power plant”.

Unfair attacks

Speaking from Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, Mr Burns declared the report finding to be “without basis” and declared Rupert Murdoch “as fit to run his large organisation as I am to run mine.”

Rupert Murdoch and his son James were heavily criticised in the parliamentary report, but Dr Claw urged members of Parliament not to forget the inspiration the Australian had provided to many others looking to start their own shadowy, international network of influence.

“I only got into this game because of Rupert.  He made me believe I could maintain a global empire of borderline criminal influence all of my own.”

The reclusive megalomania from M.A.D said he had a lot in common with the reclusive megalomania from News Corp and took the verdict from an MP led inquiry “very personally”.

“This parliamentary board simply do not understand business.  Sometimes you have to read the voicemails of murder victims to get the job done and Rupert knows that.”

“In fact, he was the one who taught it to me.”

Friends in high places

The Anti-Justice league also came to Murdoch’s support.  Sworn enemy of Superman, Brainiac, who worked with Murdoch before going on to establish the team of super villains also attributed their success to the media mogul.

The extraterrestrial called him an “honourable” executive when it came to putting aside honour in the name of conquering.

“Everyone in the Anti-Justice league would trust him run things around here.  In fact, with him in the team we would have conquered the world long ago.”

ENGLAND – Thousands of investment bankers are being made to pay for their employees to be fitted with microchips under new economic safety plans.

Set to be unveiled next week, every manager at global investment banks will be required to fit new hires with a device giving details of who they belong to, trades made and their estimated bonus payout for the following financial year.

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COLOMBIA – In a shock fiscal move, Colombian sex workers have downgraded the credit rating of the United States after the inability of Secret Service agents to secure required funding to cover a $47 charge.

The downgrade is a major embarrassment for the U.S. and could see the cost of sex services – including basic foreplay – rise significantly for United States citizens travelling to South America.

A source close to the White House confirmed the President has been briefed on the situation and will deliver his response under an assumed identity.

‘That’ll cost you extra’

The unprecedented announcement comes at a time when the U.S. is already struggling with huge debts made worse by the addition of the outstanding $47 bill.

A spokeswoman for the National Association of Colombian Sex Workers, Sindra Morales, made the statement that U.S. would be downgraded from “XXX” to a much less secure “XX”.

Ms Morales said in a statement: “The downgrade reflects our opinion the fiscal irresponsibility of the United States has weakened the expectations that our girls will be paid in full for a job well done.”

“We simply do not view the United States as a reliable investment,” she added before confirming that any “really freaky stuff” would still cost an additional 50% on top of the increased cost of a basic package.

Fears are now rife that the U.S. rating would move closer to junk status, in that the cost of servicing their junk has now gone way up.

Shaky market confidence

This is the first time any agency have downgraded U.S. rating.  The most severe warning was in the 1770s when Benjamin Franklin refused to class reach arounds a valid sexual act and reneged on a five silver piece payment.

Despite the setback, sex workers in Bangkok have said they had no immediate plans to downgrade their rating.  Analysts also suggested the U.S. still remain an attractive option for hookers.

However, pessimism remains as some experts believe the downgrade will only erode confidence in the largest provider of horny men.

Economic commentator Mark Conner said the United States now needed to show it was good for the cash and maybe even pay up front to re-establish confidence among the world sex markets in what could become the biggest issue in the run up to November’s election.

“There’s no doubt this is a serious blow,” said Mr Conner, “and not the good kind either.”

OHIO – U.S. retailer Abercrombie & Fitch have slammed the use of a racial slur on an imitation website, saying “our brand doesn’t need any help marginalising ethnic minorities thank you very much.”

The clothing giant is going after the copy cat online retail store that sold an item called “N****r Brown Pants” , dragging their name into a racially charged retail frenzy not seen since members of the KKK began shopping at Bed Bath & Beyond.

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UNITED KINGDOM – In his latest budget, George Osborne has  announced plans to cut the rate of the Income Tax Square to five per cent for earnings over £10,000 during a game of Monopoly.

Speaking in front of Parliament, Mr Osborne said the current rate of 10 per cent had raised “next to nothing” and was causing many across the country to unexpectedly flip the board over in a huff.

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