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Medical Scientists Mystified By Spineless Paul Ryan


Paul Ryan SpineWASHINGTON DC – Scientists in the country’s top medical institutes are said to be collectively mystified by Paul Ryan’s ability to walk without a spine.

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Lee Nelson Throws Money At Sepp Blatter, Awarded 2026 World Cup


ZURICH – Lee Nelson has been awarded the 2026 World Cup moments after throwing banknotes over FIFA President Sepp Blatter during a press conference.

The fictitious character illegally gained entry to the FIFA headquarters in Zurich and showered a seated Blatter with substantial amounts of cash.

Sepp Blatter’s decision to award Nelson the 2026 World Cup is said to have been made “before the last note hit the floor”.

Credible candidate

The press conference was delayed by 10 minutes while FIFA officials scooped up the money and counted it before ratifying the decision to appoint Nelson as World Cup host.

Lee Nelson is a surprise winner of host duties as he was not considered a candidate until throwing money at Sepp Blatter.

Many have credited the move to launch money directly at Blatter’s person as the “tipping point” in the bidding process.

The comedic character has beaten the challenge of strong bids from USA, Uruguay plus a joint bid from two briefcases packed with small unmarked bills.

Lee Nelson will become the first comedic personality to host the 32 team competition. Blatter said he was confident Nelson would deliver a “fantastic World Cup experience” despite not being an internationally recognised country.

While other bids “could point to meticulous planning over many years to build presentations demonstrating their ability to run a world-class sporting tournament,” observers admitted Lee Nelson “ultimately had a better understanding of the audience he was pitching to.”

Due diligence

The still FIFA president praised the fictional character for the “strength of his bid”. Blatter expressed his desire to see football’s greatest showcase held in the “new home of football, the actual home of Mr Nelson.”

However, the decision has come under fire by those within the sport. Chief among concerns is whether Nelson’s two bedroom semi-detached home with north facing garden could accommodate 22 players and expected crowds of 50 to 60 thousand.

FIFA say they have already begun negotiations with the Hamiltons in number 37 and the Guptas in 41 to expand capacity by using neighbouring gardens.

“Of course there will be challenges,” admitted Blatter, addressing criticisms over limited capacity at the single venue. “But we can make this work.”

He went on to add: “nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred…one million.”

“We will make it work. For the good of football.”

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Nick Clegg Calls For 2015 Election Debate To Be Held In 2010


UNITED KINGDOM – Nick Clegg has called for next month’s General Election debate to be rescheduled to April 2010, when he had a chance of being Prime Minister.

The Liberal Democrat leader said he was “more than ready” to take on rival party leaders ahead of the 2015 election, as long as the seven-way debate took place five years in the past.

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Nigel Farage: “Some Of My Best Friends Are Dirty Immigrants”


UNITED KINGDOM – Nigel Farage has hit out against accusations that he is racist by suggesting some of his best friends are dirty immigrants who are ruining Britain and need to be stopped at any cost.

Mr Farage claimed the perception of him in the media “is all wrong”, insisting he really has no problem spending time with “people that should be sent back to the God forsaken land they came from immediately.”

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Say Something ‘Bout Mama And “Get Got” Warns Pope Francis


PHILIPPINES – Pope Francis has issued a strong public warning, suggesting in no uncertain terms that anyone who cursed his mother could “get got”.

His comments followed the fatal attack on satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo in Paris and comes just days after the pontiff banned all “yo mama” jokes within the Catholic church.

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High Speed Rail Plans Will See Government Fly Britons To Japan


BRITAIN – The British government has revealed plans to provide commuters with access to high speed rail will involve flying them to Japan to use the trains in that country.

Ministers announced the next stage of the HS2 project would rely heavily on taking passengers to their nearest major airport and providing subsidised airline tickets for “full and unfettered” use of a state of the art railway system the moment their plane lands.

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CIA Used Torture To Obtain Santa’s Christmas List


WASHINGTON D.C. – Reports from the Senate Intelligence Committee report on the CIA’s use of torture reveal Santa was victim to brutal interrogation techniques to determine the contents of his Christmas list.

The 6000 page report details how the CIA carried out “enhanced interrogation” of Santa and his little helpers in efforts to “ascertain just who had been naughty and nice way ahead of Christmas.”

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FIFA Order Luis Suarez To Be Properly Fed Before Matches


BRAZIL – FIFA’s independent disciplinary committee have officially ordered Luis Suarez to eat three square meals a day after biting Giorgio Chiellini.

The incident occurred during Tuesday’s World Cup game with Italy where Suarez attempted to take a bite out of an opposing player, causing football’s governing body to “act fast” and ensure he is “properly fed before entering the field of play”.

Luis Suarez has also been handed £65,000 in Subway vouchers and will undergo mandatory training to learn why cannibalism is bad.

Hunger strikes

The 27-year-old had now been found guilty of biting three opponents in his career, prompting concerns no one was feeding him.

This represent the biggest food related controversy in world football since the 1987 FIFA investigation to determine who ate all the pies.

FIFA were praised for decisive action in the aftermath of the incident having also issued a warning for players to stay as clear of Suarez as the English defence did in São Paulo.

“This is not the first time this kind of biting has occurred and we must now take decisive action,” Claudio Sulser, chairman of the FIFA disciplinary committee, said in a statement.

“While we support players getting the required nutrition to ensure they remain competitive during matches, this organisation does not believe said nutrition should come from the flesh of a fellow player.”

“Even if that player is as annoying as Chiellini.”

Meal ticket

Suarez’s first meal could be at a local Brazilian restaurant before he is flown back to his home club for a Chinese buffet.  He must then “maintain a consistent course of meals throughout the footballing calendar.”

FIFA say it is imperative “the meals contain essential carbohydrates, fats and proteins to ensure the Luis Suarez does not become peckish while on the pitch.”

Immediately following the incident, Uruguay coach Oscar Tabarez blasted accusations Luis Suarez had not been properly fed during his team’s world cup campaign.

Tabarez said he had prepared his famous home-made Lahmacun especially for the players, arguing that if it was “good enough for my family to eat” it was good enough for Luis Suarez.

Liverpool also issued a statement shortly after news of the ruling emerged.  They accepted FIFA’s decision and reiterated the importance of regular meals.

Chief executive Ian Ayre appears to be backing the player however, with reports suggesting he has ordered his staff to fill up at the local Tesco in time for the coming season.

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Search And Rescue Teams To Call Off Hunt For Missing Lib Dems


SCOTLAND YARD – Specialist search and rescue teams have abandoned the search for Liberal Democrats reported missing after devastating election results swept over the party.

Two aircraft and over a dozen political advisers had been brought in to survey the wreckage of council and European elections, but have decided to end the search having failed to find even a trace of liberal policies remaining.

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MH370: Black Box Discovery Could Hamper Wild Speculation Efforts


NEW YORK – 24-hour news networks have expressed concern that the discovery of flight MH370’s black box could damage ongoing efforts to pass wild speculation off as news.

The discovery of the Malaysian craft’s black box would be a severe blow to the hopes of news network bosses intent on pulling their theories from the same black hole they think the plane could have disappeared into.

Hosts at CNN, MSNBC and Fox say they would be at a “complete loss” if they could no longer produce verbal diarrhoea in the absence of any evidence.

An inconvenient truth

With the search for the plane’s black box intensifying, there are genuine fears among major news networks that any hard data obtained would leave them facing the reality of reporting facts.

The plane’s black boxes emit “pings” at a frequency of 37.5kHz, almost as high as the frequency of baseless speculation emitting from 24-hour news networks.

MSNBC’s Ed Schultz said his team was not prepared for a scenario in which the whereabouts of the plane are confirmed, admitting: “it’s been so long most of us don’t even know what it means to report credible news.”

“It’s always a race against time trying to fill a 24-hour news cycle with absurd theories before facts hit your desk,” said CNN anchor Don Lemon.

Lemon revealed CNN turned down several “great” crackpot theories before agreeing on the premise that the Malaysian Airlines flight could have crashed landed onto a mysterious island like Lost.

“It’s an hour-long special and will be done as soon as I finish the season six box set.”

No news is good news

Malaysian authorities have made clear that if the debris from MH370 if found they would make counselling available to grief-stricken news hosts.

“We know this is a stressful time for those who claim to be journalists,” said a spokesperson for the airline.  “The closer we get to finding this plane the closer they get to having to do their actual job reporting on facts.”

Lemon did hope the plane was found, but said the network was ready for a prolonged search and had plenty of filler material lined up.

In an anxious moment he said his network would be watching the search for flight MH370 with bated breath.

“If they find that plane there’ll be no chance to make things up and call it credible journalism.”

“Then what will we do?!”

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