MANCHESTER – A Fifa Inspector has been found dead two days after having privately criticised England’s bid to host the 2018 World Cup. Harold Mayne-Nicholls felt the England bid team ‘sexed up’ reports on the country hospitality after being robbed twice in London and confronted by a gang of ‘hooded youths’ in Manchester. Sources close described him as ‘terrified to leave his hotel’ and it’s thought he was dreading the prospect of a return in 2018.
England are desperate to become hosts as it represents their best chance of getting close to the trophy and would have been jeopardised had Mayne-Nicholls withdrew his endorsement. “They silenced him before he talked” explained an anonymous source.
“He was deeply troubled by what he saw in Manchester” revealed fellow inspector Danny Jordaan. “Maybe he had some reservations, but I don’t think he would’ve taken back his endorsement.” Mayne-Nicholls, president of Chile’s soccer federation, was found in the player’s lounge still clutching a knife in his stomach.
Though some observers treated his death with suspicion, the official verdict remains that Mayne-Nicholls found England’s bid so ‘outrageously compelling’ that he took his own life rather than see the next one. This was backed by Nick Clegg who insisted it was ‘really that good’. Medical experts remain unconvinced, arguing the location and depth of the blade was not consistent with a self-inflicted wound. Mr Clegg refused to comment on ‘crazy conspiracies’, simply reiterating the merits of England’s ‘unbeatable’ World Cup bid.
A forensic pathologist dismissed talk of a conspiracy as ridiculous, despite growing concerns of foul play. “This is not a game of Cluedo. We know exactly what happened” said Andrew Davison. “It was Nicholls, in the players lounge, with the eleven inch stainless steel serrated dagger…This is a straightforward case of suicide. What more do you want?”