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FIFA Order Luis Suarez To Be Properly Fed Before Matches


BRAZIL – FIFA’s independent disciplinary committee have officially ordered Luis Suarez to eat three square meals a day after biting Giorgio Chiellini.

The incident occurred during Tuesday’s World Cup game with Italy where Suarez attempted to take a bite out of an opposing player, causing football’s governing body to “act fast” and ensure he is “properly fed before entering the field of play”.

Luis Suarez has also been handed £65,000 in Subway vouchers and will undergo mandatory training to learn why cannibalism is bad.

Hunger strikes

The 27-year-old had now been found guilty of biting three opponents in his career, prompting concerns no one was feeding him.

This represent the biggest food related controversy in world football since the 1987 FIFA investigation to determine who ate all the pies.

FIFA were praised for decisive action in the aftermath of the incident having also issued a warning for players to stay as clear of Suarez as the English defence did in São Paulo.

“This is not the first time this kind of biting has occurred and we must now take decisive action,” Claudio Sulser, chairman of the FIFA disciplinary committee, said in a statement.

“While we support players getting the required nutrition to ensure they remain competitive during matches, this organisation does not believe said nutrition should come from the flesh of a fellow player.”

“Even if that player is as annoying as Chiellini.”

Meal ticket

Suarez’s first meal could be at a local Brazilian restaurant before he is flown back to his home club for a Chinese buffet.  He must then “maintain a consistent course of meals throughout the footballing calendar.”

FIFA say it is imperative “the meals contain essential carbohydrates, fats and proteins to ensure the Luis Suarez does not become peckish while on the pitch.”

Immediately following the incident, Uruguay coach Oscar Tabarez blasted accusations Luis Suarez had not been properly fed during his team’s world cup campaign.

Tabarez said he had prepared his famous home-made Lahmacun especially for the players, arguing that if it was “good enough for my family to eat” it was good enough for Luis Suarez.

Liverpool also issued a statement shortly after news of the ruling emerged.  They accepted FIFA’s decision and reiterated the importance of regular meals.

Chief executive Ian Ayre appears to be backing the player however, with reports suggesting he has ordered his staff to fill up at the local Tesco in time for the coming season.

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Grief Clinics Set To Stay Open For England World Cup Matches


ENGLAND – David Cameron has overruled the Home Office and ordered a review to ensure that grief clinic opening hours can be extended for England’s World Cup matches.

Tens of millions of fans watched England’s opening game in the 2010 World Cup, making it a highly lucrative event for grief clinics across the country.

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England To Practise With World Cup Ball Now “As We Won’t See It During Tournament”


ENGLAND – England have made plans to train with the new World Cup Ball after acknowledging they will see very little of it during the competition.

Unveiled this week, the Adidas Brazuca ball could be the most unfamiliar to an England team since they failed to qualify for the 1994 World Cup.

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English FA Urge FIFA To Move Qatar 2022 World Cup To 1966


ENGLAND – The FA have called on FIFA to “seriously consider” moving the Qatar World Cup to the summer of 1966.

A spokesman confirmed the organisation’s stance after several countries have voiced their willingness to see the 2022 tournament moved.

There is now growing pressure to move to the sixties amid concerns England won’t win it if it was played at any other time.

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World Cup Inspector Found Dead In Lounge


MANCHESTER – A Fifa Inspector has been found dead two days after having privately criticised England’s bid to host the 2018 World Cup.  

Harold Mayne-Nicholls felt the England bid team ‘sexed up’ reports on the country hospitality after being robbed twice in London and confronted by a gang of ‘hooded youths’ in Manchester.

Sources close described him as ‘terrified to leave his hotel’ and it’s thought he was dreading the prospect of a return in 2018.

Unexpected turn of events

England are desperate to become hosts as it represents their best chance of getting close to the trophy and would have been jeopardised had Mayne-Nicholls withdrew his endorsement. “They silenced him before he talked” explained an anonymous source.

“He was deeply troubled by what he saw in Manchester” revealed fellow inspector Danny Jordaan.  “Maybe he had some reservations, but I don’t think he would’ve taken back his endorsement.”

Mayne-Nicholls, president of Chile’s soccer federation, was found in the player’s lounge still clutching a knife in his stomach.

Textbook Suicide

Though some observers treated his death with suspicion, the official verdict remains that Mayne-Nicholls found England’s bid so ‘outrageously compelling’ that he took his own life rather than see the next country’s bid.

This was backed by Nick Clegg who insisted it was ‘really that good’.  Medical experts remain unconvinced, arguing the location and depth of the blade was not consistent with a self-inflicted wound.

Mr Clegg refused to comment on ‘crazy conspiracies’, simply reiterating the merits of England’s ‘unbeatable’ World Cup bid.

A forensic pathologist dismissed talk of a conspiracy as ridiculous, despite growing concerns of foul play.  “This is not a game of Cluedo.  We know exactly what happened,” said Andrew Davison.

“It was Nicholls, in the players lounge, with the eleven inch stainless steel serrated dagger…This is a straightforward case of suicide.  What more do you want?”

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Activision Announce Vuvuzela Hero


SANTA MONICA, CA – Activision have given the video gaming press an early look at their latest music game Vuvuzela Hero, set for launch this holiday season.  

Vuvuzela Hero will see gamers take up the role of an annoying football fan, blowing your vuvuzela over existing Guitar Hero tracks, ruining the listening experience for all those around you.  CEO Bobby Kotick hailed the game as a ‘revolution in testing human tolerance’.

Vuvuzela Hero looks set to set the bar in ear aching gaming experiences, delivering unprecedented sound innovation with the potential to piss off listeners almost as much as two alley cats fighting over the last fish bone outside your window.

Activision are already anticipating 5 million sales and an equal number of police cautions for noise pollution violations worldwide as gamers look to recreate the World Cup viewing experience over their favourite tracks.  To promote the launch of the title, Activision have planned a ‘VuvuFest’ inside a derelict Toyota dealership where vuvuzelas will be played all night long.  Non-stop.

Early previews have been glowing with journalists stunned at the authenticity of the game. “I was actually in South Africa and sat next to people who would blow this thing for an entire match.  Listening to the guys in the office play this is the closest I’ve come to punching a someone in the face since.  They’ve recreated the experience very well” raved one journalist who wished to remain anonymous.

“It’s a really solid product, they just need to get the pricing right” was the line from IGN. “How much would I pay to be constantly annoyed by the sound of an instrument that only plays one note really badly?  Probably around 99 bucks.  I think that’s the sweet spot.”

Activision have issued the following press release:

“Santa Monica, CA – July 7, 2010 – When the World cup is over, a new generation of tone deaf horn blowers will come together and blow with Activision, Inc.’s (Nasdaq: ATVI) Vuvuzela Hero® Legend of Africa, combining the most annoying national instrument known to man with revolutionary new online and offline gameplay modes.  The game comes with 4 newly redesigned vuvuzelas moulded from authentic Chinese factory plastic capable of one, maybe two different notes at a stretch in addition to the sense of obliviousness that allows players to be completely unaware of the suffering they’re causing to others around them.

We’ve listen to the fans over this fantastic soccer tournament and realised that since everyone was talking about the vuvuzela we may as well incorporated into our game for your purchasing pleasure. The game features the same Guitar Hero songs you know and love, but with the annoying, continuous and completely monotone sound of the vuvuzela played over each track. You’ll enjoy the biggest selection of vuvuzela tracks including the one were the vuvuzela just goes on and on and on you think to yourself ‘if I ever met the guy blowing that vuvuzela I would shove it down his throat’.  This is certainly a game best played in front of your family while they are trying to have quiet time or contemplate the days events in peace.

Vuvuzela Hero® Legend of Africa will be out this fall for the Xbox 360, PS3 and Wii from Neversoft. The game is not yet rated by the ESRB.”

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Mexico Attempt to Re-Enter World Cup After Deportation


BORDER, SOUTH AFRICA – Mexico are still said to be’ livid’ over FIFA’s decision to deported them from the World Cup due to shocking revalations all 23 members were playing withought proper documentation.  The illegal status of the team left FIFA officials with no choice but the eject them from the tournament, allowing Argentina to progress unhindered to the Quarter final stage.    Mexico Coach Javier Aguirre was enraged at the decision that ended his teams involvement competition, and says his team will find a way back into knock out stages even if it means sneaking into the country over the border with Zimbabwe .  “Of course I am angry.  I am an angry Mexican.  We just come here to play…yes, we have no papers but that hasn’t stopped me from living in America for the past 10 years”.  The discovery was made as a result of new FIFA initiatives giving match officials the power to stop any team to check for correct documentation.  “I just thought I would start with Mexico, randomly” describes referee Martin Hansson.  “I asked this guy for this papers, randomly.  He just stared at me and then ran.  I knew something was wrong”.

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US Military Drafts Plan To Invade Ghana After World Cup Loss


WASHINGTON, DC – America have drafted plans for a full-scale military incursion into Ghana after suffering a 2-1 loss at the World Cup.

President Obama called the move – which would pull the US into a third war – a defensive reaction to unprovoked attacks made by Ghanaian strikers in South Africa.

“Did you see that second goal?  Ghana are a threat we cannot afford to ignore any longer.  We’re going in.”

In an effort to wrap things up ‘post haste’, Commander David Petraeus has advised going with the surge strategy from the start as it has already worked so well in Iraq and Afghanistan.  The US will commit up to 100,000 troops who will target football facilities members of the Ghana team are thought to have trained within.

“These players have spread to Britain and Europe” warned a somber Obama.  “If we don’t stop them here, Ghana will become a breeding ground for resilient and well organised soccer players that could knock our team out of the next World Cup”.

America has been criticised for what is being called an overreaction, but foreign secretary Hilary Clinton remains adamant military action is warranted, adding that history will prove them right.

“This is the only course of action to such aggressive acts on the field of play” said Clinton who maintains the US has support from the ‘coalition of the willing teams that have also been beaten by Ghana’.

Ghana President John Atta Mills labelled team USA ‘bad losers’, while FIFA have called for restraint and pleaded to the White House to take standard channels and arrange a friendly match, a proposal which has already been dismissed as unworkable by the Obama Administration.

Once occupied, Ghana will provide a base to launch further strikes against African countries that beat Team USA in future sporting contests.

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Equipment Deficit Forces Greece Out of World Cup


POLOKWANE, SOUTH AFRICA – Greece have been forced to pull out of the 2010 World Cup after they were found to have a ‘massive deficit’ in equipment leaving them unable to conduct training sessions.  Greece were the most under equipped team at the World Cup and had no choice but to bow out after failing to receive a substantial bailout from football’s governing body .  “It is true our store room is empty, we have nothing to train with” head coach Otto Rehhagel told reporters as the team conducted a five-a-side match with an empty Coke can. “We can no longer continue with this jumpers for goalposts model.  It’s just not sustainable”.

FIFA rules stipulate that all teams must train with only approved equipment and cannot substitute footballs for Coke cans or any other beverage containers.  This comes after the team had already mistakenly placed half of all raining vests, cones, and boots on the wrong plane before the tournament.

Greece were heavily criticised for a loose shooting policy that led to well over fifty footballs fired over their training ground perimeter combined with a lack of solid retrieval process. “They have been so irresponsible with their equipment.” blasted FIFA President Sepp Blatter. “What would you have me do?  They cannot train, they cannot play.  They must go”.

They had urgently requested the supply of balls that would have allowed them to continue training ahead of their last group game against Argentina, but the call fell on deaf ears as other teams proved reluctant to donate for fear of overstretching their own stocks.

Greece are currently negotiating the details of an emergency rescue package from kit sponsor Adidas which could see much needed stock dispatched from a local Adidas store and should see their stock replenished in time for Euro 2012.

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Man Flies To South Africa, Gives Spain An Earful


POTCHEFSTROOM, SOUTH AFRICA – Joe Morris, who drew Spain in his office sweepstake, has flown to the team’s training camp to personally tell the players off after becoming so angry with their loss to Switzerland. 

“Bloody prima donnas!  This is the sweepstake for crying out loud!  Or does that mean nothing to them?!” screamed Mr Morris at a Heathrow check-in lady before his 8:43pm connecting flight.

He paid over £1,000 on last-minute travel plans from London to personally protect his £5 investment and guide Spain to sweepstake victory, guaranteeing his £80 cash prize from the office pot.  “We were running through some drills when this man runs toward us shouting” said striker Fernando Torres. “He was screaming about passion and commitment…and about Dave not getting a penny?  It was very motivating.  We will do better in the next game.”

Spain had been pre-sweepstake favourites and it was thought anyone who drew them was a sho0-in for a cash prize, but this shock  defeat could go down as the biggest in sweepstakes history and has already wiped smug grins from the faces of an estimated 20,000 UK employees.

“I had plans for that money” raged Dennis Potter, a Royal Mail postman who also drew Spain. “They better get their act together fast, or I’ll be a laughing stock down the pub.”

Office banter has been thrown on its head as workers getting so-called weaker teams suddenly find themselves with a chance of gloating to their colleagues.  Bookmakers William Hill have already slashed odds on Spain ticket holders patting themselves on the back come July 11th from 2/1 down to 11/2.

Though many back at his London office believe such direct action ‘breaks the spirit’ of friendly office competition, Mr Morris dismisses such criticisms as weak, saying that kind of thinking ‘is for losers’.

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