MANCHESTER – A Fifa Inspector has been found dead two days after having privately criticised England’s bid to host the 2018 World Cup.  Harold Mayne-Nicholls felt the England bid team ‘sexed up’ reports on the country hospitality after being robbed twice in London and confronted by a gang of ‘hooded youths’ in Manchester.  Sources close described him as ‘terrified to leave his hotel’ and it’s thought he was dreading the prospect of a return in 2018.

England are desperate to become hosts as it represents their best chance of getting close to the trophy and would have been jeopardised had Mayne-Nicholls withdrew his endorsement.  “They silenced him before he talked” explained an anonymous source.

“He was deeply troubled by what he saw in Manchester” revealed fellow inspector Danny Jordaan.  “Maybe he had some reservations, but I don’t think he would’ve taken back his endorsement.”  Mayne-Nicholls, president of Chile’s soccer federation, was found in the player’s lounge still clutching a knife in his stomach.

Textbook Suicide

Though some observers treated his death with suspicion, the official verdict remains that Mayne-Nicholls found England’s bid so ‘outrageously compelling’ that he took his own life rather than see the next one.  This was backed by Nick Clegg who insisted it was ‘really that good’.  Medical experts remain unconvinced, arguing the location and depth of the blade was not consistent with a self-inflicted wound.  Mr Clegg refused to comment on ‘crazy conspiracies’, simply reiterating the merits of England’s ‘unbeatable’ World Cup bid.

A forensic pathologist dismissed talk of a conspiracy as ridiculous, despite growing concerns of foul play.  “This is not a game of Cluedo.  We know exactly what happened” said Andrew Davison.  “It was Nicholls, in the players lounge, with the eleven inch stainless steel serrated dagger…This is a straightforward case of suicide.  What more do you want?”

SANTA MONICA, CA – Activision have given the video gaming press an early look at their latest music game Vuvuzela Hero, set for launch this holiday season.  

Vuvuzela Hero will see gamers take up the role of an annoying football fan, blowing your vuvuzela over existing Guitar Hero tracks, ruining the listening experience for all those around you.  CEO Bobby Kotick hailed the game as a ‘revolution in testing human tolerance’.

Vuvuzela Hero looks set to set the bar in ear aching gaming experiences, delivering unprecedented sound innovation with the potential to piss off listeners almost as much as two alley cats fighting over the last fish bone outside your window.

Activision are already anticipating 5 million sales and an equal number of police cautions for noise pollution violations worldwide as gamers look to recreate the World Cup viewing experience over their favourite tracks.  To promote the launch of the title, Activision have planned a ‘VuvuFest’ inside a derelict Toyota dealership where vuvuzelas will be played all night long.  Non-stop.

Early previews have been glowing with journalists stunned at the authenticity of the game. “I was actually in South Africa and sat next to people who would blow this thing for an entire match.  Listening to the guys in the office play this is the closest I’ve come to punching a someone in the face since.  They’ve recreated the experience very well” raved one journalist who wished to remain anonymous.

“It’s a really solid product, they just need to get the pricing right” was the line from IGN. “How much would I pay to be constantly annoyed by the sound of an instrument that only plays one note really badly?  Probably around 99 bucks.  I think that’s the sweet spot.”

Activision have issued the following press release:

“Santa Monica, CA – July 7, 2010 – When the World cup is over, a new generation of tone deaf horn blowers will come together and blow with Activision, Inc.’s (Nasdaq: ATVI) Vuvuzela Hero® Legend of Africa, combining the most annoying national instrument known to man with revolutionary new online and offline gameplay modes.  The game comes with 4 newly redesigned vuvuzelas moulded from authentic Chinese factory plastic capable of one, maybe two different notes at a stretch in addition to the sense of obliviousness that allows players to be completely unaware of the suffering they’re causing to others around them.

We’ve listen to the fans over this fantastic soccer tournament and realised that since everyone was talking about the vuvuzela we may as well incorporated into our game for your purchasing pleasure. The game features the same Guitar Hero songs you know and love, but with the annoying, continuous and completely monotone sound of the vuvuzela played over each track. You’ll enjoy the biggest selection of vuvuzela tracks including the one were the vuvuzela just goes on and on and on you think to yourself ‘if I ever met the guy blowing that vuvuzela I would shove it down his throat’.  This is certainly a game best played in front of your family while they are trying to have quiet time or contemplate the days events in peace.

Vuvuzela Hero® Legend of Africa will be out this fall for the Xbox 360, PS3 and Wii from Neversoft. The game is not yet rated by the ESRB.”

BORDER, SOUTH AFRICA – Mexico are still said to be’ livid’ over FIFA’s decision to deported them from the World Cup due to shocking revalations all 23 members were playing withought proper documentation.  The illegal status of the team left FIFA officials with no choice but the eject them from the tournament, allowing Argentina to progress unhindered to the Quarter final stage.    Mexico Coach Javier Aguirre was enraged at the decision that ended his teams involvement competition, and says his team will find a way back into knock out stages even if it means sneaking into the country over the border with Zimbabwe .  “Of course I am angry.  I am an angry Mexican.  We just come here to play…yes, we have no papers but that hasn’t stopped me from living in America for the past 10 years”.  The discovery was made as a result of new FIFA initiatives giving match officials the power to stop any team to check for correct documentation.  “I just thought I would start with Mexico, randomly” describes referee Martin Hansson.  “I asked this guy for this papers, randomly.  He just stared at me and then ran.  I knew something was wrong”.

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WASHINGTON, DC – America have drafted plans for a full-scale military incursion into Ghana after suffering a 2-1 loss at the World Cup.

President Obama called the move – which would pull the US into a third war – a defensive reaction to unprovoked attacks made by Ghanaian strikers in South Africa.

“Did you see that second goal?  Ghana are a threat we cannot afford to ignore any longer.  We’re going in.”

In an effort to wrap things up ‘post haste’, Commander David Petraeus has advised going with the surge strategy from the start as it has already worked so well in Iraq and Afghanistan.  The US will commit up to 100,000 troops who will target football facilities members of the Ghana team are thought to have trained within.

“These players have spread to Britain and Europe” warned a somber Obama.  “If we don’t stop them here, Ghana will become a breeding ground for resilient and well organised soccer players that could knock our team out of the next World Cup”.

America has been criticised for what is being called an overreaction, but foreign secretary Hilary Clinton remains adamant military action is warranted, adding that history will prove them right.

“This is the only course of action to such aggressive acts on the field of play” said Clinton who maintains the US has support from the ‘coalition of the willing teams that have also been beaten by Ghana’.

Ghana President John Atta Mills labelled team USA ‘bad losers’, while FIFA have called for restraint and pleaded to the White House to take standard channels and arrange a friendly match, a proposal which has already been dismissed as unworkable by the Obama Administration.

Once occupied, Ghana will provide a base to launch further strikes against African countries that beat Team USA in future sporting contests.

POLOKWANE, SOUTH AFRICA – Greece have been forced to pull out of the 2010 World Cup after they were found to have a ‘massive deficit’ in equipment leaving them unable to conduct training sessions.  Greece were the most under equipped team at the World Cup and had no choice but to bow out after failing to receive a substantial bailout from football’s governing body .  “It is true our store room is empty, we have nothing to train with” head coach Otto Rehhagel told reporters as the team conducted a five-a-side match with an empty Coke can. “We can no longer continue with this jumpers for goalposts model.  It’s just not sustainable”.

FIFA rules stipulate that all teams must train with only approved equipment and cannot substitute footballs for Coke cans or any other beverage containers.  This comes after the team had already mistakenly placed half of all raining vests, cones, and boots on the wrong plane before the tournament.

Greece were heavily criticised for a loose shooting policy that led to well over fifty footballs fired over their training ground perimeter combined with a lack of solid retrieval process. “They have been so irresponsible with their equipment.” blasted FIFA President Sepp Blatter. “What would you have me do?  They cannot train, they cannot play.  They must go”.

They had urgently requested the supply of balls that would have allowed them to continue training ahead of their last group game against Argentina, but the call fell on deaf ears as other teams proved reluctant to donate for fear of overstretching their own stocks.

Greece are currently negotiating the details of an emergency rescue package from kit sponsor Adidas which could see much needed stock dispatched from a local Adidas store and should see their stock replenished in time for Euro 2012.

POTCHEFSTROOM, SOUTH AFRICA – Joe Morris, who drew Spain in his office sweepstake, has flown to the team’s training camp to personally tell the players off after becoming so angry with their loss to Switzerland. 

“Bloody prima donnas!  This is the sweepstake for crying out loud!  Or does that mean nothing to them?!” screamed Mr Morris at a Heathrow check-in lady before his 8:43pm connecting flight.

He paid over £1,000 on last-minute travel plans from London to personally protect his £5 investment and guide Spain to sweepstake victory, guaranteeing his £80 cash prize from the office pot.  “We were running through some drills when this man runs toward us shouting” said striker Fernando Torres. “He was screaming about passion and commitment…and about Dave not getting a penny?  It was very motivating.  We will do better in the next game.”

Spain had been pre-sweepstake favourites and it was thought anyone who drew them was a sho0-in for a cash prize, but this shock  defeat could go down as the biggest in sweepstakes history and has already wiped smug grins from the faces of an estimated 20,000 UK employees.

“I had plans for that money” raged Dennis Potter, a Royal Mail postman who also drew Spain. “They better get their act together fast, or I’ll be a laughing stock down the pub.”

Office banter has been thrown on its head as workers getting so-called weaker teams suddenly find themselves with a chance of gloating to their colleagues.  Bookmakers William Hill have already slashed odds on Spain ticket holders patting themselves on the back come July 11th from 2/1 down to 11/2.

Though many back at his London office believe such direct action ‘breaks the spirit’ of friendly office competition, Mr Morris dismisses such criticisms as weak, saying that kind of thinking ‘is for losers’.

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA – England players and coaching staff are said to be confident of their ability to struggle at this year’s World Cup.

The team started their campaign with a disappointing draw against the USA and a performance that has given renewed hope they can be knocked out of the tournament ‘sooner rather than later’.

The stuttering point was achieved as goalkeeper Robert Green failed to contain a routine shot from USA’s Clint Dempsey, allowing the slow moving ball to bounce out of his hands and into the net.

“We got ourselves off to such a good start” said Green.  “If someone hadn’t done something, we might have won that game and we couldn’t afford that at this early stage”.

Fabio Cappello was understood to be ‘fuming’ at his team’s start having seen Gerrard inexplicably score a goal to cap off a flowing passing move.

Although happy with Green’s contribution that saw England return to their mediocre best, he reportedly gave the players a ‘proper bollocking’, which lead to the England ending the game struggling to reach any sort of top form.

“I think we play too well in the first half” comment the Italian. “But we mange to sabotage ourselves and cost the game.  This is good, I like this”.

English fans were so disgusted at the good start that broadcaster ITV decided to not show the goal to avoid upsetting viewers, instead switching to a commercial.  “We knew no one wanted to see that” explained chief Adam Crozier.

The English press have been unanimous in their backing of the national team’s potential to really make things difficult for themselves.

“I think with one or two injuries and more performances like this one we are sure to be knocked out by one of the smaller nations…or on penalties”.

JOHANESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA – The United States football team have demanded that North Korea respond to allegations regarding it’s footballing arsenal, specifically star striker Jong Tae-se.  The warning comes as fears continue to grow over the quality of the front man, with the USA believing the communist football team may be hiding an ‘extremely dangerous player’ behind closed doors.  “Our intelligence tells us their number 9 is capable of destroying any defense in the world” said wary USA coach Bob Bradley as North Korea continue to ignore calls to reveal details of methods used in training sessions.

The team have fully isolated themselves from the other 31 at the tournament since arriving in South Africa, already refusing numerous invitations to join the all nations brunch before the games started. Both Japan and South Korea back Team USA calls for FIFA to lay down tough sanctions in hopes of forcing North Korea to comply with World Cup rules mandating teams to fully expose the capabilities of all players.  Sanctions could include capping substitutions to three for the duration of the tournament and starting every game one goal down.

Unconfirmed reports have suggested Tae-se has conducted secret training sessions and is now capable of 90% shooting accuracy from 40 yards.  Noises from the team’s base suggested they are prepared to bring him on should they be provoked, or find themselves behind in a match.

The United States team are concerned that Tae-se could potentially knock them out of the World Cup should they meet in the semi finals.  However, it’s thought the more likely scenarios will see him launched against fierce rivals South Korea. “We are worried, yes.” commented Coach Huh Jong-Moo. “Our defense is not strong and holding players do not track back as I would like.  This Tae-se could run rings around us”.

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA – President Jacob Zuma’s government has said they may yet spend the £8 billion expected to come from the tournament on much needed public services instead of building a money fort. 

The statement is an attempt to dispel suggestions the World Cup will only help the rich after poorer South Africans voiced concerns that they will see no benefit from the games.

“How are my children to eat? We will not see any improvement from this tournament at all.”  said  a mother of seven.

Organisers have assured poor locals worried over their livelihood that there is plenty of McDonald’s and Coca-Cola to feed even the poorest.

“They need not worry about such things” said Sports Administrator Daniel Jordaan “There is plenty of food and drink for all.  Now, let us enjoy the games huh?”

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