Archive | Wikileaks

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Julian Assange Hospitalised After Suffering From Lack of Publicity


LONDON – Julian Assange is spending his second night recovering in a local hospital after complications resulting from Hyper Acute Lack of Public Attention (HALoPA).

With his Wikileaks publicity fading over a year ago, the medical emergency was the direct result of Julian Assange failing to find any coverage of Julian Assange in a major media outlet.

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Julian Assange Reveals Rube Goldberg ‘Insurance’ Plan


ENGLAND – WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange warns he has set up a system of Rube Goldberg machines configured to release a flood of highly damaging secret documents should anything happen to him or WikiLeaks.  He said each machine in the ‘poison pill’ option was more devilishly overly engineered than the last.

His lawyer Mark Stephens added that any release mechanism will only be released in the event that his client was assassinated, detained, or felt like making one heck of a YouTube video.

Thermo-nuclear option

The effort required to build such contraptions forced them to temporarily scale back their cable operations over Christmas, while they watched OK Go videos and re-runs of Wallace and Gromit.

This network has been able to determine the existence at least three Rube Goldberg machines to control the release of the secret files, an additional two to protect the first three, and one to make him breakfast in the mornings.

In an effort to gain access to the files, governments were scrambling to understand the complex mechanisms the WikiLeaks frontman believes is securing his survival, but FBI officials admitted “the best we could do was make a line of dominoes fall and knock over this Barbie doll.”

Security through obscurity

Assange was so confident that he felt secure enough to explain one of the machines to reporters.

“My vitals are being monitored by a device connected to a wireless transmitter,” he explained.  “Should my heart rate drop to zero for any reason, it will initiate the forward momentum of a line of medicine balls positioned to knock a brick into a bucket of water.  The resulting overspill will cover a nearby chemical compound, setting off a complex set of reactions that would result in a controlled flame to begin burning on a hot air balloon.”

Not finished, the founder went on to say that “attached to the rising balloon is a large piece of glass cut and tuned to focus sunlight at the precise angle required to burn a rope 100 yards away holding an anvil positioned to drop on a large red button that will release a mechanical bunny to be chased by a greyhound who will trip a wire pulling open a cage of carrier pigeons each with a message attached and trained to fly back to our headquarters and tell someone to log on to a machine and double-click to release the files I have on everyone…It’s really quite ingenious.”

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Julian Assange Has Library Card Revoked


LONDON – In another instance of the backlash against WikiLeaks, founder Julian Assange has been informed that his access to the British Library has been terminated ‘with immediate effect’ after failing to return a book inside the stated allowance window.

The Australian native was also told that he would need to return his library card to the issue desk, or dispose of it himself.

“Unfortunately Mr Assange believes that library rules do not apply to him and for that reason we have been left with no option but to revoke the services of the library to him.”  Details of the publication or terms of the loan were not released, a staff member would only clarify that ‘Mr Assange was not the type of character we wished to see among our bookshelves’.

Six week loan period

The announcement is the latest in a line of companies to publicly distance themselves from the whistle-blowing organisation after Paypal, MasterCard, Amazon and Blockbuster Video have already cut off their services.

A clerk at Blockbuster revealed: “He didn’t bring back Hitch for two weeks! This is ridiculous, he thinks he can operate outside of the law like this? Bring films back whenever with no regard for the next customer?  Not on my shift.”

Supporters of WikiLeaks have reacted with predictable fury about the news.  Members of the infamous Anonymous group linked to 4chan promised swift retaliation, with members describing plans to launch a denial of service attack by “crowding the entrance to the British Library with people who had no desire to read books,” cutting off service to potentially hundreds for as long as they got bored and left.

‘I’ll just buy it online’

Analysts were unsure of the effect this would have on his ability to read the latest literary works as many agree that with online stores offering competitively priced products with next day delivery, he ‘had plenty of options still’.

Julian Assange blamed his late return on his recent spell in prison, adding  that it was regretful so many institutions were afraid to show support for his endeavours.  Speaking outside a London tanning salon before a 3:30pm appointment, he called the move a political reaction to American pressure that was as see-through as ‘my extremely white skin’.

“This has nothing to do with books.  Sure I brought it back late, but only by a day and I was willing to pay the fine so I don’t see what the problem was.”

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America ‘Not Invited’ to UN Christmas Party


WASHINGTON D.C. – The US government has begun a major ass kissing campaign after outrage over diplomatic cables left them without an invite to the annual UN Christmas party.

The Obama administration is said to be  facing ‘a crisis in its holiday party planning’, amid growing evidence that they have purposefully been left out of the annual bash due to the publication of compromising messages.

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WikiLeaks: Saudis Biggest Funder of Lindsay Lohan Movies


HOLLYWOOD – Saudi Arabia is the single biggest contributor to the funding of ‘truly awful’ Lindsay Lohan movies and is unwilling to cut off the money supply, according to a leaked note from Hillary Clinton — running into millions of dollars and a handful of horrible viewing experiences.

The US Secretary of State says in a secret memorandum that donors in the kingdom still “constitute the most significant source of funding to those God damn films” and that “it has been an ongoing challenge to persuade Saudi officials to recognise them as terrible by any standard and she should not be encouraged to continue acting.  Ever.”

‘Don’t they read the scripts?’

Saudi Arabia is accused of failing to prevent some of its richest citizens financing the production of titles such as Georgia Rule, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen and Labor Pains. It’s alleged that producers regularly travel to UAE to take advantage of its weak sense of what makes a good film.

Similar leaks have also occurred from IMDB, Rotten Tomatoes, and every critic who saw I Know Who Killed Me.  It’s understood that much of the funding supposedly for Islamic charities had been siphoned over years to aid the production of a string of box office flops.

“The Saudis have really done it now,” noted Republican House speaker John Boehner. “Georgia Rule?!  What were they thinking giving money to that train wreck.  Now we know where the money is coming from, the Obama administration needs to come down hard on this.”

Vicious circle

Saudi authorities had made some high-profile arrests in the last two years, wanting to appear proactive on the issue. Other cables obtained by WikiLeaks describe details of the arrest of 44 fund-raisers “to deter potential donors from giving money to suspected producers of any of her movies.”

This appears to be just the tip of the iceberg however, and movie-goers are now demanding a tough stance from the government that would lead to an end to the recurring box office nightmares.

“Freaky Friday was decent and Mean Girls was okay if you like that sort of thing, but the rest should be brought to an end as a matter of national security,” claimed one critic who observed that “we’re spending money to see these films so we can rate them badly.  That money then goes back to the Saudis so they can finance more of her movies!  It’s a death spiral.”

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WikiLeaks: Santa’s Naughty and Nice List Revealed


NORTH POLE – The secret lists of naughty and nice children around the world, described as ‘vital to operations’ by Santa’s little helpers, has been released in a fresh WikiLeaks dump. 

In addition to the disposition of every child in the world, the leak purportedly exposes ‘decades of widespread corruption’ surrounding the formation of the Naughty and Nice lists.

Details included instances of Santa Claus reportedly accepting payments up to $1000 per child for placement on the Nice list in efforts to secure top billing when presents are distributed on Christmas Eve.

Rampant corruption

The massive dump highlights numerous instances of racial profiling who is placed onto the Naughty list, and perhaps most damaging are the sections that show Santa instructing his helpers to collect DNA samples and other personal information about children on the list, though for what purpose is yet to be ascertained.

Security analyst Kadeem Abbas, an American born Muslim once stuck on the naughty list for five years straight, says this is probably the most controversial document yet from the WikiLeaks organisation.

“The level of corruption is outrageous to say the least,” said Mr Abbas who felt the site has effectively ruined Christmas by exposing the inner workings of the Naughty and Nice list.

“Nobody wants to know how the sausage is made, but here it is.  I always suspected there was something wrong [with the Naughty and Nice list], I just didn’t know it went this deep.”

‘Ruining it for everybody’

A spokesman for Santa’s workshop said this morning: “We unequivocally condemn the unauthorised release of classified information.”

Speaking on the allegations of corruption, the elf added:  “The idea that Santa Claus would take bribes for placement on one list or another is wholly reprehensible.  Especially bribes of such low valuations.”

Joining mounting criticism, former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin described founder Julian Assange as “an anti-Christmas operative with blood on his hands” and called for him to be hunted down like a Taliban leader, or that Aunt who gives you socks every year.

WikiLeaks say they will continue to release documents despite continued threats from disgruntled politicians and elves alike.

Speaking from an undisclosed location, Mr Assange stated that should anything happen to him it would trigger the release of an encrypted ‘insurance document’ thought to include more damaging material involving Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.

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Gang Members Condemn Justin Bieber Wikileaks Report


LOS ANGELES, CA – Anonymous South Central LA gangs have condemned the leak which revealed profiles of members who recently viewed and voted for Justin Bieber’s ‘Baby’ video on YouTube.  Wikileaks has now exposed the 16 year old star’s previously unknown gang banger demographic as his video leapfrogged Lady Gaga to become number one on the site.  Of 264,492,984 million views, 67% were found to come from IP addresses linked to known gang affiliated profiles.

The leak represents the largest music related embarrassment since Nick Lachey was allowed to record albums and could pose a ‘serious threat’ to the reputation and safety of all gang members involved.

Information in the 90,000 page document reveals members of America’s most notorious gangs across the country have been repeatedly voting for Justin Bieber on BET – which resulted in an award nomination – in addition to attending his ‘My World’ tour under false identities.

Experts believed it wouldn’t be hard for gang members to figure out which profiles belonged to someone they know.  They would then punish anyone linked with likely repercussions to include receiving a succession of ass whoopings, having your front yard shot up, or worse.  “Someone could get killed in the next few days” added one former Crip who rated the video five stars on seven different websites.

Sources inside Bloods and Crips camps dismissed the material as ‘jacked up lies’, but Julian Assange – Wikileaks founder – defended his actions:  “The evidence doesn’t lie.  By supporting his music these men committed serious crimes and the world needs to be aware.”  Assange also told journalists it was no longer safe to travel within gang affected areas after being informed of ongoing discussions to ‘gut that fool’ should he be seen.

Bieber managed to thank his fans on Twitter before adding he would start wearing bulletproof vests during future shows.

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