Archive | Olympics

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Russia’s Losing Hockey Team Still Missing After Sochi Games

SOCHI – Latest reports from Sochi suggest the entire Russian hockey team have yet to be seen since their quarter final loss in a game watched by Vladimir Putin.

Many agree the sudden disappearance of so many athletes is worrying news, but such things have been known to happen, especially when “Russians bring shame upon their country” according to Kremlin sources.

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Paralympics: Oscar Pistorius Tests Positive For Sour Grapes

LONDON – In sad news for athletics, Paralympic Runner Oscar Pistorius has tested positive for the banned substance Sour Grapes.

The news of the Australian’s substance abuse has brought a cloud over the London games in what has otherwise been a fairly contested tournament.

It’s the first time an athlete has tested positive for the substance since the Ilford County High School 400m race from the school gates to the park entrance in July 2011.

‘Oscar has let himself down’

Sour Grapes are known for their effects on the human psyche.  Some effects include blaming external factors for a loss, in addition to temporary lapse in awareness that leads the taker to make similar arguments launched against him just weeks ago.

Pistorius had been suspected of Sour Grapes when he raised the issue of blade length to the IOC.  But he tested negative for the substance when he was winning all of his races.  He failed a routine test immediately following his 200m loss to someone who ran faster than him.

“We run the standard tests for all banned substances on every athlete,” described an anti-doping official.  “Hormones, anabolic agents, Sour Grapes, androgenic steroids.  All of it.”

“Our results showed Mr Pistorius was three times over the legal limit for Sour Grapes and has been given a formal warning as to his formal conduct.”

Although prohibited under the International Olympic Committee’s anti-doping program rules, Sour Grapes are classified as a specified substance, which can carry a reduced sentence.

This is due to the fact they do not count as a performance enhancing substance, though they are still frowned upon in many internationally recognised sports as well as among children over the age of 10.


“It’s disappointing to say the least,” said Arne Ljungqvist, head of the IOC’s medical commission and a director of the World Anti Doping Agency.

“People want to see a fair and clean games and to discover one of our most prominent athletes was juicing on sour grapes is not good for the imagine of the sport.”

After results were made public, the south African had no choice to an immediate apology.

“I want to apologies to the fans,” Pistorius told reporters.  “Obviously I wasn’t fully aware Sour Grapes was on the [banned substance] list.  I never would have taken them otherwise.”

“Now that it’s been brought to my attention I know I have to stop using them after races in future.”

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Olympics Inspire Nation to Walk Instead of Drive to McDonald’s

ENGLAND – After two weeks of watching athleticism of the highest order, millions of Olympic enthusiasts say they have been inspired to walk to their nearest McDonald’s instead of driving.

Several individuals cited this summer’s Olympic games as the driving reason they were leaving their cars at home and making journeys of up to 10 minutes on foot.

Olympic officials praised the more active spirit shown by the host city, suggesting that “with sponsors like McDonald’s and Coke we’ve delivered the message of a more active nation loud a clearly.”


“We left the car at home and where getting active,” said one supporter who made her family walk to the corner for a Big Mac meal together.  “I told them ‘we’re walking to Micky D’s and that’s it.”

“That Ugandan fellow ran 26 miles for a gold medal and we walked 90 seconds for a burger.  It’s the same thing.”

Indeed, there were several personal stories emerging following on from the biggest sporting event in the world.

“For me it had to be Mo and his incredible runs that inspired me,” recalled Jason Bateman, 36.  “Both the 5k and the 10k were a big motivator for running 0.2k to buy this Big Tasty.”

Another customer who had walked 50 metres to order three Big Macs and a diet coke said: “Seeing all those athletes put in the extra effort really inspired me to do the same.”

She explained how he “used to limit myself to just on one,” but now “always try to push beyond what I think I’m capable of.”

Aiming high

Brian Turnbull, local McDonald’s franchise owner said he had noticed an increase in the average order size since the end of the tournament, with customers seemingly no longer content with eating only one meal at a time.

Athletics fan Derek Chambers shed light on his motivation:

“I was inspired by Jess Ennis to go for my own heptathlon of the Double Cheeseburger, large fries, Filet o Fish, Quarter Pounder, Big Mac, an apple pie and some of that ice cream to round it off.”

“The Olympics really taught me that, om nom, we can’t settle, nom nom, for what we have but must to strive to bur-r-r-r-r-rup! Go for more.”

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Olympics: Incredible Hulk Protests Innocence Amid Doping Controversy

LONDON – The Incredible Hulk is fighting to save his reputation after being accused of taking performance enhancing substances during the London Olympics.

The damning allegation followed a series of “disturbing” gold medal performances in the men’s weightlifting contest which saw the Hulk destroy the world record by approximately five metric tonnes.

However, he did go on to lose to China’s Zhang Jike in the table tennis singles final.

Cheat speculation

Commentators were stunned at a performance in which he successfully lifted 94 kg plus an additional 5000 kg “as if it was nothing” then went on to throw a television crew van clear of the grounds before leaping over the Olympic stadium to the nearby velodrome in a single bound.

Several officials in attendance suggested “serious questions” needed to be asked, though the allegations sparked angry reactions from the coaching team and comic book geeks alike.

Hulk has denied taking any banned substances having already passed a drugs test prior to the start of the games.  He has been cleared to compete in his remaining events including the shot put, 200m hurdles and the 3 km long jump over buildings.

The news represents the biggest controversy at the Olympic games since Popeye was handed a lifetime ban in 1996 having been found guilty of consuming large quantities of performance enhancing salad.

Since then drug testing standards have tightened significantly, but Russian coach Sergei Pavlenko believes it is still possible for gaps to be exploited.

“No system can be foolproof,” argued Pavlenko.  “You saw same thing as me.  What he did, it’s not natural.“

“The way he flip truck over like child throw toys?”

“And the veins on his neck.  I’m just saying IOC must take closer look at this guy.”

‘Hulk strongest there is’

In a brief but strongly worded statement the seven foot, 1040 pound athlete categorically stated: “Hulk no drug cheat,” before adding: “Hulk smash hurtful lies.”

He attributed his success to a rigorous training schedule and hard work and has been backed by his coaches who have all dismissed doping claims as sour grapes.

“Hulk practise.  Coach good,” explained the gigantic humanoid.  “Hulk never lazy. Hulk train hard.”

Head coach Captain America also moved to make clear that “Hulk is 100% clean.  No way he’s juicing.”

“Hulk puts his all into every event he enters,” he insisted.  “He gets over excited sometimes but I don’t think that should count against him.”

An investigation is under way.

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Emergency Troops To Fill Empty Spaces on London Underground

LONDON – The British government has confirmed it will look into reports of empty seats on the London Underground which has left locals without a convenient excuse to arrive late to work.

An urgent investigation has been launched as a result with workers in the capital expressing disappointment they have not been massively delayed on their commute to the office.

The smooth operation of London’s tube network was a major blow to those looking forward to having a ready made excuse when strolling into the office at 11am.

Emergency situation

Organisers were forced to act after gaps were visible on a number of trains across Central and Jubilee Lines ensuring a trouble free journey for several commuters, many of whom say they feel let down after promises of packed trains and delayed journeys failed to manifest.

Although unconfirmed, potentially embarrassing eye-witness accounts suggest the travel situation was so under control there was room to allow women and those with small children to get off a train before boarding.

Financial clerk David Cross told of his anger at getting into work seven minutes earlier than usual on the first commute since the games began.

“This is a total shambles,” blasted Mr Cross. “A big part of the London 2012 promise was for every Londoner to have a good excuse to come to work late.”

“Someone needs to take responsibility for this fiasco,” he said adding: “I hate my job.”

“It was supposed to be simple,” explained another commuter who chose to remaining anonymous.  “I get in get in at half 11, blame the Olympics, have lunch at half 12, then leave work early to beat ‘the rush’.”

“But today I got in at half eight like always.  Who’s responsible for this?!”

‘We’re working to rectify the problem’

London Mayor Boris Johnson said the empty seats were “very disappointing” suggesting the problem was “down to certain individuals who bought travelcards in advance but subsequently decided to take a taxi.”

He then outlined plans to call in emergency troops to “slow things down by “bringing in troops on a temporary basis so we can gum up the works.”

“They’ll be walking around aimlessly, getting in the way while holding tube maps upside down and holding doors open instead of waiting two minutes for the next train.”

“Clearly we’ve fallen short of expectations set before the games and we are working tirelessly to ensure our transport system buckles under pressure as we promised it would.”

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Ashley Young Called Up To British Olympic Diving Team

ENGLAND – Manchester United winger Ashley Young has received a surprise call up to join Team GB after a number of impressive dives in recent weeks.

Professional diving coaches have heaped plaudits on Young for his ability to execute flawless dives “at the drop of a hat”, and demanded that he be added to the Olympic line up immediately.

Many believed that with the inclusion of the 26-year-old, Britain have a genuine chance of bringing home gold in the three metre springboard and ten metre platform events.

‘He’s a natural’

The Manchester United regular has already proved he is capable of various styles of diving including front, back, reverse, inward and aerial twist moves, with professionals claimed he was already the finished product.

Team GB diving coach Alexei Evangulov said after elaborate dives against Queen’s Park Rangers and Aston Villa, Young could forego qualifying rounds and be placed straight into the final team for London.

“I’d never heard of Ashley Young before today, “ admitted Evangulov.  “But I  now see some tapes and he is good…maybe the best I’ve ever seen.”

Evangulov revealed the England International could even partner diving prodigy Tom Daley in the synchronised diving events.

Daley welcomed Young to the team saying that the addition of such a consistent diver would enable him to “learn a few things” in practise sessions.

Though coaches did question whether Young would be able to perform at the same level in the summer where there wouldn’t be the faintest touch of an opposing defender to set him off.

Going for gold

Manchester United Manager Alex Ferguson was initially wary about letting his star participate in the Olympics on the back of a long season, “but when you have a talent like Ashley does I can understand why they would want him in.”

Ferguson indicated the only thing necessary for Young to perform at his best is to keep a man dressed in black shorts wearing a whistle in the vicinity of the pool area.

After a row over team member nationality, Lord Sebastian Coe said is was just nice to see home grown talent make it through to the final group of players.

“His technique is fabulous,” remarked Lord Coe. “I’m very glad to have Ashley on board he’s demonstrated that he’s the best diver the country has at the moment.”

“This just shows that British talent is alive and well.”

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Olympic 2012 Mascot Row: 26p An Admin Error, “Should Have Been 62p”

ENGLAND – Makers of Olympic mascots Wenlock and Mandeville cuddly toys have apologised for an error that caused Chinese labour wages to show as 26p per hour instead of the “industry standard” of 62p.

Following the public outcry, Telford based firm Golden Bear launched an extensive investigation into work environment conditions – This was concluded on discovery of  an error in the company’s accounting software.

It’s understood a junior member of the finance department had mistakenly entered “26” instead of “62” in the “wages” column while playing Angry Birds.


Golden Bear said they were “devastated” to hear workers making the mascots were labouring for more than 11 hours a day for less than half a respectable wage for Chinese labourers.

Speaking under condition of anonymity, the employee in question admitted “I know I shouldn’t have been playing Angry Birds at work, but finance can be a little slow sometimes.  I’m so embarrassed.”

The company explained the situation had been rectified by and the workers could look forward to the correct and full remuneration package of 62p moving forward.

A London 2012 spokesperson said it placed a high priority on “environmental, social and ethical issues” when securing goods, but understood that “these things happened sometimes.”

“We all get those ‘woops’ moments,”  admitted Patricia Jones.  “I remember one time I got on the 42 bus instead of the 24.  Didn’t know where I was going – silly billy!”

‘We’re not monsters’

In a show of good faith, Golden Bear also promised to conduct a “quick whip around the office” to personally pay back lost wages as a result of the clerical error.

Having signed up to London Olympic Games Organising Committee’s Sustainable Sourcing Code, agreeing to fair trade practices, the error proved highly embarrassing for the toy maker.

“Obviously we don’t expect people to work all day hunched over a sewing machine with no time off for 26p an hour,” a statement read.  “That is of course outrageous.”

“We have contacted all of our licensees to reiterate to them the importance of having the 2 and the 6 the correct way round.”

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IOC Warn “London Travel Costs Will Hamstring Olympic Athletes”

LONDON – With the London 2012 Olympic games less than a year away, a growing number of sportsmen and women fear they will be unable to afford London travel costs required to reach designated venues.

The London Underground and rail networks ticket prices seem set to disrupt the start of the games as athletes struggle to find the cheapest routes between each venue.

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Al-Qaeda Unsuccessful In Bid to Get Tickets For 2012 Olympics

LONDON – London Metropolitan Police have been given a major boost ahead of the 2012 Olympics after reports confirmed groups with possible links to al-Qaeda have failed to get any ‘decent’ tickets for the most popular events.

The terrorist organisation were understood to be plotting large scale terror attacks at popular events during the London games, but it has since emerged that due to extremely high demand and “a confusing allocation process,” the group have been unsuccessful in their attempts to secure any of the most sought after tickets.

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Iran Threaten To Not Make Up The Numbers At Olympics

SWITZERLAND – Iran have reiterated their threat to boycott the London 2012 Olympic Games, potentially leaving the International Olympic Committee with one less country to make up the numbers at the event.

Claiming the London 2012 logo spells out the word ‘Zion’, Iranian Olympic president Mohammad Aliabadi wrote to IOC president Jacques Rogge, insisting “the revolting act of reflecting Iran’s enemies in the logo is even more offensive than those ‘horrible excuses for mascots’ and one for which we are prepared to forfeit the defence of our 52nd place finish in Beijing.”

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