Archive | News Corp Scandal

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Definition Of “Shadenfreude” Updated After Brooks Coulson Affair

UNITED KINGDOM – The dictionary definition of “schadenfreude” will be updated after juicy details of two former News of the World editors’ private lives were splashed across tabloid newspapers.

Revelations of an ongoing affair between Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson that occurred as the two illegally uncovering details of other people’s private lives to further their own careers immediately caught the attention of dictionary officials.

The updated definition will go into the next version of the Oxford English Dictionary alongside updated definitions for “irony” and “comeuppance”.

What goes around

The news comes on a wave of public support from the public who took pleasure in hearing all the scandalous ins and outs including a love letter from Brooks to Coulson which was read out loud.

The details of the six year affair were heard in a court hearing in which prosecutor Andrew Edis QC told jurors he was not revealing the affair to deliberately intrude into the pair’s privacy but that it was a pleasant by-product of the legal process.

Officials at the dictionary said the entire situation captured the meaning of “schadenfreude” so well that an update to its definition was more than justified.

The digital edition of the dictionary would include a paparazzi photo of the pair hurriedly exiting the courtroom into a tinted car.

New meaning

The OED is the first publication to make the change, but given the pure elation felt at seeing the two former editors receive their just deserts, the Merriam-Webster and Collins dictionaries are likely to follow with similar updates in the near future.

“The Oxford English Dictionary is a proud institution and steward of the English language.  We don’t take matters of this nature lightly,” said Oxford University Press editor Michael Proffitt.

For these two in particular, “the fact that they were in this relationship, which was a secret, and the fact that secret is now very public, which is highly enjoyable, that’s why we’re changing the definition.”

“I mean, it’s perfect schadenfreude.”

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MoD To Make Indestructible New Body Armour From Jeremy Hunt

UNITED KINGDOM – The Ministry of Defense has today confirmed it will begin producing the next generation of bullet proof armor from the same stuff that Jeremy Hunt is made of.

The announcement came after “extremely successful” trials during the Leveson inquiry in which Mr Hunt was subject to sustained, high velocity rounds of questioning over unethical behaviour and emerged unscathed.

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Dr. Claw Defends Rupert Murdoch in Phone-Hacking Scandal

UNITED KINGDOM – Evil villain Dr Claw has defended of Rupert Murdoch after a parliamentary committee report insisted he was not fit to run an international corporation.

The leader of the international criminal organisation M.A.D. is among several well-appointed executives to send out statements supporting the 81-year-old News Corp CEO.

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Murdoch: “I Was Too Busy Influencing Politics To Notice Phone Hacking”

ENGLAND – Rupert Murdoch has admitted there was a cover up of phone hacking, but claimed he was too busy influencing the political landscape in the UK to possibly notice it.

The News Corp boss said shaping politics to his liking had left him unable to keep track of specific journalist activities.

“I had my hands full using my paper to turn public opinion against that damned Brown fella,” said Murdoch who testified to the Leveson inquiry that there were only so many morally repugnant acts he was capable of in a day.

Busy elsewhere

The former owner of the News of the World conducted most of the interview in the shade, avoiding the light due to an unspecified skin condition.

An aide to Rupert Murdoch appeared to back the Australian’s claims that providing a consistent conservative narrative while giving favourable political coverage for increased influence in politics did take up the majority of his time and energy.

“Do you know how bloody difficult it is to get those toffs in Downing Street in one place for a meal where we can talk about what political favour I need from them this time – it’s bloody expensive too.”

Proving his innocence, Murdoch – who temporarily left the inquiry to feed on innocent souls – said it was all he could do to keep politicians under his thumb, and getting involved with another legally grey activity was beyond him at his age.

“Crikey!  I’m not bleeding God,” he cried at one stage of the inquiry before requesting the room temperature be turned up so his blood could absorb additional heat.

Sworn testimony

At the end of his seven hours of evidence to the inquiry,  Murdoch decline the offer to be driven home and instead chose to disappear in a puff of black smoke.

In other developments, the 81-year-old said:

  • He was surprised by the £425,000 settlement to Professional Footballers’ Association chief executive Gordon Taylor over hacking as “I normally make a live sacrifice to make problems like that go away.”
  • He spent millions of dollars investigating journalist activities, namely why they were unable to find out if Simon Cowell was gay or not.
  • He does not tell his employees to promote his TV channels as “everyone already pays me for Sky so what would be the bloody point.”

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Murdoch Hailed For ‘Lying Through His Teeth’

ENGLAND – James Murdoch has been commended by senior executives at News Corp for upholding the company tradition of sticking to a pre-established narrative of events despite the presence of facts.

The chairman of News International was questioned during a parliamentary hearing in relation to  the phone hacking scandal and was praised for expertly circumnavigating questions seeking to determine whether he was aware of the practise – He was praised this steadfast adherence to ignoring the bits of the truth that would implicate him.

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Satan Resigns From News Corporation

NEW YORK – As the scandal surrounding News Corporation continues, fresh reports have emerged confirming Satan to be the latest executive to announce his resignation from the company.

Citing the ‘increasingly perverse and corrupt’ company culture, the ruler of Hell has decided to step down from his position as head of global strategy with immediate effect.

He claimed that the recent incidents “put things into perspective to a point in which I just could not continue,” highlighting the hacking of murdered schoolgirl Milly Dowler’s mobile phone as something that made his decision “that much easier to make.”

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Darth Vader Calls For Empire To Reject Murdoch Death Star Bid

CORUSCANT – Darth Vader, Supreme Commander of the Imperial war machine, has urged the Galactic Empire to block a proposed hostile takeover of the Death Star by Rupert Murdoch.

After abandoning plans to take full ownership of BSkyB, News Corporation has turned its attention to acquiring the intergalactic space weapon.

The move has ignited fears the floating, moon-sized superweapon could become ‘really dangerous’ under the control of the Australian tycoon.

Murdoch is reportedly seeking to add an additional instrument of untold terror and destruction as he looks to take some of the pressure away from Fox News.

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Mafia Boss Shuts Down Local Operation After Reports of Corruption

NEW YORK – Mafia boss John Gambino has today ordered the closure of the Gambino family after reports highlighted the inappropriate conduct of key members of the organisation.

The bombshell comes after it emerged that gunmen allegedly hired by the Gambino family were paid to ‘whack’ individuals of rival organisations and bribe local police authorities.  This led to a wider investigation which uncovered details of systematic illegal activitites to reduce competition

Part of the United States-wide organisation known as the Mafia, the syndicate will close after over 100 years in operation.

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