UNITED KINGDOM – The Ministry of Defense has today confirmed it will begin producing the next generation of bullet proof armor from the same stuff that Jeremy Hunt is made of.
The announcement came after “extremely successful” trials during the Leveson inquiry in which Mr Hunt was subject to sustained, high velocity rounds of questioning over unethical behaviour and emerged unscathed.
UNITED KINGDOM – Evil villan Dr Claw has come out in defense of Rupert Murdoch after a parliamentary committee report insisted he was not fit to run an international corporation.
The leader of the international criminal organisation M.A.D. is among several well-appointed executives to send out statements supporting the 81-year-old News Corp CEO.
Murdoch has also been backed by members of the Anti-Justice League, the Galactic Empire’s Emperor Palpatine and Mr Burns, who branded the judgement as “cruel and usual as the working conditions in this power plant”.
Speaking from Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, Mr Burns declared the report finding to be “without basis” and declared Rupert Murdoch “as fit to run his large organisation as I am to run mine.”
Rupert Murdoch and his son James were heavily criticised in the parliamentary report, but Dr Claw urged members of Parliament not to forget the inspiration the Australian had provided to many others looking to start their own shadowy, international network of influence.
“I only got into this game because of Rupert. He made me believe I could maintain a global empire of borderline criminal influence all of my own.”
The reclusive megalomania from M.A.D said he had a lot in common with the reclusive megalomania from News Corp and took the verdict from an MP led inquiry “very personally”.
“This parliamentary board simply do not understand business. Sometimes you have to read the voicemails of murder victims to get the job done and Rupert knows that.”
“In fact, he was the one who taught it to me.”
The Anti-Justice league also came to Murdoch’s support. Sworn enemy of Superman, Brainiac, who worked with Murdoch before going on to establish the team of super villains also attributed their success to the media mogul.
The extraterrestrial called him an “honourable” executive when it came to putting aside honour in the name of conquering.
“Everyone in the Anti-Justice league would trust him run things around here. In fact, with him in the team we would have conquered the world long ago.”
ENGLAND – Rupert Murdoch has admitted there was a cover up of phone hacking, but claimed he was too busy influencing the political landscape in the UK to possibly notice it.
The News Corp boss said shaping politics to his liking had left him unable to keep track of specific journalist activities.
“I had my hands full using my paper to turn public opinion against that damned Brown fella,” said Murdoch who testified to the Leveson inquiry that there were only so many morally repugnant acts he was capable of in a day.
The former owner of the News of the World conducted most of the interview in the shade, avoiding the light due to an unspecified skin condition.
An aide to Rupert Murdoch appeared to back the Australian’s claims that providing a consistent conservative narrative while giving favourable political coverage for increased influence in politics did take up the majority of his time and energy.
“Do you know how bloody difficult it is to get those toffs in Downing Street in one place for a meal where we can talk about what political favour I need from them this time – it’s bloody expensive too.”
Proving his innocence, Murdoch – who temporarily left the inquiry to feed on innocent souls – said it was all he could do to keep politicians under his thumb, and getting involved with another legally grey activity was beyond him at his age.
“Crikey! I’m not bleeding God,” he cried at one stage of the inquiry before requesting the room temperature be turned up so his blood could absorb additional heat.
At the end of his seven hours of evidence to the inquiry, Murdoch decline the offer to be driven home and instead chose to disappear in a puff of black smoke.
In other developments, the 81-year-old said:
ENGLAND – James Murdoch has been commended by senior executives at News Corp for upholding the company tradition of sticking to a pre-established narrative of events despite the presence of facts.
The chairman of News International was questioned during a parliamentary hearing in relation to the phone hacking scandal and was praised for expertly circumnavigating questions seeking to determine whether he was aware of the practise – He was praised this steadfast adherence to ignoring the bits of the truth that would implicate him.
NEW YORK – As the scandal surrounding News Corporation continues, fresh reports have emerged confirming Satan to be the latest executive to announce his resignation from the company.
Citing the ‘increasingly perverse and corrupt’ company culture, the ruler of Hell has decided to step down from his position as head of global strategy with immediate effect.
He claimed that the recent incidents “put things into perspective to a point in which I just could not continue,” highlighting the hacking of murdered schoolgirl Milly Dowler’s mobile phone as something that made his decision “that much easier to make.”
CORUSCANT – Darth Vader, Supreme Commander of the Imperial war machine, has urged the Galactic Empire to block a proposed hostile takeover of the Death Star by Rupert Murdoch.
After abandoning plans to take full ownership of BSkyB, News Corporation has turned its attention to acquiring the intergalactic space weapon.
The move has ignited fears the floating, moon-sized superweapon could become ‘really dangerous’ under the control of the Australian tycoon.
Murdoch is reportedly seeking to add an additional instrument of untold terror and destruction as he looks to take some of the pressure away from Fox News.
NEW YORK – Mafia boss John Gambino has today ordered the closure of the Gambino family after reports highlighted the inappropriate conduct of key members of the organisation.
The bombshell comes after it emerged that gunmen allegedly hired by the Gambino family were paid to ‘whack’ individuals of rival organisations and bribe local police authorities. This led to a wider investigation which uncovered details of systematic illegal activitites to reduce competition
Part of the United States-wide organisation known as the Mafia, the syndicate will close after over 100 years in operation.
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