Archive | Middle East Protests

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UN To Use Bigger Adjectives When Discussing Syria Bloodshed

NEW YORK – The UN has indicated it will make a firm stand against Syria’s president by pledging to use stronger adjectives to describe the ongoing massacre in the country.

With attacks against civilians showing no sign of easing, the organisation declared they could no longer stand by and use regular vocabulary when talking about the endless murder of innocents.

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Jason Calls On Syrian Government To “Show Some Restraint”

CRYSTAL LAKE – After several protesters were shot dead during a ceasefire, Professional killer Jason Voorhees has blasted the Syrian regime for taking their killing spree “way too far.”

Following a year-long campaign of violence enacted against its own civilians, the mass murdering lunatic said it was time President Bashir al Assad showed some restraint.

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Gaddafi Audio Message: “I’m Still Mayor On Foursquare”

UNDISCLOSED – Libya’s former leader Mouammar Gaddafi has released a defiant audio message warning rebel forces that while he appears to have lost his grip on his regime, he is still Mayor of Tripoli on Foursquare.

Despite a dramatic wave of revolutions leading to a rejection of his 42-year autocratic rule, Colonel Gaddafi boasted that he could still get bigger discounts than National Transitional Council forces currently occupying the area.

Gaddafi spoke in an audio message broadcast on YouTube to remind viewers of his superiority within the location-based social network.

‘I still run this town’

Although he still held control of Tripoli and several other key locations on Foursquare, this was a decline from his previous status of “Super Mayor” which he held prior to February.

The ousted despot is believed to be hiding somewhere in Libya, having rejected claims of fleeing the country, sources believe he remains reluctant to leave without taking full advantage of the discounts offered by his mayor status.

This comes as a result of checking into Tripoli more time than anyone over the past three years, enabling him to receive 20% discount on coffee and muffins every Wednesday.

Was unrepentant as he vowed to maintain his iron-clad grip on the mayorship.  “What is happening in Libya is a charade.  They may have occupied my palace and my home town, but they can’t get two for one off any lunchtime pizza,” said a belligerent Gaddafi.

Maintain power

However, anti-Gaddafi forces say they have begun checking into Tripoli on a daily basis and have already received the “Party Crasher” badge.

Analysts also believed that it was just a matter of time before rebels register enough check-ins to relieve Gaddafi of his mayor status, or an entirely new service caused people lost interest in the current one.

Rebel leader Hisham Buhagiar said he and his men would remain patient and in the meantime were happy to keep paying full price for lattes and baked goods.

“We have been checking in everyday since we installed the app,” Buhagiar confirmed.  “We officially received the ‘It’s a Revolution!’ badge only yesterday.  Gaddafi’s days of being mayor here are numbered.”

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Arsene Wenger Adamant Colonel Gaddafi “Doing Just Fine”

LONDON – Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has come out in support of Muammar Gaddafi, insisting that talk of crisis in Libya was ‘premature’.

In a defiant press conference, the 61-year-old questioned whether the Libyan dictator was really under pressure, declaring the recent assault on the capital by a jubilant NATO backed revel army as a temporary problem that was still very salvageable.

The Arsenal man also indicated he was looking forward to wining silverware in the new Premier League campaign.

‘He can still save this’

NATO air strikes have been targeting Colonel Gaddafi’s forces for six months, but Wenger refused to admit things were as bad as they looked and could see no good reason reason for Gaddafi to quit his post.

He also advised Colonel Gaddafi to ignore the critics and continue his strategy of issuing rambling messages of defiance in spite of the reality surrounding him as “it has worked for the past 42 years so why change?”

When asked whether he thought the seizure of Gaddafi’s compound, the capture and defection of his former allies, and an international army hunting him down would have an effect on his ability to stay in power, Wenger was clear:

“Maybe, maybe not.  We will have to wait and see. People tell me he is under pressure, but I don’t see it.”

‘Everything is fine’

Recent images have shown rebels sweeping into Tripoli during the weekend, and by Tuesday had overrun Colonel Gaddafi’s compound.

“I saw the television pictures of rebels looting the compound…but this does not mean all is lost,” said the Arsenal boss.

The Frenchman was confident that with a little more time, the Libyan dictator would be able to re-establish his previous dominance over the country:

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” said Wenger.  “Gaddafi is close to turning a corner in Libya.  This is very clear to me.”

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President Obama Defends No-Fly Zone In Angry Birds

WASHINGTON – Barack Obama has made his first formal speech in defence of the no-fly established by the United States in Angry Birds.

In a White House press briefing, the president looked to address criticism that the military intervention falls outside any reasonable remit of US foreign policy.

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“We Can Build Extra Planes From Lego” Says Cameron

UK – The operation to implement the Libyan no-fly zone has left British armed forces are scrambling to construct a fleet of fighter jets, submarines and ammunition from Lego in efforts to support it’s military after recent budget cuts to equipment and personnel.

As a result of a reduction in military hardware, the government has been forced to import a ‘boatload’ of the colourful interlocking plastic bricks in efforts to manufacture the necessary equipment to continue being effective in an on-going military operation.

‘We will remain fully capable’

Defence analyst Charles Heyman noted earlier that cuts would leave Britain unable to carry out crucial operations without risking the lives of soldiers, a claim rubbished by PM David Cameron who was confident the country had enough Lego bricks to make up the slack created by public spending cuts.

“Obviously Charles is not aware of all the Legos we have in our possession,” he said following a meeting of the Government’s Cobra emergency committee – which stated that the primary task would be the procurement of ‘mission critical’ 2×4 Lego blocks.

“We’re working hard to supply our troops with all the Lego they’ll need in Libya,” Cameron later reiterated.

Britain’s involvement in the first stage of the strikes against Libya have been relatively limited thus far.  If the operation were to drag on for months however, the country would be prepared to begin ‘Operation Red Brick, Yellow Brick‘ – manufacturing Lego bombers from a base in Legoland Berkshire.

Fun for all ages

The plan was not without criticism however, as it was pointed out that the Lego artillery may not withstand a fall of more than 20 feet on hard surface and Mr Heyman had genuine fears that pro-Gaddafi forces would be able to take British military equipment apart and construct a fortress to defend against further attacks, or worse.

“Could we live with ourselves if that monster began using British Lego against his own people?”

In a bid to ease fears, Defense secretary Liam Fox confirmed that the country would be contracting Lego experts from local nurseries to aid construction of ‘new and innovative’ military hardware such as two planes attached to each other to make a ‘super plane’.

A successful campaign could even lead to Lego being deployed in Afghanisatn, finally providing personnel with vital Lego supplies to construct much needed equipment such as helmets, helicopters, the Taj Mahal “or whatever the particulars of the situation called for.”

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The A-Team To Be Deployed To Libya

TRIPOLI – In an overly dramatic bid to put an end to the political unrest in Libya, the UN have enlisted the services of the A-Team for what is understood to be for a ‘reasonable’ fee.

UN secretary general Ban Ki Moon confirmed the appointment after admitting the Libya situation presented “a severe problem that no one else could help with.”

He later added: “dum d-dum dum, dum dum dum, da da dum d-dum dum, dum da da dum…”

Just hired the A-Team

Lead by Colonel John ‘Hannibal’ Smith, he team of Lieutenant Templeton ‘Face’ Peck, Captain ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock and Sergeant B.A. Baracus have been tasked with bringing order to a country that Colonel Smith believed “doesn’t know the meaning of the word,” before putting his cigar back into his mouth and staring of into the distance.

With the military situation worsening and population centres threatened, the appointment of the A-Team has come just in time for rebel forces.

Colonel Smith was confident that once they touched down, anti-Gaddafi rebels would be able to kick back and “let us handle the blowing stuff up from here.”

The team left for the port city of Tripoli yesterday and would take a several weeks to reach the situation having been forced to travel by sea due to Sergeant Baracus’ refusal to get on “no damn plane, fool!”

Expected to bring Gaddafi to justice, prevent the outbreak of a prolonged civil war and find time to coolly walk away from explosions all within a two hour time slot – allowing for ad breaks.

‘I love it when a military coup comes together’

Speaking prior to the operation, BA promised to shut down Colonel Gaddafi and his ‘jibba jabba’ for good.  I can’t understand a word that crazy suka says and it be gittin on my damn nerves!”

The sergeant will also be on hand to distribute humanitarian aid in the form of free Snickers if required.

British Defense minister Liam Fox was forced to admit the logic in the UN’s decision after a recent SAS mission ended in humiliation.  he agreed that enlisting the services of the crack commando unit sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit couldn’t end any worse than the job done by British forces.

“Our first mistake was thinking that a team of the nation’s most highly trained military operatives could do a better job than the A-Team.  Clearly we were wrong about that.”

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Colonel Gaddafi Calls On Nick Clegg To Quit

DOWNING STREET – Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi has joined mounting international pressure calling for Nick Clegg to step down peacefully from his position as deputy prime minister before more ‘wanton ineffectiveness’ is spilled in the streets.

Nicknamed the ‘Dead Weight’ of the government, a loophole in democracy saw Nick Clegg complete an unlikely coup, rising from election loser to powerless co-leader overnight.

However, 2010 saw mass protests across many English territories as enraged demonstrators demanded he pay for his crimes of political impotence.  The eclectic leader said yesterday: “I can blame Bin Laden for the mess I’m in.  What the hell is his excuse?”

Colonel Gaddafi has been backed by leading international figures including United States President Barack Obama, who admitted that he also wasn’t sure what the purpose of Nick Clegg was.  This after German Chancellor Angela Merkel confessed she had mistaken him for the help during her last visit to Downing Street.

‘Disconnected from reality’

The gravity of the situation is perhaps most starkly reflected in Clegg’s belief that his plan for voting reform will be taken seriously – further evidence of a man that is “way off the deep end,” according to Gaddafi.

Sanctions have been passed by the UN to increase pressure on Clegg, with measures ranging from avoiding his phone calls and automatically deleting his emails, to establishing a ‘no talk’ zone in his vicinity.  Prime Minister David Cameron expressed his hope that “Nick would get the message soon enough.”

There could also be humanitarian intervention – a sit down with the Lib Dem leader to have a ‘frank and honest’ talk explaining that he is no longer serving any worthwhile purpose and should seriously consider packing it in.

Time to go

Additionally, military intervention has not been ruled out unless he could “demonstrate the value that he claimed to bring to the coalition in the very near future.”

Mr Cameron has already stated that while the situation was unfortunate, he wouldn’t stand in the way if someone where to ‘get rid’ of Nick Clegg.

Speaking via a translator, holding a bowling ball while wearing a multi-coloured clown wig, Gaddafi said:  “I have heard Clegg speak a number of times and I think he has lost his mind.  He is a man who has clearly lost grip on reality and is no longer able to acknowledge the facts around him.  Everyday he stays against the will of the people, he loses more dignity and respect .”

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PM Cameron Promises ‘Oil Rescue Effort Well Underway’

LIBYA – The UK government has drawn up plans with America to rescue millions of barrels of oil currently stranded in Libya.  The decision comes on the back of criticism that not enough was being done to see the safe return of Brent crude oil to British shores.

Amidst the political chaos, it’s thought as many as 1.6 million barrels per day could be left without a means of safe travel back to the UK.

PM David Cameron promised not to stop until every drop is safe and accounted for, announcing a specially commissioned fleet to be sent to rescue 50,000 barrels, see how the international market reacted and come back for more if it was required.


Eyewitness report seeing a number of barrels left cold, isolated and away from any water – perfect conditions for the storage of oil, but critics point to the 14 hour wait for a plane to arrive and take them home as ‘a waste of damn good fuel’.

“Let me be clear.  We are taking this matter very seriously,” said Mr Cameron who plans to talk with US President Barack Obama to determine an emergency strategy to evacuate a further 100 million barrels before the price reached ‘really silly’ levels.

Our correspondent visited the country and reported witnessing many ‘disenfranchised’ barrels of crude oil left unattended and looking ‘in desperate need of an internal combustion engine’, but otherwise holding out as well as could be expected.

Some of the oil is still in hard to reach place like still under the ground it was uncertain how they would manage to extract them.

‘This is our priority’

Several thousands of barrels who arrived back in the country on Thursday declined to give comment, surely the most damning indictment of the Foreign Office’s response being described by many as ‘disastrous’.

A lucky few to be rescued from the same off-shore rig yesterday were quickly airlifted to a nearby Tesco petrol station.

But with many barrels still to be brought home at an affordible price, the message from the coalition leader was clear:

“I want to assure those barrels still out there that your country has not forgotten about you and we are making every possible effort to see you on British ships and back on on British land and into British cars.”

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Hungry Protesters Demand End To Burger King’s Reign

TEXAS – The 40-year rule of the Burger King is believed to be under ‘serious’ threat amid increasing unrest throughout the fast food chain’s restaurants ad drive-thru locations.

Facing allegations of mass corruption, suppressing democracy and charging three times as much for a burger than the take out down the street, the King’s regime is braced for a ‘day of flame-grilled rage with a side of fries’ as mass demonstrations continue at participating stores nationwide.

One man could be seen pointing to a menu, highlighting that “the milkshake here costs three dollars but only a buck seventy-nine over at In-n-Out…if that’s not corrupt, you tell me what is.”

Earlier today, restaurant staff clashed with protesters at a Texas branch as the King attempts to crack down on anti-regime protests.  This after an appeal for dialogue was rejected by those demanding to be able to feed their families for a ‘reasonable price’.

Have it your way

“A Triple Whopper meal costs eight bucks?!  We’re not made of money God dammit…  Death to the king!” – just one of many defiant voices heard over the drive-thru intercom.

The State Department has warned against all non-essential travel to Burger King as a local hospital told Human Rights Watch that 167 people were admitted from nearby restaurants, but noted a third of those could have been obesity related cases.

The King has failed to address the ongoing state of emergency directly despite multiple television appearances, instead calling on supporters to taste the flame-broiled, jalapeños and cheddar cheese stuffed Steakhouse sandwich.  Elliot Martins, an expert on populace uprisings, says is “completely avoiding the issue.”

In further news of protests, demonstrations are erupting at Kentucky Fried Chicken locations against the reign of Colonel Sanders.

Toppling regimes

Despite explaining the Colonel has been dead for 30 years, cashiers say there was no reasoning with the enraged crowds, after hearing screams of: “If he’s dead, then take his face off the chicken!  We want change!”

Mr Martins is convinced that “what we are seeing here is a deep seeded frustration in the status quo that have boiled over to a point it can no longer be put down by these established franchises.  This is real.”

He is in no doubt the Burger King’s regime is doomed, and predicts he could hand in his crown even as soon as the current TexMex promotion ends this month where he would then seek exile within the local Jack in the Box.

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